go on home

dear don't be nervous diary,

cant we just sit here? if you get caught and even mention my name i will kill you. and if your eyes get stuck up in your head from rolling them back so far- ima laugh. (music starts) wanna dance? you look good enough to eat, but if you knew how many people seriously thought you were gay- you wouldn't let me say that. but you do look so different. i know you hate lip gloss, that's why i wear it. my other date brought a toy gun. you aren't that special. (music ends.) nothing that happens up until now matters until later.

the foot of the tree

dear all brands all sized diary,

deciding was difficult, but i was determined to make the choice i presented myself with and i have now. i really don't feel much different than i did pre-decision, except maybe a little bit taller from standing up straighter. i wore my boots today. i get the greatest feeling from wearing my boots and they fit so tight on my feet. it's like the whole time my boots are around my legs, they are hugging and protecting them because of the intense love we feel for each other- (my boots and i). God blessed my home and all the homes i've ever lived in because he knew it would take a very special couch and many important people to watch over me until i get to the magic tree. if i get to the magic tree with my boots on- i could possibly gain 1/2" in measurable height, which would cause my feet to look even smaller and the illusion that my breasts are fuller.

free worms in the tackle box

dear high maintenance diary,

i love good news. it is common knowledge that when i get the good news- i like to spread it fast. today i was spreading at the old holiday inn. what an awesome terrain to share fun and good spirits. i've spent quite a bit of time out at the old holiday inn growing up and i'm not sure why. i did work there for awhile before i was twenty-one, but that's when it was a very busy place. i lost that job for serving alcohol before i was of age- i was the only bartender that came in that night- and i always made good tips, but when my boss came in and saw me- she threw a FIT. i don't really like going in to the bars very much. i know where all the trash lives in this town and i don't need to go out and meet more. but that new saloon by the lake seems perfect for any and all occasions- my brothas.

crammedup

deardiary,iknowitain'ttimetopost,butimadoitanyway.i'mbored.therearenosaintsinlouis.ilikeribsthough.myshoulderitchesnow.thesunisbeautifulandwarm.iwantanewphone.

the floormat post

Diary and Twitter, Thin floormats #sucK and i'm back out.

sticker bush

dear needing reminded diary,

there are those times i need poked a bit. it helps me to finish a thought when i quit thinking once in a while. for certain there are those times. i try and follow the rules but i dunno why i find it so hard, so when i find myself challenged- i just sit here or there or wherever i'm at. deep inside i know it's my turn, but i don't want to go. excited about things, yes that's me, i just don't know how else i can be.

no longer a victim screaming

dear yay is today diary,

while looking to the future, sometimes it pains me terribly when all i see is snippets of the past. i hear echoes of what has brought me to here and sometimes i smile. most of the time my inside smiles are upside down because that is what the past did to me- it turned everything upside down. i believe the very first milestone i reached was when i realized- it wasn't the day that made it a 'yay.' i cant let the past bother me, after all, it is no longer just my past. i have a clear path to the future now- with beautiful people and places who wait for me to arrive, this may be the first whole day i am happy to be alive.

sHasta head

dear attention all diaries,

with the trust of a child and the heart of an angel, i truly set out with the best of intentions. if you would have told me how things were going to turn out, well, ida called you a liar several times over. it's the 'yay' day in an hour and nineteen minutes and i'm ready. i no longer fear and avoid what hurt me, but i don't seek them out either.

one ticket LAKESIDE

dear having a day diary,

well, i had a hell of a day today kids. thinking i had a plan- thinking i was all prepared- thinking i was all ready to row my boat- and then, 'BOOM' out of nowhere- i couldn't find the right lake. i started the race almost twenty minutes late, i did, and some prolly wouldn't have started at all, i bet. the letter said clearly, "no late admissions," but i cant read- so that often helps and today it sure did. whew. but the macaroni and cheese was sure good at lunch, it was. i'm wishing i had some for dinner- i am. now that i've had a nap and cleared my head, i'm just glad this whole day has finally pushed off the record book. i know i wont get any trophies, put i will pay my fucking parking ticket within ten fucking days you mother fucking son of a cock sucking bitch for a TWO MINUTE EXPIRED METER MY FLAT STUPID FUCKING ASS- AT THE WRONG FUCKING LAKE.  

everyone should grow mums

dear at this juncture in time diary,

the time has come to chop down my hardy mums. i don't want to go through the process of saying good-bye to them, but hacking them completely off is what i do every year to maintain their beauty for next year. i trim my mums during the first week of july to ensure even growth and blooming patterns, but that is the only time during the season i cut on them until it is time to whack them off. i am so pleased with how they were this year- it warmed my heart every single time i saw them. their color was spectacular in every stage and even their green foliage was amazing. next year when they come back again, they will be even more mightier than this year and that is what i like to think about while i destroy them.

