silent growls and loud bites

dear getting ready to sneak to bed diary,

don't tell anyone- but i am not doing any magic tricks tonite. what might be the reaction from my unhappy clients and badgering crew looking to have a busy and exciting night? i would say- find your leader. seek out further direction from whoever that will be this evening- i am not your gal. i am partially impacted from washing my huge fish pictures hanging in my livingroom and the other portion of me is just fucking exhausted from the major league  XO politics of the week past. becky and her hostile behavior towards the grump and his use of the middle section of the couch is evidence of her unwillingness to compromise, another hint of the looming nature of politics thick in the air. the protocol of handling this- pop her snout and comfort the grump. everyone has their own section on this couch- territory big enough for solitary confinement. the practical details will all maintain themselves once i am in bed. even if you do not believe that they will- it is prudent for me to bow out and at least try at this point. any further contact- the result could possibly change future outcomes in couch placement forever.

ring-a-ding-ding

dear party all the time diary,

there is a party wherever i go, even in jail. and that is where i got out of a year ago yesterday. i had a blast in jail- met allot of cool people. leaving krogers whila go- i ran into one of those cool people. i couldn't believe she remembered me- but she did. she was my little cellmate- and she had to do ten days last year when we met. i never asked her what for- but EVERYBODY knew what i was in for. i entertained the whole trod for the few hours i was there. i came in during the middle of the night and left soon after i saw the judge- but it was a fun few hours. nobody goes to jail for violating a temporary restraining order in the court parking lot. nobody but me. when she saw me in line tonight- i heard someone yell out behind me, "trixie!" i turned around and the girl smiling looked familiar, but for the life of me- i couldn't place her. then the question she asked me that made it all come back. "hey did you ever get out of that trouble that little dick mother fuckers wife put you in jail for and shit?"

hold the applause

dear at the movies again diary,

i don't really enjoy going to the movie theatre because i always have to fight myself to stay awake- no matter how good the movie is. i wish they would sell half movies- so i could bust up in and see half the movie on this day- and then the other half some other day- but that is so complicated- i am prolly the only one who could follow along. you would think something along those lines would fall under americans with disabilities act- but since i don't have a working dog or a wheelchair- i dunno. i thought about putting a vest on becky and taking her in walmart- but she'd just want me to carry her. then i would look like an american with a disabled dog. so whatever. i had a full feature dream in my movie whila go and it was rich as all get out. i have already written the premise down in an email to myself. top fucking secret. i saw the beginning, i saw the middle and kids, i saw the end. usually- i see little fragments- snipets of what could be commercials- sometimes infomercials- this was a masterpiece.

buff me bitch

dear fingernail kid diary,

i did my filing last night. i had to dig for a file and i think that is why i let them grow as long as i did because it took me almost an hour to locate a new fingernail file willing to do the job i needed to do. ima have to buy some more because i had to get into my travel ones, or as i also call them- my emergency stash. it was my last one too. i used to have a damn stack of them- but they are all used up now. one job like last night tho will wear the bitch out. i'm talking clean out too. these are some HEAVY DUTY fingernail files folks. i took them way way down tho- and you should see how fast i can type now. lickity split. i feel like a new person too. it feels so good to be normal again. my toes are next- but i usually cut them before i file. ima help maria with the walls on tuesday- and a coupla other projects need done. it was time for them to come on down. i cut becky's nails too last night. she wouldn't let me take the buffer to hers.

it's so easy to fall in love

dear tree falling diary,

if you were to stand underneath me, i would fall on your head. even if it would take everything i had inside me- even if i were not dead. if i were a bridge and you were a car and you thought you needed to cross, once you got right to my center- i would split and give you a toss. if i were your boat that you saved all of your life to have when you retire, i would sail you out in the ocean- your one biggest desire. there we would be so happy, i would let one drop of water in at a time, and then your ass would go under- and you would be mine. if i were your only pair of boots- i would make certain the soles would come off. if i were a drinking glass, i'd just be waiting to cut your lip with each and every sip. if i were a venereal disease your dick would steady drip (which it prolly already does.) if i were a fire, i would be all over you, because fires are attracted to liars- and we all know that's true. and if i were concrete- i would pave your lane- i would waste no time- it would cause me no pain. if you were walking in front of me- there would be no shadow- because you have to have a spirit and soul- you have to have that make matter.

sleeping with rib tips

dear funny in my sleep diary,

i woke up kissing my pillow again. it is a good thing there isn't a camera rolling on me all night long. i think i might end up famous for the shit i do when i sleep. fuck what i do when i am awake. you know, why isn't there a tv show about what people do while they sleep. i would watch that bitch. people do some weird shit. i know i do anyway- i will be the first one to admit that. i always wake up and look so sexy too- with my hair sticking up every direction imaginable. the little yippin ass dog next door woke me up today. small dogs have that bark that sounds like a newborn baby. i cant sleep through it. i have a pork roast to cook today. i am hungry as a mug for some cole slaw and bbq. that has been heavy on my mind since we were talking about rib tips the otherday at work. my first boyfriend used to go apeshit for rib tips and he was a little white boy and the crew was laughin how a white boy loved rib tips like the black boys do. i suppose i never thought anything of it until the other night- and now i guess it is a litttle funny- but i still have to admit- i dunno why. my first love ended up happily married to a beautiful black woman and they have a gorgeous daughter- so he must really have liked rib tips.

whore rats

dear simple fact diary,

your opinions don't matter so much anymore, so i like to refer to myself as a whore. you have called me that at times- so i don't feel i am out of line. i know what the word means- i know to how the world i seem. i really don't care what anyone thinks- my boat is sturdy- it will never sink. i like to think of myself that way- it somehow corrects that one mistake i made. falling love with a man whore like him- was in fact my greatest sin. taking this blame on myself- doesn't exclude me or take me from guilt's shelf- but somehow does rid me from the extra pain- just by wearing the nasty name. it is all because of you- at least that part of the lie is through.

