the queen in the middle

dear big fat and wide diary,

i haven't posted about becky for a while. she is still here. she has been willfully neglected. some may find that fact mean, but it has been necessary. i still kiss her. i still pet her. i obviously still feed her. but it does hurt a little bit to admit i haven't been molesting her and hanging all over her and sucking on her like i usually do and this is the longest she has ever gone without my steady soaking of affections. she just looks at me now with those eyes. when she does finally get up next to me and i let her in, the one time- mind you- i cuddle up close to her and our bond seems to be reconnecting- and i start feeling little tickles on me. i look up and the little bitch has ants all over her and has BROUGHT THEM IN MY BED. OMG. i made her leave. she still loves me. i think. i dunno, but the grump has NEVER been so devoted. i'll make it up to her, i keep telling her and myself, and i will someday. in the meantime, i'll keep stuffing her kongs and cuddle her when she sneaks up while i am sleeping. she wont always be second choice. i liked her better til i thought the grump was gunna DIE for fucks sake. and he aint now so i dunno what the problem is.

the butter cow

dear full belly diary,

when the grump has a full belly- you can really tell. he lays really still and grunts when you touch him. i got him a roll of that fresh dog food that comes looking like hamburger until you open it and then it looks like pickle loaf- i swear it actually doesn't smell that bad- but he has hard time eating it unless i chop it up for him. i've been giving it to him cold too- i thought about warming it up- but i didn't feel like it and he really tore that shit up cold- so- i ain't warming it up. he only has like three days of the antibiotics left, which are supposed to be given on a full belly twice a day- so i'm trying to keep him eating for that reason as well as trying to put his weight back on AND keep him shitting. we are weaning off the steroid this week, so i should be seeing a decrease on the humping. part of me will miss that added attention. he is such a good boy and i am so glad to have him back with me for the long haul again. because it is a long haul and not one i'd ever want to take without him.

a bucket of fresh water

dear hostile colors don't surprise me diary,

i do whatever it takes to stay where i am. sometimes it takes a LOT. sometimes i almost have to chain myself to the floor here in some kind of attempt not to run away, except i have no place to go and in the past whenever i've run away- i always seem to find my way back here eventually- which is why i think i finally gave up running in the first place. then i got liposuction. which helped some, but really i wish ida saved that money for the lawyer a year later. nevertheless, i'm still here and things are as they always have been- except- my heart is still alive. my whole house needs painted. i realize this.

sprite in a bottle

dear all i need diary,

what an amazing connection my head made with the remote control. thankfully the remote snapped back together. my opinions are often pointed, my judgements often clouded, and i can often leap before i look. however this time, i thought it was different. i thought my opinions were rounded, my judgements were more clear than usual, and my view of my flight pattern- well, i can see further than usual- i thought i was doing good. maybe it is better when someone else knows and can tell when you are out of control. if ida listened last time- ida saved five years of my life, five thousand dollars and a whole lotta heartache.

i want to apologize to a ford ranger

dear no idea at all there diary,

have you ever had the wrong idea about something? have you ever talked yourself into something to keep yourself from going somewhere you know you cant go? here we go. there is drainage. there is moisture. there are supposed to be boundaries. where are the walls here? if you cant find them- you gotta build your own i guess. that's what i usually try and do. drop zone. keeping your mind within the guidelines can be difficult and i've gotten into serious trouble venturing outside the lines before, even spending the upwards of five hours in jail. that was very traumatic for me and disrupted my sleeping schedule immensely. while my working schedule remained in tact, i lost critical napping hours, and did not finish sweeping the living room the early morning hours of march 4, 2010, AND had to leave a half smoked blunt in the ashtray. OMFG. i also have not been able to wear the color 'monsooner or later' on my fingernails since that day- and that used to be one of my favorite colors from OPI. i just figured that anyone who had an interest in anything i ever had to say would almost have to be gay. i dunno what else i can say about that.

common ground

dear naptime safety saturday diary,

compliance is what i strive for. i wanna try and follow the rules. i was gunna try and record the new tonight because i'm on it. i ain't gunna specify which channel, but it ain't the local news THANK GOD. so i might get away with blending in, but somehow i doubt it. i always seem to stick out. i did refuse to interview though. i know better than to talk on the record, especially about something i have no real opinion about. so... ima go to bed and pray my phone doesn't ring-a-ding-ding. but i know it will. there is always someone out there watching somewhere.

