clam shells & blue oysters

dear snowstick diary,

if i had a dick and it snowed- i would measure the snow with my hard dick. i would. so like me and my lover and all my former lovers would always gauge the amount of snowfall according to my dick. a dick would come in handy. you could use it to plug a bucket. you could use one to mark a page in a book. you sure cant use a vagina for that. i like my vagina tho. its nice and tidy tucked up inside- it ain't one that hangs all out. i have seen those kind. it ain't all gray or brown lookin either- it's kinda pink yet. i ain't sure how old you get when the color starts changin over. i've seen that too. i usually keep it pretty trimmed up- but it's out of control right now. it's the bathtub. when i took showers- i was on that shit- now- not so much. and really- business ain't been really busy lately- so- i gave the hedge cutters a break. several soldiers left their post and went home- and took my good cutters by accident- leaving me with the old dull cutter- which i finally replaced today. i never realized the almighty power of the fierce new edge of a razor. the hair i sliced off my legs came off like strings of seaweed. i'll carve the runway from the forest out later. at the end of the day- zippin up hair in front of a client sucks.

biting for fun

dear lip chewing diary,

i love chewing on a fat bottom lip. i haven't had one in a while. it's what gives my the drive to push forward in life- a reason to use up my real smiles. mmm to lay my lips on a fat mouth and suck til my heart is content- to tug on that lip so gently as my tongue goes wild with no distress. kissing is one of my favorite activities on earth, there is practically nothing that i enjoy more,  it is my favorite part most certainly about being a whore. i think in actuality- it is how i earned my name- because if i wouldn't have kissed that big hero that first time- ida never known how to play the whore game. PLUS- ida never remembered how much i loved to kiss- because i hadn't done it in so long- it ain't high on my list. i stopped kidding myself along time ago- i quit being sad about it too- until i got a taste again- and now it is unfortunate i know. but since i am a whore now it's cool cause i can solicit for some lip and get paid this time. wow.

waY of life

dear quality control diary,

let me assure you, i serve up the finest product i possibly can. but it all depends on the customer i have waitin. ima make the dish look nice if you're there to shop. if you're just there to eat and run- fast food is what you'll get. i kinda like a good salad bar sometimes or an all you can eat buffet. my new price list is a popular post- and i think my rates are extremely fair- with the economy like it is these days- lowering them- i wouldn't dare. i have the bestest job ever- and i don't mind the shame it brings- i am not scared to admit what i do- cuz i still don't do anything.

dude looks like my OBGYN

dear riders on the foam diary,

if i had it all to do over again, i would wear a sweater today. it is cold out. the grump ate the smaller end off his big black kong. then he puked it up on the back stairs. was i surprised? fuck no. so then i stopped and got food food on the way home at ruby tuesday's (i only got a drink and peed at mcdonalds) and my friend rich was working and they got a new little dude that started and everyone has made comments about him today i guess- including me. my little comments made the manager and rich RUN into the back and cry. i wasn't even trying to be funny- and didn't expect them to run off like they did- but whatever. when they came back out rich grabbed my hand and placed it on his head, "feel my head girl," it was sweaty wet. eww. fuck i touched it. i touched his head. i just washed my hands and everything. fuck. then the manager and rich walked me out- laughing- it really wasn't THAT funny- and i said, "go get little dude and have him snap a rubber glove- it'd be like deja-vu for me.."

silence may be golden or it might be green too

dear pulling in to go pee diary,

feeling that urge- i could wait no longer. mcdonalds is good for something. then i decided i was thirsty. i got to the counter and an older man started talking to me. "you know that mike is an asshole. if you notice, he ain't around no more." i recognized the man- knew exactly what he was talking about- but i couldn't place him- i got that face recognition disorder- i gotta have sex with you A LOT- or i wont remember you. i paid for the man's ice cream cone- out of guilt- and we continued to talk at his table. "i admire you and have for some time," he said, "and i don't even know your name," he said. i laughed and asked, "why's that?"
"well, there's several reason's, but the biggest one is your mouth and the way you use it," he said with a certain hesitation, "and the way you stick up for everybody- not just for who you like. but..." and he paused and had a concerned look, "but you need to learn to shut up and i mean that in a nice way."
"oh i know exactly what you mean," i explained, "but i cant shut up, because i'll speak up for what i feel is right everytime- for you- for him- for them- for anyone- because i hope that the one time i may need someone to speak up for me- when it's right- that ONE time- someone will," i pleaded for him to understand.
"honey, that is why i so admire you, but you must understand, i was just like you- but nobody will come to speak up for you- even when you are right as right can be. it is best to speak only for yourself- it is the way our world has come to be. a harsh lesson- for you and for me. silence can be golden. it was something it took my whole life to learn," his eyes told me his story, every word was true. on the way home i kept remembering shaking his hand before i left, he told me his name was james and i introduced myself as trixie. i am sure will speak again very soon- but his lesson still rings in my head- but i am afraid there wont be much silence from me- until i am dead.

HEY MOMMY CUNTFACE

dear cuntface diary,

hey girly what's up? still hurtin? for certain. me too. i cant get over how incredibly bad i feel for you. at times- i sorta feel like a bully- talking to you and about you like i do- but then i read the fifty one pages of court transcript that you alone testified in aggravation against me- saying the stupidest things about me- and my son- and then i don't feel so much of a bully anymore. i also remember you chasing me around in walmart last november and stalking me a year ago and making me so uncomfortable and laughing at me in public with your daughter- who threw her arms up at disgust at you and walked off. i cant help but wonder if you made it to the library to read the march 9, 2008 paper on microfilm and the happy ad i put in the paper to your husband containing YOUR name- like i told you to in court- or tried to until you stormed out. i think it's really unfair how i had to sit and listen to you- but you got up and left during MY testimony. stupid bitch. and to accuse me of STICKING MY TONGUE OUT AT YOU WHILE YOU WERE ON THE STAND- simply brilliant. my lips were dry you psycho cunt. your husband LOVES it when i lick my lips at him. it's a habit. anyway- just checking in. love you.

the eagle has landed

dear my bad ass hair diary,

i get it now. you brush it and that's it. but ain't that what i've always done? yup. only i can get away with it now- without looking like scum. fuck me who knew. and now the shit is just gunna grow and grow. i wanted to get it long again. it's already halfway down my back- but i want it longer- to my waist again. it never seems to get long enough- even when someone says, "omg your hair is so long," it doesn't seem that long to me. all i know is- i'll never have it crayon short. there's only one place on the body that is meant for short hair. and that is on the face of my cunt. SHOUT OUT CUNTFACE. you really didnt think i was gunna let an opportunity slip by did you? oh fuck no- y'all should know me better than THAT by now- let us pretend anyway. it is almost time for me to pick up destiny at the airport. i must run through the bank first. it'll be the big bank i must hit too- ain't that precious. i have no dollars (except about 2o small ones) and i need big ones today. the unibomber has his own fundage- and never shares- but that's fine- cuz i don't share mine. i will make my quick stop- and go from there. i know she wont be late- her plane has already arrived. i will now brush my teeth and assume the necessary positions.

the commitment

dear ten days diary,

ten days on the road and i'm gonna be a whore tonight. oh man. that'll be fun. and i need the money. who wouldn't. gas up almost four bucks a gallon and shit. polish eight fifty a bottle. i almost bought them genie bra's on the tv last night. damn them things looked comfortable- with no underwires too- i could wear them in jail. but i still got my jail bra sittin right here by my front door waitin. i dare that hero bitch to send the cops for me. COME ON CUNTFACE- i got lawyer money now. one of these here days when them tables topsy turnie- ima laugh my twat off. even the unibomber laughs about the shit now- that's how dumb it is- and this is an uptight ANAL mother fucker who laughs at NOTHING. he fucked a fat girl once so he cant say shit. she was nice tho- i liked her. then after that he fucked the GAWD AWFUL UGLIEST GIRL YOU EVER SAW EVER IN YOUR LIFE EVER- (and i do mean ever) but she had a smokin body (but she don't now LOL) she looked like HERMAN MUNSTER- she was so nasty- BAR SLUT- omfg- so he really cant say shit. he really cant. and he doesn't anymore- i think it's because he knows. he knows i was for real and he's lucky the hero was just a playboy. we'll have to see how this turns out. i'm just glad it's pretty much done. i'll earn my forty one bucks to finish payin off my fine- and do the rest of my time. lol

can do the human pretzel (with help)

dear ten little jewels of mine diary,

my fingernails turned out like little blister bubbles of shiny paint on the end of my fingers- they each look like lil jewels. fuck me if each one ain't perfect- just the way i like them. you can see a reflection in each one. flawless. they all have that perfect edge. maybe by next weekend they will be long enough for what i need them to be. man, i sure do hope. if ida known what i know now- ida waited to file the bitches down- but what is done is done- and i done it- so i cant be mad at anyone but myself and even if i had to bust up in there with these perfect little fuckers- i'd still blow them fucktards out of their chairs- and that's just keepin it one hundred. the whole fucking world will come to a halt when my ass walks through them doors. i am not lyin. they will take one good ass hard look at me, read MY paperwork and be like, "WHERE IN THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN TRIXIE WEST?" i don't want to sound overconfident- but i already know. i am not scared this time. hopefully they wont be either. HAHAHA.

