a new way to organize the year (june sucks) 11/3/10

dear diary,

i slept so good last night. that pot of chili just rocked my world and i don't even like chili. i guess my tastes are changing now with age, as i swear i could eat an onion straight out of the yard. that's prolly why i added fajitas to my likes on my closed down facebook account.
and becky ms. becky she is somethin else. she is so clever. she absolutely runs the show around here. her authority is amazing. anything ms. becky wants, ms. becky gets, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. how she whispt in and took over with such power and grace is beyond me, but i love how she puts the men in check around here. i wish i wouldnta had her fixed so we coulda had ten more little beckies and timmies. OMG. hate being responsible. so tomorrow oughta be exciting, course, i love thursdays anyways, but tomorrow is gunna be way fun lololol. i love november, and october, and september, and december, and march, and may, and february, and january, and april, and august, and july. June sucks. nothin happens in June. shits just growin and its all hot and stupid and same with July really, but at least in July you have the holiday and the garden is startin to ripen a bit- corn and shit- so i just hate June. In August you got peaches, mmmmmm, shit starts rollin after that. ima have a bad ass garden during the next 24 months, since i cant go to the FLAGS with the rest of my FAMILY, like i have for the last SEVEN years. which, is really ok because i HATED going there it was such a DRAG to stay ALL day and sleep in the car and hide to TALK ON THE PHONE to a homo (who i don't talk to anymore) so im kinda glad i don't have that BURDEN anymore. but the sun exposure and johnny rockets and red robin was nice- and nordstroms, ima miss that.
so id be in the bathtub now but some fucktard shut the water off to the tub. PMO. last time i turnt it back on the fricken washer didn't work right so i came back to run my fingers. lucky you. i still can not believe the bitch said i said she was scared. lol i bet she is scared. FUNNAE and LAME.

moleASSes (cookies) op 11/02/10

dear dough diary,

my nap just suckt donkey yang today. i swear. damn city workers drove around LOST with their sirens, i suppose waiting for the inferno to grow, as to become more visible so they could FIND IT BETTER, i dunno, but i am so sure the many trips circling the block in full sirens and whorns blaring is what made the difference and saved many lives. i get panic attacks now from sirens, even meatwagons. i don't know why, but depending on the circumstances, they can throw me into a full blown "seizure" which is retarded. ive seen flashing lights in my rear view mirror on the highway, i just try and go faster so they don't catch up. i do not want to get in the way. its sad. really. im hoping that if i were to crash in a car accident, i die upon impact, cuz i wud surely die of panic waiting for the city to arrive. in fact, if i were to survive, id prolly just crawl off and leave the scene and die in the bushes somewhere with some dignity.

anyway, how we got from my nap to dying in the bushes IS BEYOND me so,  tonite, i am painting my toes, because they haven't been done since Oct 18th, and lets see, prolly take yet another bath, 3rd one today, and hummmm, oh the GOOD WIFE is on, LOVE THAT SHOW, and i think ill make some mole-asses cookies tonite, just for shits and giggles. now WHY one tiny salted tear is trying its damndest to squeeze its tiny little ass out of the corner of my dry assed eyeball is BEYOND me, but that lump in my throat is already gone, i just lied my fat flat ass off, ima eat the fuck out them cookies. ima make a double mf batch. lololol lil bitches.

toodles of oodles

i really think ive lost my mind
and frankly IM OK WITH THAT

what are you gunna do (when its in your face) op 11/01/10

dear by invitation only diary,


i mean really. be gracious about it. be a big girl. know when to blow the whorn. it's not worth aging over. let the bygoons be bygoons. nobody even wants that prize. is that the prize? a prize is something special, a prize is something everybody wants. a prize is something hidden inside the pinata, not advertised on the internet. i'm just sayin. i don't even want to come to the party where the prize is at.

now that you know a primary chunk of the jist of the shit, i caint hailp but wonder if you still feel the same weigh. how could you tho. it's had to've shifted, as you have to know i'm not all bad. i got screwed so bad. plus, you know you've lied on me, cuz you cant lie to yourself, all those acts you've pinned on me are dumb, i so cant help but laugh at the things you've said i've done.

You're only five years older than me and you look like my mom, i'm not sayin that to be mean honey, but you didn't look that bad in 2005 when you were fat and had a booty. I know the age thing is fixin to pile up on me pretty fast so i prolly shouldn't say shit, but all this stress is takin a toll. its time to chillax. I don't have any problem with you people, I'M GUILTY- you guys got me convicted with your lies- YOU ADDED TO MY CRIMINAL RECORD- WHOOHOO I GOT CONDITIONAL DISCHARGE OF 24 MONTHS and you heard the JUDGE SAY- HE WAS GUNNA GIVE ME JAIL TIL HE HEARD ME SPEAK- TIL HE HEARD THE TRUTH- so you ALMOST got me. But you didn't.

Do you really want to go there AGAIN my good lady?

Let's just let Nancy decide. Want to? Then we'll go on VACATION.
call meridith 323-860-1018 just call her. shes waiting. please. make the arrangements. ill get permission. its free FIRST CLASS and they pay each person $300 five star hotel (two rooms if you guys are still split up and you both can bring new lovers and he can bring multiple lovers) and you do NOT have to take the lie detector test- but i wish that you would- i will forfeit my $300 and give it to you for you to take one, even pay you out of my own pocket- buy you a cool pair of jeans- whatever- hair conditioner- something, I just want to take the test.

thank you for considering this. i know you will.

merry christmas early (op 10/31/10)

dear shrink me diary,

im so worried. today i go for my mental health evaluation and im all out of the medication that makes me normal. ive been pouting and clawing at the walls all weekend, slicing my arm and upper thigh 8 and 12 times each, using super glue and ice cream sandwiches to stop the bleeding. My eyebrows on my left side are gone, but ive shaved my dog and Elmer's glued a strip together, and I don't think anyone will notice with my bangs as long as they are. i'm hoping my multiple personality disorder diagnosis can be listed on axis II and maybe PTSD on axis I. My gaf score has to be over 70 or I cant get treatment- last time it was in the 80's, and i'm concerned that might be an issue. I am really looking forward to going to the popcorn shop and getting a double dip and a rootbeer and some carmelcheese corn tho. I may self medicate with ritalin before I go, and meditate, and do a half hour of basic yoga and eat an all beef hotdog and one by one nachos NOT. Basically, after I have a good nights sleep, an hour bath, an egg poptart with syrup and cottage cheese, watch TPIR, Y&R, and HLN, Ill be able to tackle almost anydamn thang  PLUS my appointment is with my favorite psychologist DARNIT HOW DID THAT HAPPEN so maybe i shouldn't worry so much afterall. pieces of the season

very f'in interesting (original post 10/31/10)

dear this ain't even something to watch diary,

start by not watching this


i wouldn't even watch this


better not watch this either

those are all links btw lololol

i loved my tricks tonight (original post 10/31/10)

dear we just had a BALL and already in for the night diary,

and the number one song HALLOWEEN NITE in 1976- STEVE MILLER BAND- KEEP ON ROCKIN' ME
and i remember.............why didn't Steve ever hook up with the EAGLES?

