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dear personally less personal diary,

every diary should have a theme. i do not want any reader to come here and leave without knowing what my theme is. ima whore. i'm pretty relaxed and full of energy and in love with my job that i hate. you'll find that i don't easily forget things i don't always remember. i've never been in charge of much, but i've always been a leader. my mind has always been on two tracks, but i follow one path. i spend a lot of time doing nothing because i am always busy and i was always scared of scooby doo. if you keep your eye on me, be sure and wear glasses- ima bright star, but you can wear them on your head- i'm not shining yet. my hands are dirty, but i keep them clean and i'll inspire you to do the same thing. the best experience of my life hasn't happened yet, but my past ain't been so bad.

gala fucking party

dear not liking the terms diary,

with regret, i am handing the competition over to more suitable hands. it's become a dangerous business out here and they're taking back the city. there are some that would say the contract negotiations were weak and eventually give way, but if we all stay reading between the settled and decided lines- i believe that will perhaps keep us all going in the right direction. my thinking here, let us all read word for word until all the new contracts and stipulations can be drawn up. the conclusions we reach should wait until all steps are counted.

deep wisdom for the impacted cunt

dear now can you tell diary,

i always mark which side i had up so i know if i flip it over too much i can at least remember where i started. time passes as we get older and things seem less important. oh as a true and as amazing of feature as this is, there are those instances where it just doesn't or wont seem to apply. amusing as this would be to some, it is very sad and cost ineffective for others. there are those among us who allow time to ferment those unimportant, irrelevant things and produce a new breed of tender hostility to unleash upon those who've long forgotten about the possibility of conception. making that crucial mark before you flip can be an easy way to prevent flipping twice. it pisses me off when there is a mark on both sides because you know someone else has been flipping there as well.

the spinner

diary,

 if seams of twelve and a half like monday, but seven and a quarter on saturday it seems. R.!.P.

which came first? (the chicken or the hero)

dear feeling firebird diary,

i thought early this morning about how wonderful it would be to eat a chicken dinner with a penis on my leg. you know i have always dreamed of having my very own penis. eating a chicken dinner with it just laying on my leg would just be completely over the top. it's one of the things i think we as women got ripped off as being women- not getting an exterior attachment to have and hold while we drive, work, and eat like men do is just totally wrong. plus, i just think that would be fun to have at dinnertime- to make things more memorable. but anyway, that made me want chicken today so i went to kentucky fried chicken and got some wings and a breast. then i always wonder about the chicken's penis. i'd like to see another one of those someday.....

darwin at work again

dear dysfunctional diary,

attempting to intervene is not always the very best way to change the course of action when noticing someone has taken the wrong path on their journey. while going along for the ride isn't the best idea either, sometimes just ignoring the whole damn situation will produce the best overall experience for everyone. for it is a well known argument that if you ignore something long enough, it will go away- usually. going a step further, like i always try and do, if you then quit feeding something, eventually it will die. i always try and keep that last scenario in the back of my head at all times, in fact i live by that standard. that's prolly why my friend aimee had a dead kitten in her car today and i have mice all over my house.

i still wouldn't tell you

dear don't you wish i knew diary,

figuring out what i thought i forgot has been the hardest thing to remember. i prolly should have wrote it down, but i never did and that is ultimately where i went wrong. knowing i knew, or could have known, this whole time is not something i am proud of either, but acting stupid is something i have become good at, so convincing others i still haven't remembered it all wont be that difficult- especially since i really haven't. someday it will come to me and i still wont tell anyone, so it will always be like it never happened at all.

smashmouth

dear that good old fashioned shitty diary,

concerned about something in my stomach, dinner wasn't so good at the new burger place in springfield. i almost wish we wouldn't have been able to find it. i like meatheads better and i don't really like that place as much as i used to. there is always something rearing after me, inside my body or out. if i chase after it, i always end up shitting all over myself and that is not very lady-like to talk about, but it happens to the best of us. that is why i do not like to try anything new. new things suck. i've found it's the idea of something new that steals the romance of the actuality of it all. true enough, once in a while a delight will come along and 'wow' you, oh but not without the sacrifice of an old fashioned favorite- you can just about lay a bet on it.

greasy ass bun was nasty

caring thoughts of karen

dear when karen comes here diary,

over time, one would think i'd eventually get an explanation for why so many searches on the word, "karen" brings so many visitors to my blog. clearly the last thing i would ever want attached to my blog is a search term like that, but then worse things have happened. i don't have any problem facing my mistakes- like some people do. when the problems we face in our daily lives become the highlight of our days, well that's when we should all think about concentrating on our own mistakes instead of worrying about if someone else is concerning their selves with our problems. but, when karen comes back, i want her to know, this is the most gawd awful display of decoration i have ever seen for any holiday. is that a voo-doo doll? and my friend in washington thinks those are brooms. i'm still not sure.