jeans look good on her

dear breaking a record while recording a tape diary,

i need to file my nails down. they do not need to be as long as they are. so what's up coconut? relaxin? it has been a long day. i made a bet and won tonight- i know, good for me right? that rain was so strong tonight. i am just drawing quite the blank. flame out. thinking about what happens in the days that lay ahead. thinking about laying naked in my bed. laughing at how the dogs always sleep exactly the same way- laughing at charlie sheen every single day. tonight i did something i haven't done in a while- i got down and did it in style. reaching in the middle and pulling one out- now that's the kind of shit i am talkin about. it seems really silly to hear someone claim they are special- but i cant say anything- cuz i know how it feels. but just before the rat dies- it always squeals.  

extra set (of keys)

dear getting the nicest emails diary,

sometimes i get really hateful emails. but sometimes, like lately, i've been getting the world's most awesome assortment of emails in my inbox. turns out, some people really like being in my head. course i don't know why, there ain't nothing special that goes on in there usually. my mind is of the type that doesn't shut off. going non-stop day and night, it spits out an alternative lifestyle for me at all times. it gives me a choice usually- to either be where i am- or somewhere else. some in the medical profession call it a sleep disorder- i call it a fucking blessing. it is a fast escape from the bullshit i know as my daily life. in fact, sometimes it is so fast- it can happen in a blink of an eye. poof- new situation. i am used to it and ready for the change at any moment. i can follow the big red ball. people that do not take the time to figure out my secrets- never see the time change. they can stay haters. but for all the people who recognize the beauty of my gift, you are blessed as well. for your minds have been opened, you have been unlocked, and there is no telling where you will go now.

wet rugs- work of thugs?

dear sleep master diary,

i just want to thank whoever regulates the way we sleep. because i think that was about the best four hour chunk i personally have ever had at once. i dreamed of persian rugs upright in a muddy river. there must have been hundreds of them- rolled up and ruined. i wondered in my dream, what kind of idiot would store the rugs there- in that way- obviously they didn't get there by themselves. these were industrial size persian rugs- i decided- the work of an insurance scam- and i wanted to drag one out of the river and take it home- knowing i could never move one dry- let alone wet. i left the rugs behind- never to return. i have quite the appetite to do something right today- but i have yet to figure out exactly what that is. getting my hair cut off and my face peeled should be enough- but seemingly something is missing from my agenda. the backs of my legs are sore as fuck- like i've run a bunch of miles- and my face has a cramp- i suppose from last nights smiles. ima brush my teeth and hair and smoke a square and get shit started.

she believed that shit

dear people that know to much diary,

when i walked in and saw her last night, my stomach dropped. i knew there would be an exchange of conversation, she lit up like a fucking christmas tree the minute she saw me. then she wanted to know where my little boyfriend was these days- KNOWING that'd be the first question to roll off the bitches tongue. i haven't seen the lady in two years- after seeing her everyday for five- she's bound to remember i suppose. i almost gave her my blog address and told her to "catch up," but i just didn't have the heart. she loved the city employee and looking into her eyes last night- i couldn't ruin that for her. she wouldn't be able to believe what had ultimately happened between us- so i told her something more believable- i thought. "you know," i said as i looked her dead in the eyes, "i caught him online talking to other guys."

fishing for answers

dear i am really up now diary,

but that still doesn't mean i would make a good surgeon. waitress maybe... surgeon... no. i wouldn't make a good waitress either really because of my hair- it always gets in my own food. hair in food makes me sick- unless its mine. i know my hair, it's four foot long and blond and looks like fishing line. you know, i never realized how many trains we have that run through here every night. there must be one every hour at least. if i lived a half a block closer- that shit would drive me insane. i am looking around at my clutter filled house. ima have to do something drastic here. it's gettting bad. this winter was hard on the clutter- more than usual. seems like i am hanging on to anything with meaning. there is no meaning when the message ain't good. i think even i can figure that much out. 

it will all turn out the same way (it always does)

dear when you want to diary,

we all make messes once in awhile, even my perfect- well adjusted- uncommonly organized- evenly tempered- easily tolerated well mannered and highly functional self. i am a slob of sorts, but if it is true what they say- only people who, 'have it going on,' can be organized slobs. look, everything i said up there was a fucking lie up to the part where i go into being a slob- except i am perfect- i'll just tell you that now. even when my house is spotless- most people would find it a disaster. to me clean is no dirt. if all my stuff wasn't sitting around me- something would be missing- in this house it would. because i have no connections here to the people who stay with me- i connect with the things around me. that sounds awful- because i have meaningful LOVING connections with my kids. just not the licking kind. if i were to clean up my messes- maybe i could move to a different house and prolly pack all of my things away and not lick or look at them anymore. i would keep my new house clean again and be all happy until i started collecting new things to lick. then i would be a slob again- with two sets of things to lick- and becky- eventually- no doubt moving back into my old house to be perfect again. so why fucking clean my mess up at all? if licking the shit around me and living like a slob makes me happy- leave me alone. maria comes every tuesday.

jaws of life

dear not practical diary,

i am getting my hair whacked off this afternoon. it wont be shitty short- because i don't do short, but new york is on me bad to get my picture taken, and ima have to do it. i finally got a white shirt- which is dumb- i think. ima wear some big chunky jewelry to break it up. fucking white. i look like death in white. whatever. i'm have my sexy haircutter put a few highlights in too. haven't done that shit for a minute either. it'll make my teeth look whiter. i called my dermatologist to get a chemical peel- but i cant get in until tuesday there- so i called where my girlfriend works- and she's gunna squeeze me in after lunch. i thought about getting a massage- but ima just stick with what i know.

formula 409

dear shut him off diary,

watching robin williams on david letterman fucking wears me out. he needs ritalin. i wouldn't be with someone like that- and its kindof scary- cuz that's how i get- especially when i am tired. i have to tell myself to shut up. i usually do shut up, and it is allot easier now since i have my new blog- and three thousand people to talk to. SHOUT OUT TO THREE THOUSAND PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW! i feel more accepted now than ever. even with all of my haters. i drive myself nuts because my mind just wont quit. and on top of my regular highway of drivel- that never stops- i have the extra stream of pissy shit- the cuntface 'love canal' that doesn't seem to even want to run dry and i am not sure it ever will. i will be alright as long as i can get my car cleaned out tomorrow. i think i will wash it as well- since it's friday. i learned in court a few months ago- that 'normal' people who find themselves victimized usually wash their tahoe's on fridays- ima start doing that- since ima victim too.

