someday the moon won't be there either

dear dark side diary,

i have always been very fascinated with the moon and not just the phases of it, but the way it looks and what it does and everything. the moon is every single bit as important as the sun, but that is pretty much common knowledge by now. a long time ago when the moon was much closer to the earth and the gravitational pull was much stronger, the tides were at least a thousand times greater. but every time the moon makes a trip around the earth it pulls just a tiny bit further away from us, or we push it away- however you want to think about it. my mom always tried to get me to see the man on the moon but when i was little i just never could. i can see him so clearly now. this is what i know for certain, there are two faces to that big bright moon up there and we only get to see one. that ought to learn us all something.

take it to 8 mom

dear happy birthday diary,

every body's mother's birthday is today. i think that it is so weird how all the birthdays fell on january 17th, but then i am somewhat of a number freak. i always made an angel food cake today in the years past, but i haven't for a minute and i prolly wont today either. it seems like i can remember so many years when there was just a ton of snow today and miserable outside. my window is open right now and there's been loud stupid cracks of thunder all night. the day ain't over yet i guess. as the thunder rolls east and finds a new whore to greet, i am thankful for all of the people in my life i have had the chance to meet- even the ones i wish i never knew.

anal(ly) speaking

dear forensic unit diary,

evidenciary measures were taken under a probatory scope this evening when i pulled my bed out to see exactly what has been going on along the parade route around it. shocker. the image of what i found will keep me awake longer than the noise i've heard for the last three nights, guaranteed. there was two little feet and a tail sticking up from a hole in the corner- STUCK- with piles of shit on both sides of it. ima sleep so much better tonight because i just cut a whole square of carpet from that corner and sprayed tilex down the cable hole before i stuffed an SOS pad down it. sticking that crochet needle up the ass of that mouse and driving it into the glass downstairs being held by the unibomber was the only way i could think of freeing up the hole. it would have been cool to have a tiny microscopic camera on the end of the crochet thing. omfg.

very bizzare

dear mystery diary,

what a funny day yesterday. buying the third microwave in twenty years, well, i hope this one will last as long as the other two did, this one is stainless steel and matches my stove. the old microwave seemed to have a mind of  its own, working on some occasions and taking the more important occasions off. hoping with a good cleaning it would work again suddenly, i took it to the homeless shelter and set it down hard, which i figured would have prolly fixed it immediately. i got to wear shorts and boots all day yesterday and then when i finally got home to sit down to relax..... i found the crime scene.

a number off

dear saltwater taffy diary,

there is no reason anyone should worry about leaving because you'll know when it is your turn to go. i understand the frustration some feel, but spinning around in circles before you sit down is absolutely ridiculous. i cant see through your head and i don't expect you to look trough mine, but try to keep watching the show. i'll give a number if you catch up, but i heard those whispers whila go. it is funny the things you can hear when you try. it is funny how your mouth opens and it lies.

street legal

dear working hard diary,

sometimes i just know how it will be. i like those times. what upsets me most about today is how my blankets got muddy and they just got washed yesterday. hell, the fuckers still smell good. i have my toenails all ready to paint, but ima soak them first and check 'em again to make sure because ima really paint them this time, i am not going to back out like the last eight. they are all the same exact length and buffed to a perfect finish and i can paint them better than the chinese man can- as long as i can stay awake and keep from shaking. sometimes i shake so bad i cant even hold a glass. is it nerves? not always. sometimes it's anger.

sorry dad (keep the car)

dear one more time diary,

if you take it to the limit, at least speed to get there. some people do better on the road than others. i was born a traveler, literally. my trip started early and when i finally did get my bags put up, my parents liked to travel. i don't know why i always though niagra falls was in nigeria, but as soon as i found out it was in new york, the unibomber and i went. honestly i cant believe it was the one place that my parents never took my brother and i. the geographical center of the united states just can not be in south dakota, but it is, i've been there. to be a good traveler, you must be a great packer. some people are better packers than others. my mom taught me the limits of packing and my dad taught me to speed until you get there. this time i am not driving.  

eat this STUART LITTLE

dear even when i did i didn't diary,

once upon a time i lived in the middle of a cornfield. happy is what i was living there in that tall old house where you could feel the wind when it blew really hard standing in the closet. i didn't have many problems around that house, other than mosquitoes the size of cannonballs and birds that would roost like chickens. those issues i'd again assume gladly in comparison to what i am dealing with now in my tiny city dwelling. i have mice. i have comfortable tame mice that roam freely about like domesticated guests. i think they sense i am not fearful of them and assume they are welcomed. however, the mice are most definitely not my favorite house guests and while i am not fearful, i am disgusted. last night a mouse came out and just sat and looked at me for several moments before deciding where he was going next. he cleaned his front paws and sat there and gazed up at me lovingly in such a way i couldn't throw the kong at him. we prolly did have mice at the farm, but the bait i kept out always got to them before i had to view them. i guess i need to give up on the traps.

don't do it there (unless you're scared)

dear church diary,

not knowing how to act has always been a big issue for me and i have found that being paid helps me focus. i can follow a script pretty well usually. convincing the higher authority figures is where i always hit the snag. i am good though, i just don't know how well i will do on the big screen test. if everything was done face to face, i might have a chance- a better one anyway. just let me get a plan and a five minute stand and i'm on that shit. first you gotta find the right venue, prepare your body as if it was the menu, spend extra time on your hair and nails, then spread your wings and set sail. one could assume things would surly always turn out a success, but it doesn't and you flip the page and move on to the next. just know your writers very well and like the script you sell and smile at every producer you meet and speak forevermore or hold thy tongue.