July 9, 2011
ima explode real fast
dear now if we could get nancy grace to snuff herself out diary,
i used to be nancy's biggest fan, next to sheeba. for fucks sake. don't get me confused with her. but ever since this casey trial, i dunno, she kinda fell off her pedestal for me. really. she's always bitching about everything and can only see things her way and anyone with a different opinion may as well shoot themselves in the head. i have steady agreed with nancy all these years and now it hurts to say i think she is stuck. not everything is the way it seems and sometimes shit you think you know is OH SO DIFFERENT. i learned the hard way and i think most women are capable of learning the easy way- we all don't have to be stupid like i was. but i was a hard headed whore and it took a minute and nancy is hard headed too. but she'll come around that mountain one day and the devil will be just a dancin when she comes.
i used to be nancy's biggest fan, next to sheeba. for fucks sake. don't get me confused with her. but ever since this casey trial, i dunno, she kinda fell off her pedestal for me. really. she's always bitching about everything and can only see things her way and anyone with a different opinion may as well shoot themselves in the head. i have steady agreed with nancy all these years and now it hurts to say i think she is stuck. not everything is the way it seems and sometimes shit you think you know is OH SO DIFFERENT. i learned the hard way and i think most women are capable of learning the easy way- we all don't have to be stupid like i was. but i was a hard headed whore and it took a minute and nancy is hard headed too. but she'll come around that mountain one day and the devil will be just a dancin when she comes.
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| bongsmell tonight |
EVEL dick is dead
dear would you know what i meant diary,
i wonder how many of my readers would know what i meant if i wrote in my post "YAY! THE DICK IS DEAD!" ima pretend like everybody does and just go on and say DICK IS GONE AND I AM HAPPY. i'll see if i cant go back in my history and find the link and post what made the DICK shrivel up and go away... but- if i cant i'll show up again and i'll post it later. it is super stupid funny. k ima go look for it on twatter. xoxxoxoxo.
dead dick link click here to see why he died LMAO
i wonder how many of my readers would know what i meant if i wrote in my post "YAY! THE DICK IS DEAD!" ima pretend like everybody does and just go on and say DICK IS GONE AND I AM HAPPY. i'll see if i cant go back in my history and find the link and post what made the DICK shrivel up and go away... but- if i cant i'll show up again and i'll post it later. it is super stupid funny. k ima go look for it on twatter. xoxxoxoxo.
dead dick link click here to see why he died LMAO
flea infested scrapYard for $800
dear sitting here again diary,
my legs are crossed again like they always are when i sit here like this and next my feet will go numb. my curtains are drawn, but i'll betcha them garbage birds are peckin out there in that driveway still. they are all the fucking day long so i doubt they quit at night- the fat shitting fuckers. what makes birds stay in one certain area? the food prolly? cuz it ain't me. i ain't fucking nice to them AT ALL. i open my window and hiss at them sometimes when i get bored OR pissed off at the unibomber and he refuses to bicker with me. i hate it when he does that shit. when i want to argue- you better argue back or i will hurtcha. i'll get up from under my blanket and fuck you up. i will bring shit up from 1987 mother fucker- i am talking PURPLE RAIN AND MR. BROWNSTONE shit. oh yeah. but that's fine. ima relax for a while and give these sad folks a break. they deserve it. double jeopardy. i'd never make it on that show.
my legs are crossed again like they always are when i sit here like this and next my feet will go numb. my curtains are drawn, but i'll betcha them garbage birds are peckin out there in that driveway still. they are all the fucking day long so i doubt they quit at night- the fat shitting fuckers. what makes birds stay in one certain area? the food prolly? cuz it ain't me. i ain't fucking nice to them AT ALL. i open my window and hiss at them sometimes when i get bored OR pissed off at the unibomber and he refuses to bicker with me. i hate it when he does that shit. when i want to argue- you better argue back or i will hurtcha. i'll get up from under my blanket and fuck you up. i will bring shit up from 1987 mother fucker- i am talking PURPLE RAIN AND MR. BROWNSTONE shit. oh yeah. but that's fine. ima relax for a while and give these sad folks a break. they deserve it. double jeopardy. i'd never make it on that show.
onion eyes
dear sneaking back in diary,
well the moon is half full and i snuck back in. i made it. no drama. let me catch my breath before we move along down further. there is no mole on my head. it is a place i thought i would never have to go again, yet here i am- sneaking back in. when the moon is half full, i am there. there will be no need to look for me. each time i look into those eyes, i get lost- but i always seemed to find my way home again, prolly because you always dropped me back off or blinked. i was looking extra long because i knew i'd have to remember someday and i guess tonight is the night. i may as well do it right.
well the moon is half full and i snuck back in. i made it. no drama. let me catch my breath before we move along down further. there is no mole on my head. it is a place i thought i would never have to go again, yet here i am- sneaking back in. when the moon is half full, i am there. there will be no need to look for me. each time i look into those eyes, i get lost- but i always seemed to find my way home again, prolly because you always dropped me back off or blinked. i was looking extra long because i knew i'd have to remember someday and i guess tonight is the night. i may as well do it right.
closin up the fortune telling shop (temporarily)
dear i couldn't get my friend to say it diary,
when i saw my old friend the other night, deep into a conversation i asked her, "you know how i know things i kinda shouldn't know?" but she said she didn't know, or she wouldn't say it. i wondered for a long time why she wouldn't say it because i know she knows i know shit i shouldn't know, but now a couple of days later i'm wondering- do i really know what i know? i dunno know anymore. nothing seems as certain as it once did and second guessing is second nature now where as before i never did. 'are you kidding me' is a regular phrase in my daily vocabulary- where it certainly wasn't before, but then again so were the words 'retarded' and 'whore.' so ima put my rocks up and take my illuminated signs down and stop drinking the smart juice. no appointments til FURTHER NOTICE or halloween (witchever comes first ahahahahah.)
when i saw my old friend the other night, deep into a conversation i asked her, "you know how i know things i kinda shouldn't know?" but she said she didn't know, or she wouldn't say it. i wondered for a long time why she wouldn't say it because i know she knows i know shit i shouldn't know, but now a couple of days later i'm wondering- do i really know what i know? i dunno know anymore. nothing seems as certain as it once did and second guessing is second nature now where as before i never did. 'are you kidding me' is a regular phrase in my daily vocabulary- where it certainly wasn't before, but then again so were the words 'retarded' and 'whore.' so ima put my rocks up and take my illuminated signs down and stop drinking the smart juice. no appointments til FURTHER NOTICE or halloween (witchever comes first ahahahahah.)
escape route
dear shut the fuck up before i bust you upside your fuckin head diary,
my laptop is sitting on my palm size tub of hair gel because the fan is on the bottom and when it gets hot sitting on the bed it freezes up and wont do shit. so now i got smart while sitting here next to the two dogs who looked like wiener dogs until becky moved her ass so the grump could smell it. i sure am glad nobody wants to smell my ass anymore. the unibomber gives me all the privacy i ever wanted with my body and i have grown to appreciate that. i've really grown to appreciate that. when i wonder how much further into the future i can ride this appreciation and then i feel his thrusting tender affections and see his loving gestures towards mankind in general- it makes me want to get a calculator and figure up every waking moment i've spent here asleep verses every waking moment i've spent here trying to figure out ways to escape and then see where i'm at and approximately how many more poundings it will be before i am out of here.
my laptop is sitting on my palm size tub of hair gel because the fan is on the bottom and when it gets hot sitting on the bed it freezes up and wont do shit. so now i got smart while sitting here next to the two dogs who looked like wiener dogs until becky moved her ass so the grump could smell it. i sure am glad nobody wants to smell my ass anymore. the unibomber gives me all the privacy i ever wanted with my body and i have grown to appreciate that. i've really grown to appreciate that. when i wonder how much further into the future i can ride this appreciation and then i feel his thrusting tender affections and see his loving gestures towards mankind in general- it makes me want to get a calculator and figure up every waking moment i've spent here asleep verses every waking moment i've spent here trying to figure out ways to escape and then see where i'm at and approximately how many more poundings it will be before i am out of here.
my head is screwed on wrong
dear doing what i said i wasn't is exactly what i did diary,
i just woke up like the fag i should have been. fucking ain't even been up but an hour today and crash landed face first in my pillow and started yappin my ass off. that's right talking again- about stupid shit too. and i wasn't shutting up. the kicker- i was flippin off the firetrucks as they drove by my old house where i used to live- because i lived there again and knew there was no way they knew it was me living there yet. i felt safe in my old house on WILLIAM street and one firetruck after the other went by and i made sure to flip them all off. so i was screaming, "fuck you!" and "fuck you too!" and happy about doing it. someday all my dreams will come true and i wont even have to move to my old house to do relive one. i cant wait.
i just woke up like the fag i should have been. fucking ain't even been up but an hour today and crash landed face first in my pillow and started yappin my ass off. that's right talking again- about stupid shit too. and i wasn't shutting up. the kicker- i was flippin off the firetrucks as they drove by my old house where i used to live- because i lived there again and knew there was no way they knew it was me living there yet. i felt safe in my old house on WILLIAM street and one firetruck after the other went by and i made sure to flip them all off. so i was screaming, "fuck you!" and "fuck you too!" and happy about doing it. someday all my dreams will come true and i wont even have to move to my old house to do relive one. i cant wait.