picking destiny up at the airport

dear early to rise but not looking for a worm diary,

there are many reasons to wake up early- none of which i am proud to report are why i am up today. some excuses are better than others- but the one i have come up with today leave so much to be desired. so much in fact, it leaves everything- because i have nothing to offer up. i am simply awake- not even looking for a worm or a bird or nothin. zilcho. i have heartburn- from that damned pizza- but it ain't bad- cuz i didn't go apeshit. i knew one piece wouldn't induce torture- but i can still feel it. i started the dryer. i'll have clean jeans for my date this morning. i have plans with destiny. i've known destiny for about- mmm- i'd say prolly ten years now. actually it's been about fifteen- but we've only been intimate for ten. i've known her crazy assed husband longer- but not by much. he is something. it took a long time for me to get used to him. i don't wanna say i didn't like him way back then- but we had our differences. ok-i didn't like him. AT ALL. then he fucked my face and the ice was forever broken.

dreamland

dear area fifty one diary,

for all i know area fifty one is very active and alive with the promise of alien activity. i have always been drawn to the secrets that area fifty one holds- even so far as wanting to sneak there and snoop around- but i never went. it ain't to far from vegas- but what would i do when i get there? i already know about the aliens- but telling others- that is an awful chore and not one i wanna be in charge of. look what everyone is saying about sammy hagar. i cant even write about it myself without laughing- and i am a believer. poor sammy. poor me. fifty one is nothing but fifteen backwards- in my book that is what it is- but i have seen the faces of the aliens- and their offspring kids. you need not fear these creatures- or others who've seen them like me- if you open your mind up- you will in fact see what we can see. 

yours and mine

dear split the sky diary,

there is a sharp contrast between parting and splitting- it would seem the more you think about the two words- the more of a contrast is formed. when parting something- you would tend to simply separate one thing making it two things and when you split something- that insinuates a force- some power it has taken to break off a piece from the whole- and you don't even know if it's equal  or not- but when it's next to that other word 'parting,' you assume that it is-but when you say it alone- 'splitting,' is it? if a gigantic meteorite fell and split your head like a melon- would it split evenly? it would certainly part your hair.

the PRICE LI$T

NEW PRICE LIST

FLIRTING  NO CHARGE

KISSING $39.95 (PER HOUR)

PETTING UPSTAIRS $15.95 (PER HOUR)

PETTING DOWNSTAIRS $25.95 (PER HOUR)

KISSING COMBO $75.00 (SAVE 6.85)

(offer not availaible in some areas. residents in IL, IN, CA, KY, MI, UT, NC, SC, OH, VA, MA, WY, CT, NY, WV, TN, MO, TX, NM, AZ, NV, must add 41%sales tax) reasonable dental fees may apply if client has dirty mouth or is very fucking ugly.

whore seeks new client

dear now i have done it diary,

i am so glad the crunchy things on top of my head are gone. i don't know what that shit was. eww. prolly becky crumbs. my hair smells really good and feels like a dream since my little procedure i had done today. i have the barbie doll hair. it feels good when you touch it- or when i touch it for you- i would let you touch it- for a small fee. for a bigger fee- i would let you rub it- and for a morerate fee- you could rub against it- and for a large fee- you could shoot wads of bodily fluid into it for as long as you wanted- provided i could wear eye cover and ear plugs. we could even work on a layaway fee schedule to accommodate you- if you couldn't pay all at once- or if you refer a friend- i have a special reward program- and ask about my frequent flyer smiles. i have a waiver i ask all my married clients to sign- and a special waiver iffin you have pictures already posted online of your penis (big or small- i suck them all) and a contract iffin you want a long term standing appointment with me- cuz i like servicing just one client at a time- i find i can more focus on their needs and desires on a more personal and bizarre level- i would recommend you have my contract viewed by an independent lawyer- because i will not find myself in another bogus order of protection again UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE- without even so much as a TIME LINE SET BY THE COURT SYSTEM AS TO TELL ME WHEN THE FUCKING THING WILL END. bravo... but i will suck a mean dick.. WONT I?

lead the way

dear the colors never change diary,

lined up on my shelf perfectly, it is hard to decide exactly which bottle to choose- which one is the color i want to paint my nails this time? which will best reflect my coming mood? it is hard to predict how i will feel tomorrow- or how i will feel in an hour. my mood doesn't change that often- that isn't what i mean- it's just hard to know how i will react when people around me can be so mean. i am really glad i was born when i was because i would have missed out on so much- the times have changed into faster form and now that i am all grown up- i can appreciate what i had as a child and the serenity of my youth- and choosing out a color for my nails brings back the simpleness of a flavorless task- and what seems so meaningless to others- brings such peace to my inner soul that truly does seem to last. until it is time to paint them again- and pick a new color out- then i go through it all over again and still- they will be red.

pizza cake and icecream

dear sick of that shit too diary,

three glasses in the dishwasher- i'm done. fuck that shit- they are the only dishes i have used since tuesday- so huh- that's my share. SAY SOMETHING. i just ordered a fucking pizza. who is the smart one now? fucking not me. i'll be up all night long with a pound of cheese on my gut. the unibomber has a headache- so that's a barrel of fun for everyone. i got a hollow point with his name 'unibomber' etched on it. i got a flathead too- but i'm saving that one for myself. destiny's birthday is tomorrow. i'm excited. the city employee/hero and cuntface starts it all off for us- then it's off to the races. destiny and dks's are next, then the unibomber, then trish, then cristin, then stacie, then garderman, then tori, then me, then brian, then breana, then prince william, then tawyna, then what's her name's' daughter, then roy (lol), then chip and the goat, then prince harry, then keebler, then my mom, then my 2nd ex-husband, then my dad, then toya, then christmas, then the grandmas and spooky kitty, then rosa. whew. what a party. that's a bunch of fucking cake.

nuts for nuts

dear sometimes i get sappy and flappy diary,

i know cuz sometimes i get bored to death. i could go back to bed and i just got up. i feel like a peanut buster parfait about now, but it's cuz of the sweet/salt combo. i fucking hate almonds. i caught my sexy hair cutter today munching on one. i really think almonds taste nasty myself. i like walnuts and pecans and cashews and peanuts and pistachios and macadamias. but almonds are different- they are even funny in shape. nuts really fascinate me. they seem like little mistakes that turned into little nuggets of tasty mouth gold. nuts are a great thing- for me anyway- i think i love them as much as beef and cheese. i wish i had a huge jar of them now- mmm pass me some please.

moppin' it up

dear awake i think diary,

almost a five hour nap. hail to the yes. that is what i like best. round the third hour is when i start getting any rest. the dream i had just now- was more special than most- i got to give my mother a big ole hug- and she wasn't a ghost. she was alive as she could be- playing with my kids- they were babies. she was happy and well- not even sick that i could tell- that smile across her face is one nothing or no one could replace. people wonder why i don't want to wake up- well- there you go people wtf. i miss my mother and have most of my life- meeting my bio mom just twisted that knife- and made me miss the woman who raised me as her own- more that i ever did- more than i could have ever known. but the grump woke me up snoring like he usually does- so now i am awake again- i think.

the topless bus

dear you kill me diary,

but i am not dead. why is that. oh i need a nap. i dare say. what an exhausting round of stawking. three fold times two minus one- and that's just since noon thirty. whew. seven point five hours of daylight left and the real fun begins. damner. now you know someone been had their nap by then- for certain. pull the curtain. i ain't flirtin. rosa got home yesterday- rode the greyhound all the way- the top flew off the bus and boy did rosa have a fuss. now she wants to sue- she called them and got through- she got a free round trip ticket to anywhere she wants to go- i couldn't sit on a bus that long YO- but it's a start they dun admited fault- now off to court- i'd say it's a start. i am really thinking about that nap- oh that bed- man it is calling me bad- i may have to snap. nawl- i wont snap- i will just fuck around and go- and if someone don't like it OH FUCKING WHALE.

