shoe laces and empty places
dear mirror diary,
the next few postings will be about cactus and fleas, and flowers and trees, but one thing you wont ever find in almost twenty five hundred posts is the request, "will you please...?" i've learned over time, and it took quite a while, there is nobody you can depend on when running a mile.
the next few postings will be about cactus and fleas, and flowers and trees, but one thing you wont ever find in almost twenty five hundred posts is the request, "will you please...?" i've learned over time, and it took quite a while, there is nobody you can depend on when running a mile.
everybody around you wood
dear is it any wonder diary,
have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a tree? if you were a tree and liked where your roots had grown so deep into the earth, then you would be one lucky tree. but what if you were the worlds worst tree in the most picture perfect setting? or the most beautiful tree on the planet in the ugliest place imaginable? you are a tree- so would you even know?
have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a tree? if you were a tree and liked where your roots had grown so deep into the earth, then you would be one lucky tree. but what if you were the worlds worst tree in the most picture perfect setting? or the most beautiful tree on the planet in the ugliest place imaginable? you are a tree- so would you even know?
out of the water
dear keeping things diary,
in an unfortunate turn of events, i have decided that becoming a valuable player in this institution will be in the best interest for myself and the others who depend on me. while standing along the sidelines looking like an entertaining retard has been fun for some, i'm about sick and tired of not going to the after party. the joke is no longer about me kids and that's not just directed to those under twenty-one. the thing about the whole thing about the whole thing is, even a flea can crawl up the side of a glass.
in an unfortunate turn of events, i have decided that becoming a valuable player in this institution will be in the best interest for myself and the others who depend on me. while standing along the sidelines looking like an entertaining retard has been fun for some, i'm about sick and tired of not going to the after party. the joke is no longer about me kids and that's not just directed to those under twenty-one. the thing about the whole thing about the whole thing is, even a flea can crawl up the side of a glass.
we did that yesterday
dear i don't wanta be up diary,
all the dogs did last night was get up and down and up and down and i almost killed each of them on several occasions. then around ten after seven the unibomber got a phone call and left shortly after and this really upset the entire household. i had the entire bed to myself for the good part of a couple of hours and then the unibomber came home in a good mood and ready to stay awake all day. fuck that noise. i have no intentions of participating in anything remotely close to what he would consider time consuming or entertaining because i am not near the emotional or spiritual realm a person needs to be to experience a day in the life with the unibomber. not today.
all the dogs did last night was get up and down and up and down and i almost killed each of them on several occasions. then around ten after seven the unibomber got a phone call and left shortly after and this really upset the entire household. i had the entire bed to myself for the good part of a couple of hours and then the unibomber came home in a good mood and ready to stay awake all day. fuck that noise. i have no intentions of participating in anything remotely close to what he would consider time consuming or entertaining because i am not near the emotional or spiritual realm a person needs to be to experience a day in the life with the unibomber. not today.
December 2, 2011
cruise conTroLL
dear soup then it was diary,
i forgot i had soup in my kitchen. the good kind. ima eat it. ima go make it hot now. soup really is good food- fuck arby's. if i worked on a railroad, soup would be what i would make myself to eat every freakin meal. soup has the power to cure the urge for nine doughnuts. i love soup. if i could pick what kind of soup i would be, today i would be cream of potato. actually, i'd prolly be cream of potato most of of the time because that is the best soup on the fucking freaking planet, next to corn chowder- which is really just potato soup with corn in it. i wish i had more of that soup now. i would be eating it now. but i don't have anymore and that is why i am not eating anymore. what i should have done is heated the shit up and ate it while i sailed north to get warm doughnuts.
i forgot i had soup in my kitchen. the good kind. ima eat it. ima go make it hot now. soup really is good food- fuck arby's. if i worked on a railroad, soup would be what i would make myself to eat every freakin meal. soup has the power to cure the urge for nine doughnuts. i love soup. if i could pick what kind of soup i would be, today i would be cream of potato. actually, i'd prolly be cream of potato most of of the time because that is the best soup on the fucking freaking planet, next to corn chowder- which is really just potato soup with corn in it. i wish i had more of that soup now. i would be eating it now. but i don't have anymore and that is why i am not eating anymore. what i should have done is heated the shit up and ate it while i sailed north to get warm doughnuts.
self manipulation, mutilation and malnutrition
dear you don't know me diary,
hopefully i can get over this incisive need for warm doughnuts because i do not want to drive to bloomington to get them tonight. i will though ifffin it gets worse because i have a need for something sweet and warm. i wanted a chicken wing earlier, but nothing ever came of that. warm pudding inside of a doughnut, there's something that delights the palate on all eighty seven levels known in the scientific community. oh fuck yes. i have missed writing this way, but you do not know me and you prolly don't want to know me because safety is what everyone should consider first, even when choosing a GAWD DAMN DOUGHNUT. away!
