24, SIX, and 10

dear fuck you off diary,

if you'da told me back at the ten year mark it was going to come to this, ida prolly not wasted as much time as i did snivelling as much, but what a great lesson i learned again. another valuable crumb of knowledge that ida prolly learned sooner somewhere else if i hadn't been hindered by where i've always been, protected from the world by the abuses at home, my choice of the last 24 years. hurt by few instead of many, i suppose it was time for me to know how things really are out there. iffin there ever does come a time i do get out into the free range again, the twenty four, ten, and six year lessons have readied me for any fucking thing.

waiting for him to sleep again

dear funny as it fucking gets diary,

a full night of meaningful slumber and a bare naked chest next to me when i woke up. i knew i'd heard the sounds of someone snoring next to me all night. it really is weird how the grump's chest looks damn near human. i wondered who he was laying so close to me in almost a cuddle fashion, i ain't used to that. i am all but certain i could get used to it though because holding the grump this morning was easy for me. i figure i must have done it right too, he wasn't startled awake when i rubbed on him. i even laid my head on his chest to listen to his heart beating. i traced his white patch with my finger for ten minutes and he never even stirred. it wasn't until i lifted the covers and made a sudden outburst that he woke up. the grump HATES to be laughed at, but when i saw his legs all spread open wide and all his junk shrunk up and his skin all bright pink, it made me laugh out loud. i've never seen him sleep on his back.

no more fleeting and no more farming

dear feed me diary,

if you are reading this from the feeds, good for you. you'll be confident in knowing the topic of the entire post by the first few words here and then move on to the next one thinking it'll prolly have more explicit sexual content or at least something to roll your eyes back in your head as far as they will go. but it just so happens i am in the mood to get down and be the nasty whore i have always wanted to be. this time, i am really in the mood. this is NOT something that happens very often and i am certainly proud to announce that. yes, ima have to satisfy this curiosity of mine. it intrigues me even more that my options are even less limited because my heart has nothing invested. i have truly let go of all that i once held on to and i think i might be able to stay home for another 24 years. oh but... maybe not.

dondi said, "make me a lettuce sandwich."

dear squeaky teeth diary,

i like to eat lettuce because it makes this little noise on my teeth when i chew it. then when you add the crunchiness to it and that 'little noise,' it becomes a symphony of organic pleasure in my mouth. i'm not really that big on salad dressing and i especially don't want any sitting around idol on my lettuce leaf, causing wiltness and plasticity to set in. no sir, i want my lettuce crispy fresh and as green as i can get it. i even like raw spinach in my old age. i like to dip the very tip of the leaf in ranch and cram a whole mouthful in. there is something about cheese in salad that makes my mouth squirt. cheese and lettuce were made for each other. oh and cheese and lettuce and bacon and mayonnaise.... a fucking dream come true on some toasty warm bread.

the fruitchewy clock at grandpa's house

dear today diary,

rewind a few years back, my grandpa died today. so that sucked. it really did suck when that happened and i never did get the one thing i asked for when the rest of the family asked me what i wanted. i would have proudly hung that ugly fucking thing in my living room for the rest of my life too. but oh well, i have more of my grandparents shit than anyone on earth and i am thankful for everything i do have. i did want that clock though. i used to dust it all the time for my grandma and it was so ugly. it was a big metal starburst clock. i'd just been looking at it my whole life and ida liked to have finished my life looking at it prolly, but that's okay. i loved my grandparents. they were the best. i hope they didn't throw that clock in the garbage where it belonged. that would have been just wrong on 92 levels. RIP grandma and grandpa.

a fork in the road; a knife in the back

dear halt to the grind diary,

i cant show you what happens when the dynamics of a primary focus is on something that doesn't exist. booyah. welcome to the life and fast times of a true hero, someone over there can give you the tour. i try not to sit around and judge people for shit i know little to nothing about. but when you fuck up in my area of expertise, i'll be quick on the lip to tell you where you prolly went wrong. i have a whole bunch of respect for a mother fucker that will take a chance at something and be brave, ima a chicken shit. it takes me a minute to get the gumption to do anything new and different and then as soon as i do, it is usually too late and the right time has passed. subtle changes over time can can equal a grand change, but that too can be a shock even if you're the one who's done all the changing. willing is what i was once, but thank goodness i continued to drag my feet. knowing is the secret for me and understanding the plan is what keeps it simple.

the much needed rest

dear time for a nap again diary,

being awake for all of this extra time these past two days has been exhausting. it would take a month or more to get used to being up this early. it is time again for a magic nap. i need that. hopefully some new programming will inspire an exciting dream scape for me this time. the reruns this week have been equivalent to the shit on the television.

