dear having a hard time relaxing diary,
im eating an apple now. i like apples. they don't make me tired tho. i have a hard time at night. and it ain't cuz i nap during the whole entire waking day either so don't email me with those kind helpful tips about trying to stay awake during the day- it doesn't work. for me. nights are hard because its quiet. no traffic- no UPS man- nothing to make noise at me. and sometimes i just lay in bed and look up at the ceiling and that fucking lump gets in my throat. i hate that lump. i dunno why it comes either, i remind it of every reason it has not to come into my throat- yet it comes. i think its the guilt. the guilt of being so wrong about something. honestly- it still baffles me how 'off the charts' wrong i was about the whole deal, but knowing how it all turned out- i dunno- somehow makes it all ok. and that's fuckered up- in itself. i can only imagine now- that lump, and the ceilings above everyone else who lays below them. is there guilt weighing heavy there too? doubtful. still too much grief from their loss. im done grieving for that loss- you said you didn't want that anyway. but yet i do feel guilty. but not for the cuntface. not for one single second do i have one ounce of guilt or remorse for her.
im eating an apple now. i like apples. they don't make me tired tho. i have a hard time at night. and it ain't cuz i nap during the whole entire waking day either so don't email me with those kind helpful tips about trying to stay awake during the day- it doesn't work. for me. nights are hard because its quiet. no traffic- no UPS man- nothing to make noise at me. and sometimes i just lay in bed and look up at the ceiling and that fucking lump gets in my throat. i hate that lump. i dunno why it comes either, i remind it of every reason it has not to come into my throat- yet it comes. i think its the guilt. the guilt of being so wrong about something. honestly- it still baffles me how 'off the charts' wrong i was about the whole deal, but knowing how it all turned out- i dunno- somehow makes it all ok. and that's fuckered up- in itself. i can only imagine now- that lump, and the ceilings above everyone else who lays below them. is there guilt weighing heavy there too? doubtful. still too much grief from their loss. im done grieving for that loss- you said you didn't want that anyway. but yet i do feel guilty. but not for the cuntface. not for one single second do i have one ounce of guilt or remorse for her.