i bite back
dear looking out my window with my legs crossed diary,
that is what i am doing now. just sitting here watching the birds eat. my dad says they are turtle doves. i say they are garbage pigeons. i hate them fat fucking birds because they shit everywhere. there's always two OR more of them in the driveway next door bellyaching. i got to cut all the grumps toenails yesterday, well last night actually. he let me. i used to have to take him to the vet and have him put to sleep til i finally got up enough courage to do it myself because the unibomber wont do shit. he wouldn't do anything with the kids either, but we don't need to get into that shit now i suppose. i got tired of paying almost sixty dollars to get his nails cut, so one day i fucking just said, "FUCK YOU BUDDY." and i've been doing it ever since. oh he will growl and put on this big show sometimes, but fuck him, he ain't bit me yet for that. no he saves biting me for when we go for a walk and i try to get him to leave the yard- you know- something painful like that.
that is what i am doing now. just sitting here watching the birds eat. my dad says they are turtle doves. i say they are garbage pigeons. i hate them fat fucking birds because they shit everywhere. there's always two OR more of them in the driveway next door bellyaching. i got to cut all the grumps toenails yesterday, well last night actually. he let me. i used to have to take him to the vet and have him put to sleep til i finally got up enough courage to do it myself because the unibomber wont do shit. he wouldn't do anything with the kids either, but we don't need to get into that shit now i suppose. i got tired of paying almost sixty dollars to get his nails cut, so one day i fucking just said, "FUCK YOU BUDDY." and i've been doing it ever since. oh he will growl and put on this big show sometimes, but fuck him, he ain't bit me yet for that. no he saves biting me for when we go for a walk and i try to get him to leave the yard- you know- something painful like that.
confusing- but i liked it
dear wearing a disguise diary,
playing house today, i decided to do things a bit different. ima treat myself the way a real woman does and show people around here how it's done. the first thing i want to do is hang baskets from my kitchen ceiling. i think that will show everyone around here that i will catch all the shit from now on. ima take down my alalon pans and stuff them under my stove. i have an above ground stove, we'll get to that later. now that my kewl baskets are hung, ima get the unibomber to clean the bathrooms and vacuum and dust while i go eat at fugi's and look at some travel brochures. i saw a really nice spa package and i heard about another flu epidemic in brazil i want to expose myself and my daughter to. you know we almost got the swine flu in mexico- but we barely missed it. i was pissed off. then i will update my facebook page and comment on wandtv again and drive by the crazy lady's house and call it a night. cuz you know i wont be gettin my hallway pounded like all those other nasty whores in town.
playing house today, i decided to do things a bit different. ima treat myself the way a real woman does and show people around here how it's done. the first thing i want to do is hang baskets from my kitchen ceiling. i think that will show everyone around here that i will catch all the shit from now on. ima take down my alalon pans and stuff them under my stove. i have an above ground stove, we'll get to that later. now that my kewl baskets are hung, ima get the unibomber to clean the bathrooms and vacuum and dust while i go eat at fugi's and look at some travel brochures. i saw a really nice spa package and i heard about another flu epidemic in brazil i want to expose myself and my daughter to. you know we almost got the swine flu in mexico- but we barely missed it. i was pissed off. then i will update my facebook page and comment on wandtv again and drive by the crazy lady's house and call it a night. cuz you know i wont be gettin my hallway pounded like all those other nasty whores in town.
over that shit now buddy
dear if anybody does wonder diary,
i have an excuse. or six. or nineteen. or forty one. or as many as you want. there are credible reasons why i have done half as many postings this week as usual. i tried to be depressed. you guys know that. i took time out of my week and everything- changed the sheets- got in bed- didn't eat- slept alot- didn't bathe- all of it. but i never really got into it- as hard as i tried- couldn't do it. then i started my pickles. sumbitch. then harry left for cuba camp and william came and i went to the laundrymat. then that big roast and the pickles again and i been busy. i've just been busy. my bangs are so long i cant hardly see and all i need are some scissors. i will give them bitches a whack whack whack and see if i cant see better in a minute. i have stocked up on sleep and i don't need another peep ima stay my dumb ass up all day. ima go get a rat and then come back and sweep the living room carpet for an hour today. half way through ima beat out the filter and empty the can and do it all over again. that way i know my shit is good to go and i didn't miss nuthin.
i have an excuse. or six. or nineteen. or forty one. or as many as you want. there are credible reasons why i have done half as many postings this week as usual. i tried to be depressed. you guys know that. i took time out of my week and everything- changed the sheets- got in bed- didn't eat- slept alot- didn't bathe- all of it. but i never really got into it- as hard as i tried- couldn't do it. then i started my pickles. sumbitch. then harry left for cuba camp and william came and i went to the laundrymat. then that big roast and the pickles again and i been busy. i've just been busy. my bangs are so long i cant hardly see and all i need are some scissors. i will give them bitches a whack whack whack and see if i cant see better in a minute. i have stocked up on sleep and i don't need another peep ima stay my dumb ass up all day. ima go get a rat and then come back and sweep the living room carpet for an hour today. half way through ima beat out the filter and empty the can and do it all over again. that way i know my shit is good to go and i didn't miss nuthin.
the blister that never popped
dear viewing my blister diary,
giving my blister away was prolly one of biggest regrets ever and now wondering if she even is still alive or not, well, that is what hurts me the most. it fucking eats at me. and i know she prolly ain't. for one she was inbred and for two she turned fucking twelve last november the 18th. i do not know the exact story of her conception, which brother fucked her mother and i'm glad, but she was the bestest dog ever and william dedicated his whole entire existence to her. when we got her- she was flea covered- had them in her eyes and everything. we rescued her. william fell hard for blister. she was so tiny. harry came home with chicken pox on november 4th that year and william and i got them two weeks later, the 18th, so when we found out she was born the same day we got chicken pox, william and i named her blister because it was either that or scab or scar and we thought blister fit her best. i had a dream about blister last night. i saw her face and she cried one last tear as she died right before my eyes. blister went from a blister to a scar. there was no scab i'm afraid.
giving my blister away was prolly one of biggest regrets ever and now wondering if she even is still alive or not, well, that is what hurts me the most. it fucking eats at me. and i know she prolly ain't. for one she was inbred and for two she turned fucking twelve last november the 18th. i do not know the exact story of her conception, which brother fucked her mother and i'm glad, but she was the bestest dog ever and william dedicated his whole entire existence to her. when we got her- she was flea covered- had them in her eyes and everything. we rescued her. william fell hard for blister. she was so tiny. harry came home with chicken pox on november 4th that year and william and i got them two weeks later, the 18th, so when we found out she was born the same day we got chicken pox, william and i named her blister because it was either that or scab or scar and we thought blister fit her best. i had a dream about blister last night. i saw her face and she cried one last tear as she died right before my eyes. blister went from a blister to a scar. there was no scab i'm afraid.
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| i love you always |
peanut bag of puke
dear would you rather diary,
i woke up screaming with vomit in my throat, i ate pizza and fell asleep. up now for shore. four in the mourning lights in my face. that shit was nasty and made me sick. now the only thing that sounds good is gravy, but i ain't making any- i am too lazy. it is too early or it is too late, either way you look at it- i still ain't making shit. but you can. i don't want to be up. but i am. i'll be back down shortly- and return to the place i love that is orderly- where all the kind people await and nobody stops around with hate.
i woke up screaming with vomit in my throat, i ate pizza and fell asleep. up now for shore. four in the mourning lights in my face. that shit was nasty and made me sick. now the only thing that sounds good is gravy, but i ain't making any- i am too lazy. it is too early or it is too late, either way you look at it- i still ain't making shit. but you can. i don't want to be up. but i am. i'll be back down shortly- and return to the place i love that is orderly- where all the kind people await and nobody stops around with hate.
coziahr ur hair is funny
dear pink ribbons and green heart stickers diary,
and if you come over to my house with a PINK RIBBON on your bike from say- a POKER RUN- or a GREEN HEART stuck on your mirror, ima cut the ribbon OFF and peel the sticker OFF the mirror and mail the sticker back to your residence a few months later from CALIFORNIA on a CHRISTMAS CARD after i've made an appearance on national tv IN YOUR SHIRT prolly. or maybe not.
and if you come over to my house with a PINK RIBBON on your bike from say- a POKER RUN- or a GREEN HEART stuck on your mirror, ima cut the ribbon OFF and peel the sticker OFF the mirror and mail the sticker back to your residence a few months later from CALIFORNIA on a CHRISTMAS CARD after i've made an appearance on national tv IN YOUR SHIRT prolly. or maybe not.