f u c k me

dear what position do you want diary,

i want top- if you don't mind- at least for a minute. it's been a long time- it'll only take me a second. you can come with me iffin you want- i wont be mad- i'll enjoy the company. sentimental second drivel- it could be a race- but i know ima beat you- since you've already set the pace. seriously, it's a need thing for me- much more than a desire- you have what i have to have- all that i require. ready set here i come- when i am done you can go- i ain't in to cuddling up- you might as well know. thank you for consideration- i am glad you're not shy- i think there was a song written once- you're pretty fly for a white guy.

a rumble in the tub

dear noisy belly diary,

there is something making terribly loud noises inside my belly this morning and i've been trying to sit here and ignore it- but it is getting louder and i dunno- it almost sounds creepy alive like. it's unbelievably loud- in fact- i've been shocked a couple of times at how loud it was. it even woke becky up. i know it's prolly gas- but i ain't burped or farted- it's just a rumble- like a car exhaust. i wanted to go back to sleep for a bit before my appointment- but after i got my head bit off- you know- fuck all that. i guess i could go relax in the tub for a spell and see what kind of trouble i can get into there. that does sound nice.

cantaloupes and antelopes

dear for peter and paul's sake diary,

i never met peter- but i knew a paul- and he was married to a pat- and they lived across from my grandma's farm down south- they were her closest neighbor. we used to go over there and fuck with them- on the count they were the only neighbors and my brother and i would get awful bored after grandpa died and they got rid of all the livestock. i was heartbroke when the chickens were all gone- i knew when we ate the last one and i couldn't do it. i couldn't. i smelled him cooking and i knew when i walked in. it smelled better than usual. i didn't eat it. i would have gagged. i know myself. could i have eatin on that chicken now? i dunno- could go either way. prolly not tho. my dad can eat shit he watches walk around- it doesn't bother him- see- it bothers me bad. i'd be a sucky assed hunter. i'd be the one to shoot a deer and take it in for medical attention. ima dork. oh by the way- i can't eat deer meat- just sayin. puhuke- or antelope- or bison- or elk- or none of that strange shit. no penguins- no pheasants- none of them tom sawyer animals- i like chicken, beef, pork, and turkey and cornish hens- which i think are tiny chickens- but i really don't know. my aunt barb told me my aunt mary made them squirrel for breakfast once- i would have laid an egg. that would have been IT for me. are you fucking kidding. my aunt mary was a trip tho. she often made gooseberry pie.

flagship of hate

dear one thing that i hate diary,

please do not yell at me in the morning. i fucking hate that. not only do i hate that, it will cause me to hate you. don't call me a 'bitch' either. at least wait until i get up. i had to pee. your actions will have now set the tone for the entire day- but only towards you. because i still intend on having a fantastic day. i can do that. over the years- i've learned how. you taught me. i can hate the fuck out of you- and be just fine with everything else- it's all in the perception. i look at you- but i don't look at everything else the same way. do not ever worry tho- the level of hatred that i feel for you- comes nowhere close to the levels of intense hatred i feel for cuntface- let's get that straight right now- THAT IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT BREED OF HATE.

my baby sleepin

dear now i lay my ass down to sleep diary,

i pray the Lord my soul to keep. if i should die before i wake- i pray the Lord my soul to take. And please somebody lay to rest on my chest dear becky- because i cant go to my grave without her with me. i cant believe how sweet she is- loving her is effortless. here she is- just right now- but in just a few minutes she will be under my blanket.

posting of the BEAST

dear posting 666 diary,

consider this the post of the beast- marked upon the blog of the driveling whore- i repeat- six hundred and sixty six postings since january 18th- that is 66 days ago when i opened up the doors. numbers are FRICKIN weird now- i am shitting you not. but anyway- i didn't wanna over look the event- i'm glad it came and went. i am more of a 333 cuz i am really only like half evil myself- but still. 275 days til christmas, or 6600 hours- it could be our last one folks- i know i'm about as ready as i can be- i have jugs and jugs of water- and can goods plenty. i don't think it hurts to be prepared- my grandma was years ago- and things were so much different then- she would die again if she knew what we know now- back then- all of her fears are coming true. i am following her advice- doing all the things i thought were so silly- now are the cool things to do.

anal beads & mary jane seeds

dear get off me diary,

please quit whining and get off me. why do you always need to lay on me? i am not a pillow? i think he likes my pants is what it is. my whole leg looses circulation when the grump lays on it. my knee starts tingling and then my thumbs- and i have no idea why my thumbs would start up but they do and did you know that in arizona people just bust up in walgreens with their dog? straight bust right up inside the walgreens with the parrot- dog- anyfuckinthing. i saw one piss on the tampon end cap. oh but- DONT STAND OUTSIDE AND SMOKE. oh fuck to the hail no. my thumb really is asleep. i've never had this happen before. i need to soak it in that 2 hour energy drink. i got some mardi gras beads tonight- i have no clue as to what they mean. i am so dumb to shit like that. i know they have some sexual meaning- i just know they do- but who knows WHAT  i have gotten myself into. i need a new voo-doo doll- this bitch is wore out and becky ate the other two. i trimmed up my mustache tonight. it's looking gone now. i got two long hairs out of my chin too- i saved one of them- the long gold one. i think it will have powers for my next spell. i don't get gold ones very often. 

siZZLe pop

dear taking away that from that diary,

you sure wont be left with much, in my opinion, but i am glad you found what you have anyway. i am sure most everybody is these days. i could be wrong tho- who knows. who cares? i don't know why i still do. cut that in half and what remains? about a quarter of a heart of the third of heart that was there when i knew you- so wow- that much. the more i try to hold back what i feel- the more i am ashamed for everything. i can still feel your breath on my neck when we made love, i wanna burn my eyes out for remembering how i looked deeply into your soul- how i knew that you loved me. i was wrong. i've never been so wrong in my life. take away the mistake i made from that- i wouldn't know you.

cheesy nugget blowout

dear crunchy nuggets diary,

i have crunchy nuggets on my head and i can feel them when i scratch my scalp- but i ain't washing my hair. prince harry got his haircut today- i was happy for him- i get mine done in the morning. i am having my little procedure done. i am excited. each hair will be sealed on keratin and i will have luscious locks of movie star hair. http://brazilianblowout.com/ i am so excited. oh my. no more bed head for me. we're doing before and after shots because there will be such a dramatic difference. i cant wait. ima be able to keep my hair as long as i want now- i never have to cut the damage off again- because there will be no damage. we'll see. sounds to good to be true donit? well i suppose a bowl of cottage cheese and broccoli would be nice. i am hungry for some ham. wish i had more of that CAKE... mmmmm cake.

big talker happy stalker

dear captian obvious diary,

i haven't written in you for awhile. maybe it's time. it is becoming painfully more clear that either i am really really fucked up in my head about some of my fundamental CORE ideas- or people out there in the world are living in a dreamworld much different than mine- because i am accepting of the realities we all live with- and not afraid to speak about them- and to not state how i feel- would be submitting like everyone else- and i choose not to live in "la-la-land." i've seen our justice system WORK AND FAIL first hand- it is a miserable joke- i've seen the favoritism white people get over blacks- white men get over women- boys over girls. i've seen the difference in attitudes from men AND WOMEN when i have my make-up on and when i don't- and i hate it. i don't need eyeliner on to be pretty- i should be treated the same when i am ugly as when i am not so ugly. dye your hair blue, miss sue- go to church dumb lady at the end of my table- do whatever society tells you to do- whatever it is that you are able. sit back and follow along- but in the end if you need some assistance- i will stick up for you. ima be the one voice to stand for what i believe is right. i don't ever mean for my words to cause a fight. but when i give an inch to people and they take a mile- it doesn't matter if you are white or black- you ain't gettin a smile.

naked is best

dear i'm not a diary diary,

i should be in the bath by now, but i'm not. my teeth are brushed already, so that is something. i should be getting ready to get in the bath AT LEAST, but i'm not. at all. i'm sittin here with my feet up watching the muted tv- wondering why i should even take a bath, but i am. i will. i am. i will. i have to. i am. but i don't wanna. i'm happy in my pajamas. i am. so happy. in them. but i look stupid. so i will comply with the standards society has set forth and bathe myself and dress myself and apply face paint and hair gel and perfume and bring forth unto the world an appearance of readiness- which i will quickly strip away the moment i run back into the safety of my own home. i fucking hate the standards people set so high for us to all conform to. bitches. i don't wanna get dressed anymore just to leave the house.