the lame name game

dear over the intercom diary,

whenever i order food at work at lunch, on those rare occasions that i do, i never use my name because i don't want people knowing that it was me who ordered food when they call it out over the intercom to come pick it up when it is ready. eating at work is a personal thing and i don't want to share. i use the name 'CHINGA.' which really does no good because now instead of knowing me by my name, everyone now knows me as chinga since i've been doing this for years now. people say, "high chinga." when people give me Christmas cards, they're addressed to (you guessed it) "chinga and family." when i donate to the Christmas tree, i also put "chinga" on my ornament- everyone knows and has fully accepted me as chinga. then last night i ordered a grill cheese- i was starving. mike is the asshat who came back for an unknown reason to stoopervise the working environment that was operating just fine without him. when they called my name over the loud speaker last night- i went to get my cheese toastie. i came back and ate it. things were good. then pretty soon one of the assistant managers came up and told me a little story. she said the girl that called my order out got in trouble from mike for saying "CHINGA" over the intercom. he told her she is no longer allowed to use that name. i kissed the lady on the forehead for telling me the story, she told me the girl IS NOT in trouble and that it took mike almost five years to figure out what CHINGA meant.

check out the home hotel

dear posting of my birth diary,

add them all up kids and you'll have the year of it. i'm old. i say to you- i saw a baby child tonight- sleeping in the arms of her mother. i couldn't help BUT stare at them at the redbox video thing. i wanted to snatch that baby UP and run away. but where would i go? you cant do that shit anymore. and besides, i got one of my own coming in december now and all i have to do is get rid of prince william and lohan and she will be all mine. i've almost got their place ready in the basement. the double steel reinforced bars (with 440 electricity) will be delivered by next week. the sound proofing was competed months ago. they have enough canned food to last years down there and that cable tv works fine. they only have to be down there til the kid turns about three or four- MAYBE FIVE if she's super good- then they can have her back. unless she just doesn't want to go.

terry was the cousin and vicki was the nurse

dear long time to come around diary,

my feet are smoking hot tonight. they really are. of course my body has been through a multitude of temperatures tonight, as well as humidity levels. i've been wet, i've been dry, i've been moist and not so moist. at the present time, i am mostly saturated in relief to finally be home, even if my kitchen does smell like rankly foul pussy. prince harry got to learn a very valuable lesson he will prolly never use in real life earlier. i told him if he was ever deep into a woman's pussy and smelled this same kinda smell in our our kitchen- he should RUN AS FAR AWAY FROM THAT VAGINA AS HE COULD POSSIBLY GET IN THE CONSCIOUS TIME ALLOTTED. he promised that he would but then gave me a face that was NOT so reassuring. i had no idea a bag of rotten onions could smell like THAT.

a happy medium (i am)

dear at one point diary,

i did it all. i put the beef jerky back in my room. i don't like beef jerky but the grump sure does. i buy it for him. i feel guilty in the morning when i wake up happy cuz i know other people wake up so sad. so when i wake up sad i don't feel so bad because i remember the times when i was happy. when i lose something i remember when i found something and when i spend too much money i think about when i bought something on sale. and when it takes me a long time to get somewhere i think about last time i flew- and when i remember a life or time that was wasted for nothing- fuck if i don't always think of you. i think of all the things i have done and all the things i've tried to make up for, but damn if i almost had myself talked into the fact that i was a worthless whore.

a muddy trenchcoat (flight plans sewn in the pocket)

dear dip it good diary,

if i could fly like a bald eagle- i would hover above my house and shit all over the unibomber's head every time he left to go somewhere. yup. i would perch my feather covered ass out on the light pole along side the road out here and wait for him to get up every day about 1:30PM and i'd know then around 3 or 4 PM he'd prolly be rollin outside for something and that is when i'd make my move. i'd have the flight pattern all mapped out in my head- it wouldn't change from day to day and the reflection from his bald spot would help guide me. as time would go by- my travel pattern would get easier, not just by habit, but the reflection pool will be bigger because that spot will grow and catch more sun. someday my aim will be so precise that i will hit the fucker square on the head and that is the day i will fly back to colorado where i will again be safe. for colorado is a place where all bald eagles are protected from the bald unibomber.