July 8, 2011
gimme forty dollars
dear eyes welded shut with cheese diary,
something sounds good for dinner, but i haven't decided what yet. part of me wants pizza, part of me wants chicken, part of me wants ribs, part of me mexican, so i dunno anymore. shit- a pancake just flashed in my mind- a pancake with some orange marmalade. i am still waiting on my corn on the cob, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, but here i sit- thinking again- watching becky watch her commercials. things are funny here sometimes. i'm so happy things stay between the lines. i look around and see the crap on the floor but it does not bother me because i am a whore.
something sounds good for dinner, but i haven't decided what yet. part of me wants pizza, part of me wants chicken, part of me wants ribs, part of me mexican, so i dunno anymore. shit- a pancake just flashed in my mind- a pancake with some orange marmalade. i am still waiting on my corn on the cob, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, but here i sit- thinking again- watching becky watch her commercials. things are funny here sometimes. i'm so happy things stay between the lines. i look around and see the crap on the floor but it does not bother me because i am a whore.
an afterlife guide
dear yee hawl diary,
my tummy is making the scary chocolate cupcake noises again. whenever i eat a chocolate cupcake (which i love) my belly gets angry and loud. the more chocolate cupcakes i eat, the louder my tummy gets. the thing about my stomach's announcement today though, has absolutely nothing to do with cupcakes- cuz i ain't had one of those in a week or two. better late than never? i guess. here come.. join the party. i hate parties, but i love cupcakes. how did that happen. i'd rather have a cupcake than a gift too. three thousand americans will die from food poisoning this year and one prolly wont be the unibomber. he eats his food damn near burnt up. i like my meat bloody raw so that's on me and a risk i assume.
my tummy is making the scary chocolate cupcake noises again. whenever i eat a chocolate cupcake (which i love) my belly gets angry and loud. the more chocolate cupcakes i eat, the louder my tummy gets. the thing about my stomach's announcement today though, has absolutely nothing to do with cupcakes- cuz i ain't had one of those in a week or two. better late than never? i guess. here come.. join the party. i hate parties, but i love cupcakes. how did that happen. i'd rather have a cupcake than a gift too. three thousand americans will die from food poisoning this year and one prolly wont be the unibomber. he eats his food damn near burnt up. i like my meat bloody raw so that's on me and a risk i assume.
all the important dates; under the bus
dear tracking down diary,
if you cant find me, i'm under the bus. i have a permanent place under there. i'm comfortable under the bus. you don't have to go under cover to find me. but if you do, we could stay under the covers and have a little fun. i'm ready to head back there now actually. i wont have much impact on this day- i ain't afraid of fucking much up for anybody. i gotta skim my pickles and that's about it. a nap will help me remember how to do that. in my gas log today, another entry, seven-eight-nine, it said, "all out of time. ily"
if you cant find me, i'm under the bus. i have a permanent place under there. i'm comfortable under the bus. you don't have to go under cover to find me. but if you do, we could stay under the covers and have a little fun. i'm ready to head back there now actually. i wont have much impact on this day- i ain't afraid of fucking much up for anybody. i gotta skim my pickles and that's about it. a nap will help me remember how to do that. in my gas log today, another entry, seven-eight-nine, it said, "all out of time. ily"
over and out
dear throwing the blanket around diary,
now that my blanket has a big hole completely through the middle of it, i wear it like a sash. i wanted to sew a sheet on it and make it whole again, but it is to far gone i am afraid. back to plan A- burn the bitch and sprinkle the ashes in the pacific. when do you draw the line though? cuz i still cover up with it. there is no sense in getting ahead of myself- i haven't started the fire. you know, when we get to this point in the year, i always start looking forward to september and october. then when it gets here- i feel guilty because i wanted it that way. it's just that i love the way the sun shines down on the earth when it is the season furthest from my birth. it's the the way the air tastes when the leaves start to change and i wear my hair down and my boots everyday i like best. the world just keeps going around and around and someday my worn out blanket will burn and drown. but until that day does come and pass, i will continue to cover my ass with it.
now that my blanket has a big hole completely through the middle of it, i wear it like a sash. i wanted to sew a sheet on it and make it whole again, but it is to far gone i am afraid. back to plan A- burn the bitch and sprinkle the ashes in the pacific. when do you draw the line though? cuz i still cover up with it. there is no sense in getting ahead of myself- i haven't started the fire. you know, when we get to this point in the year, i always start looking forward to september and october. then when it gets here- i feel guilty because i wanted it that way. it's just that i love the way the sun shines down on the earth when it is the season furthest from my birth. it's the the way the air tastes when the leaves start to change and i wear my hair down and my boots everyday i like best. the world just keeps going around and around and someday my worn out blanket will burn and drown. but until that day does come and pass, i will continue to cover my ass with it.
July 7, 2011
the rules are...
dear always go with the consensus diary,
on the news tonight i saw what i already knew, cuntface karen's opinion. i could have told you what it would be, but then i think everyone could have. something about how an innocent woman doesn't wait 31 days to report a missing child. she wasn't missing. AND, you do if your dad says he's got everything under control- just lookin at it another way- now that we've been forced to. i always said she was gettin off. the state had their dick out and hard too long. the unibomber and i went through some scenarios with william and there are ways it could have happened- i suppose. but you gotta reach hard and let go of the anger and for some that's all but impossible. SHOUT OUT CUNTFACE.
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on the news tonight i saw what i already knew, cuntface karen's opinion. i could have told you what it would be, but then i think everyone could have. something about how an innocent woman doesn't wait 31 days to report a missing child. she wasn't missing. AND, you do if your dad says he's got everything under control- just lookin at it another way- now that we've been forced to. i always said she was gettin off. the state had their dick out and hard too long. the unibomber and i went through some scenarios with william and there are ways it could have happened- i suppose. but you gotta reach hard and let go of the anger and for some that's all but impossible. SHOUT OUT CUNTFACE.
re-runs SO suck
dear feeling cheated diary,
when you see a gallon of milk in the paper for $1.99 and you bust up in the store, that's what you expect to pay for it- $1.99. that's solid advertisement. but when you get all the way to the back of the store and the sign reads $3.29 and that ain't what the paper said- that's shady advertising and the store needs blown up. i fucking applied for a job that was to hire thirteen people from the general public, and they hired six rehires, then two were hired from a temporary agency, and that left FIVE slots for the public and i feel cheated as a mother fucker. a ONE IN FIVE CHANCE. unreal. UNFUCKING REAL. postal.
when you see a gallon of milk in the paper for $1.99 and you bust up in the store, that's what you expect to pay for it- $1.99. that's solid advertisement. but when you get all the way to the back of the store and the sign reads $3.29 and that ain't what the paper said- that's shady advertising and the store needs blown up. i fucking applied for a job that was to hire thirteen people from the general public, and they hired six rehires, then two were hired from a temporary agency, and that left FIVE slots for the public and i feel cheated as a mother fucker. a ONE IN FIVE CHANCE. unreal. UNFUCKING REAL. postal.
painting over the toeshit
dear bringing it all back diary,
a hand signal don't mean a damn thing when you don't think to look at for a hand. yeah. sleeping in a bed does wonders if you can make it to the bed, or if you can find the bed, or if there is even a bed. washing your hair in dirty water wont do much good, but it will offer up an exchange of new dirt. i think crooked teeth are sexy sometimes- depending on which ones they are. i mean if it's the front ones that are twisted around- well maybe that ain't so cool. but i like teeth and i like feet those are my two favorite things so i think when i get home later i will paint my toenails. on the seventh day of the seventh month of the seventh year it was saturday, not a thursday like today- five years later. i dunno about you but i had very good luck five years ago. i wrote in my gas log, like i always used to do, i made a little happy face and wrote 'ily.'
a hand signal don't mean a damn thing when you don't think to look at for a hand. yeah. sleeping in a bed does wonders if you can make it to the bed, or if you can find the bed, or if there is even a bed. washing your hair in dirty water wont do much good, but it will offer up an exchange of new dirt. i think crooked teeth are sexy sometimes- depending on which ones they are. i mean if it's the front ones that are twisted around- well maybe that ain't so cool. but i like teeth and i like feet those are my two favorite things so i think when i get home later i will paint my toenails. on the seventh day of the seventh month of the seventh year it was saturday, not a thursday like today- five years later. i dunno about you but i had very good luck five years ago. i wrote in my gas log, like i always used to do, i made a little happy face and wrote 'ily.'
mouth raping is fun
dear i do believe it is time diary,
i have no excuse. i really don't. but i am sure diggin for one. i really am. trying hard to stay in this bed. the unibomber done already asked me if i was going to take a shower today and i ain't. i told him i wasn't. if i did anything i would take a bath. and now that he has said something- i feel like i don't even want to do that now. i feel like if you want some one pretty to look at, go find some one who will dress up. you're not going to lick me- so what the fuck. the unibomber was just mean to the grump. the let becky climb up and kiss all over him, but when the grump tried to he kicked him off telling him, "get off me, you're too big." that has me thinking. maybe i'm too big as well. maybe that's why i kick him off when he climbs on me- because he's too little. i still ain't taking a bath OR brushing my teeth. i'll be safe another day. the grump ain't too big for me.
i have no excuse. i really don't. but i am sure diggin for one. i really am. trying hard to stay in this bed. the unibomber done already asked me if i was going to take a shower today and i ain't. i told him i wasn't. if i did anything i would take a bath. and now that he has said something- i feel like i don't even want to do that now. i feel like if you want some one pretty to look at, go find some one who will dress up. you're not going to lick me- so what the fuck. the unibomber was just mean to the grump. the let becky climb up and kiss all over him, but when the grump tried to he kicked him off telling him, "get off me, you're too big." that has me thinking. maybe i'm too big as well. maybe that's why i kick him off when he climbs on me- because he's too little. i still ain't taking a bath OR brushing my teeth. i'll be safe another day. the grump ain't too big for me.