Becky got DOWN in the cemetery tonite. The spirits were so very active. The orbs were EVERYWHERE and my hair stood on its ends- more this year than usual. I feel the powers of the universe pulling me inward, as there are so many focused upon me now, it fuels my creativity and connection to the spiritual center. I know my sisters have my guidance and i fear no evil, Tonight ends the old year and with November, the birth of the new.and when I light these three candles in glass and let them burn in the October 31 air, with all my soul, power, strength, love, union, devotion, revelation, honesty, tragedy, commitment, I surrender to the spirits and my sisters of the night, do with what you will, in your will and of your will, to deliver the forces necessary to repel evil from all living creatures in my life and everyone that I know , honor, love, or cherish, and give my family lasting comfort and joy for many years to come.

to the east

lawn mowers (for sail)

dear she was alive and face up and cut her arm diary,

they never accepted the real reason for her insanity. just one person destroying the mind of another. they were involved in a painful custody battle, a real reason to spend time in court. there was a different side to a man everyone thought was a hero. the barbed wire fence is meant to keep the wild animals out of the yard and a wooden fence will do the same, but the heart is supposed to keep the bad love away- but sometimes it fails at that task- and then it is a shame. love certainly can be beautiful like a perfect kept yard, but maintaining that love can be very hard. that is when some people lose their fucking mind, and that is when some people cross the line. it is obvious a fence does not work every time. so it is a good thing that grass will grow back. but how easy is it to put the love back into the shack? 

lotion helps (lubriderm)

dear standing under a truck that fell from the sky diary,

nothing hurts worse than shit falling on your head. so you gotta be ready when it happens. my hair hurts when it grows. sometimes i have to massage it as its coming out of my scalp. it really does ache. i attribute that to my readiness for things to fall on my head at anytime. i have a thick head. i have thick nails and thick toenails as well. i have thick skin too. i like my thick skin. it helps in other ways besides combating nature and physical elements. it also helps mentally. one wouldn't think that thick skin would come into play during, say, a conversation, or a slur of words across a parking lot, but thick skin can protect you from even that pesky swarm of insects. sometimes my foot falls asleep and nothing will wake it up except kicking it and just lashing it out on whatever is in front of me. you just never know when a truck will fall from the sky. it hurts to end up kicking a truck. i have thick skin on my feet tho. and i wear boots all year long.

the worm (turned into a bird)

dear crowd with the prisoner plainly before you diary,

just five minutes worth, hear me alone. crazy. look out your window, i am crazy. there is a room for rent. i came here with my bag. let me in. they must have taken the welcome committee away. for i am here alone. i do not have a phone. there is nobody home-  upstairs- in my head. i am only looking for a bed. please let me in. i saw the sign. i have the dime. i have walked here today- walked from far far away. not one person in my life understanding a single word i ever say, i have a good soul like you and if you let me in- we will make it okay again- if you look out and i am not there- blink your eyes and i will appear. hold me close in your heart- i will never let your world fall apart.

new designs

dear the way wet looks,

the wetness of a heart is the redness color that i like. a dry heart is pink and can turn orange or brown- and it makes the heart dry and used up crack apart and sink. when fishing out the remnants of leftover shards of that mess that does remain, be careful- take your time- tainted blood will in fact stain. pick yourself up, but don't let me down, just get yourself up off the ground. when concrete is wet it looks so green, watching the lies take their toll it seems, is the beauty before the cure. up to speed, stay in your lane- no left turn. pedestrians always have the right of way and anytime is train time. great news makes me want to do group therapy with a room full of sexual predators on viagra. next time tell me when you are coming. the toenail moon is a warning, beware of what you know. beware of what has set in wet concrete. beware of consuming diseased orange or brown meat. wake up and make us coffee and take for granted the new day, be careful don't turn the eyes from focus- one might slip away. i love you- don't forget that, slit your wrists instead. then use your blood for paint and the canvas- your bed.

i loved that show (and i am a witch)

dear twitch your nose diary,

well i don't know what this is all about, but black guys are payin me a whole lot of attention lately and i am likin it. the big ones look safe to me, safer than i have ever noticed them looking before. i dunno how else to say it, i've never looked at one twice, except eddie murphy- when i kissed him at the 1982 world's fair- at the hotel in knoxville- when i got his autograph- and in trouble. his hotel room smelled funny- but at a innocent twelve years of age- i had not a clue that was prolly the sweetest marijuana my nose to this day has yet to smell. my dad didn't like to hear that story- but he has come a long way- he'll tell it now. now that he knows who eddie murphy is. he would rather tell you how i got in trouble on my tenth birthday in new salem- when i left the school group and snuck over to elizabeth mongomery's tour bus and boarded and asked her if she could be my biological mother. i got her autograph too, you see, and i got lost, and a note home. but i had to know. how else was i going to find out? i suppose that is why i am so partial to my grandma's stove, it is just like the one samantha used on bewitched.

in line at the gas station (is where its at)

dear happy birthday rosa parks diary,

today is rosa park's birthday. for real. will the real rosa parks please stand up and move to the front of the bus. thank you. someone should make a cake. rose is a beautiful woman, and people should know. the hotel is out for tonight and i really wanted to go. i did. becky did too. she told me. i for one, could have got offa work and laid up in the jacuzzi all night like a dead fish. hell yes. i woulda went to panera bread and got two or three of them salads and had them suckers waitin next to the bubble bath. oh man. ever seen a dead fish in bubbles eating a salad? well, it ain't in the cards tonight. i feel awful for anderson cooper getting beat up in egypt. it was bound to happen. that dude is a goon. someone needs to tell him. asap. i need to figure out what ima wear to work tonight- everyone is going to be there. a busy night waits for me- and i need to do my hair. i feel like wearing tight jeans and a really cute sweater, and a really bad ass pair of boots- with silver buckles and made of leather. i think i will wear a regular hat, one that draws little to no attention, because if someone comes up to me and says, "i like your hat," i will punch them in the head before i mention- "i'm sorry i punched you in your head like that, i must have thought you were someone else, i am so ashamed of myself- for your face looks nothing like a cunt."

small minds/small heads (op 10/31/10)

dear reflection diary,

my small mind sits upon broad shoulders.

your small head swims in big pants (to accommodate your belly i'd imagine)


yay- are we still thinking alike? i just woke up

now i am sad (op 10/31/10)

IMMEDIATE WARNING:
the subject matter you are about to read has NOTHING TO DO with any subject I personally have ever written about- so i dunno- this is irrevelant to anything.

Dear Person I was just Having a conversation With and Refuse to continue:

OMG. after ten years, did you just really say that to me? did you say it just to hurt me? cuz blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhhh blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhhh blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhhh blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhhh blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhhh blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhhh blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhhh blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.


i promise.

get answers here (op 10/30/10)

get information here

every tuesday, wednesday, and thursday at nineteen minutes after six PM.

batter up (op 10/29/10)

dear first glance last chance diary,

the mosquitos were bad that september 13th night 2005 and the Goddess was sweaty from excitement, "You're outta my league," she told the man with the really bad breath, but she had told him on the phone earlier, "Ill kiss you once, even if you're ugly," and she could tell he was gettin ready to collect. He took her breath away, and picked her up off the ground and that was the longest kiss she'd had in 20 years. The butterflies that used to flutter make her want to vomit now.
skipping forward to a conversation between the same man and the Goddess in the very same parkinglot where he'd swung her around over two years previous, "Remember when I told you when we met- you were out of my league?" And the man answered, "Yes, you know that's bullshit," he cooed. She looked at the man with her eyes FILLED with tears and said, " I'm out of YOUR league, and I cant even believe I'm able to say that." And the man said to the Goddess, "Yes, you are."
But the Goddess didn't bail completely, she remained friends with the man because she felt bad for him and his situation, she knew he wasn't happy, he told her often.

i swear (op 10/29/10)

dear glazed over diary,

I WAS STARSTRUCK. AND YOU PEOPLE WANT TO KEEP CHASTISING ME? THE PROMISES, THE LIES, THE YEARS MAN, AND NOW ALL OF HIS WIFES LIES, AFTER I TRIED TO APOLOGIZE TO THE ALMIGHTY WITCH ON FEBRUARY 6, 2010.

