finger me holly

dear new things diary,

my new phone came yesterday from the insurance and so i bought my waterproof phone today. omfg. so far i've been hating life on the new phone and spending all my time on my new old phone and getting it all set up on twitter and shit. and now i cant twitter on my old line on my new phone OMG. see? how come you cant twitter from two lines? see. now. that is bullshit. business has increased and i need two lines to twitter from. i dunno anymore. it's confusing as all get out. i've almost got everything dumped off that i want to keep on my old phone- switched over to my new old phone and my new new phone so i have two new pretty much identical phones set up exactly the same- except one i can twitter on and one i cant. that's it. i'ma make my new new phone on my old line @hollyhohohoho and my old new phone on my new line @trixiethewhore. so @hollyhohohoho is waterproof and @trixiethewhore is not.

careful what you wash for

dear the many occasions diary,

i'll tell you, convincing yourself you've made a rational decision is quite the talent, especially when what you've done is the dumbest thing ever. i've done it and that is how i know. but when you make a decision that absolutely rocks and you find out right away how much relief it brings, well that's the kind of shit that ain't a talent- that's SKILL baby. it was like getting rid of that beautiful tooth in my mouth, getting rid of the people next door was- and here is how. if you drove by and saw the people next door- you wouldn't have thought they were such an emotional and financial burden and stress on my life- and if we were talking at the gas station and my mouth fell open- there'd be no fucking way you'da ever picked out tooth number 18 as being the culprit of the severe dental issue i just got done having. with that said, if you run into me now, you are going to meet a much more relaxed and less agitated whore who is in less physical, emotional and financial pain. thank you baby Jesus in the sky. 

we'll find somebody (by gawd)

dear no objections diary,

it's not over really, it's in fact different now. everybody has a story and you told yours. the fact that it cant hold water doesn't seem to matter. a popular science these past few years. my reality may be skewed, but at least i don't ride the fence. i will never ride the fence. doing what is easy all the time makes you weak. one day you will fall off the fence, (if you don't jump off a building again first) and i wonder who will CARRY YOU INTO THE MALL next time? it prolly wont be the reasonable one. ha.

the bouncy seat

dear provoked and revoked diary,

outside of court hearings and under the dark and dank skies of the days that are yet to come, i have so much light in my life to be thankful for. i truly am a blessed whore. and that is one hell of a washer and dryer next door. i just love that dryer. ima keep it. i've always dreamed of having two dryers and now i have just that. today i was texting on my two phones. i have an upstairs vacuum and a downstairs vacuum and an outside shopvac. it really does feel funny, but i should have taken the advice of others before i went on and jumped off the cliff with no regrets. it's a good thing i was tied off. maybe they were tied off too. my rope is stronger- i'm not still hangin.

wake up time (before the parade)

dear almost ready diary,

things here are moving along right on schedule. i have one hand in my pocket and the other one is holding my burning cigarette. the sweet potato casserole is done and ready for the bake and same with the scalloped corn. the green beans are ready for the tiny potatoes ima drop in at the last minute and the dead bird has had his bath and is ready to be re-dried and stuffed in the morning. my hand, fist and arm fit nicely up this bird. i got plenty of stuffing to fill him up though. i've doubled up on everything. omfg. i can not wait.

two less and four more on that twenty pound bird

dear dinner table diary,

it was supposed to be a quiet dinner with my big fresh dead bird and now we have filled the empty house next door with the biggest table ever. four more strange people have signed up to sample the biggest bird i've ever cooked in my life and i am hoping that fat bitch fits in my oven all the way. i've already decided to take everything else over yonder and cook it there in the other oven because i want that house to smell as delicious as mine, but i would never cook a turkey of that caliber in a gas oven. i have yet to mop the empty house kitchen, but i have a feeling that wont take long. usually my dad gets a big take home plate, but iffin he doesn't show up right on time- he might have slim pickins. i'm sure he wont be late. he never is. 

the risks at home

dear if at first diary,

i've somehow lost a tube of crackers in my kitchen. i realize how stupid that sounds, but i have looked all over and they are no where to be found and this bothers me. i need them for the scalloped corn. dammit. so today was a pretty good day. i gained ground. i saw light. i heard music. whatever. the smoke is clearing. i just need to find a place now for my shovels. the hole in my mouth is itching in such a way i can not scratch. i press down on the hole and that gives me all the relief i need- for a moment and then i let go and it itches again. i know it is healing. i have much to look forward to and i like that feeling as well. in my adult life i may have know but a few things, but there is in fact one thing i do know for certain above all other things. if my son fell into a volcano, he would be too lazy to try and get out- it would be easier to just burn up and die.

