dear the second birthday diary,
i remember how happy i has when i brought my baby home, but i also remember how worn out and sore i was after pushing the little fucker out- and my boobs- wow- my boobs hurt so bad. that was the worst part- prolly- maybe- kinda- sorta. marty, my dog, no sooner did i get in the door with prince william and set him down on the coffee table- hadn't even shut the front door yet- old marty pants- he was 3.5 at the time- made sure and locked eyes with me and humped over and took a shit in the living room- AT THE OPEN FRONT DOOR. he was pissed off about the baby. i hadn't spoke to him. never will i forget that pile of dogshit. marty NEVER shit in the house. he would die first. so i will just bet you anything when my parents each drove separately to champaign to get me today- it is a trip each of them never forgot either. my mom used to tell me this story when she would tuck me in at night. i would beg her to tell me how they got me. they checked me out like a puppy at the pound. my dad stopped at sears and got me a pretty pink dress in peoria, but mom said it was for a toddler and i couldn't come home in it, i came home next to it. dad followed mom home and they stopped in brettwood village, where they ran into elizabeth and ron. they were my first new friends. elizabeth made my wedding cake 20 years later when i married the unibomber. elizabeth and her husband DIED THE SAME DAY OF NATURAL CAUSES a few years ago. so the story then goes, when they got me home and my grandpa came over, my grandma had made noodles and my grandpa gave me a noodle on the kitchen table in my car seat- at evelen days old- and my mom started freaking out. this is supposedly what caused my lifelong addiction to chicken and noodles and grandpa told that noodle story until the day he died. he prolly told it to everyone in arizona after they moved out there- even to people who didn't know me. i suppose it could be true. i'm just thankful my mom got to have her baby. i do hope i was a sweet one for her- like my babies were for me. i was. i am sure.
i remember how happy i has when i brought my baby home, but i also remember how worn out and sore i was after pushing the little fucker out- and my boobs- wow- my boobs hurt so bad. that was the worst part- prolly- maybe- kinda- sorta. marty, my dog, no sooner did i get in the door with prince william and set him down on the coffee table- hadn't even shut the front door yet- old marty pants- he was 3.5 at the time- made sure and locked eyes with me and humped over and took a shit in the living room- AT THE OPEN FRONT DOOR. he was pissed off about the baby. i hadn't spoke to him. never will i forget that pile of dogshit. marty NEVER shit in the house. he would die first. so i will just bet you anything when my parents each drove separately to champaign to get me today- it is a trip each of them never forgot either. my mom used to tell me this story when she would tuck me in at night. i would beg her to tell me how they got me. they checked me out like a puppy at the pound. my dad stopped at sears and got me a pretty pink dress in peoria, but mom said it was for a toddler and i couldn't come home in it, i came home next to it. dad followed mom home and they stopped in brettwood village, where they ran into elizabeth and ron. they were my first new friends. elizabeth made my wedding cake 20 years later when i married the unibomber. elizabeth and her husband DIED THE SAME DAY OF NATURAL CAUSES a few years ago. so the story then goes, when they got me home and my grandpa came over, my grandma had made noodles and my grandpa gave me a noodle on the kitchen table in my car seat- at evelen days old- and my mom started freaking out. this is supposedly what caused my lifelong addiction to chicken and noodles and grandpa told that noodle story until the day he died. he prolly told it to everyone in arizona after they moved out there- even to people who didn't know me. i suppose it could be true. i'm just thankful my mom got to have her baby. i do hope i was a sweet one for her- like my babies were for me. i was. i am sure.