I'M OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS ON HOW A REASONABLE PERSON WOULD ACT AFTER,
A: CONTRACTING AN STD,
B: FINDING OUT FROM A POLICE OFFICER THAT THE CITY EMPLOYEE HAD MULTIPLE AFFAIRS WHILE YOU WERE "AFFAIRING,"
C: BEING PERSECUTED AND ACCUSED OF STUPID JUVENILE (AND I DO MEAN JUVENILE) THINGS,
D; I'M THE ONE WHO ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP AND NOW I'M A DEFENDANT IN COURT-AND HES SCARED TO BE WITHOUT ME?
E: HIS WIFE IS JUST SO PISSED THAT I MADE HIM SO HAPPY FOR SO LONG AND GAVE HER ALL THOSE EXTRA YEARS SHE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD WITH HIM WITHOUT MY FRIENDSHIP BECAUSE MORE THAN ANYTHING- THAT'S WHAT WE WERE- BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE WAS FRIENDS- I DIDN'T LIKE HIS SEX- IT WAS ICKY- FROM THE START. 100% BUT HE WAS SO PREOCCUPIED WITH IT- I MOSTLY LET HIM JACK OFF AND KISSED HIM WHILE HE DUN IT. LOL LIL BEAN BAGGER HE WAS

hey charlie (op 10/29/10)

dear whatever diary,

it's not a matter of going my way or yours, its putting an end to it all, once and FOR all. as for the rest of what you said, i bout choked, because i couldn't imagine MY FRIEND actually speaking to me that way again after this, so im sure that it wasn't the ball-less, city employee who has fed his loving wife some kind of endless lie so she will not rake him for his measly city pension after their blissful twelve year marriage of which I've now been a part of for almost half instead of a third (which i would have been if HE could have just stopped when i said stop but no he kept on and kept on because I have NO self esteem and he fueled upon that- knowing no man with a fucking DRIVERS LICENSE let alone a career had ever taken interest in me but HE DID AND HE KEPT ON. AND NOW HE'S SCARED?

ok

the thing is (op 10/29/10)

Dear Mrs. Bitter diary,

I've helped and volunteered at the GOOD SAMARITAN INN downtown at 543 N. Water, here in Decatur, and I think that its extremely RUDE of you to bring these KIND people into your childish fantasies. I have been into their HOMES, where believe me- you'd rather be HOMELESS- and the floors are made of DIRT rather than the fake laminate flooring squares glued to the landing in your entryway. You may think I am "stupid" and a "helpless creature," but I have more figured out than you know. You may want and choose to BLAME others for the wrong things that have happened to you, when in reality, AND I DO MEAN REALITY, those things were of your own volition, NOT MINE.

And as far as the SELF HELP WEBSITES honey, those weren't for MY benefit. lol I will however post the ones Ive gained inspiration from, if you'd like.

Thanks.

Ps. How's that view over your shoulder?

heres my poll i took (10/29/2010)

whore poll

we all have problems besides daddy (op 10/29/10)

dear wonder why he is why he is diary,

Read this puppy and find out.

Unlike physical or sexual abuse, where a single incident constitutes abuse, emotional abuse is made up of a series of incidents, or a pattern of behavior that occurs over time. Emotional abuse is more than just verbal insults, the most common definition of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a series of repeated incidents - whether intentional or not - that insults, blames, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates, and/or controls another person.

It may include a pattern of one or more of the following abuses: insults, criticisms, aggressive demands or expectations, threats, rejection, neglect, blame, emotional manipulation and control, isolation, punishment, terrorizing, ignoring, or teasing.

Harassment, physical and sexual abuse, and witnessing abuse of others are also forms of emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse can take place anywhere: at home, in relationships, and in the courthouse.


Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from your daughter?

Does your partner limit your access to money or material resources?

Has your partner ever run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Do you feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?


Emotional Abuse and Gender
It's unclear whether males or females are more emotionally abusive, however, it seems that women are more likely to use emotional abuse to gain control and power, while men are more likely to use physical intimidation, aggression, and violence.


Identifying the abuse as abuse is an important step in your healing. It means that you recognize that what happened to you was wrong, hurtful, and not your fault. Placing responsibility for the abuse on the abuser is key to healing from abuse.
Countering the negative messages that you received is also really important. You may need to write down all the insulting things that you learned about yourself and counter each one with the truth. It may feel unnatural or foreign to counter these messages, but it will help you to feel better in the long-run. Catch yourself when you find that you are putting yourself down. Take a breath, and remind yourself that you don't want to do that anymore, that you don't deserve to be hurt, and that you want to think of yourself differently.

See if you can come up with something that you like about yourself. If you can't come up with something good, think about how you would like to think about yourself. The idea is to interrupt the flow of insulting thoughts you have, and to find ways to replace those thoughts with self-soothing ones.

By finding ways to be gentle and soothing with yourself, you are directly countering those messages. Being kind to yourself by asking yourself what you need, what you want to do, and letting yourself do those things are all ways to create a more positive and loving relationship with yourself.

No matter what you've been told or how you've been treated, you are worthy of love and respect. The more you know this, the less likely you will be to accept disrespectful or abusive behavior towards yourself or others. You should not have to take emotional abuse from anyone - no matter what the excuse. You deserve to be treated well.

he thought he was tiger woods (op 10/28/10)

dear diary,

guess who was number 17?

intense obsessions (op 10/28/10)

dear diagnosis diary,

The term "sexual addiction" is used to describe the behavior of a person who has an unusually intense sex drive or an obsession with sex. Sex and the thought of sex tend to dominate the sex addict's thinking, making it difficult to work or engage in healthy personal relationships.
Sex addicts engage in distorted thinking, often rationalizing and justifying their behavior and blaming others for problems. They generally deny they have a problem and make excuses for their actions.
Sexual addiction also is associated with risk-taking. A person with a sex addiction engages in various forms of sexual activity, despite the potential for negative and/or dangerous consequences. In addition to damaging the addict's relationships and interfering with his or her work and social life, a sexual addiction also puts the person at risk for emotional and physical injury.
For some people, the sex addiction progresses to involve illegal activities, such as exhibitionism (exposing oneself in public), making obscene phone calls, or molestation. However, it should be noted that sex addicts do not necessarily become sex offenders.


Behaviors associated with sexual addiction include:

•Compulsive masturbation (self-stimulation) CONSTANT
•Multiple affairs (extra-marital affairs) CHECK
•Multiple or anonymous sexual partners and/or one-night stands ROMANTIX/ CHECK/CHECK/CHECK
•Consistent use of pornography CONSTANT
•Unsafe sex REFUSED CONDOMS
•Phone or computer sex (cybersex) CITY BUSTED- GOT A LAPTOP/CHECK
•Prostitution or use of prostitutes TO CHEAP TO PAY/ USES EMOTION CHECK
•Exhibitionism DOES IT ANYWHERE IN PUBLIC/AT WORK/ADVERTISES ONLINE
•Obsessive dating through personal ads ON EVERY SINGLES WEBSITE/ HAVE DOCUMENTATION
•Voyeurism (watching others) and/or stalking GROUP SEX
•Sexual harassment LOST EMPLOYMENT AT LEAST 3 JOBS
•Molestation/rape WIFE ACCUSED OF TOUCHING DAUGHTER



NO THREAT DETECTED

near the knuckle (op 10/28/10)

dear trying to learn more diary,

Idiom Definitions for 'Near the knuckle'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If something is near the knuckle, it is bit explicit or too close to the truth for comfort

girding loins (op 10/28/10)

dear always trying to learn diary,


Idiom Definitions for 'Gird one's loins':

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you gird your loins, you prepare for conflict or a difficult time.

re: re: sometimes (op 10/28/10)

dear still not a threat diary,

Do you feel like someone is threatening you? I would seek help for that. Are you seeing ghosts and UFO's too?

I was speaking in an IDIOM, apparently to an IDIOT, so that should answer both of your questions then, and to then be clearer..... no, and not to you.

sometimes (op 10/28/10)

dear not a threat diary,

sometimes what you think you know and what is real are two different things.

id be really careful before i jumped into the water, you might not come out.

im just sayin, i don't want to see you get hurt anymore than you already are.

i can swim all day long.

dear shelby and daisy (OP 10/26/10)

dear sweet puppy and one ugly dog diary,

ever since I heard your mommy tell me one of you was sick, I HOPED IT WAS YOU SHELBY STAR, because you Daisy are the sweetest thing and DO NOT DESERVE to be where you are, but that cant be helped, you are loved. But I'm glad you are both ok, because you both are good, its just Daisy is SO MUCH SWEETER and softer and cuddles better IN THE BED- that's right up IN THE BED. So I dunno BUT I LIKE MY DOGS IN THE BED. And I miss Daisy Mae. We ate donut holes together.

there is a way to make it go away (original post 10/26/10)

DEAR TIM DIARY,

THERE IS A WAY TO SHUT ME UP. THERE IS A WAY TO MAKE ALL THIS GO AWAY.