a clean bitch

the potato family

dear overnight low diary,

man i love fried potatoes. especially with gravy on them. but i ain't got the gravy tonite- just the potatoes. i left the skin on. it is hard to believe potatoes grow underground. they are poison too- that's what i heard anyway. so far tho- i haven't died. i grew up loving potatoes and mr. potato head. there has got to be a way to grow bigger potatoes in some other medium. dirt gets so hard sometimes and the potatoes get stunted. i like the baby potatoes- allot- but a person needs bigger ones for things like smushing and baking. i suppose that is why potatoes like idaho so much- they must have the perfect dirt up there. idaho is one of the few states i haven't been in yet. i like the name idaho. the upper northwest corner has yet to be claimed by the whore. i will get to it eventually. but potato chips are dumb. other people like them- i know- but i don't. i can eat a cheeto- but i don't think they grow underground. they might tho- i don't know how cheetos are born. i admire the potato. if it sits long enough- i can throw it in the yard and it will become more potatoes- if the ground ain't to hard- or becky don't eat the plant while its trying to grow. so i am thinking potatoes must not contain be that much poison- cuz becky ain't dead yet either.

bitch whores at the bank- sign this

dear i hate my bank diary,

regions bank is so dumb. i try not to go there, but i have my insurance set up to auto pay through my savings account there so i almost have to go and make sure there is only enough money in the bitch every month to cover that- and usually there is- but you never know. so, upon arrival today- i see a new sign all plastered on the speaker of the old drive up teller machine. it says "please have all your paperwork ready for faster service..." blah blah blah. at first i thought this was funny- then i got really fucking pissed. when i first opened that account at regions- i thought it was bullshit that you had to BEG for a withdrawl slip each time you came to the bank to make a savings withdraw. they don't let you take one home EVER, to get it prepared at home- nope- you have to beg for each one individually at the time you need it. which i think is dumb. when questioned, it is for "security purposes," i was informed. when i read that sign today- after sending in the tube, pushing the call button, waiting, waiting some more, getting the tube back with a DEPOSIT slip instead of a WITHDRAW slip, sending the tube back in, pushing the call button again, waiting, explaining what it was i wanted in the FIRST PLACE, accepting the apology from the dumb snotty woman, getting the tube back- filling out the form and sending it in- that is when i became so angry at the new sign. honestly i wanted to rip the sign off and send it inside the bank in the tube- but they are so dumb i don't think they would have gotten the message.

mickey mouse took my car and left me a cactus

dear warm weather and disneyland dreams diary,

when the temperature outside rises- it always makes me dream about going to disneyland. which is what i have done since i last wrote a post to go on here- but not since one was published- but whatever. in my dream- i couldn't find the car- couldn't remember where i had parked the bitch- so i just started yelling for it. only, i wasn't just yelling in my dream anymore- i was yelling in my bed, and both the dogs came to see what the matter was. so now i am up again- and the car ain't lost- and i'm not at disneyland either. but i am up, at a decent hour- just like i wanted too. fuck. usually i wake up to 65 thousand text messages- today- not one. all my people must be dead- no calls either. strange- even stranger- it is my favorite day of the week and everyone knows that. but given i usually don't get up this early- maybe everyone thinks i am asleep. i want so badly to put a plant outside- but i know it isn't time yet. God will tell me when it is. i think the cactus could go out- but i'll wait yet for the word. i saw frost on the grass- i think yesterday- it ain't time yet. i still think all my cactus would be ok- but ima wait another week or two. i cant wait to get all these plants out of my house. next winter ima have to do something different.

cutting in close to the facts again

dear i could not have been a surgeon diary,

in order to be a surgeon, you have to be able to function on little to no sleep, and be bright eyed and bushy tailed all the time. count me out. i sleep about eighteen hours a day- on a slow day. y'all caint tail, on the count of- i learned how to pre-post and post-post on here- but iffin you went back to the beginning and clocked my postings you could tell. i get smarter as i go- usually. the board game 'operation' was always one of my all-time favorite games when i was little. my cousin david is a surgeon. but he is smart and can get up early. if i had it all to do over again, i think i'd keep things the way they are. i'd go ahead and sign up to be dumb again. when you are dumb- you don't fall short of peoples expectations as often, just the opposite. you accomplish one little thing and you're a damn miracle worker.

he's messin with me

dear messin with the dog diary,

the grump is sleeping hard, snoring louder than ever right now. i pulled a long strand of hair off of my shirt and i've been dangling it across his ear making him twitch and he keeps moving his other ear i am not even touching. he must think it's a fly landing on him- he keeps snoring and hasn't woke up yet. i wonder how long i can do this before he realizes it's me and snaps. he's dumb. prolly all damn day. ima do it again. he's got to hear me laughing. but he don't wake up- and he's still flippin the WRONG ear. becky ain't that stupid. shedda been up- knowing who was messin with her ass. maybe he is ignoring me. could that be possible? no way. you think? no way. he could never.

the first noel

dear not wasting a minute of my safe day diary,

everything was going as planned- you see- that is until the grump put his butt hole on my leg and left a snail trail on my pajamas. the heat radiating from it was sickening- and that is what made me look down in the first place. ima have to change now- and i could have worn these til my next bath- stupid dog. my right bottom row of eyelashes is itching too- so i dunno what that shit is about either. i might have to go back to bed and start my favorite day over. i am glad that the community does not look up to me as a big hero. i would be so ashamed to look back at them knowing i was a fool wearing a heroes' uniform. i know the big book says you ain't posta make references to others as fools, but i was talking about myself here, kindof, if i was wearing someone elses' hero boots. i will never understand i suppose. maybe it is that i just don't need to. maybe i really am not hero worthy. i'll just save myself when my house catches on fire. how's that.

sleeping with earplugs and no mustache

dear no more tricks up my sleeve diary,

it is time to pack up the tent. fold in the towels. pick up the pieces. sign off. whatever. i think ima call it a night. the grump is snoring loudly next to me- it gets on my nerves. he and becky are sleeping in mirror positions right now- only she is silent- he is not. he is not overweight- so i don't understand why he is so loud- his neck ain't all thick or nothin. becky will whimper occasionally when she is dreaming and gallop- hitting me in my face. it doesn't hurt tho- and she will get the hiccups- but i think she is just trying to be me- because i get them all the time. talk about INSANE. all i know for sure is- i am glad i cut my mustache off in the bathtub earlier. you guys, i depend on you to tell be when that bitch grows in like that. i don't look in the mirror- so when my lip starts to sparkle in the light y'all- it ain't glitter- you need to say something. fuck.