port passed

dear twist and turn diary,

along every path of travel- we've got left choices and right choices alike- but going down the straight and narrow won't require much luck. you won't have much fun if you never break the rules- but you wont get in much trouble either- always doing what's right. i am all about taking trips and seeing new parts of our land- and running my freshly painted toes through the hot sultry sand, but if at every twist and turn- at every glimpse of your hand- i see something that disturbs me indescribably- it's the face of that other man.

anywhere the wind blows

dear definitely awake diary,

i don't wanta be up. ima sleep late kid. but the programming choices in my head were not favorable this morning and i couldn't find the remote to change the channels- so here i am- doing you instead. i ain't complaining like some people might tho, i love doing you. because when i come back and read this shit later- it blows me away- cuz i'll remember thinking the exact same shit that i've written and be like "whoa, what a trip- that is bone ass accurate," and then i'll laugh and read the next one and be like, " i remember dreaming that shit.. that turned out to be a good ass day." whatever comes into my mind is what i write down- usually. i don't sit around and think about things to put here- if that's what you're wondering. i look around the room and something will pop in my head real fast and POOF it goes right down my arms to my fingers and on to the page up there and presto- it's all yours. i don't really have many thoughts of my own anymore. i figure fuck it- i don't need them. i don't even want them. secrets are stupid. i cant keep them anyway. not anymfmore.

NOT hot for teacher

dear i don't want you to be my teacher diary,

i usually always enjoy dreaming. i do. i like to see my family and people i haven't seen for many years and practice situations and how i would handle them- and basically just live an alternate life- one i don't getta live when i am awake. sometimes, my dreams are seemingly so real- i ain't sure if i dreamed them or lived them. but this morning, just a minute ago, i woke myself up talking, begging for this dream to be a dream, and thankfully it was. i had signed up for a class at the community college- and i was so happy to be doing something again. my first day of class came, an evening class. and i went, and the city employee was the teacher. i was crushed. i knew it was illegal for me to be in the room with him- yet he told me i could stay. i feared it was a set up and left. i was so angry- i wanted my money back. all of it. i explained to anyone who would listen- how much i had learned already from that teacher- and i wasn't gunna pay and sign up to learn anymore- because he already made me a whore.

forensic universe of dark matter

dear expansion of the universe diary,

there is a possibility that we don't understand gravity. there is a dark energy that makes up a bunch of energy that we don't know about. there is dark matter too. all i know is broccoli gets stuck in my teeth worse than popcorn. but i love to eat it. it doesn't make a difference what time it is either. what if there is another earth like planet out there? do you think there is another whore like me? i would fucking die. i would. i can see her sitting at her laptop- pecking away- serving her conditional discharge for a stupid petty crime she didn't commit in the parking lot of the municipal building. "i love you take me back?" is NOT something a whore yells to her lowest paying customer. just sayin- even a justice system in a parallel universe would have seen THAT. i bet there are no other dogs like becky. there are prolly a bunch like the grump. he has autism- and that is genetic. i'd imagine even on other planets autism exists. they just might not be advanced enough to know it yet.

mix it up

dear radical diary,

how far away is the future? it depends of where you want to book your trip i suppose. i'm thinking later today is far enough for me. i have plans. i plan to rise and shine- get to work on time. my thursdays are special to me. i like them. i figured something out while i was working earlier when my mind started thinking about other things that didn't have anything to do with what i was doing at the time. which is really unusual because my mind usually stays focused at all times and you guys know that- i mean- generally i stay on topic- never drifting away hardly ever. but anyway, march 5th and february 6th and march 22nd, have all been really great days at work work for me. so since those days have been so kick ass then june 6th coming ought to be the best day ever. i dunno if that is a regularly scheduled day- but i'll go in. once you figure out a message- you don't want to miss the calling. i'm dumb- but i ain't a dumbass. i feel like a chicken wing- or dairy queen. i dunno. maybe both.

workman's comp

dear working or hardly working diary,

i got SO much done tonite. i wish i could say i am almost done, but i cant. there is a bunch i have left to do yet. taking chunks out of things is what i seem to be good at. i wish i could polish something off in one sitting. maybe in my next life. i'll get on top of this- i'll ride it like a whore. i'll finish my project very soon- i will- and then i will get more. it is prolly a good thing i have things like this to keep me busy or i would be a hot ass mess. things would more fun if i would wear a dress. i prolly would wear a dress if iffin i found one i liked, but without a pair of jeans and boots on- i just don't feel right. oh sometimes i put heels on, but i still wear jeans. i love wearing cutoffs too- with boots of course- duh. i wear boots and pajamas too- i think that is really sexy. even if i had a million dollars i would continue to do this- so- i dunno- you can keep makin fun of me- it wont change a thing. i am pretty set in my ways- or so i have been told. but trying new things and doing this new job i have- ain't never gunna get old. i know eventually they'll grow tired of the work that i submit, but 914 will have to FIRE me because i will never quit. as long as he sends me the packet of shit to complete- you bet your sweet ass i'll send in something that is unique, something that meets and exceeds the criteria requested- something i feel proud to release. i'm ahead of schedule now- at least i think i am. sometimes you never know tho.  

gifted or nuts

dear what is a bizarre thought diary,

you are telling me then that if you are fucked up in your head that you're done? that's it for you? i mean- weren't there a bunch of talented painters and artists that were fucking nuts? you gotta be skewed in one way or another to be gifted. savants are, so why not artists? humm, now that is a thought. when you think about it- it's a mastermind plan- being crazy. it would be a relief to know the world didn't depend on you. how often do you have to be crazy to qualify? hourly? there is no place like home- even when you have no place to call home. i remember a time when i didn't have a home- but i didn't feel crazy- we just fucked in the car. tonight is a fun nite. i should have got two cakes. we ate that whole cake already. now that is crazy.

PlaY of the DaY

dear this one was a good one diary,

the play of the day must go to the WeAtHeR!! i love it! please don't pay me back with some bullshit on mine. i imagine everyone going to work today- starting their day fresh. the sun was shining nice and pretty- it was a beautiful start. then lunchtime came- it was still so nice out- i imagine some people went out to check their cars for urination or flowers or license plate frame damage- i was watching maria make the meatloaf with the windows open. then i can imagine by the time all the vaginas were leaving work- and the leather skin of the birthday cuntface hit the air- the twenty degree drop had to be a welcome shock- the cold natured bitch should feel right at home- celebrating her magical day. i wish to God i had more papers to serve her again this year- but she knows better than to pull anything else out of her sleeve. everything she worked so hard to achieve against me- would blow up in her face. i feel safe. Karma has promised to make it right- until then i just getta run my fingers. it's so hard to sit back and wait tho when all of the fun thoughts do is LINGER duh... it would sure be nice if she would stalk me again- i would have that bitch arrested. i have money now and i will spend it- it would be nothing but an investment. i sure hope she's having a great birthday- 46 WAS my favorite number. it still is- but for 366 days (leap year) i have to let the cuntface borrow it.

in love again...

dear i didn't but i should have diary,

i should have got up at five and ran in here and told you how damned fine my nap was. but i didn't. it was funny too, cuz i walked by the room again and becky cocked her head as if to ask me, "ain't you coming back momma?" i told her i wasn't and she got up and came in the living room and snuggled next to me on the couch. i fucking love her. nobody understands how much and i don't think i want them to- not around here anyways- they'd be crushed- crushed because i sure in the fuck don't love them like that. i could cry thinking about how much i love her- in fact, here the tears come now- and the lump in my throat- what's this all about? all the love i know goes away. becky wont leave me. and nobody can take her, but sometimes if it wasn't for her and you guys- my blog- LMAO- i would be all alone- till further notice.

the dark(er) side

dear moving the plants back in diary,

now i am moving all the plants back in. cept the cactus and the little cactus. they can stay out because you know it gets very freezing cold in the desert and shit still lives there. i picked out all the dead leaves today from my mums. i'm going to have a delicious growing season. i can NOT wait. i started my old friend the goat, SHOUT OUT TO THE GOAT, a jade tree- and that sucker grew large and in charge this winter. now that we aren't friends like we were- i have two jade trees. he told me that i live on the "dark side" and that he's been watching me for a long time and doesn't wanna have anything to do with me anymore. at first i was shocked, then i got bitter, and now i just look at it like this. it took the dude TEN years to decide i wasn't good enough- and we never even kissed OR had sex- (thank God) so what am i snivelin about- he is way older than me- and bald and eats fish- doesn't smoke pot- and is a republican. eww. plus he dresses like a cowboy and has dead animals hanging on his wall. i shouldn't have to say anymore. but he had such beautiful teeth. anyway, i love my new little jade tree. i will always keep it growing here in the dark side.