hopefully i can get over this incisive need for warm doughnuts because i do not want to drive to bloomington to get them tonight. i will though ifffin it gets worse because i have a need for something sweet and warm. i wanted a chicken wing earlier, but nothing ever came of that. warm pudding inside of a doughnut, there's something that delights the palate on all eighty seven levels known in the scientific community. oh fuck yes. i have missed writing this way, but you do not know me and you prolly don't want to know me because safety is what everyone should consider first, even when choosing a GAWD DAMN DOUGHNUT. away!
parcel postage
dear cloudy sky diary,
when i look up, i'm the one who tries to look beyond the clouds, past the sky even, to the place where the sky begins. i've never got to see it though, but i am sure i've seen the end. the clouds keep the dreams within reach because some like to keep reminding everyone who listens, "the sky is the limit." if i was a cactus, i would do anything to grow by the sea. how rare would that be? i would be a big fat and very tall cactus with one eye always to the sky.
when i look up, i'm the one who tries to look beyond the clouds, past the sky even, to the place where the sky begins. i've never got to see it though, but i am sure i've seen the end. the clouds keep the dreams within reach because some like to keep reminding everyone who listens, "the sky is the limit." if i was a cactus, i would do anything to grow by the sea. how rare would that be? i would be a big fat and very tall cactus with one eye always to the sky.
December 1, 2011
how's that for an ending
dear 48 days diary,
it feels weird knowing in forty eight days there will be no more. i think i will cry at 11:41pm when i lock this down january 18th. it will be a total disconnect for me in so many ways, but i have other projects in mind and this got strangely unfamiliar the last few months, really since the grump almost died, something changed here and i don't know exactly what. well, i think i do know what changed, and that's what changed is my unwillingness to share. when you start closing up shop, you become a different person. you give less... and less... and less... until finally there is no more and then poof... i wont come back here. i accomplished everything i set out to do and so much more. i have my life back and that is all i ever wanted. be that good, be that bad, be that happy- be that sad- it is just exactly the way it was before i ever fucked it up. so at the end of a retarded 365 day whore blog, i guess that is the moral of the story- this one anyway.
it feels weird knowing in forty eight days there will be no more. i think i will cry at 11:41pm when i lock this down january 18th. it will be a total disconnect for me in so many ways, but i have other projects in mind and this got strangely unfamiliar the last few months, really since the grump almost died, something changed here and i don't know exactly what. well, i think i do know what changed, and that's what changed is my unwillingness to share. when you start closing up shop, you become a different person. you give less... and less... and less... until finally there is no more and then poof... i wont come back here. i accomplished everything i set out to do and so much more. i have my life back and that is all i ever wanted. be that good, be that bad, be that happy- be that sad- it is just exactly the way it was before i ever fucked it up. so at the end of a retarded 365 day whore blog, i guess that is the moral of the story- this one anyway.
printing the boarding pass
dear avoiding the deal diary,
obviously when my feet are cold ima cover them up. i really need a new pair of fluffy slippers this winter. mental list made. the hairs on my legs are almost as long as i've ever seen them, yet this offers no extra warmth anywhere on my body. otherwise noted. i have little to do later today, other than what i already have planned and i've had those plans for a while. it isn't anything i have lost much sleep over yet, and i haven't been too upset, but ima be glad when it is over. today i find my own answers and put bad situations to bed. i no longer worry about anyone else and only think ahead.
obviously when my feet are cold ima cover them up. i really need a new pair of fluffy slippers this winter. mental list made. the hairs on my legs are almost as long as i've ever seen them, yet this offers no extra warmth anywhere on my body. otherwise noted. i have little to do later today, other than what i already have planned and i've had those plans for a while. it isn't anything i have lost much sleep over yet, and i haven't been too upset, but ima be glad when it is over. today i find my own answers and put bad situations to bed. i no longer worry about anyone else and only think ahead.
November 30, 2011
quit crying wolf to the old bear
dear safety deposit box diary,
anymore, the important matters aren't kept in the home. they are kept outside of the home where it is beyond reason that anyone fortunate enough to gain access to the home would be disappointed when after a complete search would yield a big bunch of nothing. it is no longer an issue of trust, it is a matter of constant and while knowing and believing are two different things, as are liking and loving. if you were never really included... then it wont hurt when that invitation doesn't come. but to keep trying to invite yourself, well, now that only makes you look really dumb.
anymore, the important matters aren't kept in the home. they are kept outside of the home where it is beyond reason that anyone fortunate enough to gain access to the home would be disappointed when after a complete search would yield a big bunch of nothing. it is no longer an issue of trust, it is a matter of constant and while knowing and believing are two different things, as are liking and loving. if you were never really included... then it wont hurt when that invitation doesn't come. but to keep trying to invite yourself, well, now that only makes you look really dumb.
pure devotion
dear a much different place diary,
when this blog is no longer available to the general public, i wonder where everyone will go? will you search for a new and improved blog to satisfy a curiosity or will you just say "fuck it," and be done with the whole stupid notion? i'll never be a blog reader and as much as i hate to admit it, ima miss doing this everyday. i miss doing this sixty times a day like i used to, but things are much different now and frankly, i need the time to hate my life again. i've always hated my life, but now, now i have come to the faint and harsh realization that SOME (but not all) of what i've been told all these years about my son, about my family, and about some of the core fundamental things i believe in are not true and that hurts me deep in a place i never wanted to go. be it so, like always, i am left with the mess.