the lastest revision

dear smile at me diary,

close your eyes and imagine me right behind you there. i don't much care where you are- even if you're in your car or at home hiding from your wife or at the office late at night. we could share a laugh. it would be so easy. everything is funny to me, as i am entertained so easily. i like to watch the hair grow from a man's face and there is something so intoxicating about the way sweat tastes. i love to listen to really silly stories and i love to poke holes in all of your worries. i love to make someone feel special and have that feeling returned to me and someday someone will see the beauty of my lips again and listen to dumb stories and if they don't, i'll prolly just be standing behind them in line at the supermarket making them laugh anyway- watching the hair grow out of their chin and then quickly returning home to make dinner for the grump and the unibomber.

some motivation

dear searching for something diary,

someone has been carefully picking tomatoes off the vine out back and chewing on them and leaving them lay around to rot in the back yard. i have my suspicions on who the culprit could be, but i haven't confronted her yet. i do hate confrontation. i am going to smell her more after she comes inside because there is a distinct smell after you have contact with a vine- for any amount of time. i'll catch her ass and i know it's her too. i've had the grump for way too many years for him to start high jacking tomatoes from the vine now. all my life i've been searching for someone and something is supposed to lead me to somewhere where i ain't been before. looking around i will find out who has been stealing the fruit from the vine, but i'll prolly just let her keep on doing it. there is plenty and i get a kick out of seeing the little chew marks she leaves.

not convinced yet

dear dear dear diary,

the grump has absolutely terrible gas tonight. it could be the meatloaf from earlier. i know it isn't becky who is ripping the sheets over here because for one- becky wasn't in here the first time the stench came around. but here it is, here they are, here SHE IS- and here i am- right smack in the middle of it. air freshener really does no good for odors around my neck of the woods. shit really stinks over here. i cant figure out why my eyebrows are itching. i have checked them for brow crabs eleven times since i walked in the door. i just love when air flows through my windows freely- it is uplifting in certain dramatic ways. long hairs in my shirt make me itch as well. when i cant find them i'll turn my shirt inside out until i do.

the date has been set

dear yee haw diary,

thank God ima country girl. i ain't got a job and i ain't goin in the kitchen. i ain't said much and i ain't started bitchin. if he don't give me money then i'll say i am goin FISHIN..... cuz right now my ear is really itchin. it is SO nice to have a dog that ain't dyin anymore too. it really is. i didn't want to get rid of my blanket yet. i wanted to revert back to the old plan (burning my blanket and scattering the ashes off the cliff on pacific coast highway 1 this fall) but if it came right down to it- ida wrapped my baby in my blanket before ida done all that. he honestly hasn't acted this energetic and bouncy and sweet since he was about 4 years old prolly. that would take him back to the year 2006- so could i be possible he's been sick for the past five years?  fuck me- i have. i've been sick since 2005- since september 12th, to be exact. funny and not so funny- AT ALL- when you look at it. knowing i just NOW am getting MY life back, knowing i'm just NOW realizing all of the damage that was truly done, well, only do i think NOW the healing process has truly begun.

i am SO VERY ready to burn my blanket on september 1, 2011 at 5:15pm.

the super few who believe in glue

dear nice day to get up diary,

i sneezed three times. it is sure hard to sneeze quietly. it's even harder to blow quietly, so i waited until i saw a truck coming and blew when it went by. the unibomber still shifted in his sleep. but i had to blow my fucking nose. whenever i sneeze first thing in the morning- everything comes right to the front of my nose and i have to blow it out or it will drip out and drive me nuts. fuck the unibomber anyway. it ain't gunna hurt him to get up. i'll do a farmer blow on his ass and he'll get up. if i could look into the future- i'll just see the past- nothing will ever change much around here. but i get some comfort and great stability in that. there are those who will never understand the stability of living in the past. i do because i know what will last. 

forgive and forget (with a list of names)

dear you should hear diary,

the voices in my head are calling you some serious names. i've decided if you cant dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. i used to be MUCH better at it than i am now, i only confuse myself these days. it makes perfect sense though and explains how i've made it this far. i used to be really smart and then i dunno what happened. it really matters none anymore, for i am forever a retarded whore. ima retard with a dry mouth. ima erotic, exotic and a little psychotic- tonight anyway- with my dry mouth is how it was said. i will now attempt to floss my grill and quietly slip into bed. it never does get old not hearing the pecking on my window in the mornings FOR HEAD. gimme a break. lol ENJOY YOUR PRIZE CUNTFACE!