I love today

the truth came in the night

dear mind made up diary,

dreaming every single night this week about the same piece of shit has brought to my attention other marvelous revelations i wasn't ready to address. it is funny how things can resurface without authorization or command. maybe i really am just coming to the closure of it all, which i have so long desired. i know it is not all coming back to life and in the end i think that is what ultimately matters. i feel more shame than resentment at this point. there is no tangible need for revenge anymore. at least i know who i was mad at most and that is the information i most needed to find.

theft in the black hills

dear big tree diary,

if i do happen to make it to the forest this weekend, my intentions are to steal yet another tree. as a matter of fact, my intentions are to steal several trees because last time i only stole one tree and it died soon after i got home and planted it in the yard, but i think the grump pissed on it. i am going to steal the most magnificent trees from the most profound forest i personally have ever been to, right along side the winding roads and rock blasted tunnels and tiny streams that are not even frozen yet. if i get to go, that is. last time i took a shovel, but i never even used it- so i'll just take a strong spoon this time. as it turns out, trees seem to turn loose from the ground fairly easy when you have a little water to dump near them. that is the real trick right there, never pull a tree out dry. it is important to get all the little fragile roots. then when you get home, try not to let some old dog piss all over it until the tiny tree gets re-established. being 999 miles away from home can take some time to get used to being abused.

the lovely dead worms

dear after glow party diary,

oh the cops again. it was the same ones too. i think they have their eye on someone. there was even more tonight, but i wasn't worried so much about them like last time. the cute one spoke to me twice so that just gave me a feeling like none other. the unibomber is pissed off, claiming to be 'pissed of for no reason.' to that i say, "what the fuck else is new?" all i could think about today was springtime and how much i loved the air outside. the unibomber hates the winter and cant stop thinking about how many more days before it finally breaks. there is alot of life that ends in the wintertime, but it is a necessary adjustment to prepare for the most beautiful new.

one man boat

dear first thursday out of the lake diary,

well, it turned out to be an awesome day. i couldn't have asked for more. i don't know who i would have asked anyway. a busy day every once in a while is good for me. i need the emotional stimulation. i always take the heat from not getting on my feet. sometimes i just sit and cry. i am so relieved and overcome by the comfort of my life, yet there is so much equal parts of sadness and joy. it is hard not to be grateful for all that i have but yet seems greedy to want more. i love my boat. i love how it floats. i just want to share my boat with someone who enjoys my water.

then i will know

dear old guys who scan me diary,

making the machine beep is what i do every single time i go through the bitch and i always put my hands straight up in the air when they wand me. i think everybody should put their hands up to make sure there is nothing in their sleeves. you see, the sleeves are an easy area to hide things, not that i ever hide anything in my sleeve, but if i was going to hide something, that might be a good place to start. my bra always sets off the alarm and the buttons on my jeans do too. the man spent quite a bit of time wanding my waist and ass today, i didn't think he was ever going to stop- almost to the point i began to think it strange. he said he thought my buttons must have made the thing go off too, i'd guessed he'd not wanded too many jeans like mine before. i wore them all last year during my visits, but they must have turned up the sensitivity on that wand- or just got a new one all together. i'll wear a different pair tomorrow when i go back, beins i went on the wrong day, and then i'll try even a different pair after that when i go again after that. then i will know for sure exactly what it is about me that sets that mother fucker off.