platex nurser

dear that is my hair diary,

look, i dunno why people do what they do, but can someone explain this?

time off

dear nap inventor- i love you diary,

whoever deemed naps an important part of life is a person that i so admire. they are a spectacular achievement and something that i think everyone ought to dedicate a large percentage of their day to. if everyone took a two to four hour nap a day- then so many more people would have jobs to fill the places of people who were napping. wow- and those who needed to sleep in. like i couldn't go to work before noon- and then at 2PM i'd need at least a two hour nap- so there you go. that right there would be almost a whole other position ON TOP of my job. so by hiring me- you'd be helping someone else find a job. that's why i am so cool tho. i let the people who really want to work- have those jobs. i figure- i'll just work at my other jobs. other people don't need my help. they are doing just fine without me. i need the extra time to sleep anyways. i worked on my project for awhile earlier- bored me to tears. i had to read it. again. tough job. well, it is time for another nap. cant have to many of those.

mexican blowout

dear Jesus thank you for maria diary,

maria is here and she is cleaning the kitchen now and making meatloaf for lunch/dinner. bless her mexican soul. i was getting ready to call immigration and let them know she was needing a ride home- but i guess i will suspend that thought. FOR THE TIME BEING. i'm just kidding- she is fully naturalized... i think. fuck i don't know. i never even axt. her old man gets good weed tho- i do know that- but that was when i smoked weed- i don't even know about that anymore- i quit axin about that too. i am just way out of the loop these days. so i feel like scalloped corn. she dunno how to make that. i try to teach her- she don't want to learn. i have no patience. i just go in my bedroom with a stick of butter and a pack of the ritz crackers and come out and stick it in the oven- she wont even know. fuck her anyway- it's my oven. if she would have been here yesterday- she wouldn't know i feel like scalloped corn today. now my head is itching but i am not washing my hair until friday at 11AM. then after that i wont wash it until next wednedsay again. then after next wednessday i can wash my hair whenever i want after that, but the procedure i am having done friday- i will not wash my hair afterwards until wednesday. nor will i pull it back- or clip it- or pony tail it. so that will be fun. i'll bet it's good and nasty on tuesday. eww. well. had i better invent that corn dish or do without because maria ain't gunna shit it out of her ass and i can smell the bread crumbs. she does hers much different that i. mexican people cook food (even meatloaf) in a mexican fashion.

WOOF WOLF

dear turning the tables over but not upside down diary,

when you drive by my house it is funny. becky loves to lay in the back yard. it seems to me she is a yard dog. if there was a bed in the back yard- i do believe this is a dog that would be in Heaven. i saw her sniffing around the dog house the other day- but she will NOT go inside it. my long way grandpa started making it  for susie- but then grandpa died- then susie ran away. it sucked. my grandpa loved the shittin shit out of susie. he loved me too. i sure did love him. he was my first mad crush. i wore bibs like his and chewed straw like him- i was his girl. he let me feed the cows and chickens and i always got to ride on his shoulders. my other grandpa- my mom's dad- he finished the dog house for susie and we brought her up here. my mom didn't like 'dogs in the house,' so susie stayed outside and in the garage, but she was used to the farm. i think she missed grandpa and the cows more than anything because she would wander off and then come right home- but one day- she never came back. i walked all over the neighborhood looking for her- calling for her- walked down to stevens creek. my brother said the black panther got her- oh my God my brother sucked. we put up fliers at tolley's- and on light pole's- i cried for weeks. every dog was susie- for years- and i mean even into my twenties. but i drag that doghouse with me- to every house i live. it has had three new roofs on it- and i always paint it. that sucker weighs about prolly 350 pounds AT LEAST- you pretty much have to roll it- picking it up is a BEAST. but since both my grandpas built it- with all their love and care- for all my dogs to live in- and keep warm in because it's there for that purpose and to look nice- i would never get rid of it- i wouldn't even think twice.

irene goodnight

dear hay is for horses y'all diary,

i gave my daddy his johnny cash CD back and i already miss it with all my heart. goodnight irene is the best song ever. fuck if it ain't. i may have to go and snag it back. tell me why a man has 800 CDs and no CD player? to loan them to his daughter- i'd bet. oh my goodness- i almost went with gabrielle giffords husband mark- to the moon last night. seriously, he was captain of the rocketship that was to take a whole group of us to the moon for a trip i'd signed up to take in my dream of course- and i was packed and ready to go. i went so far as to get in line and get preseated to board the rocket ship- and i started having a panic attack. i saw mark- and i asked him if i could run back to my car really fast- that i had forgotten my medicine- and he said, matter of fact-ly, that i could go get it- but that i didn't have enough time- and if i wasn't back- they would leave without me. i lied and said i knew i would make it- and walked as slow as i could out of the door. i knew all of my friends would die- and i knew they wouldn't refund my money- but i didn't care. i saw my medicine in my purse as i walked. then before i got to my car- the rocket took off above my head. everything looked beautiful. but i was glad i wasn't up there. i wanted to smoke pot down here instead and get high.

sticking with PLAN A

dear i forgot to tail you diary,

maria is a twat. i love her but she didn't want to come to clean yesterday and the house is stupid again. i found all the glasses tho- they were under the seat in the car. i been hearing things clank under there, but you know me- i'm really way to used to the clankin. so i brought them all in after i got dishwasher soap at target when i was gettin more fingernail polish remover because that's the ONLY place i get my remover at. it's the best kind there is and i hate it when they are out and tonight- they had a bunch. i had a fuck load of cash on me so i felt like i should get a few, i got four and came home- took that black shatter shit off with the best of my old- and threw all of it away. starting out fresh on some things is good. like eyeliner after an eye sty- you know that is something else. since i quit having extra marital sex (not for me cuz i ain't married) with the city worker/hero i ain't had ONE FUCKING EYE STY. i think that is weird. odd. strange. funny. neet. cool. circumstantial. irrelevant. fortunate. i have been smoking the same cigarette since about 9PM. wow. fire safe cigarettes. who knew. welp. time to split the sheets again. no mourning after pills for me. omg and now the first thunder spanks my bottom. i am just in time for the good dreams.

whose hand are those? rivet rivet

dear i know but i ain't telling diary,

yeah right. like i can keep a secret. that is bob hope's right hand print on my background of my blog page and down below is his signature above it at mann's chinese theatre- in hollywood. i have a special connection with those hand prints and i guess i can share that. i found myself walking in hollywood allot, especially down the walk of fame. i went into mann's chinese theatre where all of the stars put their hand prints- i was always a big fan of bob hope as a child. i ran over to his set of prints and there was a rivet across his ring finger. i picked the rivet up and kept in my left front pocket of my pants. i did. i looked around and there were no other rivets in any other hand prints. none. i kept it in my glove compartment of my car until i took the rivet back to california and put it right where found it ten years later. yep- took it back and gave it back to bob. i believe in giving shit back. i always think about that little rivet i never once lost.

couldn't find the rivet pic LMAO

cut that bitch up

dear balloons and knives diary,

i have everything ready for our birthday party. we are going out for a nice dinner- ima wear my new jeans- and then we will cut the cake. oh man that cake has my FAVORITE kind of icing on it. i had them put 'HAPPY 46 CRAYON' on it. i cant wait. sometimes i crack myself up. i have little yellow crayon candles and everything. nobody will bring gifts to my party- they wont have to. i already got a gift for everyone to see- and we will all unwrap it and laugh hysterically. so every chance you get today- think about CUNTFACE getting older....YAY! my nails are red- i am all ready to go. i am excited to tell you- other people's birthdays ARE BETTER BUSINESS FOR A HOE... i remember i used to always give dude a blow job so he could always go home and fuck cuntface good. but i never got any credit for any of the gifts i gave to that bitch- like i fucking should've.

reduce, reuse & recycle

dear i dunno if i would even if i could diary,

i might. it depends on how hard up i was. i am just really glad i ain't hard up now. at this age, being hard up would be a terrible place to find myself. but i do like the way my stomach looks since i had the liposuction. it's cute. it sure looks a whole lot better with my legs up in the air. i can tell it could still look a bunch better too- if i would exercise- but i'd rather just go get more sucked out- if you wanna know the truth. oh fuck tho- man that shit hurt. i just remembered that. fuck me i wanted to die. i betcha its better than gettin sliced from hip to hip. i kept my stretch marks- and i'm glad i did. one of them tummy tucks would have prolly killed me. i never had any big surgeries- so i went with the liposuction- cuz that was big enough. people die from that too. the one thing i regret is not having them shoot that fat they sucked out of my belly into my butt or boobs. that would be recycling to the exTreme, redistributing that little extra- and putin it where it should be... sounds like a plan to me. 