my second wind and first rain

dear advice to follow diary,

when you are in shit up to your nose, keep your mouth shut. there's a good idea. the unibomber just saved a bunch of money on car insurance, i'll tell you how later. he says all the time if he agrees with me- we would both be wrong. banana pudding is something never put together until it is ready to be devoured. otherwise the bananas turn all brown and make the pudding runny and the crust all soggy. the voices may not be real, but they do have good ideas. i'm not really a bitch, but i am willing to play one in your life. God sent me to teach you a lesson. i'd rather be judged by twelve than carried by six. stupid should hurt. my inner child is a mean little fuckin bitch fucker. walking home from the house, i got lost- but i can see so much better with the lights off.

even the grump likes it

don't believe everything you think

dear Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes diary,

iffin i had a dick, ida sure stuck it in the potatoes we had tonight. they were the best potatoes i have had in many many moons. of course, i cant have a penis, because i wasn't blessed with the extra unit. i had planned to give both dogs a bath tonight and instead i cleaned off my square cabinet. i put receipts away. i am heavily medicated for your protection, but when i eat banana pudding- the cream seems to counteract the most important ingredient. if i have to explain- you wont understand- so don't ever think about asking again. the time has nearly passed for this and that and anything other than what i thought otherwise, but i would like to look presentable for the events that may or may not happen in the future moments of the day tomorrow. i hate being thought of as bi-polar, but it's awesome. if i like you, i'll prolly kill you last cuz i survived shit creek without a paddle. God must love us stupid retarded people- he made so many.

plenty for EVERYONE

dear i would have to tell you if you were to ask diary,

but you wont so i will keep my big fat mouth shut, but that doesn't mean my fingers will be. hush little fingers don't type a word... mama's gunna stick you in a warm fat turd... and if that big fat turd don't stink... mama'll have daddy shit you 'nother in the kitchen sink. that last long day he finally did go away... ima tell you one thing- i sure didn't cry- but my fingers just wouldn't shut up. and they still wont. damn them little fingers. anyone need a turd in a cup?

blinded by lighter body fluids (not bean bags)

dear trying my hardest diary,

sometimes it is nice to NOT keep a lid on things. like when you are driving in the car and want to take pictures of the blinding sun. sometimes i do it when the unibomber makes me go on the bike, but i don't like the bike because i cant file my fingernails or read a magazine or text very easily and honestly, i think the bike is what caused me to have a kidney stone jimmy loose a few years ago and now every time i ovulate i'm afraid ima have another one of those again- so i'd rather toodle around in the convertible and take pictures of the clouds and what not. today was a perfect day for that shit. i got a bunch of cool ass pictures. i really did. ima share just one now and prolly more later.  

spf 619 recommended

dammit JANE!

dear slick forty one diary,

i always feel fanfuckingtastic like when i cook a meatfuckingloaf IN my grandma's oven and tonight there is no exception to that and i feel damn proud because i scooted the mother fucker over and made cookies at the same time. so now my house is filled with the meatloaf and chocolate chip cookie smell and dammit jane, it smells magnificent. so then, my dear friend, now, as soon as the red peeled potatoes are done steaming, i will smash them with cream and butter- until fluffy and we will have meatloaf, fluffy smashed potatoes and chocolate chip cookies and banana pudding. i tasted fall in the air today during our road trip. it is six days early. i kept my hands and feet inside the the vehicle and did not feed any goats. stay tuned for sky harbor pictures.

hey diary and #bb13 what does 1.5 weiners and a tiny banana have in common? #I8BOTH

gas her up daddy

dear how's it going diary,

well. we should be on the road any minute now. i like trippin. goin for a hot dog today- we are. a hot dog and some school clothes. running down a lead on the banana pudding last night was sure a thrill. i've never had such a treat. i think i'll try another sweet dish of the shit when i get home later. it is so sad to think while i ate banana pudding with my kid some other mother lost hers a few blocks away in my friend's front yard. take charge of my life but let me know- how far it is before i have to go. cuz i really want that hot dog and banana pudding too, but if it ain't safe- i'll stay here with you.