karen's pretty display

mower man

dear tickle me flipper diary,

pissing people off in my dreams isn't as much fun as doing it while i am awake because getting the genuine anger reaction from a stranger is often like a 'dream' come true, in the sense that you cant predict how it's gonna turn out- so sometimes that can be entertaining. to some it may have appeared i almost hit a man driving a lawnmower past my house yesterday, but i saw his stupid ass, i just wanted to make his heart beat a bit faster so i hurried to the end of my driveway in reverse. he flipped me off, while i laughed, but i happen to know this idiot does not retain a valid driver's licence and is breaking the laws of our land EVERY TIME he drives his motorized vehicle past my house every single day. i'm not a snitch and i shall never play one on tv, but i do have my ways of dealing with the irritating lawnmower brand of people.

an ideal world

dear now i lay me down to sweep diary,

goodnight oh keyboard of diary, for i am yawning with a full mouth. i knew it wouldn't be long because my whole jaw kept coming open over and over and over, but it wont close anymore now and my eyes are heavy and tearing. soon my sight will start crossing and visions will begin to appear and other bodily functions will begin to fail after that. then all at once i will be left in a complete catatonic state and i will drool all over my shirt and i just gotta go fast before it is too fucking late.

flavor enhancer

dear i will do that diary,

nearing the bottom line, i had no idea it was against the law to poison food you serve to your family. hot diggity dog, i better straighten my act up. other than a few mishaps here and there, i think i can cook enough to survive, but i usually don't 'add' anything to mine. i was trained in the school of old country cooking, so iffin you don't like to eat there- don't be coming over to my house. we are big on gravy here. i'd prolly put gravy on everything iffin i could. it scares me to cook anything that looks dangerous. there are some that would suggest some sort of cooking manual, but i prefer what comes natural in my head. i don't mind trying something new, that's not at all what i'm saying. i just wanna know about what it's gunna be like before i put it in my mouth and i go to try and make it by myself, poison makes things taste different.

what brings you by?

dear the timing of the diary,

some things must be fairly accurate or they just wont be right at all. don't say anything- nothing except you can say, "high," and that's it. back again for a visit? would it really be that big of a deal to walk away? i know why i'm here, i haven't forgotten that. but why do you come again? closure is a good thing and i think that is why someone invented the deadbolt- to keep things locked away. i have lost my key to my lock. i assume there is something to celebrate now. i shall order some orange juice. please listen, i've given up on the charade of revenge, yet i still find you near my family. it appears you let the information we once shared drop and if you think this will bring you what you want you may be sadly mistaken. file your claim in the appropriate manner, otherwise keep your deep dark secrets to yourself. ima have my lock re-keyed when i get around to it.

raking the leaves (wasn't sexy)

dear in my ear diary,

oh the birds were sure loud this morning and the messages they chanted were clear. today is my lucky day. i hate birds, especially the morning birds. then the probation department came and scared the living shit out of me. of course, i'm not on probation and they technically didn't come to my house, but they came closer to my house than they've ever come before and being on conditional discharge or whatever the fuck i'm on for 352 more days, a whore just never knows. so finally they left my neighborhood and i made a milkshake and put my underwire bra back on. birds really get on my nerves with their obnoxious rants and endless drivel. 

ready for the next one

dear complaints are filed on the forehead diary,

people get pissed off when you don't trust their instinct. like it is an insult to ignore some one's 'gut' feeling as if you are going around stealing evidence after an unsolvable crime. but i don't have that problem. not so very long ago in a land close by, there was a brave whore i knew and believe me, she really tried. she spent half her life trying to correct what she'd fucked up in less than a year, and the rest of the time making excuses even she herself couldn't stand to hear. it's a hard life it you cant read, but an even harder life if you cant understand.

craftsman

dear over my right eyeball diary,

when the hot rod starts piercing through my skull above my right eyeball socket and my ears start ringing, well, usually that is when i know to start paying close attention to my surroundings. others like me say they don't get any warnings, but these are the two i've noticed over the years before it happens to me. once in a while, it will happen to me without warning too, but i usually don't find about those until it is far too late to turn back. by definition, there is a reason we are different from others who do not share all that we do and yet i am different still. when nature wants to give you a pass, take pause for there is always a price. to second guess what you see before you may not be such a wise idea.