ring around the rosie

dear ima tell you what diary,

when you see me having a parade- don't think about pissin on it. if you need to use the bathroom then- i'll show you where one is. if you cant enjoy what i am doing then sit back and shut the fuck up. i don't mean to sound rude here- but it really sucks having you around. having you never happy about anything- having you always ride my ass- having you always putting caps on my dreams- it's pretty hard to put anything together when everything keeps falling apart at the seams. the lid is coming off this time- off for the last time- i am sorry if that doesn't sit well with you- but the jack is coming out of the box and this wish is coming out of the well.

you TOOK the keys

dear flying down the hallway diary,

if i get to that door and it is locked- what do you think ima do? i'll have no choice but to snap- it's what i am good at, but this time- ima try to do something a little different. controlling myself is unbelievably hard and not something i am so terribly familiar with. in fact, i am all but clueless on the first step as to how the correct way is to, 'un-snap,' unless it's a bra or a shirt- but i am trying to keep my mouth under wraps. with that being so explained- i love watching becky stretch. she can relax- even during emotional turmoil. i want to compartmentalize like that. what i really wish i could do is go as far as i can to the locked door- then turn around and become a vicious dog and bite whomever left it locked for me to find. i would tear the flesh from the arms who fucked me. i know i said i was good at snapping- and i am- but i ain't that good yet- someday i will be able to pick the meat off the bones- like everybody else.

day dreaming AGAIN

dear same shit diary,

nothing- and i mean nothing- drives me more crazy than somebody running around the house screaming. i get all balled up inside and it's like i want to fall apart and start killing anything that lives. i get really nervous and agitated and at times- i cant take it. it is even worse when the screamer cant find something and thinks it's my fault the item is missing. then- when the item turns up- oh yeah- give me a hatchet cuz ima chop a mother fucker UP damnit. the next dude that picks me out ain't gunna raise his voice or hand at me. nope. he's gunna look at me and politely say. "baby, woman of my dreams, best dick sucker that i have ever known EVER in my life, have you seen my helmet cushions?" mmmm and ima say, "no babe, but after you pull your pants down and gimme some of that- i'll sure help you look for the one that you cant find- i saw it yesterday."

no contact with TIM today........ (or cuntface)

dear tim diary,

how you doin? who you with? how's that make you feel? i got this new ice machine, (you're gunna just love this) and you know that dumb water drop noise you make with your mouth? well the cubes my new machine make- make that same noise AS YOUR MOUTH and it fucking drives me insane. berserk. bananas. so imagine, if you will, me, watching tv- quietly (yes quietly) and then out of the blue (or red) THAT FUCKING NOISE- and then- my heart just breaks. only for a second tho. if i didn't like the ice machine SO MUCH- ida made them come and take it back out- but ima keep it. if you are so mature and everything, why did you go around and make noises with your mouth anyway? that's just dumb. a forty seven year old man making a water drip noise from his mouth- that's pretty annoying- now that i look back- but then it was so cute? i was still smoking pot then- obviously. i'm just saying- as i remember. you don't have to read this. you don't either cuntface. but since you are... you are a bitch. you are a stupid fucking worthless ugly crybaby bitch. to fuckin bad you couldn't satisfy your mature man and none of this would have ever happened in the first place.

fly like an eagle

dear 'hush hush' gimme that brush diary,

bettter yet, BOUNCE BOUNCE GIMME THAT OUNCE. so some guy was pouring his new driveway and found a bunch of gold in his way. he's selling it. it's worth almost 200G. score! i'll bet you there are a bunch of little prizes out there waiting to be found. i have always taught my kids to look down to spot money on the ground. i'll be damned if the little shits don't find it too. prince harry found fifty bucks at the st. louis zoo. all i ever wanted was for my kids to be aware- that and for them to be kind and always share. thankfully- after their phases- they do all the above- after the period where they pushed on each other and shoved- but that didn't last- because their eyes i did blast- i put my foot up their ass to show them real fast- they were brothers forever- and that is not how my boys would act. i sure am glad they finally grew up- anymore of them being kids i would have packed up a truck. someone had this time thing all figured out- cuz one more second- ida bailed south- and prolly for more than a winter.

timBURR... ima cold bitch

dear what happened to the warm air diary,

i left all the windows open when i went to bed and now i am shiverin my ass off like an idiot this morning. good thing i wont be up long enough to suffer. i'll be back in bed and sleeping again sooner than later and warming myself. all is well. ima even leave the windows open to prove just how much of a tough bitch i really am. waking up to these fingernaills is sure something tho. i am certainly not the one who gets decorations put on their nails or designs of any sort- but i like the way they are now. shatter it was called- and it's fairly interesting. so tomorrow is going to be a GREAT day i can hardly wait. i am planning a party. i pick up the cake this afternoon. mmmm. i love cake. i'll start telling you guys all about it when i get up from my nap.

some apology

tagret on your head brother

dear trouble shooter diary,

when i was little- we weren't allowed to get the guns out until my dad or grandma was awake. then we could take them on outside away from the propane tank and shoot the corn cans off the fence post- and they'd better be the empty cans. the ones filled with lima beans and shit fuckin shot up the best tho- they did- i ain't gunna lie. i knew that one gun my brother had was different- but i didn't say anything- cuz- i just didn't. fuck my brother. i don't write much about him and trust me- there are a fucking boat load of reasons- and i ain't about to get into all of them- but maybe in another six hundred posts i might. stay tuned. but anyway MY BROTHER, who shall remain nameless, but who changes his name so often that it wouldn't matter WHAT i called him (lol at self) shoots off a gun and brings everyone running within a quarter of a mile. oh wow. everyone is still alive. he didn't have it pointed at me THAT TIME, put he used to point them at me often. i got to stab him with a steak knife once- and then pour salt in the open wound. he blew up my barbie heads with firecrackers- i stomped on his boombox.  i tried to love him as an adult, i just love his ex-wife now and children- WHO HE TRIED TO RUN OVER WITH A CAR- trying to be just like the unibomber. so i finally gave up trying to figure out which guns were the guns we could play with and which ones we couldn't and i gave up trying to play with my dumb brother too. but his ex-wife is sure sweet and lucky too. i wish i could have divorced my brother.

sunglasses at night

dear painting again diary,

i could have sworn the windows were shut, but they aren't. it is hot as a bitch whore in here. five nails are painted- on my pretty hand- and they are bad ass. at first i was like, "EWWWW," but then after two coats of top coat- they look like tiger eyeballs. next time i do the shatter shit on top (it'll be awhile) i'll prolly do a darker color- cuz this pale orange shit is all but dumb. they will do for a tuesday tho- but then anything will. becky is worn out from the ride today. she was good in the car tho. she was. she doesn't hang out the window like the grump likes to. i washed the inside of the windshield for the first time in, omg, two years prolly. it damn near hurts to look out of it now. i suppose i should paint my ugly hand before i forget.

jumping in

dear to smoke it bluntly diary,

i cant sugar coat the mess i have gotten myself into. the assignment i took on is going to suck maltese donkey cock. eventually, i will stay afloat, but my feet now feel tied to cement cylinders. i need to have a fundraiser. there isn't any reason i cant have a rummage sale- a bizarre- a strip show- people might come. i think ima need to have a little extra motivation to get this assignment done. i don't like to critique others work, but with the information i have here- either someone was really fucked up when they wrote this shit- or sap face of the year. i know it is really old and it has some excellent parts- but geez getting to them takes forever and takes three meals. whatever you think you know about the original doesn't have to change- as long as the characters don't change and the names stay the same.

deep connections with GOD

dear public enemy diary,

what would you do for a klondike bar? i'd like them better myself- if they had sticks to hold on to them by. but that's just me and again- nobody ever asks me. sometimes i think that people should ask me shit because i have good ideas. but they don't- and that's fine- let them do it the hard way then- i don't give a rats ass. maybe it's safer if they don't ask me anyway- i'd just OVER REACT and cause someone to panic- and then there would be all sorts of trouble and what not. someone usually has to REMIND ME to over react and then, i am so high strung- you really gotta know me to tell the difference when i have, 'beat a dead horse,' or just run my mouth normally. i seem to excel to heights i wish later were lower, but i cant control that. years of therapy- medication- rationalization- you name it- i get really excited when i have a conviction about something. my daddy always said ida made a good southern babtist minister. and i was like, "daddy- you ain't even babtist?" and he'd say, "well then you need to sell cars then."