whooda thunk that shit?

dear i am up now diary,

we are going to leave the house today- and it wont kill me. i have no idea when this event will happen because everyone except becky and i are still sleeping. i need a new blanket and prince harry needs school clothes and the unibomber already bought a new rear fender for his bike. he didn't like the one that came on it- and if it was me- ida went and done something about the front tire bein skinny. but i guess he likes it like that. he says the new tires he has ain't like the old tires but they ain't on there yet. personally, i ain't a bike whore. bikes do SO NOT impress me.it was so funny though- as soon as my man got a harley EVERYONE HAD TO HAVE A BIKE and now.... we got a harley. finally. LMAO and the bigger the bike... the smaller the pee-pee.

the tare on the scale

dear somebody said diary,

somebody told me i needed to get up today. so now i am a tiny bit awake. i ain't fully enough to stay awake for the whore day though, i can readily admit to that shit right now- plus my hair is really clean and doesn't even smell like my pillow yet. the unibomber and i had a tender moment that lasted for more than twelve point five seconds last night, but he is back to hating me this morning. i actually cuddled up to him to make the grump insanely jealous and now the grump is cuddling with the unibomber- all 125 pounds of him. as long as the unibomber feels special... he will keep his big fat mouth shut and it could turn out to be a decent safe day after all. LMAO. SHOUT OUT BRONCO!

supreme law of the land

dear would it be done to a man also diary,

prove to me you are not a sexist. would you let a man get away with that? if you create a job specifically for a woman- you're a sexist pig. however, i am not about to do a man's job- like working in the sewer pipes or cleaning up dead rabbits in the road and fishing- i ain't manly enough to do all that- or be a garbage man. i don't even like to take my garbage out to the curb, but i am sure proud to recycle. so am i to be considered a sexist then? i can so deal with that. suck your own dick then.

#teamwhore (in the TOUR bus)

dear recruiting a new member for an already BIG team diary,

i know it is already pretty late in the summer to be making up teams, but this team has been forming for a LONG TIME. ima go out on my famous mystical  limb and say... "it ainta gunna be long before we get a new member ladies!" when this happens- it is my vote we extend the olive branch (not the limb i usually climb out on) and invite CUNTFACE (who we will be nice and NOT call cuntface anymore- we'll call her MOMMY) and this time.... mommy will meet and have all kinds of new friends with one SMALL thing in common. she wont just have the one whore friend with the monkey hat on (maybe i'll order a whole box full of monkey hats and WE'LL ALL WEAR THEM!) SHOUT OUT MOMMY CUNTFACE! WE CANT WAIT TO HAVE YOU JOIN OUR TEAM!

snot cup

dear damn it's good to post with dry eyes again diary,

i'm telling you.... posting over the past few weeks has been harder than a mother fucker. trying to type through the tears and muster up words to share when all i wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cuddle my dog and listen to every breath he drew in and out. second guessing everything i'd ever done and said, but i know to regret nothing and i fucking mean nothing- as of yet anyway. LMAO. damn, now they prolly WILL come for me. but the headlines will read the same.

the side of the sink

dear let me remind you diary,

i can lay down and type upside down now. it is a darn good thing too- because yesterday i didn't leave the bed (except to pee) until 7 PM and then i got right back in bed because i didn't realize i had wandered so far from my blanket. i made it to the stove in the kitchen. i got a little garbage sack and came right back. it's what made me happy at the time. i use a LOT of q-tips, especially lately since the dog quit dying. he had another yeast infection in his passenger side ear. fucking he always gets those. CHRONIC. the new meds have cleaned that shit right up- FINALLY- i'm so happy for river and his new lease on life. i don't ever want to know why the things that happened to me happened, but i want the world to know it changed me. i am a better person for knowing the truth. i will never stoop to that selfless level again. amen.

slappin hard balls

dear the humping session diary,

after being humped for an outstanding record amount of time, i found myself all sticky and icky and needing a cigarette. i smoked one soaking in a hot ass bath- where i sterilized my hair, face and body from all of the grump's slobber and other hump jizz left behind from his fun activity tonight. for a dying guy- he always had excellent stamina- i thought. now that he isn't dying anymore, i decided i'd let him continue to hump me until he is completely off the steroids. his urge is so strong when he is under the psychosis. i can hardly keep him off of me. sometimes i can just get him to 'lay still' when he is on top of me, but he always ends up humping me in the most cruel animal-istic manner. i like the way he breathes heavy on my neck though as he is really going to town. the first time the fucker pops a rod- we are gunna have issues. i can handle his balls slappin on my leg once in a while- but no poking.

