stones that challenge me

dear skiing isn't for me, even tho i have the boots diary,

when i got fitted for the skis i knew i would never use them. i admit they look famously awesome hanging up in the rafters in the basement- but i rarely ever look at them. i am not attracted to men who wear scarves- as a general rule- however as a lifesaving device or frantic effort to sustain warmth at a weenie roast- go for it. maybe upon a future trip to aspen- my skis will come in handy, until then- they'll hang as decoration. fuck winter anyways. that is my philosophy. i used to get the shivers really bad. i would like go into what i would describe as a seizure almost. my teeth would uncontrollably chatter and i couldn't talk and my nipples would hurt- and i would shake something terrible. i wouldn't even go outside. it happened during the day and night. for a whole winter season. it was really scaring me awful. so i stayed in bed. i stayed in bed under many blankets. people took turns bringing me my mail. eventually- the spring came and i was able to open a window and get further from my blankets. i folded each blanket after washing them and placed them in garbage bags to store for the next round of coldness. however, in the years that would come and pass- i never had the internal coldness as i had experienced before. now i had the blood of a hot fucking whore.

my shoe is here

tyson chicken nuggets and warm chocoloate pudding

dear missippi saturday night diary,

i will never understand basketball on tv. they move so fast you can't keep track of just one. they dance around and jump up and down and wiggle and all the loud sounds- i am easily confused. it might be easier if they would leave the camera steady- but they try to help. i finally had to turn it. i am starting to get hungry at last- i figured i never would again- i never i got them eggburps either- a treat all on its own. i am totally excited to report tho- i have pancake syrup in my hair- i certainly do not know who did that to me- i didn't put it in there. i do not have the ability to rewind the clock to find out who make a mockery of my locks. iffin i could reach up and fuck with the hands of time, it would not be to view my hair- you could bet your lucky dime. i would turn the calendar back to august 2005- just before katrina came and i'd warn everyone to keep people alive. then i would go to the north side of town- and knock on the door where the people had just moved in- and i would tell the owner of the lil s10 blazer what her husband did. driving his little qtpie car around looking so fucking stupid- i would tell her right away how wrong it was of cupid- to leave her with a man who sucked dick better than she can.

no comment

yummy goat mouth









short trip (can bring friends)

dear going away again diary,

it looks like ima have to make a trip again, i listened to my voicemail. i hate voicemail. ima get rid of it. i don't leave messages for anyone and i don't expect anyone to leave a message for me- but they do- and i am assuming they assume i listen to them. most of the time tho- i don't. but i saw 914 called yesterday- so i listened to see if he left a message- and he did. to those of you who don't know or can't remember, 914 is my new 'boss' in new york. he writes my checks- or signs them anyway- i call him 914- because that is the area code he calls from. he wants me to attend a conference and meetings with the house at the end of the month. AND i am supposed to have my pictures done by then. he calls our office the house. to me- all of the departments with-in the whole company would make the house- but he says is all the time and i ain't correctin anybody. i haven't gotten my white shirt yet, nor made an appointment for the photo, back to my old tricks. i guess i haven't figured out the whole grand scheme of the things yet- i am sure it will be much easier when i got my finger in the pie- and my eye in the sky- but from the sidelines over here- it seems pretty simple- you tell me what you want- and i'll give it to you.

blank check

dear Heaven is just a bath away diary,

you know, as human beings there are many things that bring us pleasure on a regular basis and we tend to seek those behaviors out and repeat the ones that bring us great satisfaction. that is no secret. right? if it is a secret then- i just let the cat out of the bag. and more- i fell in love with my bathtub again last night. it brings me more pleasure than anything i have ever known. the water- the hot hot water- coming from the faucet- going across me in that perfect way- instantly- and i do mean instantly- causing every hair on my body to stand and every muscle in my body to collapse- simultaneously- and then i breathe again. oh that feeling. what a feeling. a feeling with no face.

blowing off the rescue boots

dear up up up again and rolling in cookie dough diary,

so.. highlow.. what do you know? i am awake again. dreams of a hotel fresh on my mind. i like them. becky is sniffin my elmo hat- i might have to do something about that in the near future- but she quit- she is lucky. she has not chewed up anything since my doc marten boot- and that pissed me off something terrible too- it was a sentimental boot- but i kept the one- for the smithsonian, in case they ever set up an exhibit- to show how far i have come. i have the first pair of boots as well, the ones from 2000, but you guys don't know about them- yet. i have the boots from 1996, and my shoe from 1983. i've mentioned those before in my other blog- which i am updating when i feel like it- so i dunno- it'll be finished eventually. idgaf really. i dragging ass today and i know you don't care- but iffin i do see anyone out in public- please do not stare. i am fixin to leave cuz i got a few things to do- but i ain't dressing up for it so good for you. i hope i see cuntface mommy with my baggy pants on- i'll still smile at her cuntface and she will turn me on. if i pass out and fall to the floor- maybe some sick fucker will fuck me like a whore. i know her husband woulda- if he was on the rescue squad that came you see- but its not a safe day today- lucky for me.

good night people

dear early to rise- fast track to bed diary,

you can see my wings. i am getting ready to fly to the bed. so fast. ollie ollie all free. or however that goes. i ain't playing around. ima wake up with the heartburn or eggburps too. it will suck. if i had one wish- it would be that eggburbs did not exist. but they do. oh well. nothing fajitas wont cure. thats what i always say. i got some noodles at the bake sale. ima make them bitches later. you better believe it. with that leftover roast. oh my. i am already in my pajamas again and i already know who ima dream about (shout out mr. snow) and becky is waiting and my eyeballs are draggin ass. what a shocker today you guys. i cried and giggled all the way home. nothing makes me feel better than when someone says, "ive known you your whole life and you haven changed a single bit." to me- good- bad- sad- happy- ugly- beautiful- i think that is AMAZING. that is a wicked feeling to the core. i am truly blessed. i will always have myself. thank you to mr. clark for pointing that out.

breakfast anyone?

dear seeing the future while eating sausage and burping lettuce diary,

i never did like to eat pancakes much, with fake syrup especially- or fake butter. margarine just ain't my thing. 2% milk at room temperature doesn't trip my trigger either, but mr. snow made my heart sing. he invited me over to his house again, and this time i humbly accepted, but when i told him i stawked him often and dreamed of him steady- he smiled and still seemed ready. so i gave him one more chance to back out- i said, "are you sure you aren't scared of me yet," he said he was, "leary," and smiled real big and said, "i'd better get my rear end over there." it was at that moment i saw in his eyes something i'd never seen before, he was trying to tell me something- something much more. he's been trying to talk with me since january 2007. i ignored his request- and did my best today to explain why- he understood- as i hoped he would- or at least i'd hoped he would try. so now i am nervous to enter that world- because it is one where i don't belong. i wouldn't know how to act or how to feel- or how to get along. i have never been given a chance like that- to be a real person- ive always been so content being the second class citizen. behind the scenes- the one to be mean to- the one to kick around- the one to laugh at- the one to poke fun at- not the one to wear a crown. i am a criminal- remember- i ain't worth shit- i pass out and pee my pants- better yet- here's one better- i told everyone i have herpes in my pants.

 

missing in action

dear missing at large diary,

at the tobacco shack is an interesting place to hang out if you're looking for love, or your husband if you want to shove him through a window if you wanted to- i'm just sayin- iffin the timing was right- and all. it ain't my husband to bash heads with- or slam into a wall- there ain't nothing for me to be harsh to- nothing at all. i sat and ducked down in the seat i did- my heart was pounding tho- i just wanted to go. but i had to sit there- for what seemed to be forever- peeping over the door leather- i'm officially an official creeper now.

bye

dear unknown idiot diary,

i had a comment earlier, on it's a small world, someone said i was an idiot- and i erased it. i wish i wouldn't have done that now- so please feel free to leave your comment again- i will let it go on there this time- i don't know why i did that. anyway i made it home with william in tow- we had a really nice time today- but now i have to go. i am late and i have to run but i will see you later- behave tonight- have fun y'all. oxoxxxooxoxox

every little thing he does (is magic)






i love you



it's a small world afterall

dear havent left yet, right diary,

i'm still here. fucking fuckers. tick tock. my hair is brushed out tho. i look amazingly closer to normal than one would expect. my head kindof has a tweek to it- i am ignoring that- someone needs to check the brake fluid in the car before it goes the distance. seems like the pedal was crispy- and it's never been that way before in that car. i cashed my check yesterday- spent some- and then replaced it last night when i got home from work. i'll prolly work again tonight- but nobody has called me in yet. im ready when they do. nobody believed that a man was suing disneyland for being left in the SMALL WORLD ride- but after i sang the song they play in the dark cold tunnel all night last night and drove everyone crazy- i think they understood- finally. i feel bad for that guy. ida sued too. that song is creepy.

not changing diapers tho

dear operator operator diary,

can you get me through decatur? i need to leave town real fast and i need to be gone right now. get me out the door real fast- i swear i will stop for gas. the unibomber had a son last night- in my dream- but every time i would hold him- that baby would let out a scream. it had darker hair than our son did, but oh the unibomber was proud- so proud of his new son. i was happy for him too- watching him carry around that tot- i knew what that meant for me- it meant we were done and he had a happy life and a beautiful wife and now a new son. i was very content in my dream- i didn't seem upset- and that baby sure was one of the sweetest ones that i have ever seen yet.