if i got any more real, i'd be a banana

dear if i diary,

if i looked at you once, it was an accident. if i looked at you more than once, it was accidentally on purpose. if i let you speak to me, it was to make sure we haven't spoken before. if i spoke back to you, it is because you interested me in some insignificant way. if i laughed, really laughed, then you made my heart get warm. if i snarled, you made my bloodpressure rise. if i thought about you later, you left a lasting impression. if i could smell you on my skin, i loved you. if i told you to leave, it is because i wanted you to go. if i told you all those things i'd told you, it's because i wanted you to know. if i told you i liked the physical intimacy once shared, it was only when i thought my future was there. if i thought you'd been a five year one night stand, i'd at least found myself a big dick man.

living in the shaded area

dear darkness that dominates the universe and controls my diary,

darkness will extinguish all lights forever. if you think of darkness not so much as a noun, but a proper noun, well then darkness takes on a whole new meaning doesn't it?  so now if someone were to say to me again, "you have gone to the 'dark' side," i am no longer so upset by that like i was before because i know they just mean i have "stepped into a world they know nothing about," and are prolly unwilling to learn. while it is true we all make our own choices, sometimes our choices make us. making friends with the darkness is a skill and i suppose helps to have some dumb luck. not one person will ever know everything, so nobody will ever truly live in the light. i know enough for now.

spreading my wingette

dear mirror mirror in the hall diary,

there is only one place i want to be bald. i am pretty sure i am going bald in the other place now. my hair seems to only part a certain way and living with the unibomber i have seen first hand exactly how the onset of the pattern occurs. next i will begin to grow a beard and revert to some sort of cannibalism to sustain life. i looked in the mirror for the shiny spot i just knew was there, however, it isn't to that stage yet apparently because i couldn't find one. i know it's coming. i can just tell. the morning when i saw what i saw, i had just got up and i had been sleeping on both sides of my head for equal times (i timed it) and when i first saw the place in the mirror that caught my attention, there was absolutely no reason for it to look like it did. i went ahead and digitally documented the stage of my head now by taking several head shot aerial photos and ima have my little hair woman do it too. i just want to know before i go bald. i don't want to be shocked about it.

no handcuffs or cum in my pants (thank goodness)

dear did you just touch me diary,

i felt something in the car and i could have sworn you touched me. it almost felt like we were fucking again. but the sensation only lasted for a second instead of two seconds so i knew i was safe and it wasn't you. then the cops came to where i was at tonight and i began to wonder once more, could it be possible? did we fuck? did i violate that fucking order? what the fuck do these cops want? the fuckers kept on smiling at me too, it seemed like anyway, and i kept on looking at them. i was nervous for just a few damn minutes and i don't know why. i finally slapped myself and gave my hair a good hard yank, which does turn me on sometimes, and i snapped right out of my trance. the cops left. then i left. then i forgot all about all that until now.

resolve spray cleaner (dupont)

dear i can not stop tonight diary,

eating. i am working on peanut m&m's now and i fucking hate peanut m&m's. the nuts in there taste dirty and stale. what i really have been eating the shit out of are those damned little mini m&m's. looking beyond what i had in mind as the perfect life for myself, i see now... this is all nothing but a stupid carpet ride. soaking my feet in bucket after bucket of sin water it would be nice if those little skin eating fish lived there. i harbor resentment in the most golden palace towards you, most honorable man. no longer a simple creature of virtue, you have taken on the glamorous presentation of rotting flesh. i must thank you for your many treasures and lack of knowledge that came forth. anyone with half a brain would have known better.

in between naps

dear a very good thing diary,

dreaming i worked at a flower shop reminded me to water all of my own plants when i woke up today. i've got connections in the plant and dream world it seems. the first wednesday of the year and i'm doing okay and now only fifty one more coming our way. in nine more wednesdays all the plants can move outside and maybe a few wednesdays after that- i wont have to hide. you never do know how these crazy wednesdays will go, but three weeks from tomorrow i know where i'm gonna go.