fluffy and puffy

dear grasping at straws to get to the air diary,

deciding to make lemon cupcakes wasn't hard and really ever since i cleaned my oven last weekend that's all i've wanted to do is use the fucker. ain't that how it always it though? clean your favorite shirt- you gotta wear it. i never even expected my oven to come as clean as it did, not this time around. i don't ask for many favors from anyone, i've pretty much learned to get by on my own. some people get high with a little help from their friends, i don't try to get any help from my friends. i think the use of red sprinkles should be considered mandatory on lemon cupcakes with fluffy yellow whipped lemon icing. i just knew pulling my favorite cupcake pan from the dishwasher tonight i was going to have to use that sucker.

ceramic class 101

dear kissing lesson diary,

i think it is time we all explored the art of kissing again because it has been some time since i have and i want to. when two units begin to kiss, i wonder, where does that chemical reaction begin? everybody knows teeth are important, but in some kissing instances, teeth can get in the way. there are the 'big mouth' kissers and i wonder what that experience would be like with someone toothless. maybe i could entice some emails with such a question, or a comment from the few brave enough, but i've yet to have to go there, although i did have a customer with a giant capped tooth once. everyone knows when you mix bleach and dish soap you better make a run for it.

finding my goat again

dear giving up and getting moist diary,

here i am, waving my white sheet around again. i hate carrying grudges around because they are so heavy. especially when my grudge was pretty much fueled by jealousy and my own sense of humiliation in the first place. but then i suppose most grudges have to be birthed by something. i cant say that i'm still not dragging my feet, because that's just how i am- i'll prolly never forget in the back of my head, after all it is a big empty place up there. but at least i don't have to stomp the earth and mutter under every breath anymore. i'll respect the boundaries this time, you betcha, but i was hoping we could still do the bath time thing- cuz i been really missin that. i just named this post and it made me laugh out loud.

i wanted to have sausage in my mouth

dear for an hour diary,

if i stay up for about an hour i can go get something to eat at mcdonalds and suffer for the rest of the day. i could deal with that. but i'll go to bed and just be done with it all for the day. i've made ketchup (i say catchup) and sweet pickles. i'm a bad ass. i'm afraid my seasonal work here is finished and it is finally time to embark on another journey in life. slumber. i know i don't miss anything when i sleep. i used to worry about the things i might not get to participate in during my frequent naps. i've come to realize that it's prolly best to let others have a chance to do things too, and sleeping also allows me to get the rest i need to enjoy the things i do, so it turns out to be a win/win for everyone. so even sleeping during the safe days end up being extra safe, even when they were pretty much already safe to begin with.

real RICH and red

dear what do we know diary,

my house now smells like a ketchup factory and ima sleep in this tonight. i used to bitch and  moan and carry on when i was little about how bad it stunk when my mom cooked tomatoes when she made ketchup, but it seems like she made it every single day when i was growing up AND she made it first thing in the morning and i cant handle that shit. no way. i put fresh ground pepper in this batch- a first- so ima name this year's brew, "cracked pepper late year," i've never made it this late in the season either. ima surprise my dad with it for his birthday and he will shit a pile of twigs prolly. he thinks i just blew it off this year, but i noticed he was running low on his supply. that's what good daughter's do- notice these kind of things i suppose, and then do something about it.

tilex for the shower

dear central scrutinizer diary,

knowing how things went all that time, it ain't difficult to figure out how it's gonna end up eventually, but just knowing the expiration date is the killer in the whole deal. will the bread mold today or in three days or will it skip molding and turn into edible breadcrumbs right before your very eyes. some of us always fake who we are and never even know our true selves. somehow we keep ourselves trapped in a plastic bubble and unable to breathe the fresh air that it takes to make our inner flowers bud and mature. mold is certainly a terrible thing growing in your basement and your heart. i love the feeling of dental floss between my teeth, especially the back ones. i never let anything mold there either.

the action i crave

dear before the beginning diary,

still lingering in the busy parking lot, a person could get used to the noises here. the rattles of the carts and occasional outburst from a child are almost calming until some motorcycle fucktard fires up his bike and scares the heebie jeebies out of you, i scare easily anyway but for crying out loud.... really? are we at sturgis? we went for a ride the other day and it almost killed me. i don't like the motorcycle and my days of pretending i do are over. my forehead feels like there is an ant farm crawling on it when i get off and i cant hear shit when i'm on there- so that pretty much does it for me. i'd rather ride a go-cart or a horse or even a pogo stick. at least it's quiet again and i can enjoy the sound of the shopping carts.

good thing i'm not funny

dear always diary,

being at walmart is fun for some and more fun for others. i am with the others again tonite, because while i am at walmart, i'm in the parking lot where all the fun happens. fun, i sure have had my fair share of that. i am lucky i haven't been charged extra for all the fun i've had. sometimes late at night- i wish i could stop having fun. it takes alot out of a person to have fun all the time. being funny is not always fun. it can take away the constant from the consistency to wake up angry or sad. going to the target for fun is not the answer, but it could be funny to watch or more fun than a trip to the walmart parking lot to prepare a evening post. 