six days in virginia

dear with me now diary,

every once in a while you know. it isn't a question anymore, it becomes a quick fact. i loved my new toothbrush and then i replaced the head and now- i'm not going to like so much for a while. the first time i replaced the head it was great, but this time it keeps popping off. now i am pissed off. you prolly cant tell. i bought a two dollar toothbrush and i've never been happier. what i like about the two dollar toothbrush- it's light and convenient and ready all the time. another quick fact, if raindrops keep falling on your head, then your hair will prolly end up getting wet.

throw the garbage to the whore

dear trashed diary,

i like to have a plan before i pick up garbage off the floor. especially when there is a whole lot of garbage on the floor like there is tonight. i'm not looking for any reactions here, i have my own. the animal kids have torn up stuffed animals all over the bedroom here and i am left with the aftermath. it's hard to believe how all this mess came to be, but i'm looking at it. some one should teach these four legged children how to clean up after themselves.

the troops and the hoops

dear very best diary,

i don't need an entertainment package. i don't need night vision cameras. i just need a good underwire bra and some chapstick and i am good. i like it when my lips feel moist. i like olive oil on my cuticles too, but crisco will do- anything but butter bitch. i'm meeting some people today to decide what would be the best option when it comes time to make the choices necessary to complete a small but expensive task. it is the smaller things that cost the most sometimes, huh? why is that? i have a choice, but i've already made it. recruiting the finest is what i am all about and it's a difficult process around a junk yard, but i'll keep sifting through the shit pile until i find what i need. i've discovered the golden moments and generous rewards of what waits after all the dues are paid.

the pleasure was all mine

dear anyone who understands diary,

i know what sexual harassment is. i know what it means to be harassed and i know what it means to harass. waiving my confidentiality in this matter, i never spoke out because i thought i could handle the issue on my own. this exceeded all forms of common sense. i would have agreed to commit myself into a mental facility, or hospital, or even jail for further evaluation if it could have been determined the level of sexual harassment i'd endured over the period of time i'm alleging. i couldn't shake my sexual harassment and on some days i liked it. that's what was the hardest to accept for me, those occasional feelings of pleasure being sexually harassed gave me. i'll tell you what though, nothing and i mean NOTHING felt more satisfying than when i got to be the sexual harasser. 

babies in the yard

dear reading the tea leaves diary,

by in large, my diary represents the biggest part of what goes through my head at a given moment- a snapshot if you will- of the 'goings on' inside my tiny pea sized place where nothing makes sense really, but cents are made. today it all came together, that is, until it all fell apart, but for the few minutes it all worked, i remembered who i was. over the years the dirt has washed down the hill and now there is mud on the concrete and on the mud grows a thick layer of something that is not grass and not mold, but something in between- maybe moss carpet. i would have loved it as a kid, but as an adult i found it annoying- for i couldn't stop stepping in the shit and each time i did my buck forty body sunk three inches- but i didn't get muddy. i miss my sandbox. i'm not afraid of spiders anymore and that's prolly a good thing.

thoughts of fiber

dear if it didn't happen diary,

my nails are short once again. how nice is that? very nice i suppose. once upon a time before the roof caved in, i knew what was behind those walls. i'd sure hate to find out now what is behind there. if i had the chance to look, i might, but i didn't. there is just a tiny space now where the whole place used to be where i kept those special things i put there. i'm glad i left it open because if i had closed it there would be nothing left there at all, which turns out- there isn't anything in there anyway. only time will tell if what i told myself remains true or not, so right now i really cant say yet, but my idea of a pleasant afternoon wont be thinking about what i said. oh but every so often i wonder about things, usually when the shit wont come out of my ass. my heart will beat fast and i might even sweat and if i ate more fiber i wouldn't have this problem i'll betcha- i wonder.

licking the balls

dear great day fuck with balls diary,

ima stay in bed as long as i can today. i feel lazy, more so than usual. i'm happy to have gotten a new blow dryer and bra this past week. i needed both items. the grill cover, the tilt tv mount, the furnace filters, the windshield wipers, the sheets, all those things i prolly could have lived a little longer without, but it is nice to have more sheets. becky sure does like her new ducky and the grump shakes and trembles when he clutches his new kong ball. the grump is a crackhead. anything new in the package turns him into a mouth watering freak. this bitch will lock himself up in the corner and drool. i think it's sad really- why he acts that way. when he wakes up today he will find his new kong ball and do the same shit ALL OVER AGAIN. i licked his ball so he'll know i touched it and i've already spent fifteen minutes looking at the new ball while he's sleeping and it really isn't anything but a red smooth kong ball. i sure wont be touching (or licking) that fucking ball when he's awake.