granimals rocked

dear you guys diary,

i know you guys cant really offer help anymore because i shut off my phone and comments, but i still take messages via telepathic and everything and i could really use your support because i am going through this terrible ORFUCKINGDEAL right now and i don't know how much more i can take. i would just appreciate any extra thoughts you could provide me on this because ima bout ready to snap. this girl i know is just driving me up a fucking wall. fucking ALWAYS needing something and nothing is EVER enough. you could bleed to death giving her your last drop of blood and it wouldn't be enough. she makes me feel like i OWE her is the thing. i mean, i do feel bad for her sometimes, but my family comes first and then her and her family and zoo animals. it isn't my responsibility to buy her maxi pads and cat food and powdered donuts. i always smile though and never say a word but it's getting harder. i want to pick out my own clothes. ima grown fucking woman (last time i checked) and even thirty five years ago i picked out my own clothes.

they are synonymous and i want to be anonymous

dear incoming at home diary,

i've been writing like i used to once more. i think that is hilarious. i can sit down and write about the curtains again. for a while i couldn't get near the keyboard and now i feel as if i want to write all day. sniveling and drivelling gives me a sense of relief i cant find hardly anywhere else and records my thoughts for later examination. keeping this journal for this entire year has not always been fun and certainly not easy, but it fucking paid off. in more ways than one. it has paid off in six ways, seven if you count the fact that i have now proven to myself that i can be consistently consistent for an entire year at something even when there is nothing. the biggest part of me doesn't want to stop blogging but i don't want to be forty one anymore. there are times i despise the word whore.

call of the wild

dear checking the level diary,

i don't hate people as much as i used to. i have recently come to that realization. it is true though, no longer do i loathe dealing with the many people who find it absolutely irresistible to  come up and have some sort of communication with me, or even try and form some kind of 'insta bond.' i am NOT your friend and i always try and convey this message to folks during our conversation and i do this by saying something random or terribly dumb, sometimes even insulting, but often times whomever i'm speaking with just thinks i'm being funny and frankly, i am not. being ambiguous all day long is neither a curse or a gift. actually, i don't know what it is, but i am kinda learning to live with it. i think i'll like it much better with some ridiculously long hair extensions.

another prize i did not keep

dear shower of broken stars diary,

i didn't get to see the meteor shower tonight, but i stayed inside and never bothered to go out and look for it either. what do you think i missed anyway? there is prolly a whole other world out there behind those clouds. i don't look for proof anymore because i feel as if i already know the answer. what good does it do to seek proof either way? it isn't like it will change anything and i cant change anything. knowing isn't always the best policy and if you ask around i'll just betcha there are people who'd agree with me. i won a telescope once and i should have kept that son of a bitch. i can think of two genuine reasons now i would have had a reason to use that sixteen hundred dollar apparatus.

the clapper

dear mother fuckers diary,

i never stop learning. it is a process that makes my eyebrows itch and grow. just last night i yanked another chin hair that was a half an inch long. obviously, my nose hairs should be right behind that. i have also decided to stay off the toll roads this year, in every and all states. ima take the back roads wherever i go. i want to run up to chicago and get a new pair of jeans before it snows, but i can wait til i get out west prolly. whipper snapper, this time thing sure is a flapper.

it's officially official now

dear dreams about my rings and things diary,

nothing is off limits when i close my eyes. i'm used to seeing people i hate, people i love, people who've died, people i wish were dead and those who are just still living ALL THE TIME. i see animals and sometimes i can fly in my dreams and most of the time i just continue on with a 'normal' day in my dreams, only the outcome is usually preferable. i wear two rings on my left thumb finger. one is a wide gold man's wedding band and the other is just a thin gold band. i always try and keep them separated but they always slip back together. both of the rings are special, but that ain't what this post is about. in my dream whila go, my bottom ring was missing and when i woke up my jaw hurt from clenching my teeth and i had only been asleep for an hour. i looked down at my thumb, relieved to see both my rings and decided to wear my mouth guard during even short naps.

molded from grumpy ear wax

dear first aid kit diary,

the way i am feeling right now, today would be a great day to assemble a firstaid kit. i should at least buy a box of fucking bandaids and a new box of q-tips to keep around the house. i use alot of q-tips on the dogs, especially the grump. he has the most disgusting ears. actually it's just that one ear that produces all that shit i clean out of there. i mention it to the vet every time we go, but it does no good- so i just stay on it. anytime i get bored i just grab a handful of q-tips and dig in. thank goodness it doesn't smell. becky hates q-tips, but i don't have to get after her with them very often. sometimes i use them to put ointment in between her toes when they get to looking red in between there. poor baby girl, i just know that has to feel awful when her little paws get to lookin all red and itchy. the grump's feet never look like that. becky is delicate. i should wash her in woolite.