now REPLAYING downtown

dear playing reruns can be exciting diary,

not yet rerated lol



tiny bananas (i said tiny)

dear appreciating the art of pudding diary,

cook and serve pudding is so much better than instant pudding. you can really tell the difference when it is all said and done. there is a gritty feeling in the instant world that you just dont have in the cook and serve world and it all comes from the same style box. that is what i find amazing- the box. you have to really pay close attention to the words or one can easily be fooled into getting the 'magic' pudding. witchcraft pudding- quick tom foolery- this instant pudding- TAKE THE TIME TO DO IT RIGHT. you will always be able to tell the difference. mmm.. and when my masterpiece is all together... the banana cream pudding and tiny bananas with real whipped cream and lorna doone cookies for the crust will BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND. every fucking time. pow pow. on the floor- naked wanting more.

norman, oklahoma (is where it's at)

dear people who are upset diary,

i feel much relief today. i think knowing how it all played out while the bag was over my head has made me a better- wiser- person. i am filled with the satisfaction of knowing that i ran from that.... so fucking fast i ran... while that piece of shit begged for more. i triumph in knowing that i am the one pinned with a RESTRAINING ORDER, when he is the one who begs for more- and not just from me... but from all of his past whores. i wish i would have charged him, fuck i didn't know he would actually pay- but you learn something new every fucking day- for sure. i could have used all that money. FUCKER.

please leave your pants on- i don't wannna fall in love

dear i never said it was okay diary,

i have never been a desperate person, nor have i played a desperate person on tv. the people i've known in my life to be desperate have been really fat, obscenely ugly, had teeth missing or an eye, or had some other deformity that caused them to cling to whatever seemed  to stick. i admit to chasing the unibomber twenty years ago though, well, we took turns chasing each other that is, because i, for the most part, was dick whipped. i'd never been fucked like that before- that shit was good. no shower in between fuckings even- oh my goodness- i'll never forget that smell. the power of sexual attraction is certainly strong and don't let anyone tell you it cant maintain some sort of relationship, because it can. but, when i need a friend- someone i can talk to, someone i can cry with, someone to laugh with, someone to share all the good and sweetest things in the world with, the tender quiet moments that two lovers should be able to share in each other with, that is where i must look and find my needs to be met somewhere else. it is hard for me to not fall in love. i do not know where to draw that line. i am getting much better at it. i've found leaving the pants on helps.

NEW WORLD C.O.D ORDER

dear everything might go away diary,

man. the joke was on me and i am not laughing. it isn't funny. it isn't cool either. nobody has ever done that to me before. fucking and i just found out the FULL extent. talk about a ponzi scheme. it wasn't a ponzi scheme though, it was a fonzi scheme. this is a story of how my life got turned upside down. yup. i whip my hair back and forth and i can do this because i have hair to whip. it ain't all short and cut off. i like my hair. don't think i could sacrifice an inch of it to save a cheating mother fuckers life, not ever again, nor his wife. for i am to the place where i am able to see, i'm the lucky one because i got free.

140 calories per serving

dear no worries diary,

after all of my inappropriate behaviors one might ask, "whore... what is the one thing you have learned from your experience that you could take most with you from all of this?" i would humbly ask for a few moments to collect my thoughts and organize my words to speak out loud and then i would clear my throat and proudly announce, "i am retarded, and i have an extremely sweet pussy, and i am not a whore like i once thought i was." i thought i could grow into the label, but it ain't gunna work out for me. turns out, thinking is what proved to be most difficult of the processes, for me anyway, hence the willingness to accept being retarded so easily. is that a talking dog?

the hotdog head matches

dear i have to ask diary,

would this be a camel toe straight on? LMAO ima say yes. i had it blown up but it just went to shit y'all. that is the cuntface and she is proud of her camel toe. yall want to see her head that goes with it? it'll have to be little bitty though because if i go blowing it up it will lose some of the quality. i dunno. prolly my junk ass computer because you know they only use the best shit over there. lol hold on here a minute. i wanna go and protect 

every one's privacy as much as i can so ima cut the hero's fat head out so you cant see him any. he tried real hard not to be in the picture anyways but somebody got him. LOOKING GOOD CUNTFACE! as always.