new small business

dear again diary,

its me. i'm really up now. so i talked to rosa last tonight. we had a heart to heart. we do that allot when it is just her and i. there are many unique qualities about rosa and i try to tell her. i don't think that anyone ever has taken the time before. i told her too, that if i ever get into a position, that i wanted to employ her. at first she didn't understand. i explained it like this. painters and welders, and construction workers all have tools. they have hammers and welders and nails and paint brushes. well, rosa is a tool for me. she inspires me. she helps me gather material from the air. i don't know how else to say it- but i told her- i am a word farmer and she is my mexican. so she agreed to come and work for me. i told her i did not know how much her salary would be yet, but its official, i started my company yesterday. i told her she would have every monday off and we would never work before noon.

see you later alligator

dear there goes the morning train diary,

i never made it to bed yet. i heard the train. i started thinking about what i would wish in a perfect day instead. would they include a visit with you- my nails scratched across your back- the smell of your skin- the taste of your kiss- yes they would in a perfect day- in a perfect world where i am not. it doesn't make me sad to think of things such as this- because i have had them once before- except the world wasn't perfect then and the days sure sucked- and that's when i became this whore. but the smell of your body and the taste of your kiss was so powerful- i can not describe- i hope that your prostitute enjoys it like i did. now i am going to bed. the train has left the building.

working for the weekend

dear waking up with the hiccups sucks diary,

i woke up with the hiccups about twenty minutes ago, and it is really pissing me off that they wont go away now you know. i have sat here and said, 'watermelon' at least a hundred times- i just keep on snorting and hiccuping- i am about to lose my mind. i am starting to panic and get all sweaty feeling- i dunno how this is gunna turn out- i want to puke. oh wow just now- i though they were gone- then i done it again- of course i was wrong. who fucking does this at four in the morning, i dunno either, but my life is never boring. maybe to some it is but not to me, for some just wake up in the night just to pee. shh, don't look now but i just held my breath- nothing since i did that but i am not jumping ahead. just when you think you have kicked them in their ass- a hiccup will sneak up on you and bite you real fast. this time tho i think i got them kids- the fuckers are gone for good. i am going back to bed now before they come back or some shit. i was having a really good dream too- where i was the prostitute. maybe that's how my airflow was disrupted.... you never know...shoooooooot...........

great shittunes of today

dear i dunno what you're gunna do diary,

but i'm going to bed. i don't even know why i am still up. fact. i gotta go get prince william tomorrow. i cant wait to see him. it'll be nice to spend time with his silly ass. i get a kick out of him. he is a great person. he's excited about stawking with me. we have allot to accomplish. i am torn between the path of the logical way one would assume we would take and the responsible way- i am almost certain the responsible way will bottom out. talk about no surprise. i am all about the boogie man. so put that blindfold on and get the pinata out pinto bean- start swinging- let's get the candy out. everyone start scramblin like eggs on the floor for that shit. i just want one tootsie roll. when i first saw the colorful package we are supposed to break open- i thought of your pumpkin head- and of the pumpkins i saw along side of the road today. who put those there? that's stupid. inspire me. i need that tool again.

and i'm supposed to be the whore (here)

dear friends in high places diary,

if monday was a kelly day then that is where the prostitute went. rosa said she looked about my height and had makeup smeared on her face. here is the part that made me laugh out loud and i know is the truth- rosa said she went into his apartment and was there for only a few minutes. i know that was an easy twenty bucks for two minutes worth of pussy. that got me thinking and then i got pissed- i saved that fucker all kinds of money. he got whatever sex he wanted and free lunch- it's almost funny. then he would go home and beg for his bone that mommy just might give him. beg for a crumb- because he was so fucking dumb- when he had it all right in front of him. oh but he didn't want that- as a matter of fact, he just wanted to use me, and then i got smart- turned his game into art- now i'm the criminal- him subliminal- and cuntface rules the earth supreme. you advertise your dick- you wanted that fucker licked. and there ain't nothing illegal about that. but you never paid me.

some things never change (and never will)

dear my kid still won't stop screaming in his room diary,

i think he might be on his phone, he's playing sudoku again and it infuriates him and it makes me laugh out here. he used to get mad when he was a baby- his toys would piss him off- by gawd he would stomp his feet and things would fall from his window down to the yard. his little men and trucks back then- i would run them over with the mower- i always had to raise the blades cuz the unibomber kept them lower. he really would cry- and i should never write this down- but i would purposely run over the barbies- thank goodness it was a stage- for he was mad with rage- when he found them bitches in the garbage. he got them out and boy did he shout- "MOM YOU KILLED MY BARBIES." looking my son in the eye i could not tell him i was sorry. he hated me for a while- but that wasn't in style, 'a boy playing with dolls,' well, fifteen years later- he's pretty much straighter- and the barbies thank God are still dead. he's still kindof weird- almost has a beard- and drives like an old lady. now he mows over my stuff in the yard- and he's the one who is shady.

stop asking me (i don't know)

dear learning about free trial offers diary,

looking at the website, i try to block my memory. i know it is wrong, but i keep the game going. i do it out of compassion. when doing the right thing is complicated, knowing the truth causes pain. sometimes it is best to bury your head in the sand. you should be furious with me. i wish i had done things differently, but there is nothing i would change. and what i did came from the heart. avoid responsibility- my motto for life. to make things right, bottom line- we are all human- we all make mistakes- how to forgive the person who made one. you can believe what you want to believe in. you can live with your hate. one day at a time- when are you expecting a release of your guilt? not soon. what if i'm right. what if i'm not? what if you're left with the conclusion that there is a point where nobody is right- not even you.

up early to shine

dear hungry like a wolf diary,

i have never been this hungry. i could eat the arm off my couch. i ain't picky either. the one on this end doesn't look any different than the one on the other end- and i don't need any condiments- or a bun. fucking i would just tear into it. i am serious. i didn't put a thing in my mouth this morning while i was cleaning- and stood and looked at honey roasted cashews the whole time. i didn't want to have to brush my teeth again. am i lazy or what? i already know i am to a certain degree, so you don't have to agree. i just love today. today today today. yup. first shift thurdays are so kick to the ass. not only are they SAFE DAYS they are THURSDAY SAFE DAYS. it doesn't get much better that that. i get to be myself today. if i wanna be ugly- i can wear my hair up. if i wanna be pretty- it'll be down- and all my makeup will be on and my smile will be bright. even when i am ugly my steps are always light- i've found. i get to cash my check today that came in the mail, my third one from new york- i still think it is unreal. actually this one is my second- for stuff that i've submitted- the first check was because i told them i committed. i will eventually have to move- and that will be just fine- because then my checks will increase- but i will have less time- to spew my boring drivel 41 times per day- but trust me when i write here and tell you- i will take the time to never ever go away.

i will. i am. ima work man

dear before i go to bed this popped into my head diary,

remember all those times,
you came knocking at my door,
then i let you in
and you fucked me like a whore
then i made you leave
and you never understood
why id never let you hang around
and how you always wished you could
and how you tried to hold me
but i made you get up and go
how i always made a joke and laughed
so you never would know
well
i thought you were an asshole
and you didn't deserve my time
but you entertained me for a few minutes
so sometimes i didn't mind.
but the hours we spent talking
got boring after a while
and the clothing that you wore
had no style.
your voice sounds like a woman's
and you can't fuck worth a damn
your wife says you snore at night
but then she's a fucking sham.
i don't know and i don't care
but you are a piece of work man
i don't know and i don't care
but i will be over this soon.

i will. i am

another all nighter in the soup kitchen doin the cracks

dear cleaning my cupboards diary,

man sleeping all day can keep a person up all night but it sure makes way for a quiet time to clean the cupboards out properly. i'd go to mcdonalds but i know how i would get there and i know i would have heartburn and a burning heart- so i ain't going. hail naw. i would iffin it was 50 out. even then- it would be a tough decision. i thought about making me some scrambled eggs with tiny ham bites in them, but, i don't have any cottage cheese. so fuck it. mcdonalds doesn't either. now i want pancakes. and they don't give me heartburn. but you should see my damned ass cupboards. one word- wow. two words- oh wow. seven words- you should see the dogs right now- they are precious. omfg- the snake just woke them up. i was going to take a picture. so waking up later will really be nice having the clean floor cracks and cleaned out cupboards and all. i wont know where i am. i think i will make vegetable soup and go to bed at some point. that will prolly be my breakfast. but you know how much i love soup. i think i could live on soup. i hope everyone has a safe and great day at work today. ima go to bed- after i start the soup.

around the block (with a chicken cock)

dear powering up by itself diary,

say a little prayer, do a little dance- my floor is the cleanest in wonderland alice. you saw that didn't you? you don't miss nothing. i guess you deserve a reward. here i am. lets go get us an indian down the alley. i don't think anyone is home- check around back. don't break your arm. why don't you get a megaphone and announce our arrival. look at this. ok you just better drop that or he's gunna get another one. put that damn phone down. hey look, i don't care what it sounds like to you but i went a couple of rounds with that and i got the short end of the stick. when you build the worlds most powerful force- even the windshield wipers don't want to work. no time for coffee my friend. let's do this. most people think after an accident every year it goes away after you see a movie. get a blackberry with a golden ticket- and your tooth enamel will filter water in a perfect world and flow into your home. then even your floor will remain clean inside the deep cracks demonstrations of awesome capabilities for further action on reservations- territories once and still owned by the indians in the alley. to the feathers. 