BE A MAN. TELL THE JUDGE THAT THERE SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN AN ORDER OF PROTECTION ENTERED IN THE FIRST PLACE, THEN TELL HIM WHY YOU DID IT. I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO YOU. WE PARTED AS FRIENDS. YOU KNOW THAT.

THEN TELL THE STATES ATTY HOW YOUR WIFE BUTTERED UP THE STORY AND YOU WENT ALONG WITH IT BECAUSE YOU WERE SCARED. TELL HER HOW THERE WAS NO WRENCH IN THE TIRE, HOW THERE'VE BEEN NO CALLS, AND HOW YOUR WIFE CONSTANTLY MAKES STUFF UP LIKE THIS WHEN SHE GETS ANGRY AT PEOPLE, (FORMER NEIGHBORS, FRIENDS, ETC)

OTHERWISE, YOUR EYES WILL GET PUFFIER, YOUR STOMACH FATTER AND IT WILL BE HARDER AND HARDER TO FIND NEW WOMEN TO SATISFY YOUR PRIMAL URGES, OR MEN, OR WHATEVER YOU ARE INTO THESE DAYS. I SAW YOUR BUFFALO WILD WING GIRL AND WOW- YOU ARE MOVIN RIGHT ON UP IN THE WORLD. BUT NONETHELESS, TIM, REALLY, THINK ABOUT DOIN WHAT IS RIGHT, AND ENDING THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL.

IFFIN YOU WANT TO GO ON THO, I DO ENJOY SEEING YOU AND YOUR LOVELY BRIDE AT COURT. I OFTEN COUNT THE SPLIT ENDS IN HER STRAWLIKE HAIR WHEN I SIT BEHIND YOU AND ALWAYS PLAY 3393 IN PICK 4 MIDDAY AND 619 PICK 3 AT NIGHT.

WELL, TIM, WE WILL HAVE TO SEE WHAT THE FUTURE BRANGS.

LOVE,
OMG BECKY

up up and back to bed

dear good morning to you diary,

what a night. i dreamed i was watering the plants outside and damn near twisted becky's poor toenail off trying to get the hose to shut off. if she would not have yelped- ida prolly kept on trying. then i made reservations at the ramada for the jacuzzi tonight, boy wouldn't that be nice, and then ate donuts and found money on my tray at the mello cream donut shop in springfield. see, that is what confuses me so much sometimes. is because in say- a year or two- that dream may get miscategorized- and go in the 'actually did' pile. cuz the dreams where i can fly- clearly those i didn't do, but the dreams about everyday things- are as common as a shoe. and beins that i sleep so much- my two worlds collide. sometimes i know its best to not even step outside. that is why i say i have a normal life, safely in the confines of my bed, and when i shut my eyes, i am liked and understood and never a tear gets shed. but then i cant use my gift i was given, the one that makes me strong. when i keep my talent hidden away- it makes the days so long. i must continue to polish what i have until it shines so bright, and like my other beautiful dream- it too- will soon take flight.

ummm.. no you get this str8 (10/26/10)

dear guy who wrote me diary,


EXCUSE ME is it cuz your WIFE cheated LOL couldn't keeper at home? I can help. DON'T TRY SO HARD. You seem so ready to figure shit out. Sometimes its better to just GO WITH THE FLO rather than KNOW. That's what he complained about the most was her overbearingness, and I can see that PLAIN AS DAY now. Look, I know you kinda just wanted to throw your TWO cents in, but you need FIFTY here and your FORTY EIGHT short K?

I wont be GROWING UP soon. I like me this way. I'm happy, intelligent, and I smile at EVERYONE I meet. I probably even smiled at you today if I saw you in public. Its just how I am. I was a happy baby, and Ima die a happy old person. I have happy children and happy dogs. I'm TORN UP on the inside right now, but only my fingers and CRAIGS LIST and know. I don't take LITHIUM, I take PROZAC and TOPAMAX. I'm old school.

Don't give up on dating. Don't take advice from me, however, on the subject, I haven't done it since i was 17 and my last attempt, well, LMAO, need i say more. I will say tho, CONDOMS buddy. CONDOMS.

AND don't put me in that class of bitches that does married men. K? I'm not married, he was MY FIRST, and MY LAST, AND MY ONLY.

something else (original post 10/2610)

dear future diary,

I prolly woulda never even hated the CITY EMPLOYEE, had it not been for his WIFE.

YEAH, I dumped him, but we remained FRIENDS, he still mowed my dads yard, AND I PAID HIM CASH, because I didn't want to suck his dick for it.

Until all of THIS NONSENSE, when I was sad or DEPRESSED, which WASN'T VERY OFTEN MIND YOU, I was able to ring his phone once, on every thirD day, lol, and he would IMMEDIATELY, return my calls, and talk to me FOR HOURS and we would laugh and cry and catch up about EVERYTHING, which would always "spark" something for him, but never for me. I think I used him as an emotional crutch at times, because I SO wanted him to be THAT PERSON he said he was in the beginning when I believed all his lies.

I didn't want to ever tell anyone he gave me the STD, that's why I agreed to the extension to the preliminary OP, I didn't want to have a trial and bring out all the dirty laundry about the threesomes, and the sex parties in Springfield, and breaking into my house BEFORE he had the key, and getting fired from JEMerrit for sexual harassment and so on and so on and so on. But I'm not scared anymore to bring any of it out. I am ready. THEY MADE A DEAL WITH ME ON MAY 14, 2010, AND ON SEPT 2, 2010 THEY BROKE IT.

i wouldn't even consider springer (original post 10/26/10)

dear documentary diary,

Right now, Im leaning towards Dateline NBC, because not only were my civil rights violated, AS THEY'VE POINTED OUT (cuz see im dumb and didn't know that before the producers pointed that out) but A PLEMINARY ORDER OF PROTECTION was granted based on LIES and the fact that I "harassed" the PETITIONERS WIFE AND, i never had a relationship with the PETITIONERS WIFE, she PIGGYBACKED on the fact that I banged her HOMO husband TWO YEARS previous to the filing of the SAID petition.

THEN theres the factual basis that HIS WIFE STALKED ME TWICE and I was denied a NO STALKING ORDER, OH and did I mention I have VIDEO of this? YEAH? DATELINE LOVED THAT.

THen the BAILIFF seemed to be FRIENDS with them during my TRIAL and poked his head out and TOLD THEM I WAS GUILTY BEFORE THE JURY CAME OUT WITH THEIR DECISION.

And the fact that THe PETITIONER was SUSPENDED FROM HIS JOB FOR 3 MONTHS IN JAN 06 TO MARCH 06 FOR POSTING A PIC OF HIS PRIVATE AREA ONLINE AND SOMEONE EMAILED IT TO THE CITY MANAGER.

PERSONALLY, I WANTED NANCY GRACE. BUT DATELINE WILL COME HERE. AND THAT'S IMPORTANT. SO I CAN SHOW THEM THE CAR WASH. AND WHERE I PICKED HIM UP AT HIS HOUSE. AND THE DUMPSTER. LOLOOLOLOL. SO ITS ALL GOOD. NOW.

WE COULD STILL GO TO NANCY THO. ITS ALL FIRST CLASS. ALL FREE. AND THEY PAY YOU. THE WIFE COULD USE HER MONEY TO HAVE EXTENSIVE STD TESTING.

please kids (no pity) original post 10/25/10

dear personal hygiene diary,

I still have what matters the most, and THE MAN IN THE ROBE SAW THRU THEM, thank you JESUS IN THE SKY, and I'll get my boob job next year.