a walk in clinic

dear i need a cupcake diary,

ima get up from my bed in a few minutes and head off into the kitchen and get a cupcake and a nice big glass of whole milk and have me the very best little snack fest ever. i'm happy, excited and very much looking forward to scooting all the icing off with my index finger except a tiny bit and then eating up the cake and slammin the cold milk faster than a bitch- like in one huge ass gulp. i cant figure out what makes me want one so bad right now- i been fine all this time and then all of a sudden it hit me... the need. it looks like the time is gunna be sooner than later because i am off to see the wizard now.

silently yelling

dear guilt that overwhelms me diary,

when she listens to me and does what i say right away- sometimes that makes me feel very guilty- like maybe i shouldn't have asked. now she is under her crib pouting and i hate that even more because it's as if i've hurt her in some traumatic way, prolly injured her spirit forever. she will always remember me kinda yelling at her to get down from the bed tonight- it is etched in her mind- one of those packaged memory deals she will get blasted before her final breath. oooh i just had one right now- and i didn't have impending doom of any sort, i was loading on to the monorail train at disneyworld. there was a fatal accident on that mother fucker once- i couldn't imagine my death being on the way into disneyworld- but i suppose it can and does and did and could and will happen. it wont be me though- i'll never go to disneyworld again.... i'd go to disneyland first. they don't have the monorails there. i still cant believe they let the people die before they actually paid to get inside the park yet. is that considered good business- or not good business- to die before paying. i wonder what did make my mind think of all that- for i am not wearing ears that hang off of a hat. i don't know and really could care less, but becky has anxiety and that is why she chews her nails.

guitar land

dear watching the deadwood webcam diary,

stevie nicks is playing tonight. i used to have this giant black and white poster of her in my bedroom- the year... 1986 prolly... i had two of those posters, i may still have a picture of one of them around here somewhere- i was crazy about that poster. the return air conditioner vent in my blue room upstairs made the wall stick out and that poster fit perfectly on it. even after that room was painted beige with pretty red flower wallpaper my mom picked out on the south wall- it was still referred to as the blue room and still is to this very day. i had two bedrooms growing up as a kid. i only have one now. i still like stevie nicks though, and fleetwood mac. i can hear them in my head now. their music often makes me happy when i listen to it. really, i think being born when i was- it's prolly one of the toughest times in history. i'm in the sandwich generation where i'm not supposed to be old enough to know what is cool and young enough to tell you what is.  

bail bondsmen 1000 miles from home

dear the end of the earth diary,

i never did alot of cocaine. i ain't gunna say i never did any because i have. but my heart got to beating all fast and i sweat like i'd given birth six times in a closet and it gave me a headache afterwards. you can count how many times i've done it my whole life on three fingers. same with drinking. when i go on vacation though, it always pains me to leave my weed at home. i usually take a small amount with me because what would a vacation be without the essential vacation ingredient. i deem it fair too, because i go out of my way to assure the safety of fellow vacationers when i travel- meaning- i will mail my stash ahead of time- or drive instead of fly- or even have it waiting on me when i get there. i don't want to make anyone else feel that their travel plans should be any different because i want to be comfortable while i'm gone. but jail on vacation? that is a whole other story. i've been pulled over. i've gotten tickets. i've never gone to JAIL. mom and dad- car- bike AND KID...."step with me please...."

using my mouth in a DIFFERENT way

dear what i am about to tell you diary,

oh my goodness it feels so good to be awake today. my whole entire life feels different. i called over to champaign and thanked the doctor and students personally for restoring my dog to our family. it is so good to have the old grumpy shitass back. they nicknamed him, "mr intact man," and i am so happy he is intact. i feel like jumping up and down. but i would have to get out of bed in order to do that i'd reckon. i need to go pay my cell phone bill and run by my dad's house. so that is what ima do in a minute. what ima do is try to protect those who do not know in the meantime, because i had to find out on my own. while it is a choice for some who choose to wear the ring- it is my choice to pick which song i want to sing. and ima sing.