mop and glow

dear just got the mail diary,

holy fucking shit. i just got the mail and a check sat out in my box and froze all day while i laid in my bed and slept. how sad. i coulda went to the bank and been had that bitch cashed. oh well. i didn't need anything yesterday. i lived all day without leaving the bed. i just took the garbage to the curb because i remembered before they were on my block. sometimes i amaze myself. like earlier, when i mopped half my floor in the kitchen. omg. it looked clean until i mopped it. sometimes i think becky might be better off living in the pound- then i can see her sleeping in my arms next to me in bed and slap myself in the head. my dog may stand on a dirty floor to eat out of a sparkling bowl- but she sleeps in a clean bed. honestly- i don't see how the floor was that dirty. i eat off of it all the time. once you get the knife into those cracks tho- the dirtballs really start to grow... and grow. they soon turn into piles. then a mound. pretty soon there is a hill of dirt gathered- and it becomes a challenge- can i make a mountain. i prolly could- but here comes the grump- trampin through it- back into the cracks again. that's when i bust the vacuum out and take care of business. but sucking never works til you carve it out first. i know my floor- and it knows me. i love my kitchen floor and it loves me.

chained to the youth basket

dear growin up diary,

growing up with the notion i would someday be a grown up, i realize- that was just another dream. i am still the same kid i was when i was little- my hands just got more skin on them now and i don't chew my nails anymore. i also have more patience and i can cook better. but as soon as my kid leaves- and becomes of age- i will have the same responsibilities i had as a child- none. except taking out the garbage and feeding my dog. and what's weird about that- as an older child- i don't even mind doing that anymore. i have a difficult life. i am so fortunate living comfortable in the palm of the favored hand. i don't know why it is so hard to think about changing- to give up nothing is so difficult, but it may have to be done.

hey hey hey

dear sleeping all day diary,

i wasnt kidding when i said i was gunna rest all day and get ready for tomorrow. i got up and went back to bed and i just got up again. i have plans tonight tho- in the middle of the night. ima mop the floor in the kitchen- deep in the cracks- with my special knife and bucket. step up and need to be changed? there is so much that needs to be changed around here. i wish i could run for office, i would first outlaw beer. then i would legalize pot and sell it at an economic rate, and give it to all senior citizens- so they would never have to wait. i would change so many things and so many people would be happy- the crime rate would be non-existent and we could open up most of the jail as a homeless shelter. there would have to be one pod left open for the die hard criminals- because we all know that there are some that will never change their ways- but it sure would give the homeless something to do- serve the jailbirds their soup trays. then i would make the weekend last from friday until monday and nobody would return to work or school until tuesday. no business would open until noon, and everything would close at midnight and that is the way it should be, nobody wants to get up at eight in the morning- that is stupid as stupid can be. then i would put prozac in the city water supply- and everyone would get along- and to all local government employees after ten years of service- they would get an engraved bong. we would have the best run city in the fucking state- people would beg for me to become president- but some would really hate that idea and protest me all the way- because they wouldn't want the white house filled up with all the 'hay.' got news for all you haters- the 'hay' is already there- pull your heads out of your asses and do a bong you square.

we fly high.. no lie.. we bowling

dear up up up and away diary,

tomorrow is my favorite day. some people wonder why. i really really love my thursday's, and telling my reasons- i am not shy. friday's all the idiots get paid and run out to the bars- and saturday's every kid is out of school and playing in their yard. sunday's i like too, but they don't have that special feel- i fucking HATE monday's omfg and i could not be more for real. tueasday's offer hope for me- maria cleans my house- and wednesday's i rest all day to prepare to leave my house- cuz when thursday gets here- i throw down and let it all hang out- i run around all giddy and sing and scream and shout. i slip on my tight jeans- and put on my favorite boots- and then i go to work and make tons of fucking loot. i get lots of extra material on thursday's- depending on who is there- i pick up lots of refreshing comments floating in the air. then i bring them home- and make them my own- send them to new york- and weave them in and out of my spew- in my public blog to you. it feels like my birthday- once every week- every single thursday- i'm as happy as can be. especially on a safe day- that makes it even better- and it's supposed to be 41 degrees tomorrow.... isn't that clever.

napping in cupcake land

dear hungry for a cupcake again diary,

my hands are looking old. i cake the lotion on them all the time- i think i will start saving for a handlift. i feel like a cupcake today. but i need a nap. i got up way to early for my liking. my plants are all looking shabby. thank goodness we got a month left. much more of this winter shit and i dunno, they would be dead prolly. every year they look like this. i got pictures of the windows open march 5th last year. its coming kids. ima go back to bed. gotta rest up for tomorrow.

picknick pickdick

dear dancing under the picknick table diary,

if it rains- bottom line- we are still getting wet. would you believe- i have never danced with a man? i don't even know how. i have always wanted to. i don't know if i could stand being touched that long. i dance with becky. could you imagine not being touched during the act of sex? i can. i couldn't imagine not touching- not exploring everytime. then, a tiny drink of water- a drop of sweetness on my tongue- turned in to poison and darkened the brightest of sun. all the love filled moments were tainted with the lies and i could not even see that with my star filled eyes. wide open and dried up, it is plain to see- it wasn't in the cards for him and me. LOL that was a cheap line- here let me write it like this again.. wide open and dried up, it is plain to see- it wasn't in the cards for him and his cuntface wife either. 

stereophonics, ltd

dear hot blonde, says roger in my diary,

yup that's me. oh yeah. hot from head to toe- most certainly. all hundred and forty pounds of me- all in my middle section- with my eye color that of shit and my ass flat as it gets- i am one extremely hot chic. yup. i am hot alright cant you tell? and my snatch down there- at one time IT DID SMELL but it sure doesn't anymore- ima cleaned up whore- i'm not around the city employee anymore. no, i ain't proud of where i have been. but i am proud of what i could have been. the potential i have would blow your mind- i truly am 'ONE OF A KIND,' and now that i ain't for sale anymore- i call myself a whore- isn't that ironic- the irony in it all? seriously tho, i know what i am worth now, because the man in new york pays me, but i am waiting for the man who i want to love and lay me. i don't think i know him yet- at least i hope i don't, because nobody around here i am able to trust. and i am worth the fuss.

the early worm gets the bird 11/10/10

dear diary,

omg i fell asleep holding my breath. omg i woke up blue, but i woke up. i pushed refresh on my computer and omg, i jumpt up and down, i got more tylenol. i just woke up, as you can tail, i am a bit, EXCITED, for it is AFTER BUSINESS HOURS, why YES, it it it it is VURGINYAH, and tomorrow is a HUHOHOHOLIDUHAY, why YES it it it it is VURGINYAH, and this is just making my headache worse- i need to lay back down. and i will.

i love it that it gets so dark now at 5:30. it makes sleeping so much more easier- but way more confusing when i wake up, like for a coupla seconds, i wondered if it was 522am when i woke up, but gauging on the traffic level, i knew better. its so nice to be able to leave my cellphone laying around. i fell asleep and didn't have the all points on my phone and five years ago today, thadda sent me into a WORLDWIDE panic. funny how things change. not anymore, i could gaf less who sees my phone now- hail put the son of a bitch on the news for all i care- oh wait DUN THAT.

why is becky itchin? ima oatmeal bath her. i think her skin is dry. the old grump ain't itchin. poor girl. she looks like a mutt today. we all do i told her, "God hates us all," i say. she is the sweetest lil thing ive ever set eyes on, but she can snap in a quarter second- LOVE it. yeap shes needin the oatmeal bath. ain't gunna hurt her.


tomorrows gunna be FUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

in the parking lot of my back pocket 11/10/10

last seen, act one; last scene.

take 41.

STOP.

ACTION

FREEZE

and

CUT.

take five pills per day, add cream whenever necessary, do not expose others, wash your hands, do not feed the animals.

the end.

prolly is the word 11/10/10

dear diary,

now what do you think that guy on the bike was lookin at when he just rode by my house? he rides by EVERYDAY and NEVER looked beforel what caught his eye like that today i wonder? im glad he didn't wreck, ida felt bad. was it my jeans? yeah they're kinda new, my pink see-thru shirt? prolly not, my black bra? doubt it, i bet it was my hair .im sure that was it. ive always found the fella to be interesting looking, as he wears the same hat and glasses every day. i always wonder where he rides to and why he doesnt own a car. but im glad he doesn't have a whorn to honk. i often wonder if he has a wife to text. LMAO

off to blono

xoxoxo

get a wife (avoid a lawsuit) 11/10/10

dear diary,

i just watched that video from youtube again. i love it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enpFde5rgmw simply brilliant. oh how i wish i could make one of those, cept i highly doubt mine would be that inspirational. i mean it would for me, and to others like me, (if there are any) and there is no doubt that my video would make national news too, and i suppose i could make a parody of my own video, one that could inspire those who aren't like me (the majority) just to be politically correct, and to avoid lawsuits, class action ones especially, but oh whale.