calling the law

dear 9-1-1 "what is your emergency" diary,

"i have two, i would like to report a possible rape, you see, my bathtub repeatedly offended me beyond control tonight, causing severe pleasure- and my floor to become wet- against my will, AND the sound of cartoons are coming from my room again. PLEASE SEND AN OFFICER RIGHT AWAY." wouldn't it be nice if that's all we needed the police for- wet floors and inconsiderate unibombers? fuck him anyway- he's getting ready to pack his last backpack- his last piece of mail. i told him to go to bike week in daytona. he has that thing you stick in the back of the truck to make your bike stand up- the chawk thing or whatever the hail it is- he's to much of a pussy dick to go i suppose. i'm not goin. i'll be in new york next- then maybe belarus if my reader invites me- then maybe to the Arabs- i always wanted to sip camel milk while watching tennis. i thought i might get an invite to the royal wedding- but my invite never came. i am all but crushed. my parents didn't get invited to lady diana's either. i don't remember my mother being as upset as i am tho. but she prolly was, she hid things better than me.

400 small block holly double pumper

dear post four hundred diary,

as you can see, this is post number four hundred in my diary. four HUNDRED. i can't think of anything special to write- i was thinking about taking a bath tonight. maria cleaned my tub really good, and i know my hair is greasy so i should. today is my favorite day of the week- i just love thursday's- it ain't in my head. hopefully in the morning i can get out of bed. if i could get up at a decent hour- maybe i could make something with some flour. i been had the idea to make more rolls- but all i am hungry for is a donut hole. but there ain't no good ones in my town- you gotta drive 30 miles to get one of them. and i aint doin all that tomorrow- i got nothing to do- but i still ain't doin that. i need to wash all of my winter hats. i'll get all of my stuff packed away- and break out my shorts another day. i also need to wash my walls- especially the ones in the hall. wow are they dusty- i sucked down the webs- and i sucked out the corners and off the ledge. ain't nothin compares to a hot water bucket and a rag and some pinesol- no matter what you get to suck it. it is on the list- and the windows too- spring cleaning- when i am done doing nothing- i'll get to it.

training the army

dear room service diary,

i love maria. she is my housekeeper and usually she comes every tuesday, but due to my doctor appointment yesterday- i had her come today. she loves the new ice machine. it is pretty kewl. i cant wait to fill the freezer all the way up next time i go to the store. i'll prolly go tomorrow since it is a SAFE DAY. safe days are days when the city employee is at work and his cuntface wife is at work- and i am free to go about my day without worry. i like those days. i wish i could have worn the ankle monitor- and i would have- if i could have worn it IN SECRET- but they wouldn't do it. wonder why? my lawyer couldn't get the state to agree. i offered to pay too, still- no deal. the 'victim' had a right to know. my whole argument was- i wanted to prove i wasn't doing ANYTHING the 'victim' claimed i was doing. every decision i made had to be made in the light of the extreme circumstances. i did very well, because to date- i still have done nothing.

i'm sure you don't know who trixiethewhore is....



only, i have the brown shit color eyes
and she is 3 months older



the dark hole with extra cash and a lighter

dear hard on yourself diary,

don't be. you're a big boy. you can handle anything i can dish out. is it hard to get up and go through the motions everyday? raise your hand if you're sure. looking deep into the eyes of the future- i did plead for your sanity when all of this is through. the grudges that i hold so intensely, believe it or not, fall far from your feet. every time i mention you in my blog- it is a sign of my ultimate defeat. everyone knows that you've won this time around- i just getta collect the purse money- i found a buyer out of town. i get to cash in on what has happened to me, but you- you still have to pay. don't worry- you owe me nothing- it's your own self running the tab- if you weren't such a good person- you wouldn't be so sad.

my next big purchase

dear buying one of those cars i was in tonight diary,

yup. it is a fact. i liked that sucker. ima buy one of those. that back seat was on. i liked the way the whole seat was flat all the way across and there was plenty of room on the floor and those things you can hang on from the ceiling- that was the best part. and it was so solid. you couldn't even tell that it was running the whole time we were in it. the interior paneling wiped right off with the wet wipe i had brought with me- and i am not sure but i think the seats were real leather as well. i could see making the trip in one of those cars- very easily- in great comfort. i usually don't like my clients cars- but tonight i fell in love.  

high in the sky

dear looking on a map diary,

so now that i have readers in Belarus, /bɛləˈruːs/ bel-ə-ROOS; that just scared the shit out of me- cuz like- honestly- don't laugh- i didn't even know how to pronounce that- let alone where it was- and now i suddenly want to go there. i've been going around saying it all day. AND you know- i am supposed to have permission to leave the state- which is relatively easy to get- but with all this world wide travel- i just don't know what to say. i have now made it to china and even BELARUS with my drivel. so, take it easy on me if you have to stone me to death- i haven't had any pot in a while. i just need to know how the other side of the world found a retarded whore in America. THEN i will be able to sleep... sweet Jesus.

billy squire hoover style

dear i wish my vacuum worked better diary,

because it sucks. it does such a great job as a hose sucker, but across the floor sucker- not so good. it's a hoover too. i'd swear by a hoover. but hoovers ain't what they used to be folks. i been wantin to write this one for a long time. i hope it satisfies me good- or another one will come- sure as the world is round. that is how it works for me- usually. i get on some tangent about something and blow my hoof about it and if i don't work it through- it's gunna keep on keepin' on until it works out on its own or i am struck or stuck or whatever the fuck- it is what it is- i cant do shit about it. what is it billy squire says- in that bad ass song...