the chance part of it

dear where were you diary,

i know where i was today- three years ago on, eight eight eight. it was a friday. i'm really funny about numbers. numbers seem to guide me in all that i do. i listen to numbers. when gravity speaks the noise comes from the ground and the numbers will bounce from side to side. chances are if you wait long enough you can catch the end of a frequency and ride with it to the end of time. when you start to hear the clicking sound- it is time to let go and let the tail soar high into the air. then stand back as far away as you can- right then- because a letter may fly through your hair. do not reach forward to decode the envelope it came in, for you can not understand its message. only those who've sacrificed their blood can eat in the preacher's parsonage. go my friend and remember this day, as it has been just but three years since we did that. on august the 8th in the year 2000 and eight is nothing that you haven't done before baby.

multiple orgasms

dear the only way diary,

i asked the unibomber the other day what makes a man want to have sex with more than one woman at a time. he said you'd either have to have a whole lot of extra dick or need a whole lot of help. my big thing is- i would have a hard time waiting for my turn. i don't like to wait. i don't wanta wait. when i am ready for that dick i need it now. sometimes i'll get aggressive during sex. i like to bite. i like to be bitten. i think it would be cool to watch live sex while having sex and i've always wanted to watch the unibomber have some serious sex because i know that would be a show- but he wont do a porno film. we could be rich and famous.

he's all yours now CUNTFACE

dear pondering the rest of the day diary,

i've had so much to think about today. i was super mind fucked all day. wearing some body's shoes that aren't mine is not something i could get used to. i feel bad though i really do, especially since i found out today that i wore the stupid shoes once for a really long time and didn't know. that hurt- i am not gunna lie. it hurt because i knew- even back then i knew- but now i know- even though back then- like i said- I SWEAR I DID KNOW- i just wouldn't believe it. i learned my lesson and i thought anyone in their right mind would, but naw, some of us are still trolling. CURRENTLY, well as of july 25th, willfire (aka decaturfireman aka the hero) was turned down flat for extramarital sex. how disappointing for him. he must have gotten the ALL CLEAR from CUNTFACE, because i know he wouldn't step outside his sacred marriage and risk everything again- or think about having to get yet OTHER ORDER OF PROTECTIONS against other various women in different COUNTIES and shit. LMAO.

squishy brain cells

dear upside down on top of my head diary,

if i had a flatter spot on top of my head it would be much easier to stand on my head comfortably and i would prolly do it more. i think it would be good for my hair and ear lobes to send fresh blood up in that direction sometimes. not only that, my brain needs fresh blood. that's what keeps a fresh brain cooking. my brain hardly ever goes stale though- but every once in a while- it'll get crunchy around the edges. ima remember some things before i forget them. i have to.

and along comes a woman

dear i was so dumb diary,

 i've been beat at my own game. being a whore isn't easy and it takes a whole lot of practice, skill and luck. am i heartbroken? yeah that could be one way to describe the way i could let myself feel right now. pissed off? i am so used to feeling that feeling- a little bit longer of feeling that wont hurt, i wouldn't think. amazed? now there is a word i wouldn't have thought about pasting here, but i just did and i'll leave it. but i think the bestest word i can come up with today is.... DUMBFOUNDED. here i am almost six years into what i thought would be a temporary phase, and i'm now set into a deep pattern of a learning cycle and finally nearing the end of my semester. i am graduating and moving my whore tassel to the correct side of my cap. i am not the whore i once thought i was. sometimes my spatial reasoning can be off, but thanks to a lady i met, i now know my shit is right on target. SHOUT OUT ROGER! I FUCKING LOVE YOU MAN!

the gray area in a black frame

dear boogers in my eye and burps still diary,

waking up is always something to look forward to because then i get to go back to sleep- which is really my favorite part. i love to drift off. usually i do. once in a while there is a sharp contrast between being awake and asleep and it's painful- but only after i have waited far to long to make the transition. i feel bad for ignoring the goat the other day, but not bad enough to do anything about it. i'm like a child who has learned not to touch a hot stove, eleven years later. sleep calls me back and i must go. but don't think there wont be an increase back in my postings. there is no excuse for what i've been through these past three weeks and SOMEONE NEEDS THEIR TIRES SLASHED, but now where would i even GET an idea like that from? SHOUT OUT CUNTFACE! what would i do without you?