watch them burn

dear turning diary,

if all the leaves are posta be turning, why are they falling already? turning and falling are two different things. however, i have fallen when i've turned before, yet i have also turned and then fell over- so that leads me to believe there is no certain order to falling or turning. sometimes just laying there seems like the best option. turning into something beautiful for some takes time, but yet other things seem to just appear hold phenomenal beauty at the moment of conception. why is this that certain species must grow upon us? listening to the powers of persuasion can often do more than turn an individual, it can cause some one to fall hard.

learning when to lick

dear swelled up diary,

i cant wait to clean the highchair tray. oh and i know it'll still be some time yet before i getta do all that shit, but ima get to do it and i cant wait. ima have my own highchair over here. ima set up my own little nursery for aubree so when i get done licking all over her she will have a safe place to retreat so becky and the grump wont try and take their turns licking all over her while i'm not supervising. becky is the licker in the family and it's gonna be hard keeping her from kissing on that baby i just know it. i can imagine the love between becky and aubree will be mighty strong- right from the very beginning, as becky longs to be a mother to something. becky sure does hang around lohan alot these days, gazing up at that big ole belly every chance she gets. i wish there was a whole litter inside there too sometimes, but for now one will prolly be plenty.

i'm mean to it

dear getting in to put out diary,

my upcoming burst of wetness should be everything i've been expecting. it is time for me to jump in there, but i am putting it off for a moment or two yet, i want to be with you for just a few more greedy seconds here before i rush off into reality again. i'm pretty excited about tonight and my fingernails are too, all but that one the polish keeps sliding off of. fucking piss me off. i'll fix it before i clammer out the door for my date though because i wont make as much money with a fuckered up nail. it will surly draw attention to my less attractive hand too, and we cant be havin all that. i need to consider shaving my armpits again because i don't know where all those extra tongues will roam, but as long as behind my knees are hair-free i may get away with it. yes, i will have to work very diligently tonight and pay close attention and charm my way to extra tips, my salary wont suffice. ima be needing my yearly additions of boots and jeans pretty soon here and i always need a fucking bra.

:)

if all else fails

dear water restriction diary,

taking a bath instead of a shower is more relaxing to me, but now that i've had a couple of weeks worth of showers it is hard for me to believe i devoted a whole year to bathing and nothing else. it kinda reminds me of when i stopped drinking milk one day when i was a kid. i just woke up one day and said, "no more," and that was it. i've never had a problem shutting things off when i know i want to do it. following directions has always been my biggest problem, or being told what to do rather. if the directions lay around long enough, well.... i might read them.

easy off (elbow grease)

dear above ground diary,

walking by my oven this morning, i couldn't help but extend my left arm and touch it with my hand as i passed by. i have an above ground oven with a see-thru glass door and last night after i cleaned it, i left it open with the oven light on and i haven't reassembled it yet. it is so perfect it ain't even right. see, last time i cleaned my oven, i lined the bottom with heavy duty tinfoil (like i always do) but between then and now- SOMEONE had an issue in the oven and removed the heavy duty foil and did not replace it and then had ANOTHER issue and ANOTHER issue and ANOTHER issue- until finally there was the fire last night and i just knew my grandma's oven floor was prolly ruined forever because i am lazy and i never cleaned it for so long and i'm stupid. i got one more chance it seems.

the watch in the pocket

dear country music diary,

i just woke up singing to an audience again. my drivel may be "bow ring" to some, but this is my life, and this dream was exciting as any real life could possibly be. i was a country music star this time and so was my whole family. we were getting ready to go on stage to perform and the skirt wouldn't quite cover my ass and my grandma was having herself a fit about it. i wasn't upset and neither were my mom or any of my aunts, who all were laughing at my plight. but after a firm tugging and adjustment my dress finally covered all it should and we were able to give our performance. i'm not sure where the leather came into the dream, but those bright ass lights are a great way to be certain you cant tell if anyone is trying to look up your skirt when you're on stage, i do know that from my wakeful life.

the county line

dear sitting here diary,

yep. on a picnic table in the dark i'm sitting here and i wont be able to publish until i get home or to mcdonalds, but i'll compose wherever i wish. it is my saturday night crawl about, compliments of the unibomber. he is playing in concert tonight and i needed air. loading up seemed like the best thing for everybody around, so becky and i left town. this is where most whores would be at the bar- i'll just betcha, but since i cant stand the taste of that shit- i figured i'd pass. east county line road is where i used to go to in times like these, but i don't anymore- a whore knows where she ain't welcome- the trees on the empty lot turn up their leaves at you. it is time to reclaim my territory i call home.