under a bridge or on a corner

dear i made it up by nine diary,

i am telling you- THE hardest thing about sleeping is waking up. sometimes- i don't even know where i am. worse yet- sometimes i cant move and i feel like i am wide awake. it is like my mind woke up before the rest of me did. that is what happened tonite- but it only was for a second. i prolly coulda milked it for longer- but this time i knew what was going on and took control. i wasn't in the mood to play games. the house was all dark when i stumbled out of the bedroom- for a minute- i thought i was gunna get to take a bath. my heart even started skipping a little. then i saw it- the light in the garage. FUUUUCK. then i started looking around at the house. i live here. last tuesday when maria came- the house was so clean- but i let her come anyway. tomorrow- fuck if it ain't back to normal again, a short lived dream. my room is the worst. something must be done in there- but she cant do it. i keep telling myself, "things will get better," but they never seem to. even when i waited all those years for the moving van to show up- i knew they wouldn't get better then too. i thought about just living in a tent. i figured- why not?

cool whip

dear after all that dairy,

i will go to bed. milk makes me tired like a baby. the snake is all put back together. i ate a donut- a well deserved one- and now after a huge glass of sparkling cold whole milk- i will bask in the delight of my memory foam bednest. it is good to be home and full again. i will take pictures of all my new polish when i get up. i got some of the new texas line- guy meets gal-veston and black shatter so those are two i am really pumped about. naptime y'all. i cant take much more of this. xoxoxo

fork it

dear i feel kinda sad diary,

the look on this rat's face says everything and it's little paw, fuck me. i wonder if all rats look like that as they die and just give up. this one sure did. i felt like i was watching STUART LITTLE die. i am ok now- now that he is halfway down her throat and the shrill has ceased- but for a minute- it was hard. this one was worse than the first. her tank is cleared of her skin and ready for her to move back in. she has fresh water and her tree is turned around. i still feel bad for her little dinner pal tho. look at him. LOL

dinner pal
(medium well)

t-bone snake

dear hungry like a wolf snake diary,

i couldn't eat a rat no matter how hungry i got, but the snake just loves them. yuck. she's just about done with her first one- she has another one waitin. she was a day and a half late on shedding- but then i moved her the other day- so since i fucked with her- i imagine that is prolly what threw her off. her skin came off in such a beautiful piece- it looked like she slipped out of it like pantyhose. ida never thought that i could like a snake- i was so mad when that crackhead dropped her off here. she's part of our family now- i suppose. we've had her about five years. she has yet to cause any trouble.

dinner in the shower
(out to eat)

sleeping rats on paper towels

dear dognapping a dog napper diary,

i was hoping that some tall dark unshaven hansome man creature with a clean bottom lip, would somehow take control of me and becky while we slept in the backseat of my car in downtown chicago- but that never happened. i will not be on tonight's episode of nancy grace unless i call in and get through. bummer- i know. ten bottles of fingernail polish, one shirt, some hair gel, a nap, and a pair of jeans later, i made it back with my al's itialian beef and my manuscripts from dude (scotty like the paper towel) and i am ready to begin the challenge of my next assignment for 914. this one should be interesting because it is already written. ima feed the snake and take pics.

transfusions 101 & 210

dear snitching somebody out diary,

sometimes that is all you can do- snitch out someone for snitching you out- but who do you snitch to when nobody gives a fuck? you get a blog- that's what you do and snitch away. high ho- high ho- it's off to snitch i go. so. now you're prolly wondering, "uh oh... what did trixie do now?" nuttin. i didn't do anything. seriously. nothin i ain't done six hundred and nineteen bazillion times before. people like to drop a dime on me for shit that don't have anything to even DO with me- sometimes it sticks- most of the time it doesn't. i don't mind when you drop some change on me- as long as it's a nickel, dimes can do allot of damage. one of these days- ima start tossing out the dimes and people ain't gunna know what hit 'em. but it ain't in my blood. ima workin on that.

fresh minty breath

colgate works

issues and tissues

dear dog dreams diary,

becky had all the dreams last night- i think she had good ones because she woke up happy as a clam today and glued to my hip. we are about to spend allot of time together doing special things and i cant wait to see her face and the joy it will bring. she is my little angel and i am her big angel and we belong together and there ain't no fangdangeling that. i am gunna grab her toy and blanket we are travelin fat. leavin the grump at home with the unibomber and the kid is something i hate to do- but when something really important happens- you book- but ida rather flew. this way i can take my becky girl and travel (to her) around the world. and put some mileage on them paws of hers and meet people she's never seen- i ain't scared one single bit that she could ever be mean. bye y'all you're coming with- but it might be a couple of hours. but i'll sure blog when i can- til my battery goes dead or i find power! kisses xoxxo

i hear and obey you

dear i ain't sure diary,

today should turn out to be a busy day, for me anyway. but you never do know how things will turn to be. just depends how it goes i suppose. if i can get up and out of the bed- it will be a great start. but i cant seem to sleep more than a few hours at a stretch- some kind of imbalance in my brain. i think i am an alien sometimes- because i often see lights when i close my eyes and hear tapping and high pitch frequencies when there should be dead silence. i am used to all the radioactive sounds and extra transmissions i receive- especially during thunderstorms when activity is so high and at times- unbearable. the tv sends me messages- at times i am unable to decode- and at other times- i am able to deliver those messages as i am so told. i tell the garbage man to get my trash and dispose of it properly. he does. i never throw any of my medication bottles away without rinsing first and always always peel my labels. and i know never to disclose any information sent through the channels of further direct alien communication. there it is once again, the tapping- "tap, tap, tap."

deep batter fried UP

dear sometimes it might be best to think diary,

every once in awhile i catch myself thinking, 'man, wouldn't it be nice if i could just go up and clock her as opposed to looking at her funny?' but then i make myself repent accordingly because, really, there is no reason to breed hostility any longer. i have my one anger focus now (cuntface) and that keeps me pacified in all respects. i cant even remember the last time i ever felt this strongly for anything- except salmon- and that is some shit i couldn't even swallow when my mom made it for dinner. i couldn't do it. ain't no way. i don't know when i got over the hatred i feel towards that shit- but then honestly, i cant remember the last time anyone tried to force me to eat the nasty shit. i ain't a violent person, but i think about swingin my arms around. i think everyone does. whether they admit it or they don't- that's on them. i know better than to lie to myself- i address my inner thoughts and deal with my needs and swing when necessary.

i can do that NOW

dear third grade level maybe diary,

the captain crunch box is about the extent of my literary skills. it's got me this far in life. i guess i'm one of the lucky ones who can write with fluency- that doesn't mean it makes any sense tho. oh i can read- i just hate doin it. but i will iffin i have to. if it's important enough. fuckit, or if there might be a fucking test. but you know what? i like tests now that i ain't gotta take them any more. i think they're fun. plus they have really improved so much in the testing world of technology. damnit all if when we had to test by gawd WE had to WRITE THE FUCKING ANSWERS IN TO THE BLANK LINES and now you getta choose one answer from four. hell, that's a 25% chance of scoring right to begin with- even if you picked a random answer, but you cant pick A RANDOM BLANK. them fucking rat bastards. so of course our fucking kids are 25% smarter than the little fuckers were when i went to school. duh. you inhale the rubber cement enough- it's hard to remember anything- but you can always remember to color in a little fucking dot. yeah okay- i ain't no genius- never played one on tv- but- i sure did whiz through college when one of four was the correct answer. fuck ya. that is as good as cheating- if you ask me- but nobody ever does.

drawing cleaner pictures

dear i wish i could read diary,

you know, i was sitting here thinking- if i could read- i betcha i could write a whole lot better than i do now. how does the inside glass of my pictures get so dirty? after just twenty years? i am tired of these pictures. i'd never get rid of them- but.... damn- i cant see lookin at them for another quick twenty. i still don't get how the glass is dirty- the back is sealed on one of them. i suppose it is time to un-seal the bitch. then i will teach myself how to read. i have always known i had the capabilities- just never took the time to sit down and get it done. first i shall eat a cookie and then a glass of milk and then i shall eat a banana and and prolly do something else.