dogs belong in the house
dear meal tickets and water spickets diary,
where the water comes out is where i get my food. seriously. when i was a small evil child, our garbage man came on saturday mornings and during the summertime our water spicket on the back at dad's was the best for drinking straight out of because it was high enough up you could get under it and get a fucking good ass drink. you still can- as a matter of fact, but when you turn it on it makes a water noise you can hear throughout the whole back of the house- so when i was a kid i always knew when the garbage went because the garbage man always got a drink at our house. i can still remember what he looked like, the garbage man, and that i find very odd since i have that facial recognition disorder. i do remember him though. and i could draw a composite sketch iffin i had to. my dog in the back yard, rusty, used to bark and bite at anyone who would even try to come back there. anyone that is, except the garbage man. my dad will even tell you, the garbage man just had it like that. he could come behind the house and get a drink and do his thing to our can and leave and rusty never made a move. i never did see anything like it. but boy when the city would come and my mom would make them come through the basement door to read the water meter, rusty would come off his chain.
where the water comes out is where i get my food. seriously. when i was a small evil child, our garbage man came on saturday mornings and during the summertime our water spicket on the back at dad's was the best for drinking straight out of because it was high enough up you could get under it and get a fucking good ass drink. you still can- as a matter of fact, but when you turn it on it makes a water noise you can hear throughout the whole back of the house- so when i was a kid i always knew when the garbage went because the garbage man always got a drink at our house. i can still remember what he looked like, the garbage man, and that i find very odd since i have that facial recognition disorder. i do remember him though. and i could draw a composite sketch iffin i had to. my dog in the back yard, rusty, used to bark and bite at anyone who would even try to come back there. anyone that is, except the garbage man. my dad will even tell you, the garbage man just had it like that. he could come behind the house and get a drink and do his thing to our can and leave and rusty never made a move. i never did see anything like it. but boy when the city would come and my mom would make them come through the basement door to read the water meter, rusty would come off his chain.
the blind stupid smelly wide cunt
dear which time diary,
my phone woke me up this morning but i wasn't mad. i was wanting to watch the sentencing just like everyone else in the world and she had her hair down today. roger wanted to know how cuntface found out. i wanted to clarify- which time you talking about roger? let's see.... where to begin.. there was the time in the shower in late 2005. there was that time. there was the time when the buttons were all popped off the couch in their living room. there was that time. there was the time my mascara stained their towel. there was the time in front of the hospital when she busted her husband smiling on a phone that wasn't the one she paid for in june of 2006. there was the time my four foot long hair was pulled from the seat in the malibu. i left my winning pick 4 lottery ticket in the car, 3393, there was that. then the hero lost his wedding ring, BIG FLAG, nope.. no flag there... that's when i fucking gave up, threw that bitch right on out the window and got serious. three months off from his hero job he was suspended for his penis ending up on the city manager's desk, which i had nothing to do with and that was THE BEST, so i took that picture a few years later and sent it to his cuntface wife via TEXT MESSAGE. after MANY exchanges of lovely texts between cuntface and i, and remember, i didn't know the hero had a new girlfriend julie, whom he'd already professed his love to cuntface for- WHILE HE WAS STILL FUCKING WITH ME, cuntface had called the police because she thought i was the julie girl and the police found me not julie and then proceeded to tell CUNTFACE about ME and ME about JULIE and the next thing i knew an ORDER OF PROTECTION CAME. then cuntface STARTED FOLLOWING ME AROUND, and LIED had me VIOLATED in the court PARKING LOT. then i went to jail, then trial, then finally almost a YEAR later we got to court for the order of protection and we both lost and the judge GRANTED it "until further notice from the court," not the regular two years- like everyone else in the county. they've accused me of, peeing in their gas tanks, poisoning their dogs, fucking with their porch light, putting wrenches in their tires, breaking licence plate covers, egging motorcycles, honking, and other simply shrewd and horrible acts. the judge didn't buy it. but the family court judge said it was ok to be a married hero and cheat on your wife as long as you do it with an unmarried whore.
my phone woke me up this morning but i wasn't mad. i was wanting to watch the sentencing just like everyone else in the world and she had her hair down today. roger wanted to know how cuntface found out. i wanted to clarify- which time you talking about roger? let's see.... where to begin.. there was the time in the shower in late 2005. there was that time. there was the time when the buttons were all popped off the couch in their living room. there was that time. there was the time my mascara stained their towel. there was the time in front of the hospital when she busted her husband smiling on a phone that wasn't the one she paid for in june of 2006. there was the time my four foot long hair was pulled from the seat in the malibu. i left my winning pick 4 lottery ticket in the car, 3393, there was that. then the hero lost his wedding ring, BIG FLAG, nope.. no flag there... that's when i fucking gave up, threw that bitch right on out the window and got serious. three months off from his hero job he was suspended for his penis ending up on the city manager's desk, which i had nothing to do with and that was THE BEST, so i took that picture a few years later and sent it to his cuntface wife via TEXT MESSAGE. after MANY exchanges of lovely texts between cuntface and i, and remember, i didn't know the hero had a new girlfriend julie, whom he'd already professed his love to cuntface for- WHILE HE WAS STILL FUCKING WITH ME, cuntface had called the police because she thought i was the julie girl and the police found me not julie and then proceeded to tell CUNTFACE about ME and ME about JULIE and the next thing i knew an ORDER OF PROTECTION CAME. then cuntface STARTED FOLLOWING ME AROUND, and LIED had me VIOLATED in the court PARKING LOT. then i went to jail, then trial, then finally almost a YEAR later we got to court for the order of protection and we both lost and the judge GRANTED it "until further notice from the court," not the regular two years- like everyone else in the county. they've accused me of, peeing in their gas tanks, poisoning their dogs, fucking with their porch light, putting wrenches in their tires, breaking licence plate covers, egging motorcycles, honking, and other simply shrewd and horrible acts. the judge didn't buy it. but the family court judge said it was ok to be a married hero and cheat on your wife as long as you do it with an unmarried whore.
face breaker
dear troubling to have an identity diary,
some crimes are so serious that being innocent is not even a defense. it would suck to be known before you get somewhere. you can change your name butcha cant change who you are. i suppose that's what the wise man meant when he ran around and said, "you can run, but you cant hide." the deal breaker for me is when the lies begin. if you need to make yourself look better then chances are there's something that's dirty and needs covered up. i would say that i've done my fair share of the clean up, but keeping it at the ground level thankfully, my top heavy lies from the hero era caved in and the cleanup efforts have been substantial and honestly, i couldn't be happier with the progress and near completion.
some crimes are so serious that being innocent is not even a defense. it would suck to be known before you get somewhere. you can change your name butcha cant change who you are. i suppose that's what the wise man meant when he ran around and said, "you can run, but you cant hide." the deal breaker for me is when the lies begin. if you need to make yourself look better then chances are there's something that's dirty and needs covered up. i would say that i've done my fair share of the clean up, but keeping it at the ground level thankfully, my top heavy lies from the hero era caved in and the cleanup efforts have been substantial and honestly, i couldn't be happier with the progress and near completion.
quite the appetite
dear making believe diary,
sometimes i like to sit here and make believe that i could possibly kill him. i like to imagine how i would and how it would feel and how i would clean up the mess and where i would eat afterwards. i know i would be starving when i was done and i would want a fantastic meal. prolly chicken and biscuits. if people respond to trauma in various ways, then so far i have done a fairly terrific and responsible job of myself. it never hurts to have a plan. it isn't a shame for the normal-ist of whores to reach inside the deepest part of the darkest part of our souls to purge the silliest of ideas just to rid them- to make room for more possibly. i've got plenty of room now- i am having new ideas and i am starving.
sometimes i like to sit here and make believe that i could possibly kill him. i like to imagine how i would and how it would feel and how i would clean up the mess and where i would eat afterwards. i know i would be starving when i was done and i would want a fantastic meal. prolly chicken and biscuits. if people respond to trauma in various ways, then so far i have done a fairly terrific and responsible job of myself. it never hurts to have a plan. it isn't a shame for the normal-ist of whores to reach inside the deepest part of the darkest part of our souls to purge the silliest of ideas just to rid them- to make room for more possibly. i've got plenty of room now- i am having new ideas and i am starving.
July 6, 2011
buying the condo
dear known and grown up fact diary,
if i stay in bed long enough, i'll go to sleep. no matter what's on the tv or who is on top of me. i'm a very tired person. even when i am wide awake i get tired pretty fast. plus i don't really like being awake. things that happen in my sleep bring me much more pleasure it seems like and my world is safer. when my eyes are shut i know who everyone is, i know where everything is at and i know how everything will turn out. there are even times i can fly. now you tell me, who wouldn't give up an ordinary day in the conscious mundane world for a moment in a place like that.
if i stay in bed long enough, i'll go to sleep. no matter what's on the tv or who is on top of me. i'm a very tired person. even when i am wide awake i get tired pretty fast. plus i don't really like being awake. things that happen in my sleep bring me much more pleasure it seems like and my world is safer. when my eyes are shut i know who everyone is, i know where everything is at and i know how everything will turn out. there are even times i can fly. now you tell me, who wouldn't give up an ordinary day in the conscious mundane world for a moment in a place like that.
irene goodnight
dear stupid is as stupid does diary,
i am tired and hungry and gunna finish watching toystory3 in a minute. i couldn't imagine being a child and watching that movie from a car seat. wow. it is a terrific movie though, i started watching it earlier and fell asleep at 29 minutes. i keep wondering where the kids are. and they ain't here. AHAHAHA. man this is nice. SHOUT OUT LOUD ASS KIDS. i went to the store and omfg, OMFG, my head almost exploded because of a child screaming FOR NO REASON all throughout the entire store WITHOUT A BREAK. my kids never did that shit- THEYDA HAD A REASON. if that bellowing child would have been in my cart, things would have been MUCH different for the other shoppers.
i am tired and hungry and gunna finish watching toystory3 in a minute. i couldn't imagine being a child and watching that movie from a car seat. wow. it is a terrific movie though, i started watching it earlier and fell asleep at 29 minutes. i keep wondering where the kids are. and they ain't here. AHAHAHA. man this is nice. SHOUT OUT LOUD ASS KIDS. i went to the store and omfg, OMFG, my head almost exploded because of a child screaming FOR NO REASON all throughout the entire store WITHOUT A BREAK. my kids never did that shit- THEYDA HAD A REASON. if that bellowing child would have been in my cart, things would have been MUCH different for the other shoppers.