if you have a dollar

dear buying the house next door diary,

it looks more like a home now than it did when the scum cunt lived there and i hate to be mean, but when the landlord came over and offered to sell us the house i screamed. i'd already joked how the unibomber already had a refrigerator in there and pictures on the walls. i think he might have a sleep over in the old pink room. it sure does look nice freshly painted a normal color again and the toilet, well, that came clean with rubber gloves, elbow grease, tilex, comet, a wire brush, and a face mask. i'm pretty fucking lucky these days. i better go play my new old phone number again on pick 4. maybe you should too.

the king of the castle

dear 64 miles and 8 years diary,

so somewhere along the lines of two thousand nine hundred and prolly thirteen or twelve days ago today, depending on how many leap years there were in the last 8 years prolly one ok i'm dumb, anyway, that's fine, but still, EIGHT years ago we drove 32 miles (one way) and got this dog right here, the grump, and he was a month old that day. the breeder decided to keep the grump- he wasn't for sale. but when i saw him, done deal. he humped me while cupped in my hands. i said, "fuck this shit, he is my dog right now," and i wrote a bigger check and left. between then and now, he has: pulled the turkey across the floor at 4 weeks and one day old, fallen off my very high bed and got stuck between the foot board, got loose at 6AM (when he was a toddler- because he sure wont do this now) and wandered into the road and got hit by a car and a back tooth knocked out, got scared when the wave of the ocean chased him in miami, bit me in the head, and turned down a bleeding bitch while having her as an overnight guest, survived cancer he didn't have and sleeps in my bed now every night as a reward. fifty two kongs later, i don't get upset when i have to throw them away. i do it when he is asleep- which by the way- is most of the time.

not a single luxury left HA.HA.HA.HA.

dear oh dear diary,

and then the grandma wants to call. the grandma, who i gave a three month reprieve to, wants to add her three cents, (as if that's gonna shave off any from the grand total of things,) "haven't you ever been young?" she says in her smokers wheeze. there- in two minutes and six seconds i told her how young i was when i never took advantage of anyone like they'd done and reminded her that my son was not raised that way and then i thanked her for calling. the line disconnected after i pushed END and i looked at my new phone. it's not really a new phone but it's my new line. i got my old number back from william street and my line back from prince william. it'll be nice only taking one child to the dentist instead of three and a baby. i cancelled the cleanings for next week. i also ditched the voice mail, "hit me back," may be in the cards, but i cant stand the sound of that voice- i don't want people thinking i'm retarded. LMAO

greedy and needy; the ungrateful cunt

dear stuck with a slut diary,

 prince william doesn't know it yet, but he will find out and it'll sure hit him hard when it does. ida told him a long time ago, but it would have done no good and for certain it did no good now. it is a rule of nature i suppose, i'm not supposed to like the cunt, but do they all have to be so needy? really? i was forewarned, i was, but i wrote it off. this one is different i am afraid. i tried. oh well, it will now be a much quieter and more economical holiday season.

cheese and beans

dear dick cheese diary,

in my life, and over the span of it, i have seen a few things and i'll admit, i don't get bored easily. i've never seen, "five day old dick cheese," and if i did, "mundane," prolly wouldn't be the word i'd use to describe that. so if someone were to say, "you are as mundane as five day old dick cheese!!!" i kinda take careful consideration to that. never the less, what to roosters and coffee beans have in common? nothing, but i dreamed about each today. 

i got eyes (i can see)

dear ripple in my polish diary,

feeling just like i did yesterday when i woke up again today, i realized this might be how it will be from now on- until i repaint my nail anyway. maybe things will seem different when my nail is right with the world.

paradigm shifts

dear tiny faults diary,

on the year before the day after my dad was born it was 80 degrees and that was today- like eighty one years ago. that would be a warm november day. i would wear shorts on an eighty degree day and even prolly shave my legs. what a day it was today. even though it didn't reach eighty degrees like it did eighty one years ago, it got warm enough to please my greedy ass and i left the house in shorts, but i did not shave my legs. it is a little known secret how i find it absurd how some wish to run the cosmic film in reverse and jam the projector and change the flow of energy. the traffic laws haven't changed and neither have the laws of gravity. there is a theory out there that isn't written in the stars that could work for everyone. you'll catch more flies with honey than salt, but shit works just as well- considering that's all you've got. i see the conflict here, but as we leave the world of small objects behind, the fabric of space shall become bumpy and conventional ideas of before and after break down. you will never be able to pin anything to an apple or an orange because the fluctuating order of your space and time is forever changed now. you are no longer the center of attention and your ass is big as fuck.