i never thought i would make an entry again so soon, but i just decided to take a bath and have my girl run me up to blono and do lunch and shit so i may not enter again all afternoon and so i wanted to get another fix in b4 i exit the premises for the moment. i feel the need to purchase yet another FREEPEOPLE design of the sort, possibly a layer shirt or another sweater, i dunno, i might just come home with a pair of knee high socks and a push up bra.

so im outta here. y'all have a fab day- and i have decided to basically ignore all yawls emails till they regain substance, because they are sucking donkey twat. get a life or get a wife cuz y'all are BORING me to tears. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

whora whora whora (the explora) 11/10/10

dear diary,

tomorrow is the big day again and oh how i love thursdays anymfway but still. i went to bed with a headache and woke up with the bitch and drank tylenol last nite before bed, during the middle of the nite, and just now, and the pos is still insisting on HANGING around, at least it cant honk. my doc thinks that one of my nerves got pinched when that bastard rubbed my neck so hard- because while he may have had TRAINING, he is not a certified MASSAGE THERAPIST and an incorrectly performed intense NECK MASSAGE can do damage to the nerves that run through to your BRAIN and can cause headaches for YEARS and since ive had my headaches since MARCH/APRIL of 2006 AND BEEN RECEIVING EXTENSIVE TREATMENT SINCE THAT DATE, it is entirely possible that an IMPROPER NECK MASSAGE ON CITY PROPERTY caused my ongoing headaches.

moral of that story:

don't let a fat mf touch your neck. you could pay for it FOR YEARS AND YEARS TO COME.

im so glad i have the day off today. a vacation finally. my vest has potato soup all down the front of it and my boss said that it has to be washed and pressed before i can do my next shift. i guess the TIDE pen i stole ain't gunna do it this time, my dad wont miss that pen, and ima write to the company and suggest they make lil moist TIDE towelettes exclusively for Target. just think of the royalties ill jack in on that shit. i ordered my nametags at work. they're gunna say "Whora the Expolra" i hope i don't get in trouble. they have no sense of humor there. my boss ain't gay like my old boyfriend was.

i changed the password (11/9/10)

hows that wireless internet account at at&t goin for ya on pershing?
lol
im so happy ur able to pay yer own monthly payment now.
lol
and thank you for not renting anymore PORN and VIDEO games on my FAMILY VIDEO ACCOUNT
(i made sure ur fat stupid ass cant do it anymore)
lol
i told you to "leave me be"
lol
you had to honk
lol
i spent my irs check with american pride and honor
lol
at the lawyer
lol
im just glad we never had a child
lol
really glad.

and lol

you can keep the crockpot.

melted krayons taste awful 11/9/10

dearest diary,

oh my, i love that video.

the tension is ultra thick in the air tonight, and to further add to it, the cops came back again. LOL i swear. at least they didn't drawl they guns on my kids again (the dogs) boy ida been really upset then. i dunno, gettin woke up by 'em and gettin put to sleep by 'em, all in one day, really is exciting. i swept the porch off hee hawl.

now the deal is ima try to stay awake for an hour and make a crayon cake, lol i mean karrot kake, shit i mean carrot cake lol damn, screw backspacin, i like errors. its a heavier cake and takes longer to cook. i like carrot cakes myself, dunno bout anyone else out there in the big ole world, but mmm, its all about me, so i dunno.

the emails have slowt down. but ive noticed the personals have picked up. i dont reply to anything- anywhere- with the exception of on here, to my open public diary. lol. i "LOL" because i do find that funny for several reasons i will now list:
1: i just do (think its funny)
2: if im not gonna reply to a private email, chances are im PROLLY not gunna answer a personal ad tailored to me either
3: i find it so "ballsy" that you can reply to my posts but not post on the board
4: its just all so so so so cute.

someone needs to adjust the temperature on the water heater. we are running out of hot water to fast. i cant take a bath and do a load of hot laundry with the dishwasher running anymore and add hot water to my bath after 25 minutes cuz there ain't nun. and that's a boner killer. so if its already up all the way then we need to seriously consider doin something else cuz i cant live like that much longer. thank you

im hungry now you should make some icecream to go with the crayon cake-- bitch.

full throttle you tubbin 11/9/10

dear diary,

no, i will not get you a pop. you did nothing to keep that beast off of me while i tried to take a nap, EVERY TEN MINUTES HE WAS AT TOP MOUNT AND FULL THROTTLE HUMP, and where were you? but standing in the doorway WATCHING? how sick is that? get your own fuckin pop. and word to the wise- DON'T LEAVE IT SETTIN AROUND.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enpFde5rgmw
i really love my hair i love my haircutter woman, and i love her chair, and i love her little ass in her pants she wears, and she is so funny. and my haircutter lady was so happy i didn't go to jail. she was really glad to hear how everything turned out. i miss my old haircutter woman, but she got so crowded and busy, and so many other city employees went there, i decided to change haircutter places alltogether, AND BOY I'M GLAD I DID.

so damn ima go for a minute. ill be back tho. watch that youtube video. it made me smile really big, several times. LMAO wish they had a white girl version. i almost got fired at work today for singin it. LOLOLOLOL

naked again 11/9/10

dear diary,

i brought home another dude to take a shower and tempers flared and mouths foamed, and neighbors talked, again, but in the end, it was so fun, and there are strings of soap all over the walls in the shower- we took turns slingin it all over each other, and the water temperature was perfect and i kept it on hose the entire time which made it even more fun, and i think we ended up using half the bottle of soap and everyone sat outside the bathroom door and listened to us frolic and laugh, i felt kindof guilty but its not everyday you get an offer like that so i accepted, most willingly, and after we were done, i think i was more thirsty than he was, and we both had a bottle of water on the porch and trimmed our nails and i took him home. now im afraid ima need a bath and a nap and ill be ready to start the day again. they shore don't twain you four dat at tawgit

counting flours on the wall 11/9/10

dear diary,

so i woke up this morning to the cops at my door, i was scared and almost didn't answer but the curiosity got the cat and i FLEW to answer and couldn't remember how old i was, had to do MATH at 8am  damner i hate adding that early, but i musta passed the TEST lol and went back to bed and just got up, i missed 6 phonecalls already, but not the appointment for my hair, so im good. anyway, the cops loved my pajamas and becky, everyone loves becky, but the grump didn't make any friends, he never does, his autism gets the better of him.

indian summer. oh my. i dreamed about my dads wallpaper in the kitchen last night. there was some special documentary on it on tv, lol its vintage and the lady said if you take pictures of it you can see different images in it, and interpret various meanings according to how the pictures were framed when they were taken, lol SO NOW I WANT TO GO OVER AND TAKE A BUNCH OF PICTURES OF HIS KITCHEN WALLS just to see what it would look like as pictures. the lady in my dream said his wallpaper was extremely rare to find these days and in MINT condition. i always thought that wallpaper was buttass ugly, and now, i just don't know anymore, i may keep it forever.

i washed my hair and combed it out already for the haircutter. i should get a big discount. my hair is such a bitch to comb. i did half the work for her. alls i gotta do now is brush my teef and find my other boot and presto. the cops said they'd PROLLY be back. lol how fun.

ttyl

tanning in mexico 11/8/10

dear diary,

forgot to go to the bank today, my first paycheck might be DD'ed. yawn, what a great nap that was. baths really wear me out tho. plus i was so emotionally exhausted from my prayer (and why wouldn't i believe in GOD? what? because of my foul mouth, or because I listed 'muslim' on my facebook- you put me in with the non-believers? and why would you be afraid to bash me on the board? i felt bashed? do it publicly, so that i may FAIRLY bash you back) anyway YAWN, i cant quit yawning, the dogs have stored up energy all day long and ms. beckers is on a rampage.
tomorrow i get ALL my hair cut off and dyed gray. i think its gunna be so cute. especially now with my new red uniform and white jacket i for real just bought. ima be way to smokin hot for my own good. i still cant bring myself to hang out at the bar yet, and theres not allot i can do for the wrinkles, yet, and idgaf, i ain't tannin, ever, in a million years, ever, when i was in woodmound plaza every morning a few years ago, i wouldn't say i was "working" cuz i haven't been had a "job" in allot of years, but i was there every morning for a good spell, and i used to see this lady come and tan every morning, boy she sure thought she was somethin. she looked like a horses saddle, well her face did, it was funny, sometimes her husband would watch as she arrived to tan, but he was usually gone before she was done. it never took him long to finish. i feel there are germs in those beds, and the exposure causes cancer at a much faster rate than normal. but i think this was a same lady who went to mexico during the height of the swine flu outbreak, so there you go.

