hey nick you fucktard

dear make it stop diary,

up on the housetop- bitch, bitch, bitch-  and since you have no place to go... just go anyway. i wanted to go to midnight mass, but i went for chinese food and took a pass. if my new sheets were dry i'd be putting them on and the duct tape i used on my bra worked well and all the hairs on it are gone. now. thank goodness. it wont itch. anymore. wow. i can keep my hands out of my shirt for awhile.

WHACKED THAT MOLE

dear Merry Christmas diary,

two years ago tonight was so fun and i do not regret any part of it. sending the text message that started that whole fiasco, would i do it all again if i had the opportunity to do so.... yup. i would. especially since i benefited so much from the tragedy. then to receive conformation again from Karma, reminding me to always remember our connection and never give up on what i know and believe in, that was exactly what i needed and i'm super thankful to have gotten that after this latest reward. my head is so high and proud. i never dreamed how precise her timing could be, i couldn't have planned the unsaid event better myself. i just hope somebody drove by and stuck their tongue out at her like i 'supposedly' did a year TO THE DAY earlier while she was being harassed. bahahahahahha.

caution is not advised

dear full of suggestion diary,

as the perfect rule of nature, everything that is done has an order. it is so easy to try and change the way you do things, but ultimately the end result is what was meant to be- whether you planned it that way or not. the water will always find it's way to the basin or the drain. don't be ashamed of the way you may be feeling right now, sometimes i used to get lost too. but my head isn't that big anymore and doesn't get in the way of my line of sight, even my peripheral vision is full of splendor. i could light a candle but it would just burn out.

why you gotta sing when you WALK past my house?

ima keep my pearly whites

dear not a moment sooner diary,

my wish for mankind right now, today, is for everyone to find a kleenex and blow their nose. I hope that each of you has the benefit of a clear nasal passage- as i do- right now. what a feeling. oh and my teeth feel so much better too. you wouldn't believe it. i haven't been complaining much on here, but i've been to three dentists since early november and i've finally figured out what is causing me all the trouble. i am griding my teeth at night again (imagine that) because grinding them all day just isn't enough. i got a new mouth guard yesterday, because becky chewed up my other two, and last night and during my nap today, I WOKE UP PAIN FREE! it was like nobody had punched me in my jaw ninety six times! i may be off my pudding and chicken wing diet! i was just getting ready to have all my beautiful teeth pulled and make earrings out of them, or a pearl necklace.

back to the boot camp; breakfast at 0800

dear gravy on the welcome mat diary,

there are those that would argue about every little subject that passes through their day like it was a requirement to do so, and i always told myself i would never become one of those efficient individuals, but after twenty four years of constant training and daily battles i can be the biggest bitch known to mankind- except i always have to stop for a minute and take a break and go bust out laughing somewhere because it is hard for me to remain in character that long. it's hard to be mad at my dad though, even when i should be i cant. i suppose that is what made me give the gift i chose for him this year- prolly more for myself than for anyone. it was a gift to remind me to be welcomed in a place where nobody is thankful.

i saw it all (and didn't know a thing- as usual)

dear reading old entries on my blog diary,

ordinarily, i don't go back and read shit i wrote unless i am looking for something specific that happened, but tonight i took a journey back in time because this week when i found out the exciting news, i kinda wanted to go back and see if i made any subconscious references to the situation i know limited information about. was there any way i could have know the event had occurred? i think there very well could be.

my dreams are fluffy

dear letter to my smiling face diary,

every single person i saw yesterday i asked the same question to, "would you ever drive your car without insurance?" and all the answers were the same, "hell no." i know i wouldn't and that's not something i do for myself, i do that for all the people on the streets next to me. i can get another car but i cant get you one if i was to fuck yours up. i decided before my kids came out of my body, insurance was pretty cheap and important and something this family was always going to have. how can you even think about going on vacation or eating at the olive garden or drinking at the bars- if you don't have insurance on your cars?  and while we're at it, let's see about paying a lawyer all year for no reason and then let's buy a motorcycle. it makes me wonder how close we are to foreclosure. after all, we already know there was a conflict of interest due to bankruptcy.

the best just got better (didn't it mommy)

dear frighteningly marvelous diary,

i am so proud of my friend Karma. while i was being rewarded, someone we all know and love was being rewarded as well. it looks to me like CUNTFACE might have been speeding around town looking for her husband on or about OCTOBER 19th without INSURANCE and got POPPED like a scumbag crackhead. who drives without insurance in 2011? after spending all that money on a whore? wouldn't insurance have been a little cheaper than a lawyer again? i cant wait to watch her give her whining disposition. SHOUT OUT CUNTFACE. i'm going to have to come down. i'm getting tired of telling people how the weather is up here.

one year for every hour of the day (happy anniversary)

dear assuming we'll make it another four days diary,

i'm still trying to figure out what he meant this morning when he screamed, "bitch, i have a job," and i laughed in an abrupt manner which caused another more severe outburst and me to then sit on the couch for an hour. i haven't been in the living room- let alone on the couch- for months- so i sat there on top of a mound of clothes and thought to myself, "ah yes self, this must be his 'job' and we are fucking everything up and will surely hear about this later," but where was i to go? he's taken all of the kitchen chairs to the basement, sighting there's no room in the kitchen for our chairs anymore. the only place in the bathroom to sit is the toilet and i already sat there once. sometimes i sit on the floor, but my kid got a new tv and the box is in the way. i cant leave because i will prolly go fuck someone. a year ago in october i was supposed to go to jail. i decided then, "i'm done here." but then- i came home- NOT EVEN ON PROBATION and had THE luckiest year of my life. but i'm still done here.   

the blood runs cold; jail time is almost over

dear christopher chimney in my diary,

the same letter keeps coming in the mail and i'm telling you, it is the dumbest letter ever. i opened it, but the envelope was wet which made getting this one open much easier than the first one that came and much less exciting. it doesn't take a 'hall of famer' to know someone out there cant stop thinking about me, but then i do a ton of thinking myself, just not as much as i used to. change is good and the playing field is almost level now. it is time for everyone to showcase their talents and do what they can do. you know, everybody is having a hard time with the fact that i'm not. i would never beg for something i cant get on my own and that's where we differ and always will.

all the crayons in the box (i'll keep that aren't yellow)

dear it feels funny diary,

still quite unsure of what box i've put anything in, i need my crayons and cant find them. more specifically, the need for breaking my yellow crayons, which gives me comfort i can not and would not explain even if i had to. SHOUT OUT CUNTFACE. i wonder if there are words and phrases that cannot be uttered at your dinner table like mine... prolly not. packing up brings back so many memories, but i'm still ready to go.   

skipping a day

dear forget about it diary,

i didn't post yesterday and there is no reason, i mainly just forgot. i let myself forget because i need to get used to forgetting because soon i will need to forget all together and that was the ultimate goal anyway i think, but i don't know anymore- i forgot what the initial goal was- or if there even was a goal? i don't remember making a goal, per say, i know i had motivating factors, but i achieved those long ago. they say you really don't start growing up until you laugh at yourself. take a good hard look at the structure of that sentence again.     

THEY SAY, (they say- them whoever is doing the talking) THAT YOU, (me-i-you-we)  DO NOT START TO GROW UP, (mature in our mind's eye- start to live right) UNTIL (the time comes) YOU, (me-i-you-we) CAN LAUGH, (make fun of, joke, poke sticks at) THE FUCKING IDIOTS WE, (you) ARE.