when this blog is no longer available to the general public, i wonder where everyone will go? will you search for a new and improved blog to satisfy a curiosity or will you just say "fuck it," and be done with the whole stupid notion? i'll never be a blog reader and as much as i hate to admit it, ima miss doing this everyday. i miss doing this sixty times a day like i used to, but things are much different now and frankly, i need the time to hate my life again. i've always hated my life, but now, now i have come to the faint and harsh realization that SOME (but not all) of what i've been told all these years about my son, about my family, and about some of the core fundamental things i believe in are not true and that hurts me deep in a place i never wanted to go. be it so, like always, i am left with the mess.
November 29, 2011
this bed is my bed
dear under the brown couch diary,
if i was a mouse, well, i would prolly spend the majority of my time hiding from the big mean dinosaur dogs under a nice warm brown couch too. could you even imagine how big an 85 pound pit bull looks to a tiny mouse? prolly looks just like a dinosaur. now that all the turds are swept up and the couch is gone- i wonder where that mouse that's been stawking me will shit and hide. i cant wait until my new bed gets here. two queen size beds next to each other should make a big enough space where the dogs and i can have enough room to sleep.
if i was a mouse, well, i would prolly spend the majority of my time hiding from the big mean dinosaur dogs under a nice warm brown couch too. could you even imagine how big an 85 pound pit bull looks to a tiny mouse? prolly looks just like a dinosaur. now that all the turds are swept up and the couch is gone- i wonder where that mouse that's been stawking me will shit and hide. i cant wait until my new bed gets here. two queen size beds next to each other should make a big enough space where the dogs and i can have enough room to sleep.
November 28, 2011
the bigger picture
dear rainbow bright diary,
at the end of every rainbow there should be a "thank you jimmy johns sticker" just like the one that is now stuck on the end of my remote. i am lucky the remote still works and every time i see a rainbow, i feel just as lucky as i do now. there isn't a 'pot of gold' waiting, but a 'pot of mold' on the backside of that jimmy johns sticker and it ain't gonna peel off without some windex and a hot razor blade. the whole world has been looking for a cure to fix the mold. let me assure you, even the scarlet whore of babylon had nothing on the velvet hand that removed the sludge from the pot from which the frog faced cunt wiped her moldy ass.
at the end of every rainbow there should be a "thank you jimmy johns sticker" just like the one that is now stuck on the end of my remote. i am lucky the remote still works and every time i see a rainbow, i feel just as lucky as i do now. there isn't a 'pot of gold' waiting, but a 'pot of mold' on the backside of that jimmy johns sticker and it ain't gonna peel off without some windex and a hot razor blade. the whole world has been looking for a cure to fix the mold. let me assure you, even the scarlet whore of babylon had nothing on the velvet hand that removed the sludge from the pot from which the frog faced cunt wiped her moldy ass.
shooting stars; chips may fall weird
dear all these years in the news diary,
recently there have been all these stories in the news going back to 2005. all i can say about that is, indeed- that was a disgusting and fucked up year. something must have been in the stars that year that shifted reason causing good people like myself to make choices we otherwise would never think of making. i made some of those choices though, but i had help and now it has taken me years to clean up the mess i made alone. but when i see reports on the news about those who are just beginning to get caught up in the lies from 2005, i'd have to say, "stick to your story, there's always hope."
recently there have been all these stories in the news going back to 2005. all i can say about that is, indeed- that was a disgusting and fucked up year. something must have been in the stars that year that shifted reason causing good people like myself to make choices we otherwise would never think of making. i made some of those choices though, but i had help and now it has taken me years to clean up the mess i made alone. but when i see reports on the news about those who are just beginning to get caught up in the lies from 2005, i'd have to say, "stick to your story, there's always hope."
November 27, 2011
reviewing the sunday policy
dear the last sunday diary,
always on the last sunday of the month i try and reflect upon the previous sundays during the month where i have had dinners with my family and long afternoon naps and just the regular things i do that i love. i like to do what i want to do for however long my body allows me to do it and when it starts telling me to shut things down- i like to come home and go right to bed. it is a pretty simple routine, the one i have all mashed out here. it would be hard to give up, i believe you'd have to take it from me with a truck, because i'd never just throw it away. that is why grown-ups do what they can to live by the laws of the land and only stawk people who've signed the 'agree to be stawked' form.
always on the last sunday of the month i try and reflect upon the previous sundays during the month where i have had dinners with my family and long afternoon naps and just the regular things i do that i love. i like to do what i want to do for however long my body allows me to do it and when it starts telling me to shut things down- i like to come home and go right to bed. it is a pretty simple routine, the one i have all mashed out here. it would be hard to give up, i believe you'd have to take it from me with a truck, because i'd never just throw it away. that is why grown-ups do what they can to live by the laws of the land and only stawk people who've signed the 'agree to be stawked' form.