As far as the "friend," listen, this is what I know and have learned about TRUE FRIENDS K? Again speaking HYPOTHETICALLY, a TRUE FRIEND will help you hide the body.

And that is all I know.

Sometimes you just bite off more than you can chew, I sure hope that his wife has as good OR better teeth than I do, and mine are damn near perfect. And that is NO JOKE.

i could write more (original post 10/25/10)

dear more and more and more and more and more diary,

and as far as the names and pics go- DUN SENT THOSE VIA TEXT. I don't do NAMES (except for in the H&R 3/9/08 happy ad section all the way over to the left) because I KNOW THE RULES and while I maybe DUMB, I'm not STOOPID.  I just want GET THIS SHIT OFF MY CHEST because I'M NOT GOING TO LIVE MY LIFE AS THE "BAD GUY" WHEN I'M NOT THE ONE HAVING SEX WITH PEOPLE OF MY OWN GENDER AND HIDING BEHIND A BADGE DOING IT.


DATELINE NBC, NANCY GRACE, AND DR. PHIL SEEM INTERESTED. LMAO FACT.

i just cant stop (original post 10/24/10)

dear do you even REALIZE how much crap I know diary,

I could fill up page after page after page of information, detailing five years of stuff that's happened in your PEACEFUL life since you moved from the house in south shores to the north end of town where you are now, and i want to SO FRICKIN BAD, SO FRICKIN BAD, SO FRICKIN BAD, did I say SO fricken bad? If you had half a brain, and I think that you do, you'll SURLY go back and look at old posts? Wont you? Cuz I AIN'T takin them off, smart lady.

In September 2007 you and your man were invited to go live in the DR PHIL house with me and my man, I AM NOT KIDDING I SWEAR TO GOD, but your man wouldn't agree to it. I still have ALL of the emails, and someday I had HOPED to be able to share that with you. NOw, Nance Grace wants us to go, and I don't want any money from you people, I just want to PROVE that what I HAVE BEEN SAYING THE WHOLE TIME IS THE TRUTH, and well, now, of course, PROVING THAT YOU ARE A LIAR would just be an added extra at this point, because we ALL KNOW I never touched ANY of your vehicles, or your "porch light" or made your "dog ill," or "called your work and hung up" OR, "called your work and TALKED to you," that is just DUMB, and a 45 YEAR OLD WOMAN could DO BETTER THAN THAT.

Honestly, I was embarrassed when your husband would come to where I was. You make him dress like a freak. He has a job and works very hard to support you and your daughter, and for you to make him dress like an old man like that, I don't know how he is able to pull off cheating on you like he does. Now I tried to help him, by getting cologne and some cool shirts and showing him what kind of jeans men were wearing that did not have elastic in the waistband. and I saw he got new boots at the trial, hope he got new tennis shoes too, but even that was THREE YEARS AGO DARLING. You kinda need to GET WITH THE PROGRAM. Didja see the date on the pictures I left outside court?

Now Im not sayin alla this to hurtcha K? I just wanta be clear. YOU HAVE YOUR PITAFUL DRUNKEN BAR INFESTED LIFE, and I have mine. After THursday, If you want this all to be over, then ITS UP TO YOU. IF YOU WANT TO KEEP SEEING ME, THEM KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING CUZ I GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO MY KITTY.

I think you are just pissed off because you know how much he loved me AND STILL LOVES ME for that matter and it just drives you insane that for over half your marriage- Ive been there. LOL

and why would you even want to be with a MF YOU ACCUSED OF TOUCHING AND FONDELING YOUR DAUGHTER ANYMFWAY thats just sick. TWISTED

a quick note to the people harassing me (original post 10/23/10)

dear paying to hate diary,

if i could go back in thyme, and it turns out I can, id tell you that you have made one of the gynormous mistakes of your life because i am the smartest retard your husband ever came across, LITERALLY, and its really f'ed up and SAD on your parts because I wanted NOTHING to do with him, AND TOLD HIM THAT, and now  I'm bound by a court of law to HATE him, which is really hard to do, and I am doing the best I can, and in the only way I know how because HATE for me is a LEARNED behavior USUALLY, with the exception of you my dear, it came easy, just looking at you I can tell why he feels the way he does about you and its sad because your husband was SO FUNNY lol and KIND and SWEET, he just has a sex addiction and he's sick. He's a PREVERT, I used to call him, but he was a GOOD MAN, he's just SICK, and he's been cheating on you since the day you got married. He was 100% honest with me UNTIL I closed that door, and he shut down, I shared in his addiction for two years lady, I WAS NASTY, AND NOW I'M PAYING THE PRICE, and you want me to continue to pay? I will NOT BE ANOTHER VICTIM TO YOU. NO FUCKING WAY. Do I hate you? YOU FUCKING BETCHA. BOTH OF YOU. I WAS DONE. BEEN DONE. BEEN HONEST WITH MY FAMILY, ALL OF THEM. I HAVE TO LIVE WITH WHAT IVE DONE. WHY CANT YOU?

to the lady (missin my facebook) original post 10/22/10

dear all bullshit set aside diary,

there ain't nothing wrong with you, except you've LOST YOUR MIND, to approach MY friends and tell them to "get me help."
idfts.
you know i came home after our "meeting" the other day and just went APESHIT on facebook lol omfg i bet you all 26 of my friends and family thought I'd fallen off the deep end, I know my children did. And then after a long hot bubble bath I realized, I'm NOT going to give you WHAT YOU WANT lol you are NOT MY PRINCESS FISHBITCH like you are everyone elses.

i may have been a little toy for your husband, but im not going to be a toy for you lady. YOu've done had your fun with me, and now it is MY turn my dear. I am going to make it my LIFE'S MISSION TO MAKE SURE THAT MY STORY GETS HEARD. YOU BETTER BUHLIEVE THAT MY DEAR WOMAN. ALL THE WAY DOWN IN THE DEEPEST DEPTHS OF YOUR SOUL. YOU TRIED TO GAG ME, BUT COULDN'T WITH NOTHING OTHER THAN THE SIGHT OF YOUR OLD WRINKLED FACE.

Just for shits and gigs- wanna know why my world didn't crumble? ITS BECAUSE I TOLD THE TRUTH. Its because I was honest with my FAMILY and the PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME. BECAUSE YOU AND YOUR MAN WERE NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO BREAK DOWN MY CONCRETE WALL. WE HAVE 22 YEARS UNDER US AND BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU MY MAN AIN'T NEVER LEFT ME IN MY BED TO GO LOVE ON ANOTHER WOMAN. I KNOW HOW TO SATISFY A MAN.

Thank you. Kindly get off your high horse now and go find some impotent man to care for your you. Im sure there's another one out there SOMEWHERE without an STD.


PS........ TAKE THE OFFER TO BE ON NANCY GRACE SWIFT JUSTICE. UNLESS U DON'T WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW YOUR LIARS LIKE I ALREADY DO.

your new look (is nasty) original post 10/19/10

dear picture picture on the wall diary,

Hey, I saw you today, with your big belly and your puffy eyes and your saggy cheeks and that faggy voice and OMFG it made me sick to my stomach to think for a moment that I allowed you into my life. You are VIOLENTLY disgusting and repulsive, and I wish the most ill of fate upon you and anything that you care about.

You take care and I do hope that you are having THE most wonderful evening. Im going back to my BRAND NEW bathtub.
Then I will have some PHENOMENAL love making with my CONCRETE WALL that neither you or your glory hole wife could knock down.