the blood stained cotton center

dear business as usual diary,

it's a new year with an old ass attitude and i went to bed last night and i cant find anything today. i sliced my thumb open last night before retiring and then found the coolest ancient bandaid i wished i'd never opened. the bandaid has been hanging around in my shit for years, prolly the only one in the house, but i knew where it was and needed one pretty bad so i went right to it. it's a weird bandaid and i personally have never seen one like it. it may have very well been worth money as an antique. it has one regular end and one really long stupid end and wrapped around my thumb like who done it. while it was never a question of who actually done it, and it didn't feel better after i did it until after i put the bandaid on it. it has been quite some time since i've sported the look of a bandaid, but i feel really cool, especially since you can see the image of my blood coming through all that extra tape and everything. i have decided to save the bandaid when i take it off my finger. it might still be worth money and it might even be worth more someday when there is an increase demand for blood from old dried up whores.

walk by sight not by faith

dear reality secrets that everyone knows diary,

there aren't very many things that don't make me show emotion. i'm a whore that openly shows how i feel at all times. i couldn't care for a gorilla because the animal would kill me. i constantly show my teeth. if you want to get in there, you have to be willing to go in all the way, you cant just start playing when times get rough. it's easy to be humble when you're on your knees, this after the rug got pulled out from under your stupid ass. but to be a greedy spiteful bitch in spite of everything is completely off the chain. it would be better if the secrets were never exposed, if all the dirt was just evenly swept under that rug and just left there undisturbed. but see, you weren't so special afterall. in fact, you like to go around pulling the rugs... i'd just like to know how it feels to have the rug pulled out from under you?

my hot dog under the covers

dear by invitation only diary,

just before i went to walmart, i took a shower. becky came in the bathroom- like she always does when i am in there- but this time i cracked open the shower door and asked her if she wanted to get in with me. to my surprise, she did! i turned the hose on her and washed her all down and sat down next to her in the warm water. she'd never gotten in like that before and prolly never will again, but i tried to make the experience pleasant for her. i rubbed her all over and she loved every moment. then i rinsed her off with warm water and rubbed her more and rinsed her more and dried her with two giant soft warm towels. she didn't seem upset afterwards and smells so freaking good now it ain't even funny. i keep telling her how soft and pretty she is and she does smell good enough to eat.

like a cage with a locked lid (for instance)

dear eating the crumbs diary,

take a look around and see what's left. anything look appealing to you? i'm not big on leftovers, but there are those things that are just better the second time around. i really like my new pajamas i got tonight at the walmart super center. i got four new badass baking sheets too, and for the first time in my life, ima donate all of my old piece of shit bake ware to the homeless shelter. i've been taking alot of garbage there lately and they sure act thankful when they get it. last time i took a huge bag of sheets and mattress pads up there. every mattress should have a pad on it, no matter how rich or poor you are. and if you insist on keeping leftovers for whatever reason, at least put them in appropriate containers.

drop below zero and take a bike ride clyde

dear fill this in later diary,

with time running out here on my blog, i feel like i need to say everything i want to say before i shut it down and make sure there is nothing left unsaid that i want to say about anything, but there isn't. i've prolly said about enough and yet, i haven't said much at all. i'm pretty good at saying a whole lot about nothing. but then i've come this far, why stop now? because i want to. i'm not going to lie, i entertained the idea of extending the shut-off date until the 26th, but i need a vacay.

a hardy vocabulary

dear making a man diary,

if having a plan makes a man, what makes a woman? i suppose the ability to allow the man to achieve his plan, because you damn well know the idiot cant do it by himself. i'm not allowed to say the word "man" out loud in my house in conversation. i cant use it as an expression or call my dog, "mr. kong man," and when the unibomber gets his magazine RIFLE MAN, i announce, "hey stupid, RIFLE BOY came today." we don't use the word "work" over here either, but we never really did, so i don't miss that word like i do the other one, but one would be surprised how many times a "man" will try to slip in. sometimes i wonder if in other households, maybe how many "hardy" meals have been shared around the cheap dining room table. prolly not that many man..... gotta work.