Jesus, wine, and crackers 11/8/10

dear diary,

she sawl me in my red coat and thinks i work at target. what is happening. shall we pray.

dear God in Heaven, oh gracious Father of all that is living and lived before us, i come to you today, my Lord, in search of answers and the desire to help one particular peculiar individual who is suffering internally, and will no doubt, suffer for all eternity without the stern rod and solom vow of divine intervention from you. please guide this person into a peaceful place, where ease and sanity may be found, where trust can be built again with those around them and happiness may be plentiful in the seasons to come. please grant them the ability to forgive others they feel may have transcribed against them, even though it was nothing but a complete farce and figment of their own imagination and failed attempt at revenge. dear Lord i pray deeply for the salvation of these people and the safety of the remainder of their pitiful small lives, but let those lives grow into something huge dear Lord, so that not to end on a true tragedy. let it acquire meaning and depth, as not to remain shallow and unworthy. there is good in us all my Lord. in your name in in your name alone this is what i pray. amen.

i did not spailcheck my words to the Lord, as he does not see spailing errors. so. i dunno.

tuning my instrument (op 11/8/10)

dear diary,

six glasses in the top rack of the dishwasher and im ready for a nap, been a long hard day. wish i cudda finished but it was to much. i need to rest now. my legs are tired. ran out of energy. i don't see how people do it. at least i got six of them in there and them phone calls made. the bathtub room ought to be done by next july. that's if they do one brick per day, my kind of people. seriously, it'll be done next week. so by thanksgiving THANKSGOODNESS ill have a clean floor to get out of the tub onto. a wall to look at instead of piles of dirty clothes and mountains of my stuff in storage that i haven't seen in ten years since we moved into this tiny little home and that's fine cuz everything is in NICE boxes and could easily move anywhere across country and can remain in storage for an unspecified amount of thyme but however, it will be unbearably sweet when those boxes are opened because there are indeed some true treasures hidden within the confines of those boxes and whoever gets to open them needs to keep their legs squeezed together at all times tightly, because they will pee with excitement as what they find when they open some of them will forever change them in ways they never imagined. LMAO ive kept some stupid shit. and im damn proud of it.

the anti-christ is already here

dear turning lead into gold diary,

sun twentieth of taurus the earth will tremble very mightily it will ruin the great theatre filled: to darkened troubled air, sky, and land then the infidel will call upon God and saints. the fugitives. fire from heaven on to their weapons. the next conflict will be that of the crows. they call on earth for help and heavenly aid. when the aggressors draw near the walls.

may 20th the earth will shake and bring her to its knees- during the middle of the night the ground will break- and many people will die, lives will be lost and more taken, and the warning of another cry. wise men will come- but they will be dumb- and things will begin to change.

good mourning usa

dear anniversary date number two,

today he got his balls all in a ruffle and went to file his papers. i of course didn't receive them until tomorrow, but he filed the bogus fuckers today, while cuntface was up at the cop shop cuntplainin about my dogs ass picture she got on her cell phone after she'd called me private all night long. daddy in the courthouse- mommy at the copshop- the whore layin in bed. six thousand dollars, three lawyers, two trials, a night in jail, and a year later- where are we? so far- i've got half my money back- invitations to nancy grace, dr. phil, and conversations with dateline, a job opportunity of a lifetime, and material you cant make up- and a blog with over 1450 visitors in THREE WEEKS guys- that's pretty dang good. today i paid my fine off- all in FIVE DOLLAR BILLS and left a 41 dollar balance WHICH FUCKING JUST KILLS! if i was the judge i would throw that shit out today- i would snuff out the order and make it go away. the city employee and his cuntface wife have had their fun controlling the whores life. i should have my life again- i should be able to live again. i can hate them without a paper- since 2005 i have good Christ- and besides even that- im not the one to fear. LMAO. there is no danger here.

a day to forget

dear start by not watching the shit below diary,

that was three years ago today- is when it aired. it was a very frightening day for me. i would have rather been naked. i hated that day. whenever i go to best buy, i do really well there. but everywhere else- not so well. people always want to talk about that day too, i don't mind- but i'd rather talk about the first time- not that time. but anyway- today is- was- and will always be- the anniversary of it- and it was fun- i guess. if you call wearing the shirt of a 'hero' fun. i wasn't very proud. and i knew why then- as i know now.

i don't know what this is really

dear i am surprised the sun set in your eyes diary,

it's complicated but trust me, it's pretty simple when you pick it apart. i am that girl. i think it could be fun. i've been trying to keep the public from getting involved- i do not want a day job. why did you do this for me? have lunch with me. i never thought your words made much difference, let alone your money. i recovered after your harsh advice. i accepted your lavish gift- with great reluctance- with the stipulation upon success it will be repaid without interest to you- per say- the interest to be to take an interest in someone else like me- and i will- and you know that i will. my promise to you- in all that i do- is to live my life to its greatest capacity. what i owe the world is not my compassion anymore- but my ability alone- but yet to always remain a whore.

high FIVES

dirty money





  

it ain't so much a number

dear loving my nap diary,

i love to sleep. and it is a damn good thing too, because it keeps me safe and awake later. i love having short nails. and it is a good thing too, because i filed them bitches off yesterday and i am free. i love getting called into work. and refusing to go, because i don't work on tuesday's. i love eating roast. and that's bitchen for me- cuz i called that this morning the first time i was up and it is smelling good and almost done now. if i had a million dollars, i would still take three naps a day- only in three different beds, with my feet pointed three different ways. i would still clutch becky- tightly in my arms- and i would live quietly on a secluded farm. i would get my mail naked- every single day, i would never go to town. i would still run my fingers every single day- until further notice- i wouldn't go away- here and on craigland- where all the freaks post- and that is where my voice is heard the most.

pre-confession

dear making it up diary,

making believe, that i still hate you. it doesn't get easier- with each day that goes by. sometimes i dream, that i've already killed you. it doesn't make it better, because i wake up and you're still alive. i can't go to your funeral, because you ain't having one. i cant visit your grave, because you're not in one. and what if when you do finally die- some dumb ass cremates you? and takes you away from me forever. that would really piss me off. i have all kinds of things- that must go in your casket. and i want to bite you again- i have to taste your skin. i already know it will be different- because you are dead now- but that is okay- because i made you that way. i am sorry i prolly had to do it.

all but forty one

dear there was a flood in my dream last night diary,

but the bed was dry when i woke up. i already have my celebratory clothes laid out, i am going to pay all but forty one dollars on my fine today. i am going to pay the last forty one dollars that remain on march 9th, or march 23rd, or april 29th, i haven't decided yet. maybe a little on all three dates. i would just pay it all today- but i feel like being an ass. im paying it all in five dollar BILLS too, just so the lady at the circuit clerks office has to touch more money and spend more time with me. i ain't countin the shit. it's coming straight from my bank. hopefully all that money came straight from subway and has shit on every BILL. one hundred and forty eight five dollar BILLS and one- dollar BILL. then next time- i will give them forty one ones. ahahahaha. i should take in pennies- but i don't feel like being there all fucking day- just forty one minutes. i know if they do not accept my payment- by law it is considered paid. or course, that law prolly only pertains to other people- like most laws- are irrelevant when it comes to me- for some reason. it's all in how the law is interpreted, and who interprets them. i am not a terrorist, altho- i prolly would have made a damn good one- had i have signed up and took that class. i do enjoy (so much) seeing others suffer at their own hands especially. fucking NOTHING makes me squirt faster.

follow the drinking ground

dear chemical depression diary,

there is a specific way to make noose or you won't die. but when you swallow that handfull of pills- what is the chance they will go down the wrong side of your neck? irony. kick out the box you were standing on, watch your life flash before your eyes- watch the blue color drain from the sky. feel all that blood gather in your head- you might pass out- but you ain't dead. you didn't follow directions in the boy scout book- you tied the knot wrong and now just look. you are alive again and hanging in the closet- like an outfit for church- dude- you've really lost it. are you disappointed? i certainly hope not, grab yourself a kleenex and blow your nasty snot. if you really wanted to do the job- you'da made the knot correct, you did it for attention- whose hand do you want to pet- you? it won't be mine- not this time- i ain't got time- for your shit. i do wish you well- in your life in hell- and hope that you are doing fine. let me know if you need any pills- i'll start saving the refills on mine.

straving for a bath

dear you don't want me involved diary,

you thought i would have some insights. and i do. i will absolutely admit i know what i know, but i won't admit anything to you. i have learned a few tricks or two this year. i think i can sit on the stand and lie like you guys now- my dear. addicts lie, and their enablers will too, but i do not like y'alls brand of shoes. but that doesn't mean i won't put them on if i don't have to- to walk through the mud- anything will do. i don't think my life will ever return to normal. am i a horrible person for beating a dead horse? it's already dead. now i want an ice cream cone to lick and gobble up- man that would sure be tasty- one flavor is never enough. i think i will make one and go soak in the tub- eat it and then give my hair a good scrub with my new cherry shampoo. well, here i go. and always remember- if your canoe tips over- REMAIN CALM.