Sheep Go To Heaven
Goats Go To Hell

Bahhhhhhhh

lady leavin wal-mart (original post 10/5/10)

dear lady in red diary,

i saw you leavin the north doors of the decatur north walmart Sunday, with the cutest little chunky boy- who looked JUST like you- and you had on a red outfit and you really looked me up and down. It was around 10:45 am and all the FIRE TRUCKS were in sams club parking lot because its FIRE PREVENTION WEEK and I am certain you went over there. LMAO. i wish you weren't so afraid to talk to me again. we have allot in common, and hopefully i can still prevent you from getting herpes or something worse. honey, you ain't special, i can tell by lookin at you... and if you think that you are... have you seen his wife?

normal people are rare

dear life is going to be quiet again for a day and then it will be the weekend diary,

oh the way things work out. i met some really cool and normal people tonight at the bar. then a drunk smelly guy named mike came up to shake my hand. i learned allot about him. he has a son that he takes to skateland, who wears hats, and the guy mike- wears dress up shirts and blue jeans and lots of knock off cologne and heavy alcohol. he seemed insulted when i told him to be safe and not to drive drunk. the normal people seemed really interesting- she knew my old teacher. her husband looked like a cop. and their kid- a jr fbi agent. if you're wondering why they had their kid at the bar- it's a kid friendly bar. i used to take my kids there all the time- even tho i don't drink. i had nicki make me drinks in the tall fruity glasses so i looked like i was drinking- and being socially unacceptable at noon on saturday morning. the normal lady asked me for my blog address, and i actually gave her the right one. i have never been bashful a day in my life- yet suddenly- knowing all the drivel i have spewed here- i began to feel clammy and itchy and sweaty and scared, cuz i dunno- she seemed so normal- i kinda wanted her to stay that way. maybe she'll get bored in five minutes. it will be nice to finally have life quiet again tomorrow. it has been a long stupid week.

see ya! don't let the vault hitcha

dear i hate my bank diary,

some people love their bank and even sing about it on tv. me? not me. see, i feel the exact opposite. i hate my bank and wish someone would blow it up. but it would not do any good. here is why. the bank closest to my house, the one you would think i would go to, i quit going to, they just flat suck, and i thought it was just them, it's not. nope. nuh UH. so i go to the one on pershing. THEY SUCK THERE TOO. so today i went downtown, i thought surely there was a branch down there, i finally found one. it turned out to be the worst in town. i believe ima switch banks one of these days- that does it for me- regions bank can suck my dick. i am history.

do you know i beat (my blanket)

dear strawberry fields forever diary,

after painting my nails no spain no gain which is a hot purple color- i realized i wanted them red any shade of red would do, but now that they are so damn perfectly purple- i am leaving them. they are perfect. when i wake up in the morning i will look fresh. so i had to wash my feather blanket again. the grump- he drug it in to the living room and soaked it in the plant dish- and i had just watered the plant til it overflowed. OMFG i was so mad. down it took it and ran it through the whole sanitary cycle wash again- and the dryer lint filter FILLED up with feathers. it looked like a snow globe for the second time today down there. i think this summer i am going to hang my blanket from a tree outside and beat it with a broom till all the feathers fly away. then it will be a pretty good blanket. i need to get my DAMN picture taken. where do you do that at? fuck. now i am hungry. painting my nails makes me hungry sometimes. at least the plow wont keep me up tonight. i will wake up and eat. a grapefruit and four donuts and cottage cheese and koolaid. well. time to fly.

abusing the power (while i still got it on)

dear more acts of violence diary,

a single developer bought the entire block. sorry about your friend. can we talk? why are you doing this to us. is it about my loyalty? take the prospects around back. i'll deal with the investors. sign up is quick, i told them. how are the girls? we gotta get your family out of here. you've got to protect them brother. nothing ties him to us. spare a fag? ewww menthol. what time is it? time to buy my own fags. what we need to do is find someone working with him, the closer the better. you'll find he is quite resourceful. when the truth comes out, you will be the trader. i need to tie up that loose end. yea? i went looking for you last night. what should i do? it's the truth i'm after. you can't look me in the eye and say that. can you? i am about to break a vow of confidentiality, made so long ago. shit. new and used. declarations of abuse. it's outta my hands. paving the way. i have my hands on allot. the suspects are a group of civil servants and business men. my ways are behind me and i heard about you. i know where you're coming from, but i have no idea where you've been. i figured you would give me a minute to finish up. i'm about to tell you something that comes from two levels above me, no way we need more time. they're gunna come here and we should expect that. scotch? bottom shelf. i got no hard evidence, but i know whose involved.

going out to eat (in the shower)

dear go away and lay down and quit licking me so much diary,

i just swept the ceiling. that's is another thing the cleaning lady overlooks. i just called ken's too. they're open so iffin i do get out of here- i can get the snake a rat. and that is where i would go after panera bread. because i been craving an asian chicken salad since the war broke out in egypt. it really looks less spooky in here with the smokewebs gone. now i am washing the mattress pad on my bed. it hasn't been done since christmas. eww. it'll be nice to have a clean bed again. i change the sheets once a week or more- cuz of becky- but i don't wash the pad that much- i prolly should- but i am lazy. i look at it this way- some folks don't even use a mattress pad. double eww and yuck. the snake has been hunting since she shed, creeping around all day and night. i might get her two rats. i prolly will, i am. she could eat three prolly, but i will stick with two, one small and one large. prolly give her the small one first as an appetizer- a salad. she can down any size, but she may not be as interested in another one after she pounds a meaty bitch- so i'll tease her and then satisfy her. that's what i like. maybe ill video her during the noisy kill. that would be charming. to bad she couldnt eat a deer.

"deer, it's whats for dinner dear."

war pigs (son of a meatloaf)

dear grounded hogs day diary,

i don't think any pigs will be doing much of anything today. except seeing their shadows. son of a bitch. suck my rotten twat. whatever. i don't mind winter, because i know it kills all the crap- but i like spring a whole lot better. it isn't that i don't understand its use,  i've just had enough already. i am so thankful i haven't parted yet, because being away from my people during all of this would make things a million times worse. wondering how my dad is would kill me about now. it is gunna be just another day in my shelter. they have already begun the requests for meatloaf again. i just made it the other night- the whole thing devoured. i have to tell you tho, i do make a killer loaf. and then the sweet tangy catsup goo on top- makes it all but irresistible. yes, it's regular catsup and brown sugar, and a touch of molasses, but then i put homemade catchup in there too- which kicks it OFF the charts. i don't skimp it on there either. im generous. piling the real butter- real cream whipped red potatoes next to the perfect sliced meat loaf and fresh bacon seasoned green beans, omg, help me rhonda. i got the ground sirloin out last night and stuck it in the fridge- them fuckers always get what they want. all i want is to cash my lottery ticket. maybe tomorrow. i hope nobody shits today- we are on the last roll of toilet paper. there's bounty in the hall closet tho. fuck i am already yawning and i just got up.

HBO (in HD)

dear going back diary,

i wonder if there will ever be a time i will feel normal again. gosh i hope not. i love the extra motivation and spring in my step, not to mention the cash. i never thought being a whore was actually going to pay off, but it did. and there wasn't much sex to it. i mean there was kinda in the beginning- but it sure didn't last long. i think that is why i never felt the guilt. there wasn't time. nothing that lasted 9 seconds could cause guilt- could it? it did- FIVE YEARS LATER- but it also did something else. secured my future- without a marriage. in fact, i bet ima get more outta the time i spent with the little dick fucker than his wife will, in the end. when it's all said and done. and that is the work of Karma. and i can't get enough of that. clink clink- it's a toast- want butter on it? you know you need lubrication- i don't. ima squirter. i get wet really easy. i am wet now. and i am tired. that and income taxes are great. it would suck to pay.

check out what i saw once (when i wasn't looking)

dear chinese food inventors,

wasn't it the chinese who invented toilet paper? SHOUT OUT! you can use that shit for everything. i like their food too. i just got done with some pork fried rice and lo mien noodles leftover from sunday night after work. damn im glad i heated that shit up before i threw it away. fuck me it was good. i coulda ate it all night, but i was hungry from cleaning. it's fun to clean at night. becky hates me on the floor. she don't understand. it worries her. my house is a fucking pig sty. and it gets "professionally" cleaned every tuesday- cept today. look, ima just be honest- lay it out there- on the mother fucking table, i am a filthy pig- by my standards. clearly there are worse, but there are much better. i'll tell you who keeps a clean house- that cuntface. she does. but, you can't live there. you can't love there. at least i have a mattress pad on all mattresses in my home AND my towels smell fresh. and my dogs are happy- and my bathroom door shuts right. but yeah. the funny thing is- squirrels still die in front of fancy homes on the north side of town too. they do. cuz i saw.  