Nights of confusion and impossible dreams
Days at the mirror, patchin' up around the seams
You got your glory, you paid for it all
You take your pension in loneliness and alcohol
Say goodbye to conventional ways
You can't escape the hours, you lose track of the days
The more you understand, seems the more like you do
You never get away - everybody wants you

except, everybody doesn't want you. and i don't even want my vacuum anymore. my plan is to get a new one. i am going to say goodbye to this new less conventional model and get one that sucks better across my high traffic areas. one that i can rely on. i will keep this hoover for the basement- for cobwebs and dust piles, but it will be a lonely life in the damp place where i keep my prisoners- who serve their time for disappointing me.

looking forward to the extra day on my tags next year

dear it really ain't that funny diary,

the lady at the driver's license facility got a kick out of me. and there was really no need for all of that. i am sure there are other people who buy stickers for cars that ain't theirs while they are buying their sticker as well. i thought the truck was in my ex-husbands name- i was mistaken- it's in his girlfriends name- but that doesn't matter to me- i also pay the insurance on it- so i suppose somewhere in my head i did know it was in her name- i just must have forgot. what does it matter anyway- just sell me the damned sticker and shut up. not today- the clerk found this all to amusing and wanted to know more. i had the correct plate number i read from a locked text message- which i transposed to a paper for her to make reference to- which she did several times. finally i got what i came for- the two new yellow stickers. i put one in an envelope and one in my glove compartment and off to the mailbox i went. then i sent a text message to my ex-husband with a picture of the yellow sticker. "mailed that," i said, "to your girlfriend," it read. and something else i found out- did you know it's a leap year next year?

dangerous true words

dear do your ears hang low diary,

excluding someone that does not want to be included is easy, it's just that remembering that they are to be excluded at all times is what is difficult- for me anyway- because i want to include them in the good things too- the things that are happening now- things that started before they ironed themselves from the fold. but i cant do it. what a shame. once an insider- an outsider now- you must pay the admission like everyone else to get in. then- i have the right to refuse service to you- since you threw me under the bus. oh what an upset. things you learn when time goes by. no, you've been shut off. your well has run dry. it's sad it has to be like this- but i think that you know why. i am never going to remind you again. if you don't know by now- you really are that stupid. and you are. that is why i am writing this in confidence- you haven't a clue who this whole post is about.

ima eat yogurt starting today- instead of jello or pudding

dear tunes in my head diary,

allot of times i wake up in the mornings and hear music in my head. this morning it was Jungle Love by the time- i think- sung by them anyway. ima screw around and give my age away again. i don't care about that really tho. people have a hard time believing it when i straight tell them- that and i still get carded for cigarettes. life ain't all bad. shit- who can say their waitress thought their son was their BOYFRIEND??? oh hail YES?!? SHOUT OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE LADY! bet you that shit ain't happenin to old cuntface. i need to shut up tho because age is starting to creep up on me. i wont be like this forever. i need to get used to the face that i too am gunna get. a wrinkled up face and that dumb looking chin and a witch nose- the meat on my cheeks will sink away and my hair will turn gray- and i will prolly dye it yellow- and i might need glasses- and i might be bitter- and my mind might splinter. i might end up walking all slow and bent over or i might not even be alive at 45.

it is fun to forget

dear you know it don't matter anyway diary,

ima pack away my favorite boots today. ima clean them all up and spray them down and away they will stay until i cant take it anymore or september, whichever comes first. just my special ones tho- ima wear my other ones all year long- even with my shorts. my psychologist friend fucks with me and says that when i wear them with shorts i am not dressed appropriately for the season- she says that it is the equivalent to wearing a winter coat in the summer- but i told her she needs to go out to hollywood more in the summer and stfu. besides- i do not have a winter coat- IN THE WINTER or summer- so i feel like i can wear whatever the fuck i want- when i want. i am only putting my favorite boots away today so i have a little mini-christmas again when i get them back out. it is a way to celebrate- without buying new ones. i like playing little tricks on myself. its fun. what makes it even better is when i really forget.

and he left the tv on (but i am the bitch)

dear somebody was in my tub diary,

upon further inspection, i have found that someone has been in my tub. i feel so violated. there is only one of two people it could be- and my child, prince harry, hates to take a bath. so, that leaves the unibomber. let me straighten and adjust my bra and i will tell you all why this disturbs me in the deepest way. that is much better. the unibomber is disgusting. he has hair all over his body, for one- that seems to release and unattach itself when it gets wet. then once it floats off him- it sticks to the side if the tub and looks like the tub has hair. these hairs are GLUED to the side of my tub. why? why aren't they just relaxing on the side waiting to be rinsed away with a swig of hot ass water? BECAUSE HE USES A HALF A BOTTLE OF BUBBLE BATH WHEN HE DRAWS HIS WATER, LEAVING EACH HAIR LAMINATED TO THE SIDE. then, instead of letting ALL the water drain out at once, HE JUST CRACKS THE PLUG, so the water seeps out, making sure every bubble dries in the tub. but at least he already had a shower before he left my tub dirty.

i think we're fine

dear thinking about rolling over diary,

controlling how the situation goes down won't be easy. they will try to flip how things go- if you don't watch closely. i'll go a better route. how far do you think i trust you? how much do you trust me? let's find out. how much is a bucket of dirt worth on the black market? how often is one sold? i have never bought one- so i don't know what the going rate is. it's cool tho- i'll do some checking. i fed the prisoner in my basement today some corned beef and hash. i even opened the door so he could watch me in my bath. it was hard to keep my toes straight- but i did until the end- and just as i reached that magic point- my toes had to bend. i let the prisoner fuck me and then i locked and secured the door- he only said what he always says, "i hate you fucking whore."

pam & tommy lee

dear shaking my tail feathers off diary,

are you in there again? whose turn is it? i cant even remember the score. when did that happen? when did you take the lead? i always find myself in the same compromising position- when it comes between you and i. you always wanted me to play the submissive role- i had such a hard time, and it wasn't very fun you see- then why did i do it? because you said you loved me. i never once thought of you as a predator of sorts, and i never thought of myself as a victim either- but that is exactly what we both were- it is so easy to see that now. i want the tape back.

