searching for the right color

dear mildly aggressive diary,

sleeping the entire day gave me enough energy to paint the house, but it is about bedtime now.  i had something i wanted to look up on google and i've forgotten what that was already. google is a scary place for me anyway. they always ask me, "did you mean...?"  then it makes me wonder if i really know what i mean. which clearly i don't, or i wouldn't be at google looking. i think google knows that and just wants to rub it in my face. i do want to paint though. my bedroom and kitchen especially.

long since remembered

dear falling backwards diary,

turning the clocks back an hour will give me more time to decide how ima do this. i mean i've been had this extraordinary plan now for months, and it is time to execute that mother fucker. this time ima be sure not to peek around the corner, like i always do, so i wont give it away. last night i went somewhere i used to go all the time and it felt really strange. i'm not really welcomed there, but nobody said anything to me. i think i could have stayed. i didn't stay though, it wasn't in my plans for the evening. time is a funny mechanism. i am not a clock watcher, but it has been eight years. i dunno, there are some who can hold a grudge that long, i have seen it, but i'm not one of those kind of people. i tend to settle up before then if i don't forget about it first.

the truth about being sad

dear more than one use diary,

the decision has been made. i'm only writing in my blog to chronicle some of the changes i have witnessed and wasted over my life. i am in no way trying to save the world, lead anyone to the promise land, or bend the reality of any thought or perception, but not having any naps yesterday has brought me to now. the unibomber is pissed off today. the unibomber is pissed everyday. have you ever known anyone who was mad ALL the time? have you ever known anyone who feels like the whole world is out to fuck them? have you ever known anyone who makes you want to be a better person to make up for them being so mean? if you ever wondered, i was born a happy whore. i lived a happy childhood. i had a happy life. then, smack in the middle, i found a reason to give it all back and now i'll prolly spend the rest of my life making a fool of myself to make others happy. because it seems- that is the only way i will ever be happy again.

happy all the time

dear fuckers in my house diary,

i am totally and completely awake now. i don't want to be, but i am. i think i come here to my blog mostly to escape from the trenches of my household. i live in a war zone. true enough, there are no guns shooting or bombs going off, but the words here tear through a soul worse than any sword ever could. it's hard being happy about things in a dismal atmosphere, but it can be done because i do it everyday. while my body resides here, my mind and heart have a different address. if you catch me looking kind of disorientated, well- it's because i am. sometimes i just like to see how things will eventually be in my near future.

the salary

dear yeah i seen ya diary,

my clock keeps gaining minutes on the ceiling. it makes me anxious when i wake up and the time projected doesn't match the time on the cable box. i can hear the minutes as they pass when i'm awake and sometimes when i'm asleep. time is loud. time can take away every and all senses. when time is on your side it seems like anything is possible, but when you always come up short on time, nothing ever gets done. the secret- learn how to stop time, or at least watch what is walking away with all of it. 

41 points for the dead black pussy

dear silly memories diary,

for whatever reason during our drive tonight i was reminded of the time kidney ran into the garage and tore it up. maybe being coerced into seeing the dealer plated car pulled right up to the garage door is what triggered the memory- fuck i dunno, but piss squirted out of me and i was happy to have to make a stop back by the house before my final trip out for the evening. i could have done without seeing or thinking about any of it, but my arm got twisted- damn near off my body and there i was. just one of a whole giant carload of skank whores driving around the north side of town looking at all the halloween decorations people still have up. And then.... i hit a fucking cat.

On the short bus

'I'm at work silly' lol

pulling a train to pencilvainyeah

dear pieces that have become you diary,

now that i know things wont fit back together again, i can quit trying to shove them together. the train piercing the quiet morning air reminds me of all the times i tried. trying is hard. when it works, well, that is really something until the headache comes. my mind is blank tonight. i think i must need more sleep. i've thought about just not blogging for a few weeks or months or never again if i want to, but then what kind of whore would i be then? i guess finding satisfaction elsewhere was bound to happen someday.

yards of yarn

dear taking up with angels diary,

promise me one thing, when it is time to go, take me with you. i'll even ride in the back seat. in the heat of the moment emotions will fly and words will float to the surface that were long since sunk. i try and keep things under wraps these days, but it gets harder and harder. there will come a time when i blurt it out. i doubt it will clear the air OR summon any angels, but i'll hang on a thread with you.