death on the shadow

please don't help me (i got up on my own)

dear reliable and comforting diary,

i just checked my pick four lottery ticket from last sunday night. i bought one on the way to work cuz i needed change and i didn't have anything else to buy. guess what? it won. and now i cant even cash it- cuz of the roads and shit. wtf. its weird too cuz while i was buying that lottery ticket- i found twenty bucks on the floor of the store. Karma. i am telling you. i just ate a salad- someone ate up all the ranch dressing, prolly on chicken mcnuggets or some stupid shit. i love broccoli and ranch dressing. but plain broccolli was good. i used monical's dressing on my salad- it was fine. becky wont eat lettuce- but she loved the broccoli- the grump wont eat lettuce either- at least not from me. i am going to mop the floor and clean out all the cracks- and when i wake up in the morning ima make yeast cinnamon rolls and regular rolls. it's going to be a surprise for my people, ima let them rise on the stove, and roll them out with my new granite rolling pin, and let them rise again. they will be super gooey- just like my mom's. i might have to stay up all night and start them babies tonight. a big gooey roll before bed would be such a delight. it'll be more fun than in 2006, being cooped up in the house, even if we lose power this time, i am not worried about anyone else. only my family and those who i know- truly do love me, not gunna worry about the little dick mother fuckin city employee- OR his family. and i DO NOT NEED HIM TO GO CHECK ON MY DAD, even tho he is now five years OLDER, everything is under control- besides- he has a really WEAK shoulder. and if his power pole should fall down- i have the money to hire someone to put it back up man- unlike before when the city employee helped the whore with electricians in his FAMILY, don't worry you wont get the chance to help us again. we didn't have shit- but we do now- and it is all because of my gift.

plunk down snowy tuesday (boobs out)

dear not leaving the house is fun diary,

my boobs are hanging out of the same clothes i've had on now for the last two days. and i am loving that shit. i dont smell the need to change anytime soon. i can't wait to see U2 in chicago on july 4th. i have always wanted to see U2. i still haven't found what i'm looking for. maybe i can find it there. i almost got to see them at red rocks in colorado- but i didn't get to. another post. another day. ima have a wonderful holiday weekend in soldier field. this year has allot to offer and my hands are OUT.  sunday bloody sunday. the dogs are play fighting again- both have their teeth showing. becky wins everytime- even when they ain't playin. she's starting to fill out. her legs aren't as long and lanky as they were- she's starting to get some meat on them suckers. her chest has always been wide. her paws are thick- so i knew she was gunna be a big girl. she'll take your breath when she plunks down on your belly. especially when you're asleep.

it is almost spring (just think)

dear they wasn't lying i guess diary,

oh my goodness. the outside decorations have finally arrived. there goes a plow. plows always make a ton of noise on my street because of the median thing- they cant stay the fuck off of it. i got all the shit at the store to make vegetable soup after the next roast. ima pull one out of the deep freeze today and start thawin the bitch. there goes the plow again. didn't it JUST start snowing? my lil becky slept hard last night. her paw is all better, i checked it first thing. that medication is awesome. the grump looks like a mermaid today- he just stretched way out. i love it when he trembles near the end of his stretch. i wish i was a dog. there goes the plow again, followed by another plow. they must roll in doubles now. i better call daddy and make sure he's ok. there go the two plows again- this time the other way. maybe that will do it for a minute or two- you would think the snow- it's not coming down that fast, ive been sitting here but only for a few minutes and four times at least they've past.

the first day, not the first entry, not the last smile (either)

dear madly devoted to my bed diary,

sleeping is my all-time favorite activity. and when i can teach people to fly in my dreams- super cool. i've always known how to fly in my dreams- but teaching my aunt barbara in vegas- the most skeptical woman ever- cool even for a dream. it isn't like a bird flying tho, it is more like a very long lasting high jump. i wish we could really do something like that. i would fly all over. i have a whole different life in my bed. a normal life. one where people like me and i am appreciated and my hair is always clean and fresh. i don't know what is up with my hair lately. i just fucking don't care about washing it anymore. ever since i got those new hairbrushes- i just brush it now. cars are flyin by here at rapid speeds. and i ain't even dreaming that. i suppose i will go back to bed and rest my head and wait to see if the cleaning lady calls. i am ready for her in every way- i hope she comes today.

ring my bail (bill of rings)

dear in eleven years diary,

it will be my phone number. that's stupid. now i just gave out my phone number. but that's ok. nobody knows the area code. there's a pump out by the shed. the CIA has not produced any public information. ima clean the oven soon. i usually do after the holiday's but i wasn't done cooking turkeys. but i am now. for a while anyway. becky has a chapped paw. the grump used to get those when he was a baby dog too. my legs used to rub together as a kid when we would go to the zoo or six flags. it always hurt. i bet becky's paw feels like that. i soaked it in a pan and cleaned it really well and then applied the special cream from the vet from the last time. it'll be better tomorrow. school is out today so ima make the kid scrub his room down- change his bed. i dunno if the cleaner lady will come- i'd bet she will. i love tuesdays. well, i guess i will close up shop for the night. maybe the mall will be open today. i would hate to miss a safe day.

oops i went there again (love you brittany)

dear fruitjelly and labor onions,

hailow again my pretty. i just made lemon cupcakes after i put my hair in ponytails and slid my cut off shorts on. now i am in the bubble bath. ill write until my battery starts flashing and then i will click publish and hop out of the tub and skip through the house to my pile of clean jammies. i love pajamas- more than anything. the cupcakes are wipe. ima sucker for a good cupcake tho. i need to find a nice pleated white shirt. i want a bunch of pleats in the front. i have to get a picture professionally taken for the group in new york. so i figured i would do that this week. they want you in a white dress shirt. FUCK. it's for press releases and the office wall. it's supposed to look like everyone else's. mine will look different. it doesn't matter how many examples they send. they sent a picture of jenne's professional headshot. BAHAHAHAHAH. she doesn't even look so sexy there. the day of my interview she sure was- scary sexy. i figured that was the only reason she had a job- cuz someone wanted to fuck her. hey, i know how that shit works. sucks they paired me up with the bitch. maybe you're supposed to look goofy for the picture, so when you get met in person- you surprise everybody, or everyone's lookin for someone else. i hate getting my picture taken. you know, some believe it steals away part of your soul. i think that's only when it captures your eyes tho, i don't think the genital area counts- or we would have one soul-less city employee to worry about.

rain rain (don't go away)

dear first shift weather maker diary,

i love you. you make me so happy in my heart. to know that cuntface has the bestest driveway in decatur and no in house penis to take care of that for her makes me fuckin grin. it shouldn't matter, i know, but i used to pity the city worker, having to deal with that always and foremost before reporting for his shift, then to rush home after his shift to clear it again. and as a treat, cuntface would never let him bring his dirty uniform into the house to be washed. the nerve of the bitch. how could you deny your man the right to wash his clothes at home? his clothes were never that dirty when he washed them at my house. needless to say- i don't care about the snow to much- and im not uptight about laundry, either one ain't too much for me. if you dirty up your pants, i'll just wash them, and i'll have one of the neighborhood kids shovel out a path for us- and if its real bad out- i ain't to good to ride a bus. but i know some people never change, and that is what i am smiling about tonight- cuntface and all the freezing rain.