"OUCH"
dear important ledger diary,
let the record show that i have done my very very best to become depressed but being in this bed for two days is taking its toll. i got the chicken done. so that's really good. now i've got to throw down in the kitchen. i've got more pickles and pies and tomatoes coming and corn next week. i cant be fucking around. that's why i thought if i needed to take a mental time out- it should be this week because next week- i ain't got time. but then william came and RUINED MY 'BAD' MOOD and now i'm all happy again. maybe the grump will bite me on my foot if i cram it in his mouth- that would prolly make me laugh though and i'd still be in a good mood. i guess i'll try and be depressed again tomorrow. i know i'm supposed to be upset still, and i have the time all set aside and everything- but the issue that should be breaking my heart- AIN'T- i'm in bed because there's a bunch a shit on the couch.
let the record show that i have done my very very best to become depressed but being in this bed for two days is taking its toll. i got the chicken done. so that's really good. now i've got to throw down in the kitchen. i've got more pickles and pies and tomatoes coming and corn next week. i cant be fucking around. that's why i thought if i needed to take a mental time out- it should be this week because next week- i ain't got time. but then william came and RUINED MY 'BAD' MOOD and now i'm all happy again. maybe the grump will bite me on my foot if i cram it in his mouth- that would prolly make me laugh though and i'd still be in a good mood. i guess i'll try and be depressed again tomorrow. i know i'm supposed to be upset still, and i have the time all set aside and everything- but the issue that should be breaking my heart- AIN'T- i'm in bed because there's a bunch a shit on the couch.
empty nest and floppy breast
dear i am bored here diary,
in my bed tonight the festivities are dull. nothing happening here yet. i thought there would be something going on by now- but no such luck. i gave away all my perfume tonight. yup. sure did. all except my favorite kind i could never get rid of. every single kind the hero loved i shipped off in a box i stole from harry's room. he will be pissed off to find out he is down a box, but i was done with the perfume and needed something to transport it in. i couldn't wear it and i couldn't smell it either- so i had to give it to someone i don't smell alot. my cupboards are empty now and i don't miss anything that is gone. whores have a natural smell about them and i like my smell down there enough to just dab it all over sometimes when i go out camping. it keeps the bugs and trolls off.
in my bed tonight the festivities are dull. nothing happening here yet. i thought there would be something going on by now- but no such luck. i gave away all my perfume tonight. yup. sure did. all except my favorite kind i could never get rid of. every single kind the hero loved i shipped off in a box i stole from harry's room. he will be pissed off to find out he is down a box, but i was done with the perfume and needed something to transport it in. i couldn't wear it and i couldn't smell it either- so i had to give it to someone i don't smell alot. my cupboards are empty now and i don't miss anything that is gone. whores have a natural smell about them and i like my smell down there enough to just dab it all over sometimes when i go out camping. it keeps the bugs and trolls off.
goin in there
dear during the pause diary,
being free is being there and being there is being square and i cant believe they might shut the post office down in milmine. we always went to the fireworks in milmine. took the boys over there to the huge display. i hated going because of the noise, but i went because i was scared to be alone. i have been so busy all of this day, i even got out of bed and went far away. back in the bed now and fat as a cow it is hard to be depressed about shit when you don't know how to obsess about things that make no difference anymore and haven't for awhile since i've accepted my status as a whore. that meat i threatened to make today was the best i ever had. i made william take some over to my dad. now that william has left to go home and poor harry has sailed off to cuba, ima go to bed and sleep until i'm stupid-uh.
being free is being there and being there is being square and i cant believe they might shut the post office down in milmine. we always went to the fireworks in milmine. took the boys over there to the huge display. i hated going because of the noise, but i went because i was scared to be alone. i have been so busy all of this day, i even got out of bed and went far away. back in the bed now and fat as a cow it is hard to be depressed about shit when you don't know how to obsess about things that make no difference anymore and haven't for awhile since i've accepted my status as a whore. that meat i threatened to make today was the best i ever had. i made william take some over to my dad. now that william has left to go home and poor harry has sailed off to cuba, ima go to bed and sleep until i'm stupid-uh.
anticipating more from a sleeping whore
dear future and past diary,
today tomorrow and yesterday,
i am still here and i have to say,
things aren't much different for me
and that is okay.
i could have told you it would be this way.
twenty thousand stawkers came through my door,
prolly 99% think ima whore,
maybe i really am a whore to some,
i didn't know it could be this fun.
i am now ready to drivel on twenty thousand more.
laying on these sheets will be good for me,
eating watermelon and roast and watching tv,
i have five days left to try and be depressed,
for the rest of my life- i don't have to get dressed,
living as a whore- could be the best way of life, we'll see.
gritts and cheese
dear knitting socks diary,
whose been eating crackers in my bed? i don't usually eat crackers without soup or cheese or sausage. i'd eat that shit now. becky is a crumby dog. that is really my only complaint. i thought being the little short haired dog she is that she'd be a cleaner dog, but she's dusty, gritty and just flaky. but i love her. i tell her all the time. she could have strings of mud hanging off of her- and sometimes she does- and i still spoon her.
whose been eating crackers in my bed? i don't usually eat crackers without soup or cheese or sausage. i'd eat that shit now. becky is a crumby dog. that is really my only complaint. i thought being the little short haired dog she is that she'd be a cleaner dog, but she's dusty, gritty and just flaky. but i love her. i tell her all the time. she could have strings of mud hanging off of her- and sometimes she does- and i still spoon her.
hours on the bulb
dear florescent lights at grandma's diary,
it always took a few seconds for the kitchen light to come all the way on at grandma's house. then, there was the bugs that flew up there at the light and died. what was kinda weird though was how when we moved to our farm, we had the exact same kind of light in our country kitchen and it too drew in the bugs. none of the other lights in the house were like that light- and so that i thought was creepy. it always had that morning hum that seemed only to be heard in the mornings, or in he middle of the night- which technically is the morning. yup, i'm missin the lights over my head, but i have six days left in my bed.
it always took a few seconds for the kitchen light to come all the way on at grandma's house. then, there was the bugs that flew up there at the light and died. what was kinda weird though was how when we moved to our farm, we had the exact same kind of light in our country kitchen and it too drew in the bugs. none of the other lights in the house were like that light- and so that i thought was creepy. it always had that morning hum that seemed only to be heard in the mornings, or in he middle of the night- which technically is the morning. yup, i'm missin the lights over my head, but i have six days left in my bed.
glade on out of here
dear damn shit hail mother fucker twat ass diary,
the grump just farted and stunk up the entire area. we all have issues, some of us just burp and fart and have more internal gas than others. i couldn't be with a man who burped all the time. i'm just sayin. and blowing out the cracked window- doesn't even help- if i might add. cupping and catching your fart in your hand and releasing it above your head- in hopes it will stink somewhere else, well- that doesn't work so good either, but i'm sure someone has clued you in by now eh?? the bed has been a fairly festive place tonight and i still haven't done my chicken. i'll do it. maybe in the middle of the night the bird will pull me from my bed.
the grump just farted and stunk up the entire area. we all have issues, some of us just burp and fart and have more internal gas than others. i couldn't be with a man who burped all the time. i'm just sayin. and blowing out the cracked window- doesn't even help- if i might add. cupping and catching your fart in your hand and releasing it above your head- in hopes it will stink somewhere else, well- that doesn't work so good either, but i'm sure someone has clued you in by now eh?? the bed has been a fairly festive place tonight and i still haven't done my chicken. i'll do it. maybe in the middle of the night the bird will pull me from my bed.