scrambled- no cheese

dear messages not massages diary,

Jesus in the sky- a rub down would would be killer- i would be putty in the hands of a strong man about now. you would hear noises from me never heard before- well not for a very LONG time anyways and enjoy a handsome reward- of which my own stomach just dropped thinking about giving. i love that tingling feeling down there. it makes me feel like i am thirteen again- reading a naughty novel i found hidden in my mother's closet. it still feels just like it did- only i know how to fix it now. getting messages are sometimes difficult when they are not written in a language you can understand. i know this because people like beating around the bush with me all the time and it really pisses a bitch off when you're not supposed to be that smart to begin with- and then they pull that shit. with that said- on the other side of the basket ball fence, (i hate saying court) you got the other mother fuckin fuckwads- that wanna read between the lines (or listen between the words- it does happen) and think THEY know- but they don't know shit- cuz you really ain't as 'dumb' as they got you signed up to be. but at the end of the day- it is all fun and games until someone gets an egg thrown on their tahoe. and see? i have more respect for eggs.

have a drink on me

dear well you guys diary,

like reo speedwagon said, it's time for me to fly. i got to get my groove on and swag- can't forget my swag. when my show comes on tonight- know it's recordin at my house and i'll be watchin as soon as i fly through the fucking door. i ain't playin around. one false move i will knock you down. wasn't a big huge fan of william macy till now- but everybody else- especially the dragonball couple- blows me away. lip (jeremy) and karen(laura), sheila(maggie) and frank(william), fiona(emmy) and steve(james)- kash(chris) and ian(gerard)- carl(marjorie)- liam(joseph)- debbie(rebbecca)- kevin(dean) and veronica(maxine)- fucking love every one of them bitches. i'm in the tub.

dinner for the grumps

dear explaining what i've done diary,

there is no plausible explanation for what i have done now, because nobody has asked me why i have done anything yet. so until they do- i don't have to answer. until now, "what are you burning?" the unibomber just asked. the chicken. i should have just thrown it in the yard i guess, but at least i tried to cook it yes? fuckit- put enough cheese on it- i think it will be fine. i didn't say anything to him- i never do. it will just get the dog worked up man. he's been through enough stress already. he doesn't have the mind trick thing- he's can only lick  his nuts- which he is doing now- with his eyes closed again. prolly enjoying the new flavor. he seems happy. he'll eat some burnt chicken and be really happy.

his carpet is clean- mine ain't

dear plantless in my house diary,

while i still have not cooked that chicken yet, i have taken out all of my plants- with the exception of my grandmas spider plant- which never leaves the house but on warm rainy days. omg the grump just had a bath! it is official! mark it down and pass me the crown- i got the job DONE- i don't give a shit about that chicken either- the hardest job ever has been a success. fear no evil- I AM THE BEST! that dog was filthy dirty. i scrubbed him down for a good thirty. he looks two shades lighter- he is pissed off now but his mood will get brighter. i am as happy as a whore can be- now that fucker again can sleep with me- he stunk so bad he didn't stink- i'd wash him down the best i could- in the sink- but when that water hit him in the tub- i gave him a hardcore scrubbing like a whore should- under his big balls and around his dick too- all those places i see him chew- and now he smells so fresh and kewl- not to sleep with him- why- i'd be a fool. now i guess i'll cook that chicken- then give my own self a bath and quit bitchen.

pour some chicken on me

dear ain't that about a bitch diary,

i gotta cook that chicken. i hate having my arm twisted. i had big ideas for that pack of chicken when i got it out of the freezer on friday and now- fuck i want to throw it in the yard. thirty years from now people will be killing for what we throw away. i just watched that show on how we as americans waste all kinds of money on food every year and i want to do better. starting with that chicken damnit. i'll do it. i will. fuck. me. in the ass. damn.  i wish i woulda never got that chicken out. damn. at this point- i'd rather be tied up to a fence and beat than to have to contend with that chicken. fucking anything but deal with that. i'd fold clothes. wash walls. dishes. mend socks. peel oranges. anything. but no. the dead flesh of a bird is what i must finger. fine. i'll do it. i will. i am. i'm gunna. right now. fuck.

take your sleeping bag

dear discovering a whole new world diary,

there are so many things i don't know- just when i thought i knew everything too. i mean i knew there was stuff i wasn't going to know like doctor and lawyer junk- scientific and astronomic genius type crap- you know math- stupid shit like that- but when something mundane comes along- and says, "hello trixie, i've been here the whole time," it really makes me wonder- WHERE THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN? well, i've been around. i was just looking at something else- diverting my attention and lack of intelligence to more important things. like smoking pot for instance. i did that for a LONG time. i still don't understand why. sure, it was fun, cool, and it tasted good. but it really did nothing but relax me and make me feel important. ghb does the same thing for me now- i take that to relax- and i feel more important than ever. but the learning- seeing things i've never seen before- being able to think in circles and squares- living in and out of the box- having but one voo-doo doll to poke- it feels so strange to be up before 3PM. hurtin.

ghostBetteR

dear i ain't sorry diary,

well. yay. you learn something new everyday. i am just waiting to see what that will be for me today. shady. i ain't heard a word from mister bet maker, not since about my eightieth post, so the prospect of never making another silly bet again like that is saddening. sometimes- i like to lose the bet. sometimes losing is every bit as delightful as winning. but you always need to win the first bet you make with someone- so you can feel 'em out, make sure they'll be a good better. i was looking forward to betting again, but it looks as if we got another ghost. at least i don't have to worry about any court papers coming, or do i?

crab-free donut in my hole

dear i could have went for a donut about now diary,

but the ones in our town just suck. why is that? we must not have a market for donuts here in our city i guess. what the fuck. other cities have donut shops- why cant ours have one too- we have golden glaze- but whooptie doo. i'd rather drive to springfield- where they know what a honeymooner really is- or even over to bloomington- to get a warm krispy kreme. fuck it- i don't need a donut anyway i guess- i seen myself in the mirror yesterday. oink oink and moo moo flat ass kitty- i better just keep my stupid hungry butt in the donut-less city.

it better be better later

dear there ain't nuthin worse diary,

i always bitch about what's on my mind- this time ain't no exception. there ain't nothing worse than havin nothing on my mind when all i want to do is have something there to reflect on all the time. now all of a sudden my mind has gone blank and there is nothing i can do but sit here and thank deep thoughts and express how awful of a situation this really is for us all because this never happens to a person like me- who has a terribly busy atmospheric brain where things are hopping around at a rapid pace nearly all the time- leaving me baffled that i could be completely empty this early in the day- but i suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later. thirteen hours from this very second spring will arrive so i am sure that is what the problem really is. the equinox.

the green river

dear you dont have to understand diary,

i begged you to take ahold of me- to keep me as your own. you said you would wrestle up and help me- but instead i was just your whore. you had me convinced of a lot of things- but one thing i that was true- there was one thing meant for me and there was another thing meant for you. that is just the way shit happens- that's just the way it goes- but if you would have just been honest with me- it wouldnt have been such a shock i suppose. the hurt and pain has yet to leave inside. i will only yeild to my faith and someday that love i believe will die in my heart and i will not be weary of the life i will have finally made for myself. it will all be worth it in the end when i see you fall off your shelf.

take it with you- i have mOre

dear where you going after this then diary,

understanding where you came from isn't important as long as you know where you are going. right? at least if your going in the immediate direction of where you are to end up- well- then you're doin ok- i'd say. that ain't always how it goes tho. unless you have a built in compass or you were born an eagle scout or some shit, you're bound to make a faulty turn- resulting in the minimum of a few extra minutes of un-necessary stress- taking possibly years off of your human life. now, at first i was not one to believe it, but through concerted efforts, i have confirmed many people do not know that un-necessary stress shaves off time from our lives like cheese off a log- big ass chunks at a time- of time- time that can not be returned- or reversed. i've thought long and hard about this and i think there is a way to stop that time from escaping your clenches- if you do it THE moment the actual stress has occurred. this is the part where i could shut you off and tell you- for $29.95- you too could know the secret- but i'll tell you. i'm not going to start keeping secrets now. here you go: within 8 seconds of getting a dose of stress- you must induce a dose of structural intense humor. carry something around with you that ALWAYS makes you laugh and USE that as a mind tool reference. you MUST use a visual tool until you get SO good at pulling images in your mind and tricking yourself into scenarios most mental health pro's would label 'disconnected from reality,' but if you want extra time to play the game of life- i think these might be little 'cheater codes' we can all use to get to the higher levels. stress may not always be avoided- and you may not always want to try and avoid it either- look at it as a way to get to the other side of the room to laugh and relax.