aged like cheese

dear burnt out on the weather diary,

i gotta get out of here. i do. and quick. i think i am going nuts. either that or i went nuts already, got better, and now i am going nuts again. doodles and pencil tips, it would suck to be lost right now. how do you hit a train? how could you shoot your kids? i feel bad when i burn the waffles. more checks came in the mail today, it always cracks me up. new york sends me money and i feel i haven't done shit. i mean, a job is when you paint something, or put wood together, or answer phones or make some food or extinguish a fire or teach kids or collect garbage or pull people over or clean the streets or make sheets or make people better or suck cocks or fix clocks or clean teeth. but what i do is absolutely nothing and fuckin that is so neat. all i do is write some spew and that is it. i could fucking get used to this shit.

stalker's everywhere (my first real work)

memories (of a lifetime)

dear making weird noises while sleeping diary,

i am not sure if i should ever admit this and that is why i am writing it down, but this morning while i was sleeping i really was a clown. i woke myself up doing things i have never done before, making little faces and noises- strange even to a whore. i let myself finish- i didn't dare interrupt, and i went right back to sleep again- it barely woke me up. i was explaining in my dream, to someone- im not sure- what my baby used to do when he saw things that scared him. he would pucker up his face and start hyperventilatin. everyone thought it was so funny, and i did too, he would clammer up his fists and shake them at you. looking back now im thinking that was prolly abuse, grocery carting him by that ghost at kroger just to watch him over and over. his reaction never changed tho- it was so funny- he finally got scared of kroger. when halloween was over in 1995, i was sad as shit, then we got tickets for barney- and the fucker had a fit.

lotsa thangs happened in february (remember)

dear damn the last day of the month again diary,

the thirty one day months are long as a bitch usually, oh but not this one. hail naw. this month flew. my nails did nothing but grow. it was a fantastic month too. i had a blast. i am so happy with the way things are going. my buddy in new york is pleased, well i dunno if pleased is the right word, but he is not upset. ive avoided getting sick twice. set milestones at work lately- doing things i'd never ever thought possible, reaching across the party lines shining my light into the darkest of corners and reaping the most handsome rewards. my son- graduating near the top of his class- honor roll last semester- high honor roll last quarter- starting eastern in the fall- full scholarship- rocking ass girlfriend who already goes to eastern- it ain't even right. it ain't. it just ain't. im kinda glad it was me who had all the drama this last year, it kept everyone entertained. so now im ready to address february and all the fun anniversary dates that fall in this fun short month. oooh its gunna be fun.

lovers getting gas for the van

dear gold star diary,

blue stars, white stars, green stars, and red. nobody tries to come in second. or do they? my friend saw the city employee at casey's on mound road last monday with another man. it was around six at night she said and they both looked like hell. i feel really bad inside and i cant stop this until its all over and even then im not sure it will be done. it depends on who ends it. if  it gets ended- it will never end. if it is ended the way it should be ended, it will end that day. i have a coloring book. ima color all the stars in it green.

bailing

dear transport chaos diary,

five minutes before the storm hit, something very serious happened. the warning was issued, but i must have missed it. the sky turned gray, the plants turned downward, and i noticed the change on my own. you could see the green tint take over his eyes. i never made it to the door before the words came flying out of his mouth like water from a broken pipe. i could have gone the rest of my life without ever hearing those words. i can not learn anymore. not here anyway. time ticks on. like screws in concrete. slow. hard. i hate the clock. tickity. i cant wait to drive through the intersection. i will not pull over. i am not here to save lives, not even my own. it is time. i will make a break for it. now.

reading the morning ads (slapping the dog)

dear i like to slap my dog diary,

sometimes i like to slap her in the chest. she seems to like it too. she lets me, so i dunno. i wish there was an all you could eat fruit buffet around here. i would eat there now. yep. id be in the car going. after i washed my hair- i would. my hair is nasty. yuck. i don't know why i let it get this way either. eww. i usedta never be such a scumbag. i don't deserve hair. but you know something, since i quit overwashing my hair, its so much healthier. so i dunno about that either. i don't even wanta know. so that adventurous looking fella from california looking for someone here is gunna be sad when he gets to the bikini tree. and when he sees the selection of gals waitin for him here. that dog he has is fine as shit tho- id cuddle with that shiny beast anyday. it would prolly be best if he brought back someone with him cuz the chics here are dumb. im just sayin. but maybe he can go up to wisconsin and drag one down here or something. there's always mail order. i hope he stays out of the bars tho- whew. BEWARE. try kroger.. stay out of walmart- it's as bad (or worse) as the bars. well i gotta keep my dog awake. we gotta get her days back straight. and i have to wash my hair.  

whiteout



ain't that a shame





trying this but i mite detete it due to the high quality

not much to live up to (bang bang on the heater pipe)

dear talking to daddy diary,

dad just called. said the heater is working better. the part he got last monday that coulda put me in jail (lol) fixed the furnace, but he had to add water to it today for the first time- it was, "clanking and banging down there," he said this morning. i told him it didn't fix it then. if you went down and looked at the unit- it looks brand new. its a funny way to heat that house, but what do i know. he is so worried about my brother. i hate my brother. i guess that is a strong statement. i don't hate him, i hate who he has become. dad told me today that he called my brother and has been calling his cellphone number for over a year now and he wont answer- and the other day he happened to call and my little nephew answered. dad talked to little brandon for over an hour. why would little brandon have his fathers cellphone? dad said he never even thought to ask. yup, my brother is a drunk. i cant do much about it now- and what could i do even if i could? but about nothing. five children- four different women, all from the ages of eighteen to zero. i know two, met the oldest, don't know the two newest. all these years i have carried the burden of not turning out to be something spectacular. i realized hearing daddy share his pain of his son, he might be the only one proud of me.

do or die (aint no lie)

dear plain jane diary,

i went to bed and laid down my greasy head, ima  wash it later today. then i got sad and i got up and came in here again to be with you, and to shed just one hundred tears not two. i remember this time when i was depressed and didn't clean my house- for a long time i just said fuck it and avoided it- i didn't even care. i didn't dust or vacuum or pick shit up- i did dishes now and then. a load of laundry to get me by- im telling you i did not want to be here. this friend of mine came here- truly- against my will- and cleaned everything up. it was really quite embarrassing but it really meant allot. i think that was the most meaningful thing that friend ever did for me. then the papers came and that is a shame cuz i don't think i was done with him. but i am now, i guess so wow, i don't think anyone will ever understand him. good luck to those who try, he is a very nice guy, but he will lie right through that fake tooth. but he cleans a good house and can unbutton a blouse- like his life fucking depended on it.

last one to the sheets (is a rotten green bean)

dear i forgot to report on the turkey diary,

turkey at midnight is awesome, on the count that you are going to bed anymfway. ok? so the triptafan or whatever in turkey that makes you tired (that's in red meat and cherrios and everything else) can go ahead and do its thing. but the real star of the show tonight was the pot of green beans. cant go wrong with a green bean. noted. you got rabbit teeth- eat lettuce. so the grump is throwing his nightly fit. he needs a gawd dang bath. he knows it is time to get between the sheets so now he shows his teeth. he's not sick anymore so he can sleep in his crib, and that will sure be nice, i cant take him on my feet tonight. he never wanted to sleep with me until becky moved in, and now if he can't jump up on the bed he act like it is a sin. i love him but he is a pain in the ass. but he is a very good boy. and i love him.

not mean...

retake

dear stepping out of my own slippers diary,

i wish i could find someone just like me. to be my friend. to be able to trust. it would not be hard to instantly trust someone like me. i know how genuine my intentions are, i know the lessons i have learned, i know the mountains i have climbed and i think that is what makes me such a cool person. i am so easy to fuck. people do it all the time. i hate people now. i know that sounds weird because i am so friendly and happy so much of the time. its all a cover. i hate people. nothing personal. as long as you're a stranger to me- i'll like you. and if you're already in my life, i love you. but if you're knocking at my door trying to get in- i have to hate you. it is what it is. everyone is the audience, and you should always be nice to your audience, but the audience shouldn't follow you home. you have to watch out for that. i got the big talk down already.