July 5, 2011
a week in the bed; i was tired anyway
dear motivation diary,
i'm not getting up. i'm not rolling over. i'm not doing shit. i've got a royal headache and really don't feel like doing shit, but i need to get up and go freeze that chicken. chicken. chicken is going to get me out of this bed. imagine that. of all things in this world. chicken. a bird. you know i hate birds. but i love fajitas. i'm on this onion kick for some reason. it's in my blood and my biological mother told me this would happen, but i didn't ever think it would- this sudden love for onions. you do know that i have now moved my computer to the bed. yes. i have submitted myself to a week long depression. ima allow myself to be depressed until next monday. i figure that will be enough time. i have increased my medication already so hopefully the actual week wont be a week but if it is a week- i've allotted time in my schedule. ima prolly write dumpy stupid shit about darker stupider shittier shit than usual, so buckle the fuck up and take note of the suicide hot line if you cant handle it. i can handle it because i've always been able to handle it. there's was a couple of times where the point on my pencil broke, but i always found a sharpener. my dad always used the pencils you just twist at the end and the led comes down from the center. i liked the other red pencils my dad had because when you licked them and they got soft- almost like a marker- there are still marks around the outlets at dad's where i outlined them in wet red pencil. at the end of each day i give thanks for the things i have been given throughout my life- all of the rich red pencils over my live and the ink i've left behind. i know i have nothing to be depressed about, yet- i set that time aside- and i moved my computer in to the bedroom here and iffin i need to- i will cry.
i'm not getting up. i'm not rolling over. i'm not doing shit. i've got a royal headache and really don't feel like doing shit, but i need to get up and go freeze that chicken. chicken. chicken is going to get me out of this bed. imagine that. of all things in this world. chicken. a bird. you know i hate birds. but i love fajitas. i'm on this onion kick for some reason. it's in my blood and my biological mother told me this would happen, but i didn't ever think it would- this sudden love for onions. you do know that i have now moved my computer to the bed. yes. i have submitted myself to a week long depression. ima allow myself to be depressed until next monday. i figure that will be enough time. i have increased my medication already so hopefully the actual week wont be a week but if it is a week- i've allotted time in my schedule. ima prolly write dumpy stupid shit about darker stupider shittier shit than usual, so buckle the fuck up and take note of the suicide hot line if you cant handle it. i can handle it because i've always been able to handle it. there's was a couple of times where the point on my pencil broke, but i always found a sharpener. my dad always used the pencils you just twist at the end and the led comes down from the center. i liked the other red pencils my dad had because when you licked them and they got soft- almost like a marker- there are still marks around the outlets at dad's where i outlined them in wet red pencil. at the end of each day i give thanks for the things i have been given throughout my life- all of the rich red pencils over my live and the ink i've left behind. i know i have nothing to be depressed about, yet- i set that time aside- and i moved my computer in to the bedroom here and iffin i need to- i will cry.
hArd rocK drivewaY
dear backing out diary,
someday ima cement all my rocks i have collected over the years down on my driveway and ima make a pebble rock driveway and then ima drive on it. it'll be bad ass. i have a bunch of rocks now but not nearly enough and since each rock has to be hand picked- i'm not ready to begin my project yet. i'm sure it will be like everything else, i'll have my favorite sections of driveway when it's done, but i'll love the whole thing too. that's what ima do though. my next big thing. handpicking the rocks. i always have my eyes peeled. all rocks are beautiful and i want to glue them in my yard.
someday ima cement all my rocks i have collected over the years down on my driveway and ima make a pebble rock driveway and then ima drive on it. it'll be bad ass. i have a bunch of rocks now but not nearly enough and since each rock has to be hand picked- i'm not ready to begin my project yet. i'm sure it will be like everything else, i'll have my favorite sections of driveway when it's done, but i'll love the whole thing too. that's what ima do though. my next big thing. handpicking the rocks. i always have my eyes peeled. all rocks are beautiful and i want to glue them in my yard.
you cant return to the earth wrapped in a bag
dear tossing in the towel diary,
that pretty much says it all. not guilty. but i was guilty. i'll never forget that day. i think in some way, some fucked up way, for me, that is what makes it all okay. it was an accident. i don't think her death happened on purpose. i don't know how or why that baby's body was treated like it was- and it is a shame that it was. but does it change how she died? not for me. i think it is wrong and disgusting to cremate human remains and burning up bones of loved ones should be against the law. that's SICK. i saw on 60 minutes where monks who die get put in the earth and then their skulls get dug back up and put with all the other dead monk skulls and they all look forward to this. i dunno what happened, i wasn't there. but i've seen the justice system break down before and what happened today does not surprise me. so in my heart i will choose to hang on to the hope that it was an accident and know i would never cremate anyone i love.
that pretty much says it all. not guilty. but i was guilty. i'll never forget that day. i think in some way, some fucked up way, for me, that is what makes it all okay. it was an accident. i don't think her death happened on purpose. i don't know how or why that baby's body was treated like it was- and it is a shame that it was. but does it change how she died? not for me. i think it is wrong and disgusting to cremate human remains and burning up bones of loved ones should be against the law. that's SICK. i saw on 60 minutes where monks who die get put in the earth and then their skulls get dug back up and put with all the other dead monk skulls and they all look forward to this. i dunno what happened, i wasn't there. but i've seen the justice system break down before and what happened today does not surprise me. so in my heart i will choose to hang on to the hope that it was an accident and know i would never cremate anyone i love.
shazam
dear pack it diary,
i always know when i give a good blow job. my tendency is to give a good one and lock it in there, but there is always a consequence to pay. for me there is anyway. i don't complain about it because there is nothing i want done about it- so i just go to the bathroom and wipe off. i dunno why i get so wet when i do that- it's simply retarded. i just like to run my mouth cuz i can push some air. sitting on a towel helps and often necessary when i am job blowing.
i always know when i give a good blow job. my tendency is to give a good one and lock it in there, but there is always a consequence to pay. for me there is anyway. i don't complain about it because there is nothing i want done about it- so i just go to the bathroom and wipe off. i dunno why i get so wet when i do that- it's simply retarded. i just like to run my mouth cuz i can push some air. sitting on a towel helps and often necessary when i am job blowing.
visiting the wax museum
dear knowing what you know is what you already knew diary,
changing my mind takes time, tons of information, and the power equivalent to that of sixty earth moving machines. i am a hard headed bitch. i thought i would grow out of some of my stubbornness in my older wiser age- but i didn't, not yet anyway. i used to explain why i do what i do, why i say what i say, why i feel what i feel, but starting the new chapter in the book, i ain't doin that anymore. ima just plow my trail. i started many years ago when i started letting go of the people who were stupid and sometimes when i feel dumb i get sad. but then when i slap myself smart again i realize what i did was for the best and then i concentrate on cleaning up my current fucking mess.
changing my mind takes time, tons of information, and the power equivalent to that of sixty earth moving machines. i am a hard headed bitch. i thought i would grow out of some of my stubbornness in my older wiser age- but i didn't, not yet anyway. i used to explain why i do what i do, why i say what i say, why i feel what i feel, but starting the new chapter in the book, i ain't doin that anymore. ima just plow my trail. i started many years ago when i started letting go of the people who were stupid and sometimes when i feel dumb i get sad. but then when i slap myself smart again i realize what i did was for the best and then i concentrate on cleaning up my current fucking mess.
extra work today
dear outside diary,
i have removed my festive american flags from the outside of my house. i am washing them on the delicate cycle in woolite. ima line dry them in the basement. i thought i washed them last year- or even memorial day- but they all looked so dirty i washed them again. things have a way of getting dirty around here- and wet. my refrigerator leaks and the unibomber said he fixed it, but he didn't. the problem, which i thought was the ice maker, is not the ice maker, but does originate in the freezer. the frostless freezer makes a sheet of ice under the bottom tray and when the condensation has nowhere else to go- it will then begin to leak it to the refrigerator part of the fridge and get the eggs and cheese wet. i started putting a drip pan in there to catch the water- and now i have dry eggs again. clean flags and dry cheese. i am happy today.
i have removed my festive american flags from the outside of my house. i am washing them on the delicate cycle in woolite. ima line dry them in the basement. i thought i washed them last year- or even memorial day- but they all looked so dirty i washed them again. things have a way of getting dirty around here- and wet. my refrigerator leaks and the unibomber said he fixed it, but he didn't. the problem, which i thought was the ice maker, is not the ice maker, but does originate in the freezer. the frostless freezer makes a sheet of ice under the bottom tray and when the condensation has nowhere else to go- it will then begin to leak it to the refrigerator part of the fridge and get the eggs and cheese wet. i started putting a drip pan in there to catch the water- and now i have dry eggs again. clean flags and dry cheese. i am happy today.
til the divorce do they part
dear bother me much diary,
when my feelings get hurt- i have this big marquis sign on my forehead that lights up and has a scrolling message, "my feelings are hurt...my feelings are hurt...my feelings are hurt..." ima big cry baby and i run my mouth. not this time, i concede defeat. this issue that i am internalizing now meant more to me than i can even describe and not running my mouth is hard as fuck because it ain't stupid like the hero stuff. with twice as long invested in this, keeping my mouth shut is hard as shit. once again the bottle wins and it has beat me before, but it was the brutal brutal truth of being chosen over a true whore.
when my feelings get hurt- i have this big marquis sign on my forehead that lights up and has a scrolling message, "my feelings are hurt...my feelings are hurt...my feelings are hurt..." ima big cry baby and i run my mouth. not this time, i concede defeat. this issue that i am internalizing now meant more to me than i can even describe and not running my mouth is hard as fuck because it ain't stupid like the hero stuff. with twice as long invested in this, keeping my mouth shut is hard as shit. once again the bottle wins and it has beat me before, but it was the brutal brutal truth of being chosen over a true whore.
a huge waist
dear you don't diary,
iffin you think you know what i'm thinkin sometimes, you don't. you don't know how my mind works yet, even after all of this time. it would be interesting to get some psychological forensic profile done on what kind of person i would be though- just for fun- using only the information given on my blog. oh my goodness, including a visual image of the person who they think they were profiling. i'd almost pay for something like that. lately i've been thinking about the lines i've now drawn that have become so obvious for me to distinguish what i share and what i don't. for so long, there were no lines, there weren't- at all. as the lines started forming- i see the walls coming up, and i don't want that. i am now stepping back to look and you can look with me. in fact, let us look together in another post.
iffin you think you know what i'm thinkin sometimes, you don't. you don't know how my mind works yet, even after all of this time. it would be interesting to get some psychological forensic profile done on what kind of person i would be though- just for fun- using only the information given on my blog. oh my goodness, including a visual image of the person who they think they were profiling. i'd almost pay for something like that. lately i've been thinking about the lines i've now drawn that have become so obvious for me to distinguish what i share and what i don't. for so long, there were no lines, there weren't- at all. as the lines started forming- i see the walls coming up, and i don't want that. i am now stepping back to look and you can look with me. in fact, let us look together in another post.