SIX NINETEEN

dear how does that make you feel diary,

prolly pretty special. you would come on a short bus. you would come on any bus. ima hot mess. and i need to get off my ass and do something. but all i want to do is nap. sometime around midnight i plan to venture out. until, then, ima sit tight. it would be nice if spring came early this year. i saw it in the sky today- and then God shook his rug out. cold temperatures secure your heart. my ear itches. there might be a flea in there. overnight tonight, i will muster the courage to forgive myself for letting you dog me.

wax paper w/o wax (pain in my ass)

dear nobody home diary,

now its almost time for bed again and i just got up. i didn't even get a nap today and i don't even know why. i suppose i still could real fast- its only 40 after five. i would strongly urge someone to unload the dishwasher before maria comes tomorrow- that way she wont have to spend her time doing that. i need to go to the store, on this safe day- but not til i bucket clean the fridge. i ain't makin anymore rolls and shit until i get new waxed paper. that dollar general waxed paper that i saved money on sucks so fucking bad, i will NEVER buy that crap again- it made me so fucking mad. i guess only one side of the shit has wax on it. i dunno but it blows. fuckit. ima chuck it. and i dunno where i put my bucket. i think it is in my basement. i wont use a different one- the stainless steel one is my favorite. there is a bit of barb-q sauce on my top shelf- mustard in the door and relish next to it. it looks like someone made a hotdog and dropped the bun upside down- and left it for a minute or two- then grabbed it and left town. they didn't bother to clean it up- inside my refrigerator- and i didn't do it either- and now ima do it later. after i find my bucket i will, then i will go to the store. then the mustard and shit won't be there anymore.

old, bitter, and sour

dear waking up with becky diary,

it takes so little effort to love becky, it just comes natural. she is the child i wish i would have had. she loves me back- without question. that is my most favorite thing about her. she wants nothing- begs for nothing- and shows appreciation for everything. the old grump taught her everything she knows, she just redefined those core values into something spectacular- turning the old dog into the grump, and her into the sweetest thing i have ever known. the old dog is still a wonderful dog, but he is sour now next to her. something ida never prolly noticed had she've never come along. i never get tired of writing about her, but i bet y'all get sick of hearing about her. i don't care. this is my blog. she is where i get all my love these days. she is where i put all of my love too. in her and here. i have to put my love somewhere because iffin i don't- i will turn bitter and sour like a cuntface. i promised myself a long time ago- i would never ever become a bitter cuntface. because then i would grow old in my soul. i am not ever going to be old in my soul.

flavor blasted mouth gags (11/8/10)

dear diary,

the phone rang and GUESS WHO ANSWERT IT? it wasn't bert. GOOD NEWS on the whorn. HEAR YE YEAR HE-ALL SYSTEMS AFLOAT! ty Jesus in the sky! now im hungry. and i have a huge booger in my nose. haven't even had time for a bath yet, and technically its 2:15pm. but im not allowed to take one now anyway, so hum. that's just wrong. becky tore up her baby in the back yard today because her other toys are missing. i soaked them in bleachwater, scrubbed them with a brush and ran them thru the dishwasher. they are due to be out any minute. the old grump lays by the door thinkin the baby will be home in an hour, he'll be sad IN AN HOUR. no shoes in the mail, just another PATCH for the jacket that ain't mine. tell you what, that's gunna be one patched up jacket if all the shit that keeps comin gets put on it. i feel like a shepards pie tonite. man that sounds so good. ain't had one of them since tater's shut down. i should make one. i might have forgotten how after all these years, nah, PROLLY NOT, i cant seem to forget nuffin. why do fat bitches like to tan anyway? they must live by the motto- cant tone it tan it? it just looks so dumb. i want a cupcake lol. and some flavor blasted goldfish crackers and milk. damnit. i feel like a ding-dong tho warmed up. well, dudes will be here at 130 i gotta clammer the dogs together and make sure the prisoner in the basement is leashed and gagged before they get here to do the estimate lol.

dumpster girl and the horny dog (11/8/10)

dear diary,

i wonder if the mail will come an hour earlier now. wouldn't that be a buttfucking something of a topic to McRave about. whoohoo. "why yes my dear whore, it would," i just wrote to myself. yawn. the old grump is in there humping my pillow i can hear the bed squeakin. fuck. that is so dumb. today is monday, sometimes i have to remind myself and that is what i am doing now. nothing to do today but answer the phone and get the video in my grimy possession and get the smaller beast to his appointment, and i wouldn't mind collecting all the dog toys and washing them in the bucket. its time to do that again. somebody asked about "dumpster diving" cuz i made that comment about stealing the sweeper from my neighbors trash. i no longer have the title "dumpster girl," but i didn't get that title for diving in the trash PER SAY- just HANGIN OUT WITH THE TRASH and yeah, i ain't "to good" to pull a sweeper out the trash and clean it up and use it. it'll prolly work longer than the one i paid for. so the dogs are sure sleepin in today, would you expect any less? there ain't been so much as a peep one made from either of them today, cept the bed squeakin, but he coulda been rollin his fat ass over a few times in a row. i mite try and snuggle the old fart again, but he'll just take it the WRONG WAY and assume, well what ALL HORNY DOGS ASSUME- GAWD. i love this horny dog tho. he don't just hump anybody. just me and becky.

future lost time (11/7/10)

dear diary,

the noise that came from that adorable tiny thing made me want to throw my sizzling plate at the window, narrowly missing its inconsiderate mother who was oblivious to the fact that every single person surrounding their table had their hand covering their ear closest to the beautiful child, and my ear still rings now ten hours later and im not shitting. my children did not ever scream to that octave. i would not be here if they had. the food was AMAZING, definitely worthy of serving at my funeral.

they only had the white jacket. and i got the bitch. i love it- couldn't resist. its perfect. my short gray hair and glasses will be BAD ASS.

well, they come to give the "estimate" on the rest of the bathroom tomorrow. i think i do want walls, and i want them maybe brick, and i want the floor heated, and fuckit then, the walls too, why not. and i want an exhaust fan- a super sucker- and an easy to clean floor. yes. and NO MIRRORS. its just a tub room, it shouldn't be that much.

so i found out my kid is makin FUN of me on FACEBOOK again (thanks to the emails lol) YOU CUDDA CALT and ima just go ahead and admit it right now, yeah, i woke up today and thought it was DECEMBER, you might have gained an hour last night, but I LOST A MONTH. it happens. hey. i was right on the day. last year i lost october, so i dunno, ill get it back someday. meanwhile, thanks for the heads up SEVEN UP.


k ima go catch up and see what y'all want tomorrow- we got an action packed week. buckle in kids. it cud be fun-ner than usual, especially NAY day. that's what im talkin about.

step into a slim jim (11/6/10)

hay man,

i just heard you say "wow" when you got in the shower.

i know you're naked, i say "wow" sometimes when i see you naked too, but i cant help but wonder if i left a rat turd in there from when i fed the snake. now i am worried. cuz ur already in such the mood from my friend buyin me boots again, and me turnin the BRAND NEW HEATER ON (if you remember it was the OLD furnace that smailt like a dead raccoon when you turned it on the first time NOT THIS NEW ONE) and ur failed attempt at bein CHEF-BOY-ARDEE lololol dude- whats it gunna be like the rest of the day?

just lets, we can, if you want, chill. k? you can do the remote to the tv. k? k. we will go get some beef jerky and play swords. you like that.

move it (11/6/10)

dear diary,

so now that my heater is on LMAO for some reason, my mind flashed back (NO NOT FLASHBACKS) to the house i went to look at once in LOVINGTON. i really liked that house right by the high school. but that heater sucked.

believe it or not that's all ima say about that huge house in LOVINGTON, except, i liked it much better than the one in CERRO GORDO, or any other of the dumb houses i got drug to look at, which i knew at the time was a HUGE waste of time, but didn't have much of anything better to do so i went.

so the old grump is sleepin on the register vent. he ain't missin a heater cycle. he tore a path in the carpet when he heard the furnace kick on, and pawed at his toy basket to move it out of the way so he could lay there, i had to yell, "ill get it. ill get it," or he woulda destroyed his toy basket. he's happy now. prolly thinkin its almost Christmas. and it is.

saturday alarms (11/6/10)

dear diary,

i am so lucky, lol, i got the bestest dogs in the whole wide world. i am a dork tho, as for some reason, i set my alarm and woke the kid up for school today, man was he pist. i thought it was funny, he, not so much. oh whale, oughta buy me an extra hour of peace and quiet this morning.

still a dork, i am already stalking my mailbox for my boots and chances are, they ain't even left yet. that's sad. i dunno tho, bert came pretty fast and i ordered him in the middle of the night, and he's already full and doing his job really well. i still don't like him, but he will do. i like the old berts better.

i must have tossed and turned all night my head is one giant frizzball, no worse in one spot than another, even my bangs got in on the action. musta been all the JELLO dreams and i don't even like JELLO in real life.

blu funder ( 11/5/10)

dear unibomber sir diary,

so i got a brand new heater furnace, and it is november now, AND I CANT TURN IT ON. we always try and wait til november to fire it up, which is never a problem with my "sweat hog" ass, and this morning i flip the switch and hear, "no no no no no no no no no no," cough cough, "no no no no no."

im not one to cuntplain, really, but i will try and anal-yze this situation accordingly.

is it your brand new heater furnace to control?

do you pay for the natural gas and electricity to run the bitch?

aren't you still under the covers where its warm?

wont you rise and put on 84 shirts so they all must be laundered when your sweaty stinkin armpits start soakin through to shirt number 76?

why do others have to suffer while you are toasty?

who died and made you king of my furnace?


anyway, ill be eating poptarts and jimmy dean sausage biscuits again today. but damn that burnt chicken was sure smailin good you made last nite. and ive never seen anyone slow cook ground chuck for sloppy joes like that, i like my meat brown. next time you could prolly boil the meat and get the same results.

happy weekend. just think, the next two weekends will be even better! all the kids and the family here for the holiday. ill refill your valium and or get you a smoking hotel suite. you can pay for both.