we need to go

dear omg becky diary,

my hair is outrageously fluffy today and there ain't no goin back now. i am walking out the door. maria gladly accepted to switch her cleaning day and come tomorrow. YAY. she even said she would make 'mile high enchilada pie' so i guess she ain't too pissed. wait- looking in the mirror just now- is my hair stung out stringy static- or fluffy. either way- it is that way for the day- and i am a hot mess. and the floor is wet again in the basement... mmmmm

here we go again

dear applying for another job diary,

you know here is the thing about the whole thing about the thing about the restraining order or order of protection thing. i called out to new york because i had a question about my last assignment but i wanted to keep it on the down low- so i asked to speak with jenne- pronounced jenny- but i drag out the last 'e' like a retard- she likes it i suppose- cuz she always laughs. anyway after we got done talking we chatted- and i shot the idea of sending in my application to be on this tv show- (which i used to do every year except LAST year) going on to site my court papers as more of a reason to 'cast' me. without any pause or hesitation- jenne let a burst of something i had never heard of- laughter possibly- but i was thankful whatever it was it hadn't been done into my microphone on my phone- she never did sound clear again. i could still understand her but there was a muffle that did not ever go away. ima do it. what are they gunna do? not pick me?

space controlled airWhorns

dear airwhorns and pour sugar on me diary,

here in a few minutes our town will sound like we are going to war. the tornado sirens will be tested and this is an important test- possibly the most important one of the whole year because we are gettin ready for the season. i fucking hate tornadoes man. they are some scary mothers. the one in 1974- i remember it went right up through shadow lane- by gawd- why cant we have a repeat of that. they say lightning doesn't strike twice in the same spot- kids that's not true. i am here to tell you. FALSE. it certainly can. lightning can strike any damn place it wants. it has not clue one where it has struck before. i know better than to try to sleep during the tornado siren. i also know better than to be walking around outside under the bitch too. i'll pass out. loud noises can do that to me- sirens and bells and horns and shit- scare the lights right out of me- it is so stupid. it is just so funny to everyone- everyone but me. i am used to it. one time- super loud music did it too- at a def leppard concert- which was very intense. it made that concert much more memorable. i always wondered who turns the sirens on at 10AM on the first tuesday of the month. nasa? houston? maybe?

going to see the head doctor- i'll ask

dear morning time again diary,

today is a special day. one i have waited for since yesterday. i do not feel like violating the restraining order this go around- so i made an appointment with my out of town neurologist- so i don't have to visit the campus where cuntface works. knowing i'd run into the bitch this time- even tho the other times i have been able to skate though like a whore in the night- something told me i wouldn't be so lucky this time. i'll drive. she prolly has her 'whore-dar' specifically fine tuned into me now. i bet she sits by the freakin fucking window and watches me to drive down lake shore drive- with her pointy little witch finger on 9-1-1. "what's your emergency?" here is how THAT CALL WOULD GO... "uh yes, i have this WHORE, in MY parking lot..." i would still like to know how on earth i was to have 'urinated in her vehicle.' i am looking forward to getting one of those millionaire raffle tickets again while i am up there today. i got one in pekin when i was there- but the winners seem to always come from up north. i pay attention to that shit. that is why i never buy mine here. hail naw. plus- if any of the tickets sold down here do win- they win the thousand dollars- and i ain't playin to win that. i can get that at work. i am playin for the big money- or i really don't want any at all. that's fucked up ain't it?

four winds

dear darker nights diary,

i can close my eyes, but the lights don't ever go away. it is never really quiet inside of my head. even when it is totally quiet in my bed. i look forward to the day- when some of the lights and noises go away. my heart sometimes cries when it remembers the shame. my mind echos when i hear that name. all of this is still so fresh and i am expected to do my best. and i do. i am. i just want to snap. i should not have all the fault in my lap.

solar heated water (would prolly be nice)

dear passing my chance up at the water heater diary,

i gracefully bow down to the master of the tiny fortress i call my semi permanent home- for the use of the water heater is yours- you fucking dickhead. and oh what a master you are. in your pink towel- telling me, 'don't look,' and then, 'did you see it?' in the same breath. of course i saw it- you saw me look up- why wouldn't i? you came in here just to see if i would didn't you? and i did so? and you left again then. i dunno. i am sitting here kinda confused. next you'll be telling me that was some kind of offer for sex or some shit and then i will feel used. ick. i for one haven't had a bath since yesterday- and just about a half an hour ago until i brushed my teeth- and i am still pissed off about this morning- so you better just eat some roast beef. i think i will text my friend on my phone for a bit- and then watch some tv, so you can just be one of the ones who gets to think about me.

i am so official- i need a whistle

dear fighting dog syndrome diary,

somebody has an attitude. i am almost ready to ship ole grumpy off to boot camp. it would not do any good. he is past the age of change. i can teach him new tricks- but those are short term deals. i should have sent him with miranda and the kids to hollywood tomorrow. we talked for a LONG time about where they should eat and where they should go- her people want to go to disneyland- i told her to 'get a sore throat' and go to the price is right and farmers market and shit. it is the off season- there wont even be a crowd. disneyland just sucks when you have to do it slowly- with a bunch of people. turns out they are taping all this week too- i checked for her. all she would have to do is run by the booth in the parkinglot and grab a set of tickets for whatever day this week she wanted- and just show up- bababoom. i know they would pick her- i told her exactly what to say- and she is a gem. the lady from walmart is going with her. fuck if she took her with her- stan would feel sorry for miranda and just pick her right then.

throwing shoes under that curtain

dear behind the scenes attack diary,

man i know what that is  like- to be attacked behind the scenes. then just as soon as you pull the curtain down and show people what is going on- somehow- it's my fault- cuz i pulled the curtain down to abruptly. in the end, i am just a tiny piece of the puzzle- i am an amateur, at that type of work anyway- i work better in the bed industry than with the window treatments. my boot slippers that i got before christmas are falling apart already and i only wore them coming home at the hairport. leaving the hotel i had my shoes on- but as soon as i got to la guardia- i stuffed my shoes in my checkin and took my slippers from my bag. i love flying in slippers.

mother may i?

dear let the bodies hit the floor diary,

maybe if you would have asked permission to participate in the activities you participated in you could have gotten it and avoided all the extra foopah- and if it means anything- i think you could have gotten it pretty easily. i don't think either side was gettin much milk from the cow and neither one of you were willing to cut it up for the meat yet. looking behind  does no good now, looking forward seems no better, but it will be better, it will get better, it is so much better. isn't it. 

can you believe that shit?