imported from spain

dear once i did diary,

all those years ago today, the unibomber went to jail and i took the baby to disneyworld, but not in that order. i wish you could squish together history sometimes, fun things always seem to happen on the same dates around here.i also took the biggest shit i have ever taken (yet to date) on this date and i wouldn't mind doing that again either. we thought about going to disneyworld again this year, but i'd rather make other plans.

looking up with a red thumb

dear what big ears you have diary,

it is a feeling i never get tired of. there isn't a feeling like it in the whole world, especially knowing there are some that try so hard to feel it. me, i just like to sit there and watch. i realize my results may not be typical and maybe that's why i get so much out of it. if the lady who kept pissing me off would have kept pissing me off earlier tonight, i might have got to feel that feeling twice in a row.

stay out of my bed

dear oh my gawd diary,

here it is almost that time again and guess who has not been out of bed yet? omfg. why is it so hard for me to get out of bed? i just have the worst time ever. i hate leaving my bed. i have the best bed in the world and with my new quilt, my bed is even better. i have everything i need in and around my bed and that is prolly why it makes it so difficult to get out of. even when i do leave my bed, when you stand and look back at it- sometimes it looks like i am still there in it. i love my sheets and pillows. i love my wall. i know my bed loves me. we love each other. and i love it when becky smells good like my bed.

you don't have to be married to engage in a divorce

dear bind my wrists diary,

the image that you have of me is my only defense against the world. i've never had the security others have had during their lifetime, like a mother, a husband, even the blood that is supposed to bind families together, mine has been somewhat synthetic. i had a mother for a while, but she died. i had the husband, but never the security of a marriage or a 'forever union' even. i grew up inside a family where nobody was blood related to me. i suppose this could change a perspective on life and all the meanings brought forward and that is prolly what skewed things a bit for me.

bi-polar maya indians

dear doomsday diary,

part of my mind thinks it could happen, what the maya indians predicted over 4000 years ago, but part of me says, 'what the fuck ever.' then there is that other part of me that believes in everything that keeps saying, 'why wouldn't you believe?' i mean who cares that the galaxy will lineup? does it really mean anything that the sun and milky way will be perfectly aligned on december 21, 2012? stars and planets have lined up with the sun before and we've not had a cosmic outcome. i know that i need something to believe in, maybe the mayans did too when they made up all this calendar bullshit. maybe i used to be a maya indian and that is why all of this is so damn intriguing to me. i don't know, but what i do know is right now we are amidst a polar shift. it is happening right now and you cant feel it, but i can. if you don't believe me- check out the earthquake yesterday.  

the unpainted whore

dear people diary,

some people were made for one another. i was prolly made for becky. i put all of my make-up on yesterday and hardly recognized myself. it is weird looking like i used to and i don't like it. when strangers look at me longer than they are supposed to, it gives me an uneasy feeling. really, when anyone looks at me i get that feeling, but if i am ugly it doesn't hurt so bad. it doesn't make me feel pretty anymore to smear that shit all over my face. it makes me feel beautiful when i have clean skin and teeth and matted hair because that is who i am.

new shelves in 2012

dear thirty one thousand two hundred and forty six diary,

i used to get so fucking excited when my stawker head count would grow by the hundreds. when it got to 9999, i almost wet my pants sending picture text messages to all of my friends. how annoying i must have been. whenever anyone would call me, one of the first things always asked, "what is your head count up to today?" after i reached the tenthousand mark, i kind of quit watching 'the count' so much. i figured they were all prolly arabs. but then i installed this cool little site watcher gadget and low and behold, they weren't all arabs. anyway, i just love all the patience and love you faithful readers have shown me. i am happy to have shared the last year of my life with all of you. i do hope every single person who has ever laughed, or been pissed, or drawn any sort of emotion, useful or otherwise, from my drivel, well i do hope they are able to find a replacement whore within 18 days.