July 4, 2011
aggravated celebrations in the dark
dear the day of war diary,
i've always hated the forth of july myself. i have. it is the noise that i cant stand. it sounds like a war outside and that is what i think about whenever i hear fireworks- soldiers in combat. SHOUT OUT TO THE SOLDIERS. i always thought the forth of july would be a great day to shoot someone because of the noise- was it gunfire of a firecracker? bang-bang-bang- then a big spray of lights- the cap off. i'm kinda surprised more people aren't knocked off on the forth. i think i made it. i don't think i left today. oh yeah i did, i went to the laundry mat. i didn't put myself at much risk.
i've always hated the forth of july myself. i have. it is the noise that i cant stand. it sounds like a war outside and that is what i think about whenever i hear fireworks- soldiers in combat. SHOUT OUT TO THE SOLDIERS. i always thought the forth of july would be a great day to shoot someone because of the noise- was it gunfire of a firecracker? bang-bang-bang- then a big spray of lights- the cap off. i'm kinda surprised more people aren't knocked off on the forth. i think i made it. i don't think i left today. oh yeah i did, i went to the laundry mat. i didn't put myself at much risk.
honeydew
dear sweet little town diary,
i wish i lived in a town where i was in love with the streets. i'd do anything to get up in the morning and love to see the trees. a place where the the grass always invites for a picnic lunch and flowers always grow in a bunch and the chicken fries fresh in a pan. someday when i'm old you will find me there- hanging my laundry in the clean country air. i don't want to have a whole lot of friends- just a few special ones until my life ends. i'll enjoy fresh apples and peaches and corn- and with my most favorite customer, i will be one happy whore.
i wish i lived in a town where i was in love with the streets. i'd do anything to get up in the morning and love to see the trees. a place where the the grass always invites for a picnic lunch and flowers always grow in a bunch and the chicken fries fresh in a pan. someday when i'm old you will find me there- hanging my laundry in the clean country air. i don't want to have a whole lot of friends- just a few special ones until my life ends. i'll enjoy fresh apples and peaches and corn- and with my most favorite customer, i will be one happy whore.
triangles
dear in my circle diary,
leaving my circle is hard and i don't like to do it. outside my circle there is a square. when i do get brave and step out of my circle and find myself in the perimeters of my square, i am aware of the eyes that are then upon me. it is inside the square that unfair things happen and i don't stay out there very long. when the eyes are on me i get really self conscious and that's where things go wrong. why is it that i am held to a higher standard than others- right off of the fucking bat? people that don't even know me assume i am something- what the fuck is up with that? i just want to be a scumbag. i just want to be FAT. i want to have greasy fucking hair and appear as if i LACK. i don't want to be smart- i don't want to dress nice- i just want to smile and live with what is real. if this means there is something wrong with me now, then i'll deal with that later. because i can still get all dressed up and curl my hair or make it straighter. i feel if you are real with me inside my safe circle- well then that is the first step to overcoming our hurdle.
leaving my circle is hard and i don't like to do it. outside my circle there is a square. when i do get brave and step out of my circle and find myself in the perimeters of my square, i am aware of the eyes that are then upon me. it is inside the square that unfair things happen and i don't stay out there very long. when the eyes are on me i get really self conscious and that's where things go wrong. why is it that i am held to a higher standard than others- right off of the fucking bat? people that don't even know me assume i am something- what the fuck is up with that? i just want to be a scumbag. i just want to be FAT. i want to have greasy fucking hair and appear as if i LACK. i don't want to be smart- i don't want to dress nice- i just want to smile and live with what is real. if this means there is something wrong with me now, then i'll deal with that later. because i can still get all dressed up and curl my hair or make it straighter. i feel if you are real with me inside my safe circle- well then that is the first step to overcoming our hurdle.
toothpicks and mouth sticks
dear part of the reason diary,
the spaces between my teeth seem to be getting wider, especially between this one tooth in the back- like every time i eat now half a sandwich stays in there and i gotta dig it out. i never had to do that before. i never did. it drives me nuts. chinese food is the worst of it all. i keep tooth flossers in my purse now. i have to. for that one tooth. but i look at it this way, because of that one tooth, all of my other teeth get flossed every time i put so much as a crumb in my mouth. it is funny how something i do to comfort one tooth ends up keeping the rest of my mouth so healthy.
the spaces between my teeth seem to be getting wider, especially between this one tooth in the back- like every time i eat now half a sandwich stays in there and i gotta dig it out. i never had to do that before. i never did. it drives me nuts. chinese food is the worst of it all. i keep tooth flossers in my purse now. i have to. for that one tooth. but i look at it this way, because of that one tooth, all of my other teeth get flossed every time i put so much as a crumb in my mouth. it is funny how something i do to comfort one tooth ends up keeping the rest of my mouth so healthy.
meat and balls
dear my flat pop on a chain diary,
my last pop went flat and i am a pissed off whore. i had the lid screwed on tight and everything. the steaks are thawing out nicely though. i love meat. i got a huge roast out thawing for wednesday. william will flip a lid when he forks that bitch- with the new potatoes too- he will be loving his momma. i've never seen a child that could eat meat the way this one does; meat and hot sauce, meat and gravy, meat and honey mustard, meat and potatoes, and just meat, and then he'll drink the meat juice- if there is any left. i hope his little lohan is prepared for the upcoming meat bill she is about to share in, especially if she has a junior william. thankfully, my dad has three deep freezers over at his house full of beef and my freezers here are full, so one way or the other we'll keep them fed, safe and happy, we will, and lohan can even eat too, once she gets her ball and chain off.
my last pop went flat and i am a pissed off whore. i had the lid screwed on tight and everything. the steaks are thawing out nicely though. i love meat. i got a huge roast out thawing for wednesday. william will flip a lid when he forks that bitch- with the new potatoes too- he will be loving his momma. i've never seen a child that could eat meat the way this one does; meat and hot sauce, meat and gravy, meat and honey mustard, meat and potatoes, and just meat, and then he'll drink the meat juice- if there is any left. i hope his little lohan is prepared for the upcoming meat bill she is about to share in, especially if she has a junior william. thankfully, my dad has three deep freezers over at his house full of beef and my freezers here are full, so one way or the other we'll keep them fed, safe and happy, we will, and lohan can even eat too, once she gets her ball and chain off.
 |
| lohan foot |
snip snip
dear breaking it down diary,
people who don't leave their house may miss getting their hair cut at the salon. they will never acquire a parking ticket for an expired meter or go to a ground breaking ceremony for the new neighborhood clinic. it is a big super scary world out there and i can see why some choose to stay inside, it would have been so much easier in my mind, to sometimes tuck myself away and hide. when i look into the mirror i know who i see. i am thankful to recognize the little girl who i still know as me. it is true, i am able to leave my house, i don't feel as imprisoned as i once did. it is true i could have done certain things differently than i once did, but tell me why i'd do them the same exact way if i could do them again. does that mean i didn't learn a thing from the mistakes that i made? hell no. it means i need a hair cut at the salon.
people who don't leave their house may miss getting their hair cut at the salon. they will never acquire a parking ticket for an expired meter or go to a ground breaking ceremony for the new neighborhood clinic. it is a big super scary world out there and i can see why some choose to stay inside, it would have been so much easier in my mind, to sometimes tuck myself away and hide. when i look into the mirror i know who i see. i am thankful to recognize the little girl who i still know as me. it is true, i am able to leave my house, i don't feel as imprisoned as i once did. it is true i could have done certain things differently than i once did, but tell me why i'd do them the same exact way if i could do them again. does that mean i didn't learn a thing from the mistakes that i made? hell no. it means i need a hair cut at the salon.