dear laughing hysterically diary,

i had to hurry up and post that picture- because writing about it while it was looking at me- wasn't happening. so turns out- today is 'sheeba- from illinois' birthday. ahahahhahaha. why is that so funny? because it is. it is for a couple of reasons. ok. i used to just lay in bed and watch nancy grace- and then i started noticing that this one lady- this sheeba from illinois  kept calling in EVERY FUCKING DAY. it got on my nerves and almost pissed me off. my friends started making fun of me because i noticed- which made THEM notice- and of course- i was right. then to make matters even worse, AND THIS IS A TRUE STORY- I HAVE THE FUCKING POLICE REPORTS IF ANYONE EVER NEEDS ME TO PROVE THIS, i am summoned to court and before the proceedings my girlfriend and i were talking about SHEEBA FROM ILLINOIS and overheard as talking about some other unknown SHEILA (which we truly were not talking about and did not even KNOW TO TALK ABOUT) and this unsolicited overheard conversation about a lady calling into a tv show was subsequently reported to the police. so i dunno who writes the definitions for harassment in makeup county. so tonight before nancy wished sheeba a happy birthday and told her that she loved her- she took a call from SHEILA in illinois. because that is the name i go by when i call in now. i  cant just lay in bed and watch anymore and let sheeba have all the fun.

no, i can't

dear fate is so funny diary,

turns out, this here is what i have been SO jealous about for over two years. go ahead look now because ima make a new post- start ALL over again because i don't think i can go on again after i see her face.



at least they spelled her name wrong



dinner in the home diner

dear making the worlds most perfect meaty loaf diary,

oh shit. the meat loafs are coming. and i am staying. do you know what makes a perfect meatloaf? two things. clean hands and bread crumbs. oh and the yummy sweet shit for the top. so three things then. my bad. someone pleasant to eat it with- a fucking treat- but hey- we cant have everything now can we. in all- the unibomber is in a much better mood since out first interaction of the day. after which, i went to bed- and he went- wherever. it seems to cheer him up when he does the wander about. it is a safe day for everyone- have at it. take your time- sip the wine. today gary would have been fifty-eight but he died april fifth. uncle jimmy said jeff is out but he turned narc so you don't know nothing if he comes around. just just stay away from all of them fuckers or you know what will happen. but if you're hard up for the lovin you will end up there and the news will be all over town. my hands are clean- i have made the loaf meaty- and i didn't even touch it- i put the baggies over my clean hands after i washed them. how do you like them apples?

grilled chicken and peeled drimp

dear fingernail diary,

the entire time i was growing up i chewed my fingernails til they would bleed and i would peel the layers of my nails back meticulously- for fun and because they tasted like chicken. white meat chicken. plus i couldn't stop. not even when i tried. i soaked them in lemon juice, hot sauce, even painted the no chew stuff on them- but i ate right through it all. every last one. my mom toook me to shrinks and psychologists- i joined 4H and girl scouts and she had me hypnotized and baptized- swimming lessons were my favorite because they softened my nails and made them so much easier to chew apart. it seemed like the more attention she gave to my nails- the more i wanted to gnaw on them. once i was able to quit chewing one nail- but when the white part started to show- it overwhelmed me- took me completely by surprise- and i chewed it right off. my mom almost cried. sometimes (and you might stand over a bucket for this) i would even chew on my toes, there would be so much blood on my socks you'da thought it had come from my nose. that is nasty and i know that now, but it was so tasty back then. cuz toenails peel much better than fingernails for sure, cuz they're thick as fuck i guess. so now a days when i catch a glimpse of my perfect long ass nails- like when i am looking at something else- like clothes at a rummage sale- sometimes it takes my breath away- they're so fucking pretty- and i don't want to eat them anymore. i want to lick them instead- from the tips to the beds- just to make sure they are all still there. i want to give my nails head.

girls are sissys

dear staring down the barrel of monkeys diary,

i love playing with babies. my favorite age of an infant baby is four months to about seven months- then you can have 'em. really tho- i'd sign up for newborn to fifteen months- then throw 'em to the wolves. you know too- by the time they are fifteen months if they are gunna be keepers. i knew both of mine were- but my oldest i knew was gunna be a toughie. and he was- but you know- my youngest gave me a whirl- out of nowhere too- but he mimicked his older brothers' behaviors and- well- that didn't work out so well for him. but you have to give the young lad credit for trying. i did anyway. he should be an actor. he learned his lines well. he just never fit the part. i kindof wish i'd had another baby- but i'm glad i had the brains not to. we talked about it- several times- but the risk of having a girl was to great. afterall, a girl was all i ever wanted- in the beginning. but seeing the faces of my two boys- knowing the world was more slanted with male opportunities- knowing how much more i could have had if i'd had a dick to hold onto during dinner- to dress up in little capes and costumes- i was and still am satisfied with my choices. two strong capable and honest- funny- caring- witty- talented-smart- gorgeous- MEN now, one for the women and one for- well we aren't sure yet- nevertheless- i love my children and who they have both become. but i am glad i didn't have any dumb girls.

two degrees of seperation

dear i'll stop the world and blog on you diary,

you'll see the difference and it'll get better all the time. i asked myself when i woke up whila go- i said, 'hey self, bout how long is it that you think you will continue to blog like some mad crackhead in cyberspace,' and i was quick to reply, 'fuckin until someone stops me i'd imagine.' i have nothing to write and go to new york now until after st. patricks day. i get a break. my first one since january when i started. but- my last assignment was so big- i ought to get a vacation. the feedback with this check was not only from 914, but from everyone in my whole department. they've all read my blog and love it. there was only a couple of names i did not recognize in the letter- everyone else i think i have met. the one guy that signs a star by his name- he is the most humorous one yet. then he drew a tiny little arrow and a 'u' pointing to it- when i saw the simple message to me- i damn near fell over to a fit. it is the simple things that i like- that i can figure out in a hurry- things i can look at and know what they mean without much process or worry. then i read the numbers on my check- clearly written next to my name. scratching my head- my eyes open wide- clearly there is a market for such pain. what hurts me makes others laugh and fuckit ha ha ha. i can compartmentalize well, how bout you?