a funny change in medical records

dear the eye of my mind diary,

i never laugh when my mind does something funny. there's a possibility it isn't a joke. what is funny anymore? the seriousness of life is like tall grass in a field. i stand back and admire the endless possibilities but yield myself to the concern. i am allergic to grass pollen, yet i still find it so attractive- so inviting. it's funny how things work isn't it? that is why i never laugh when my mind does something funny, even if it is a joke. life isn't always serious and i rarely yield. i'm allergic to lots of things other than grass. but i am not allergic to penicillin, like my mom said i was 28 years ago.

my uniform

dear tweet tweet diary,

i just brushed the biggest birds nest out of my hair. a huge nest of tangles that i have no idea where they came from. ima take a shower in a minute and put my new bra on. iffin it still fits the same way after i washed it tied up in a pillow case, ima buy six more when i am over in springfield later this week. i couldn't imagine having seven bras that fit. that buy two get one free sale is really making some sense if this one works out. i really like socks too. i should show y'all my latest pair. i think i will before i get in the shower.

the weekly lightning bolt of blessings

dear strike me twice diary,

my grandpa used to say the same prayer before every dinner and i can remember the words just as he spoke them, but my dad cant. he tries to recite the prayer that grandpa said and i never correct him when he gets it wrong. i'm just happy dad prays now. i used to beg him to come to church with us when i was little and he never would. when i said my prayers every night at the foot of my bed, i would ask Jesus to forgive my dad for not coming to church with us and my mom always said Jesus understood. "the blessings we receive from day to day..." is my favorite part of the prayer, where we are to give thanks for the special gifts that come into our lives everyday. i am thankful my dad goes to church now- my mom would be so happy about that. and the blessings, some days, like last sunday, the blessings are much bigger than others, but then you never know, this day ain't over yet.

cascade action tabs

dear pay the rent diary,

loading the dishwasher just now made me realize i haven't done that for a while. maria hasn't been here for a few weeks either and the sink is dirty behind the faucet. it's the little things i take for granted when my housekeeper blows me off multiple weeks in a row. i suppose it would be a great time to look for a new housekeeper or start doing some of the things myself. i wish i'd paid better attention to how it was she actually did some of those things i liked so much. just loading the dishwasher has fucked up my paintjob from last week. now ima either have to file down my nails shorter or just ignore them because i ain't painting them again until tuesday. i hate painting my nails now. it's boring. it makes me so tired. i used to paint them every day, looking back- i don't see how. but then i used to blog here twenty times a day and i cant do that anymore either- it seems. yes, one more year in bed. that is all i have left to do. then i can get up again.

the sun came up early today

dear nothing but a diary diary,

believing there is a reason for everything, i will always be left to wonder. however, ima take the day off from wondering about much of anything today. i'm going to actually cook breakfast for lunch this afternoon. there is something inside of me screaming for gravy again. i need it. i fucking love gravy anyway. i think everybody should, but i know they don't and that's on them. i'm so excited about this time change deal for tonight. i just love the darkness. i wish we could turn the clocks back two hours. ima try to go back to sleep, but it's going to be very difficult. the grump is snoring, the unibomber is snoring and becky is breathing heavy- oh and the birds started chirping an hour early.

der kommissar

dear raindrops keep falling on my diary,

fucking i just put new sheets on the bed and now they are filthy again from these blasted dogs jumping up and down all day long and i'm about ready to knock some heads together. brand new sheets- crispy even- now covered in mud. ima just rake them off and try and go another night because i just put them on. i really want to send the grump off to doggy boarding school for a couple of weeks. he needs a vacation. he needs to go and relax on a sandy beach and soak up some sun and sit with his paws in the water- maybe take a cruise. he is really wound up and some relaxation in st. croix might really help. i can see the grump running free on buck island. 

the prodigy

dear last image known diary,

in my mind i can still see what i believe to be the eyes that saved my life. maybe i am assigning too much value to those eyes, but in some way, they pulled me from the darkest of the dark. i paid a high price for my life, believe me, but the lessons hold the greatest wealth. i will never be that stupid whore i was ever again. i'm not looking forward to moving my big chest of drawers in my bedroom. but it will have to be done someday. the pictures and newspaper articles and notes that you wrote- they should have long been thrown away. but maybe i should keep them for another 400 days. LMAO. nah