July 3, 2011
a dry bath
dear forgetting to spailcheck diary,
i do that sometimes. fuckit. i don't care. sometimes the car wont start lately. i don't care. it just makes it easier to decide whether or not to buy that new set of rims i always wanted to buy. NOT. so the car will start, after you call the tow truck. tonight when it happened- i called the tow truck- and it started while i was on the phone. last time- it was right after i hung up. so i dunno. i just have to CALL the tow truck and my car will start. that's awesome. i'll do that. so i need to always remember to spailcheck before i take a bath. fuck i was in such a hurry i forgot. i am in a hurry now too, but, i'll take the time to do it right. having a spainchecker is a PRIVILEGE and i should treat it as such.
i do that sometimes. fuckit. i don't care. sometimes the car wont start lately. i don't care. it just makes it easier to decide whether or not to buy that new set of rims i always wanted to buy. NOT. so the car will start, after you call the tow truck. tonight when it happened- i called the tow truck- and it started while i was on the phone. last time- it was right after i hung up. so i dunno. i just have to CALL the tow truck and my car will start. that's awesome. i'll do that. so i need to always remember to spailcheck before i take a bath. fuck i was in such a hurry i forgot. i am in a hurry now too, but, i'll take the time to do it right. having a spainchecker is a PRIVILEGE and i should treat it as such.
dirty socks and blond locks
dear heading out and gone again diary,
fucking it is hot. so i dunno what that is all about but i've worn pajamas all day. understand that one of the biggest decisions whether or not to get dressed was before me today and i chose to deny myself that privilege. the whole package. the no return policy. why make the purchase? that's why i didn't. i keep coming back to that one special feeling about why we all were born naked in the first place. there are various reasons. i have to know in my heart it was because of the health reasons. i will be getting new socks soon. i can look forward to that. right now i am off to the bathtub- i need to take a bath.
fucking it is hot. so i dunno what that is all about but i've worn pajamas all day. understand that one of the biggest decisions whether or not to get dressed was before me today and i chose to deny myself that privilege. the whole package. the no return policy. why make the purchase? that's why i didn't. i keep coming back to that one special feeling about why we all were born naked in the first place. there are various reasons. i have to know in my heart it was because of the health reasons. i will be getting new socks soon. i can look forward to that. right now i am off to the bathtub- i need to take a bath.
fiction or non fiction
dear imagine a day with cuntface diary,
unable to share the bedroom with her husband, (sworn court testimony) cuntface wakes up and searches the bi-level 1960's home for her hero, who she realizes is not hidden away in his usual crevice in the basement where she hangs the old plates from all the old cars and the blazer between the washer and across from the furnace, no the city employee ain't textin on his secret phone today- he's at work. what a relief that is. she wont have to come up with an excuse to leave him at home while she goes to eat. instead she'll get to call him all day and blow his phone up at work, another favorite thing of hers to do. she'll first look around the house and make a quick mental note of everything she'll want to bitch about, then she'll make the first call. she'll tear into him. it wont be good. the hang up. then about 35 minutes later, another call- only this time- the hero wont answer. he'll be 'working' and this will cause cuntface to become alarmed. she doesn't trust the hero yet. "is he really working? or is he on the phone with some other whore?" she will think. she will call his phone again. he wont answer. she will call the city phone number. someone else will answer and tell them he is unavailable. "but are they lying?" nobody likes her. she'll drive up there and see the trucks. she'll call he'll answer and say they, "just got back." she'll go in and feel the tires and engine. he'll say, "another engine dropped them off."
unable to share the bedroom with her husband, (sworn court testimony) cuntface wakes up and searches the bi-level 1960's home for her hero, who she realizes is not hidden away in his usual crevice in the basement where she hangs the old plates from all the old cars and the blazer between the washer and across from the furnace, no the city employee ain't textin on his secret phone today- he's at work. what a relief that is. she wont have to come up with an excuse to leave him at home while she goes to eat. instead she'll get to call him all day and blow his phone up at work, another favorite thing of hers to do. she'll first look around the house and make a quick mental note of everything she'll want to bitch about, then she'll make the first call. she'll tear into him. it wont be good. the hang up. then about 35 minutes later, another call- only this time- the hero wont answer. he'll be 'working' and this will cause cuntface to become alarmed. she doesn't trust the hero yet. "is he really working? or is he on the phone with some other whore?" she will think. she will call his phone again. he wont answer. she will call the city phone number. someone else will answer and tell them he is unavailable. "but are they lying?" nobody likes her. she'll drive up there and see the trucks. she'll call he'll answer and say they, "just got back." she'll go in and feel the tires and engine. he'll say, "another engine dropped them off."
to nipplegirl- with shit
dear there i go again diary,
trying to be all shakespearean or some shit. who do i think i am writing like that. that really pisses me off. YIKES. sorry hairy nipple girl. didn't mean to stir up your SHIT BAG. i dunno what made me do it- or that- or this. i'll try to do better. moving on, i haven't had a shower in nine months. it's true. since right before i almost got sentenced to the hard time in jail. i counted up on my fingers yesterday and again just now- it's been NINE whole months. i do believe that is an adult lifetime record. that is beautiful. i cant wait til i can say, "i haven't had a shower in a YEAR!" that's what i'm talking about.
trying to be all shakespearean or some shit. who do i think i am writing like that. that really pisses me off. YIKES. sorry hairy nipple girl. didn't mean to stir up your SHIT BAG. i dunno what made me do it- or that- or this. i'll try to do better. moving on, i haven't had a shower in nine months. it's true. since right before i almost got sentenced to the hard time in jail. i counted up on my fingers yesterday and again just now- it's been NINE whole months. i do believe that is an adult lifetime record. that is beautiful. i cant wait til i can say, "i haven't had a shower in a YEAR!" that's what i'm talking about.
twine whine
dear there are some diary,
there are those that will never come to realize the importance of things, and those that already know. i am one who knows but chooses to ignore those who will never will. if you swing back and forth on a rope grabbing at things as you go by- where do you put them as you get them? you cant hold the items because you've got to hold on to the rope. you cant let go and drop the items- they'll break. there is a much a better way to retrieve. there is a much easier way to receive. but some people just like to steal. it's easier and more fun. there was a time i was like that when i was young- but the rope got tied around my neck pretty quick and i was done. i pay no attention to the idiots now- i befriended Karma long ago. i have written all my wrongs and now i sing much happier songs. even though i may sing off key, hanging from a rope is not for me.
there are those that will never come to realize the importance of things, and those that already know. i am one who knows but chooses to ignore those who will never will. if you swing back and forth on a rope grabbing at things as you go by- where do you put them as you get them? you cant hold the items because you've got to hold on to the rope. you cant let go and drop the items- they'll break. there is a much a better way to retrieve. there is a much easier way to receive. but some people just like to steal. it's easier and more fun. there was a time i was like that when i was young- but the rope got tied around my neck pretty quick and i was done. i pay no attention to the idiots now- i befriended Karma long ago. i have written all my wrongs and now i sing much happier songs. even though i may sing off key, hanging from a rope is not for me.
the clanks
dear darkness falls diary,
this morning i certainly had a fright. i woke up and thought i was in a coma. i looked around but my eyeballs weren't open and my body wouldn't move and i could hear the sound of trains crashing together above my head. i could hear the birds but they wasn't chirpin- hell no- they was peckin. i miss the sound of my grandma's house at night. i wouldn't mind so much being in a coma there. the crickets and the interstate would put me to sleep like a lullaby. what would wake me up were the moos from the cattle across the yard. i liked to watch them graze along the fence by the lane. now-a-days there stands a large feast along that fence as no cows have eaten there for many years. my eyes finally came open this morning and i'm not in a coma, but i'm not at grandma's either. i'd like to think if i did ever end up in one though, someone kind would take me to the farm and let me sleep to the sound of the interstate and crickets and get a cow to moo outside my window. cuz i'm sure i'll be able to hear everything.
this morning i certainly had a fright. i woke up and thought i was in a coma. i looked around but my eyeballs weren't open and my body wouldn't move and i could hear the sound of trains crashing together above my head. i could hear the birds but they wasn't chirpin- hell no- they was peckin. i miss the sound of my grandma's house at night. i wouldn't mind so much being in a coma there. the crickets and the interstate would put me to sleep like a lullaby. what would wake me up were the moos from the cattle across the yard. i liked to watch them graze along the fence by the lane. now-a-days there stands a large feast along that fence as no cows have eaten there for many years. my eyes finally came open this morning and i'm not in a coma, but i'm not at grandma's either. i'd like to think if i did ever end up in one though, someone kind would take me to the farm and let me sleep to the sound of the interstate and crickets and get a cow to moo outside my window. cuz i'm sure i'll be able to hear everything.
be happy! flip a bitch!
dear three coats and the top coat diary,
my pretty hand is done and dry- fucking perfect. ima do my ugly hand in a second. figured i would shit one out before i finished up all twenty coats. five then pause, five then pause, five then pause, then seal 'em up. i fuckin was an idiot in traffic today. i was gunna turn and then i didn't turn and i prolly shoulda went cuz i was all stuck up out in the middle of the intersection anyway but i didn't- so i sat there and got honked at. i waved. i thought that was nice. it made me want to go to california again. getting honked at. i get honked at when i go there quite often. i am certain it is because i turn around so much. i am not afraid to flip the bitch around. i ain't going the wrong way all day like the unibomber will. he wont turn around til you get in another state- not me- i miss a turn- i turn around. i don't fuck around. one thing i've learned is not to wait for the tomtom to reroute. flip it quick it just thinks it fell off the dash or some shit.
my pretty hand is done and dry- fucking perfect. ima do my ugly hand in a second. figured i would shit one out before i finished up all twenty coats. five then pause, five then pause, five then pause, then seal 'em up. i fuckin was an idiot in traffic today. i was gunna turn and then i didn't turn and i prolly shoulda went cuz i was all stuck up out in the middle of the intersection anyway but i didn't- so i sat there and got honked at. i waved. i thought that was nice. it made me want to go to california again. getting honked at. i get honked at when i go there quite often. i am certain it is because i turn around so much. i am not afraid to flip the bitch around. i ain't going the wrong way all day like the unibomber will. he wont turn around til you get in another state- not me- i miss a turn- i turn around. i don't fuck around. one thing i've learned is not to wait for the tomtom to reroute. flip it quick it just thinks it fell off the dash or some shit.