The Lovely Queen Karen

dear tears from karen diary,

crying over karen is a story all alone, i really don't have to write anymore. but when she came over to talk to me, i realized i'd had it wrong all these years. karen wasn't the 'snitch' i'd made her out to be in my mind at all, for all these years, she was on my side and some how i'd missed seeing that. a dear woman, karen hasn't really changed a single bit since i was a kid and i told her that. of course she laughed and took off her stocking hat to prove me otherwise, but her face- to me- looks exactly the same. we laughed and we cried and as she walked off she said, "i'm glad i came over here today. you're the same funny kid you were growing up." i'm still not sure what that means, but i don't feel like she's ratting me out when we go over to clean out dad's garage anymore. she said she's been after him to do it for years and silently cheers me on when she sees us over there working. karen is the queen of the neighborhood and with her blessing, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.  

don't be jealous of Karma

dear today my friend learned diary,

and along comes a text message came bursting into my phone today, without warning i might add, and here's the thing, i didn't know it was coming. so that's fine. i read it. it wasn't like some retarded whore sent a picture of the unibomber's giant penis, which i might add- i would prolly recognize if i saw that image even if presented on my tiny phone screen- but still. i'll never understand how it is that people really don't understand that i kinda do have feelings under this hardcore exterior. it almost amazes me that people who've known me SO long act like they don't know who and what Karma is and i fucking live in harmony with the universe as much as i possibly can. i learned that you get what you give in life, and it can hurt to learn that when you have nothing to give. but when you finally do start giving, you'll start getting and you may get yours first, but then you'll watch me get mine over and over and over again. i think my friend said she was sorry today and i am glad she took time out of her day to do all that, but i know how things are between us now and for me, there ain't no going back.

widely accepted food and bed products

dear needle on the record diary,

i am going through another sheet phase. whenever i go into the department stores, the first department i head for is the bedding department. i suppose it's fitting since i spend most of my time in bed, but i dunno, i'm having a hard time deciding which sheets to replace and which to keep so ima keep them all in case of emergencies. grits look funny in a small white bowl. i cant eat them. it really doesn't matter what i do to them- add cream, sugar, syrup, honey, milk- YUCK- all my little brothers and sisters in a bowl. ima like my new sheets, free of the grit and dogs if i can get that.

bloody armpits & thick heels

dear up and sideways diary,

i don't climb down ladders. in real life they freak me out. it's like this, i don't have a problem going UP the ladder, but i cant come back down- i have to jump. do you think that is weird? i cant physically get from like the roof ON to the ladder. in my dream last night i was going up a ladder and kinda thought i was going to have to come back down and it stopped me from going up any further, but the man at the top of the ladder kept trying to get me to come higher. as long as i never make it to the top and get off, i can get back down without incident, but if i let go of the ladder, i'm fucked.

oneoneoneoneone

dear in ten days diary,

the YAY day will be here again. oh the YAY day. it doesn't mean YAY to me anymore really, but i do still call it that. it's funny this year because everyone will be celebrating the day while i try not to. deep in my mind, i feel awful for those who don't know about the importance of the day. it means jack shit to me now. it was an accident anyway. YAY

the hunt for a new cunt

dear finally then diary,

knowing when and staying in are the two things i have become better at over the last year. looking back, it was all so fucking stupid i dunno what i ever thought in the first place- about any of it then. i sure have formed my opinions now, i think we all have. sometimes it is so easy to forget other people have those too. opinions are strange like that, because they can change just like that and then it's a done deal. for instance, the planet pioneers found a new planet out there in outer space that could possibly support life again. oh wow, more whores to compete with, just what i need to worry myself about today.

the beautiful and untouched place

dear so horny i could kill someone diary,

i hope to God it doesn't happen very often and so far up there in bloomington it's happened once, but when i get horny while i'm doing something, well, let's just say it is unsafe for me to do anything else until the feeling passes. when it happened in the bloomington area- i was in a car, but i wasn't driving. worse, i was supposed to be giving directions and i was giving directions, just not to the person driving the car. i pretended to be lost. i really don't know why i did that either because i knew exactly where i was and ended up being late to where i was going, sexually frustrated the entire trip home, and arguing with the person driving (who we've all figured out was the unibomber by now.) so tonight i realized how close i am to becoming a sexual predator. i don't yet know who or when my vagina will eventually attack, but any more significant torture like i went through tonight sitting in a chair, alone, but in public, and somebody will have to suffer some sort of CONSEQUENCE.

Qtpie

the blessings of today

dear up before lunch diary,

awake today with somewhere to be, i am up early for a change. oh and i prepared myself for this day, but my body is still fighting it but my brain is good to go. for a while today i will have company and then i get to journey off alone and what a treat that will be. ima wear my uggs. at the end of this day, i will know myself better than i did at the beginning of it and my feet will thank me. i'll betcha my heart will too, but we needn't speak about that openly.