love,

stupid sweat hog whore

rat at large (11/5/10)

dear true story diary,

i love my snake, she eats in the shower. that's just wrong i know to wait til after the lady cleaned it to feed her, but i ain't feedin my snake in no dirty shower. ick. i swear shes weigin 30 pounds now, ok 25, she's extra large. she can handle 3 biggest rats they sell, one at a time, gulp, gulp, pause (break for 5minutes lol) and gulp. once she couldn't handle the last rat, and i couldn't stand the thought of returning it (fate) so, i took it to the north end of town and abandoned it. i thought it would have a better chance of life there. they are cooking chicken now. im not hungry. i ate jimmy dean sausage biscuits with real syrup and a halfa gallon of whole milk chilled in the freezer, in the tub. well hail. got two idiot furr heads up my butt gotta do something fast.

little turkey hats (11/4/10)

dera yirad,

fryday again. can you believe that shit. got a bunch to do this weekend. waitin on the fed ex lady now, i didn't feel like gettin woke up, so i beat her to the punch. gonna get the rest of that wood cleaned up to harbor rats over here insteada dads and start thinkin about what to carve my stump into. i want to carve it into a big penis, but dad said as long as the judge lives back there he'd prolly rather i didn't carve a 5ft penis in the back yard. i just don't see it lookin like much else yet. personally, if the judge can have a big hole in his back yard (a vagina) why cant we have a penis in ours? the world is a funny place. and that's fine.

why do people with long hair get it all chopped off to short hair? its so drastic. almost shocking. makes me think they got headlice. maybe she did. i don't have the ballsack to do that to my hair, not that it doesn't look nice on this lady, it looks ok, i just was shocked, and its winter. i cant say nothin bout seasons- beens i wear my uggs in the summer with shorts, but the hair thing, wow.

i feel like a rump roast today. really im trying to avoid the urge for turkey. we're getting a fresh amish turkey again this year because GAWD DURN you can really tail a difference lol. Do yall think a turkey knows if its AMISH? do you think it knew if it wore a lil bonnet on its head or not while it ran freely in the Yoder's yard? i always picture the little bloody bonnets when they cut their heads off. i wonder if they save the turkey hats and make the next year turks wear them after they wash them and hang them on the clotheslines to dry.


well off to eat a bowl of FRUIT LOOPS AND CHOCOLOATE MILK mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm in the bathtub. xoxoooxooxooxoxox

re: hate your ex (11/4/10)

i took the liberty of reposting the link you created to your website to the internet al gore invented for us to use to vent for issues such as this. i, however, am happy here, keeping my thoughts all organized in one happy place, but if you want to go get other opinions, you're american, feel free to do so. i don't, "hate my ex,' that would imply that he was my ex, and we were never a UNIT to be "ex-ing" thru (if you call sex at a car wash and two minutes of hurried sex in a bed a dating relationship maybe you should re-evaluate what an ex is ) but thanks for the entertainment, i did laugh at some of the posts.

didn't understand the latin phrasing at the bottom. hoping u could translate? thanks again

have a good ass day.

http://www.badexes.com/

scrabble in the bathtub (op 11/4/10)

dear diary,
what an interesting day. burnt out on the history channel. ENOUGH ALREADY. so i've now come to several conclusions. i love the xbox 360 in the bathtub- online- there is a God, and, im only gunna get exactly half my nails painted before i sleep cuz im beat to an orange pulp, and my last conclusion, that dumb little tune i mastered has stuck in my head all day, and i thing ive heard a new calling, as it sounds much sweeter (and fruitier) than it reads.
everybody has new sheets tonite, looks like becky is claimin the babycrib. she always wants it when the mattress pad and sheets and comforter all smell like downey. lil pig. she has her stuffed baby and kongs up there, oh and her chewed up tire, so shes plannin to stay a minute, and looks like the old guy here has a nest of towels gathered, HOW LAME. why cant they SHARE the crib?

jimmy neutron's on ima soak and watch my 2nd favorite movie after daddy and them- rite before LION KING-uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i miss you McLady have you seen Daddy and Them? BESTEST MOVIE EVER- IN THE WORLD EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER

essay from the heart (op 11/4/10)

Have you ever been angry? Undoubtedly we all have. What you probably have not done however is ever take time to evaluate and explore the underlying reasons to your anger.

That being said, without fully and truly knowing what it is that angers you, it makes it awfully difficult to curb future emotional outbursts of anger and control your inner world. Therefore it is most advantageous for us to explore what it is that most often angers people.

Here are some reasons people get angry.

1. Disappointment

Disappointment is a major cause for anger. When people, things, and situations beyond our control disappoint us, it can be very difficult to endure. When individuals make decisions that negatively effect your life and throw you for a loop, that can be tough. When life throws you a curve ball, how are you going to respond? Anger may be the initial reaction, but it will never change the situation nor make it go away. You can scare away people, but not your problems which often resurface over time when not properly dealt with.

2. Unrealistic expectations

Unrealistic expectations are unfortunate when you feel you have to live up to someone's impression of you that is beyond what you are humanly capable of. Even worse is being the one applying this undue pressure on people via your weighty and lofty expectations. We all live in flesh and blood. People make mistakes, oversleep, show up late, and blunder a bit from time to time.

Never judge another by their actions and yourself merely by your intentions. Most people are kind, good hearted, and have pure intentions. Therefore if they fall short a time or two, don't you demonize and demoralize them. If you were honest with yourself, you often need mercy too!

3. Demands

Demanding people think they deserve much, when in actuality they often contribute little. People who are demanding are often dealing with inner issues from childhood when their parents lorded themselves over them and demanded perfection. Push and demanding people rub us the wrong way. Nobody wants to be around a demanding person. Therefore don't be one yourself, unless you enjoy being hated and alone.

4. Pride and self-righteousness

Pride, arrogance, and self-righteousness causes some people to easily anger. Because they think they are so special, they easily downgrade others in their mind and project despising accusations in their looks, tone, and words. Pride precedes a fall. If you are high-minded and full of yourself, beware for humiliation awaits you. Better is it to humble yourself and be inwardly broken than to exalt yourself and boast excessively. He or she who exalts themselves shall surely be brought down and humbled in due time.

5. Disrespect

People who disrespect themselves often despise others. Unbeknownst to themselves, because of their own self hatred, they project this on to others closest to them. The very people who love them the most, they often mistreat. Because such a person has a low self image and poor self esteem, they poorly treat others and angrily react over every minute detail with which they disagree. What they don't realize and know is it is they who are the disagreeable and devilish one causing all of the problems.

6. Manipulation tactics

Some people like to employ anger as a means to frighten people into doing what they want. It's nothing more than a manipulation tactic that they overtly use to get what they want. If you are on the recipient end of that mistreatment, get a backbone and stand up for yourself. What you refuse to confront you can never correct.

7. Incapable of Communicating

Uneducated people and emotionally troubled people, often resort to anger to shout to the world to leave them alone. Like an injured person who doesn't want to be touched at the place of injury and infection, inwardly hurting people are no different. If you confront them about the area of their life out of order, they may get angry and revolt. This is because they don't have the patience and self-control to honestly discuss their dilemma and work through it. Reacting angrily has proven easier for them as they think they can drive their hurt and dysfunction away momentarily by having a temper tantrum.

8. Confused and Tormented Inwardly

Confused people are often tormented within, unstable, and perplexed unto internal anguish. Because they are vexed within, they go through life easily susceptible to the mildest irritation. They explode easily and blow up over the slightest injury.

9. Frustrated in Life

Frustration and lack of progress in one's life can cause them to become depressed, think less of themselves, and angrily react to others who seem to have their life in order. It's underlying root is envy and jealousy, which causes them to react in hostility.

Such a person must learn to honor and rejoice in others who are succeeding. As they do, relationships can emerge that will help them transcend their personal troubles, and triumph over what they are going through.

10. Miserable and Broken

Misery loves company. That being said if a miserable person encounters a happy person, the miserable person often tries to pull the happy soul down so as to be able to relate.


PEOPLE IN LA ARE SOOOOOO SMART. LOVE CALIFORNIA TYTYTYTYTY

anyone for a beanbag? (op 11/4/10)

when you jump up high
and land real low
and go them places no body goes
get fruity get fruity

when you lay rite down
and act a clown
and be a big hero all over town
get fruity get fruity

when you talk like a fag
but you don't dress in drag
but you take it up the ass
yer fruity lol gettin fruity

(chorus)

all over town you get fruity get fru-u-uity
all over town you get fruity get frooo-ooooty
all over town you get yer nuts fruity!

repeat 5 times

when you get rite up
and bust that nut
now that's fruity
kinda fruity

watching you nut,
now that's no lie,
still rememberin makes me laff and cry
kinda fruity REALLY fruity

the way you fold your clothes
before you get into bed
and beg for some head
kinda fruity lol really fruity

you're a stand up guy
but all you do is lie
and you're fruity
super tooty frooooty

you put on a good show
yer personality really grows
but yer fruity
kinda fruity, REALLY fruity

you watch dudes in the shower
YOU'RE AS FRUITY AS A FLOWER
honey child- that's fruity
kinda fruity- very fruity

all over town you get fruity get fru-u-uity
all over town you get fruity get frooo-ooooty
all over town you get yer nuts fruity!


all over town you get fruity get fru-u-uity
all over town you get fruity get frooo-ooooty
all over town you get yer nuts fruity!

he wants to hump (have him checked and boiled (11/4/10)

dear raydi,

morning good. doubt no. she spooned with me all night long with her soft ass head lined perfectly with my lips causing me to kiss her in my sleep all night. cant do that to the old grump tho, for one, he wont lay right, and for another, as soon as you start kissin him, HE WANTS TA HUMP, and no thanks, not since she came along.

so i gotta clean the bathroom before the lady gets here to clean. cant have her goin home postin a mexican ad on CL lol, even tho i sure would, prolly with pictures, that word prolly again, i personally like that word cuz it rhymes with jolly and lolly and dolly, and my favorite dolly is Chrissy (that grew hair) and Rescue Randy. that Randy is one kinky mf. lol im sure he is disease ridden by now, altho, i think that it needs a human host to live for longer than "X" amount of hours so he might be ok in the closet by the door now, someone should prolly have him checked and boiled. Chrissy is ok, my brother pushed her into a burning fireplace when i was 5, exactly 30 years before I became exposed, and while i still have her with her long hair burnt off, she is disease free and living quite the normal life.

what a great day its gonna be today. cold. bullcrap cold. but. great day. lol. ima go jump in the tub and get get get started lol.

syrup into wine (fruit of a headstone)

dear my kid thinks i'm stupid diary,

i thought my mom was stupid too, but now i realize i was the dumby, so maybe my kid is right in thinking i am stupid. except, i'm not. i know when he's lying. i just act dumb to see how far he will go with it before he caves in and tells the truth to me- before i punch him in the eye for lying. i think if my mom woulda done that to me a coupla times before she died- it woulda helped me allot in the future. why do kids lie about the dumbest things that do not matter? why not lie about something important? monday, sucky- monday. i coulda slept all day. i still might. it is early yet. whoever invented mondays is an asshole. and i want meatloaf again. i need to have the couch cleaned. my fingernails are beautiful again. i cant wait to pay my fine this week. i've had the money for a minute, but laying it out on a special day is what i've been waiting for. then pancake day. roger is giving me the details on where my uncle's unmarked grave is at- so i can direct adam's tombstone where to place his headstone. i bought it for him last october- just before i was to be sentenced, i found out that my great uncle chauncey had no marker on his grave and i called uncle jim to inquire why. he didn't know- so i let him go- and called back roger to get me more info- roger said he would dig for me- and have it in feburary. now we are here- finally- i'll tie everything up, and i may even drink a sip or two of wine from a silver cup.

be on the look out for trash in the road

dear how damaged are the goods diary,

prolly pretty damaged then. so help me, i know that is why it is so often requested, a delight to fulfill, often a demand i have to require. he is a lucky guy. but it's not like that anymore, not since i became a whore. why are you alone? i bet you have a bone. shalom. dawn- it's a new day. first shifting again. got nowhere to go and nobody to blow. not today. yay. don- there is a new way, but he is stupid. so where ima be in my dreams is your guess- i won my superbowl bet so im stayin dressed. i missed making my bet with the stupid goat, but i saw his truck tonight and i didn't even choke up. i had vomit in my throat but i swallowed it back down and chewed a piece of gum til it got stale and spit it on the ground- along about the alley way where we cleaned out my car- and we figured the guy with the white van was prolly at the bar. and then we went to work and worked real hard, it was crowded as fuck- barely room for my cards. lizard was there- his woman did stare- i wasn't for sure it was him at first- it was- oh wow. now it is time to paint again and lay in the bed and have becky time my friends.

shhh- we're doing it again

dear stawking while being stawked diary,

last night after work aimee and i were starved. we went stawking. we had time. she went home and i went home and then we left again. she came to get me and she had a parade on her tail, so we wove through the hood. we went down an unprotected street and that's when we spotted her man- bout the same time i saw the white box van- and we both laughed and stomped our feet. at that very moment i can honestly say, i have never been stawked while stawking til that day. we hurried on off, thinking of explanations to tell, cuz her man was ringin her phone to give her hell. he wanted to know why we was in the hood, why we was creepin slow like stawkers would. she told him it was for me- which he couldn't believe- he had no idea about the shit up my sleeve. he don't even know what a whore i am, he thinks im a good white girl- all blond- with a man. that's cuz that's what she told him and that's fine with me- the less he knows the better we'll be.

we got tonight (who needs right now)

dear want less get more diary,

i buffed off the shine on my nails last night and prepped them for an overlay and then went to bed. so now i am staring at the world's ugliest set of fingernails. and i am now committed into either painting the fucking things or slappin another top coat on, and i cant bare to look at this color another day. my time is limited, i must bathe and eat and get ready for work, and the last thing i have time for is a perfect paint job. i am really disappointed in myself. i cant paint them at work either. an overlay is important. if i screw up- omg- its a monumental disaster. to correct an overlay- here is what MUST be done. the fingernail must be stripped. then washed. then painted the original color, no spain no gain, two coats and the top coat, then it must dry and be buffed down and prepped for the overlay. OTHERWISE, that one nail will not match the other nine- because the under color will change the way the new color looks. even tho i do not know what color ima paint them yet. yet here i sit complaining about my perDICKament to you. when i could be scrubbing the fuckers and getting it done. oh whale. it don't take that long to think. and i am organizing my thoughts. this is how we do it. i ain't decided what color i want yet any damn way. so i got time.

proud garbage

dear wondering about items i have lost diary,

lots of times i wonder about things i can't find. i think about how they are doing without me, and if they are still around and in the loving arms of someone else using them- holding them- the same way i used them. like my little orange spiral notebook with all my writing in it. oh, that book was so special to me- it's been to florida and california and virginia and vegas, and its latest adventure, new york. now, it is gone. sometimes when i walk down the road and see trash, i think- that garbage once had a promising future. once it was full of product and sat proudly on a shelf waiting to be picked and chosen- and purchased. and now it lay curbside ran over and discarded- no longer valued- no longer of service- garbage. seems kinda funny to put stuff in fancy boxes and containers just to throw them away. i have proud garbage. my shit goes in the can. and i hope that ain't where my little orange notebook went.

ima tail you what (bitch)

dear screaming all night diary,

i screamed all night long. "i hate you," i yelled over and over and over again. i guess he heard me loud and clear too, the unibomber asked me who i hated. i told him i had a headache and could not remember. could i really have been yelling that at him? i mean in my dream i was, but he wouldn't go back to grandma's house and i wasn't ready to leave. i dunno. sometimes i have it all figured out- and then- when it doesn't figure out to my liking- i want to act dumb. i don't hate the unibomber. i don't want to hate the unibomber. but sometimes it is hard not to. i reach out to the unibomber- he turns away. i quit reaching years ago. yet i find myself in need. he said, "no decent man would ever have me," and i met the big hero. with those words driving me- and stars in my eyes- i believed the city employees lies. now all i want is to smoke some pot. email the guy from peoria and see what he's got. but now i cant. BECAUSE I AM A TORN UP WHORE, AND I CAN NOT SMOKE FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS MORE. all because of a lying cuntface named karen, who egged her husbands motorcycle and is ok with sharing, her marital bed with every woman in town- but she punished one- me cuz i'm the clown. because i poked fun at the size of her man- and now OUR CITY WANTS TO PUNISH POOR INNOCENT STAN?

look, the moral of the story is simply this- keep a whore happy at home- she wont try to kiss- anyone else off her usual list, and then maybe nobody would ever need to 'make a fist.'

hurtin for certain

dear ignorant shit on ebay i want again diary,

well, my total on ebay is $148 bucks for makeup- but it's all urban decay- and it is all free shipping and all buy now. and i have NOT bought any of it yet, i am thinking because of the guilt. i can't do it. do i need it? no. do i want it? yeah. my priorities are fucked up. but i can't get it off my mind. it is very high quality make up- the very best kind. my eyes are getting heavy much earlier tonight, the news of a possible missed interaction today has had my brain on super flight. when i read the post i almost choked- cuz i don't utterly devote myself to checking there, but believe me, in my deepest heart, i am sure the message was not from the person from whom i would care. yet i can't stop wondering- and that is not fair. so thanks to the flagger- i will never get to know- who wants a truce- or where i was posta go. and it wasn't a safe day.

sexting in the tub (again) 11/4/10

devoting is for smart folks diray,

i think the feds are coming. i got my bag packed again, and my medication administration video ready, along with my wireless bra, and doctors letter, it's all by the front door. i know this is probably the final straw. honestly, i didn't mean to vote twice, i just wanted to start over. i thought that box was the garbage can. oh well, we can't be perfect like all city employees and their cna lacking certified wives answering phones at a doctors office, but maybe someday, i will set my standards higher. all i have to do is finish my toenails- i didn't get them done last night- and ill be g2g.
poor becky and the old dog, they're just gunna be devastated. you know when becky thinks i've been asleep long enough, she will come and lick me until i wake up. usually not until after 11am tho, as i will grab her and smash her under the covers and throw a leg over her until "its time," but she's cool with that, you can change her mind about anything. all you have to do is rub her butt. i don't know where she got that from, but it works. i love it when she "asks" you to pick her up like a child. the very first time she did that, we were in public, and people actually STOPPED to watch her sitting on my hip. she just sat there. try to pick up the old fucker tho, UR IN FOR A SURPRISE, and then a HUMP of a LIFETIME.
i just hope the lady gets here to clean my house before i go, and i have an appointment tomorrow id like to make it to, and and and damn, tomorrow was posta beeeee sucha good day, maybe the feds could wait and come friday after my refills come.

time for a bath and some sexting lol nancy's almost over xoxoxo