loving this shit

dear always start in the middle diary,

or you will go out of your mind. i cracked the window a little and the dogs are sucking air from it like they are going to die. becky needs a bath- the grump always needs a bath- fucking getting him in there- another story. the garbage man was quiet today when he came- but it still triggered a garbage collection dream. it's weird how outside noises stimulate inside choices. you know- it's a gawd dang wonder i can function at all with this mother fucker i share my fucking residence with. ttyl.

pinch-poke-i still ain't house broke

dear what if i was an alarm clock diary,

my alarm would go off every morning at nineteen minutes after six. omg i just heard a loud spring bird in my birdhouse y'all- chirpin up the whole damn yard. it is really happening. winter is loosing it's grip on us and there is nothing anyone can do. that beautiful sound of thunder last night was a reminder that winter is through. anyway- i am not up for the day- oh hail naw- just for a second. becky went out- i'm on the couch- resting from sleep for a minute. the snake has been up for most of the night- thumping around i suppose hunting, rats fall from the sky- so she hunts real high- ima have to go fetch her a couple later this morning. i wont jip her this time like the times before i will get her at least two big fuckers. i wont get three tho- in case she gets full- i don't feel like relocating that sucker. last time it was fun- before the papers did come tho, there will come a time i can donate again. and i will. meanwhile- we buy what we need- without risking to exceed- knowing someday we will be able to share our extra rats with other snakes again indeed.

it's gunna take allot to take me away from you

dear someone farted next to me diary,

gee whiz. i'm defeated. it is one of those heavy lingering son's of bitches too. ain't no fanning this bitch. the fire department just went by- i had a mini panic attack- it brought me back in here to my safety place. i need you- you being my blog of course- don't anyone get a boner. you guys tho- we need to talk. this might not be the best time and all- but really fuckit- i am up. let's do this. fucking china now. south africa and shit. my map is all turning green all of a sudden. i am struck for words. again- not to worry- i am not speaking in the literal sense- which you will find i rarely ever do- not about the important shit anyway- oh like now- when i say- 'the train is going by' yes- the train is going by. but when i say- 'ohh- that was a train wreck...' i did not prolly see a train wreck. but i could have and if i did i would emphasize that in such a way that you would know. so i don't know how to speak chinese- but i like pepper chicken. allot. man do i ever. and pork fried rice and lo mien. and i always wanted to be kidnapped and marketed as a sex slave on a ship- but i figure i am to old now. my chances are slim. and south africa- WOW- i can balance a pot of water on my head too! i've been doing it since i was small. oh and sorry- back to china- once i dug a hole in our yard because i thought i could dig my way right to china. my mom made me stop. i got pretty dang far. as far as i could with a screwdriver and spoon. 

wake up stupid

dear sleeping beauty diary,

think of me while i am sleeping, cuz there was a time i woulda been your slut. think of me while i am sleeping, cuz tonight i ain't gettin up. think of me while i am sleeping, for if i do get up i will not come here. think of me while i am sleeping, if i get up- i wont come there either. think of me while you're sleeping- that way you'll be good and scared. think of me while you're sleeping- you'll know i am not the one you should fear. think of me when you are sleeping- technically that would be considered a dream- and then when you get to work in the morning- post something really mean. think of me during your 24 hour shift- and what we used to do when i would visit- think about what your cuntface wife would do if she knew all the details- it still tickles me to shit. think about me whenever you don't want to- that is when it pleases me the most. think of me when you get home tuesday and place your ad to host.

hello kitty bandaids for doggies

dear last day of the month diary,

i always get excited on the last day of the month because i like starting a new month. especially when it is one month closer to planting flowers. fuck yes. oh hail yes. i can not wait. last year i got all that concrete border shit- so i getta plant in all that this year. it is gunna be so fun. flowers are my favorite- well they are next to plants. i grew up in a house full of plants. my mom had thousands of them. my poor jade tree is freaking out. it was happy as ten trees last winter- but this winter- it ain't doin so well. it hasn't died or given up yet- but looking at it- it sure didn't thrive. the grump has a cut on his nose. don't ask me how that happened to him. i am sure i was here- but i haven't clue one. it bled for a minute and quit. it looks terrible. fucking dogs.

ties that stayed tied

dear you gotta stop that diary,

i feel a hate crime coming on. you sleazy opportunistic asshole. good for you. i got a moose lodge. shall we check in? hollyweird will eat her up- that is what i told everyone tonite- and i know they knew what i meant. let me guess. you don't get paid do you? make payments to yourself then. nobody shouldn't get paid. tell me what ails you. don't make it that boring kid shit either. big big love. do not bring your lips to mine. we must not ever connect in that way. lock the door behind you. you must leave here today. you sit in the car and guard your house but you are afraid to go back inside. its just an advertisement for all of your lies. of course i understand moving forward is the best thing- but i need to know why this happened to me- to us.

a dry love

dear lightning idea in my head diary,

the sound of thunder makes me want to make love, but not when it's ruined by an accompanied hairdryer. and why would you blow dry your hair before bed anyway? i don't use a hairdryer- and i don't make love either. i don't know how to use a hairdryer properly- and i don't think i even remember how to make love the right way- if there even is a right way- if i've ever even made love at all. i can fuck- without any problems- and have sex really well- but intimacy- totally beyond comprehension for me. i do love thunder tho- hearing it takes me to a place i went before i ever knew of shame. i love the rain and the darkness before rain comes in the day. the cool winds that seem to rise up from nowhere- that stir dust and dirt all for the rain to clean and make pure and once again to give life anew- and watch all the things for around me that grew- into the most beautiful things my eyes had seen- but why does loving have to be so mean?

one happy happy clean whore

dear keeping my toes straight diary,

that is really hard to do. i am getting better at it- but when i get to that certain point- it gets really difficult to concentrate on keeping them relaxed and uncurled and enjoying the bliss i have worked to achieve. i think it makes it better when everything is at ease- but its so hard to get to the place where i can do that- its another mind game- a mental state- and i gotta be in charge. anyway, best i ever had. love that bathtub. who cares if the floor got wet.

ouch

dear running in my sleep again diary,

there is nothing worse than kicking the wall- and i bet that is how these bruises keep appearing on my legs all the time. i kicked that bitch hard- but i was running away in my dream- trying to leave the scene of a very uncomfortable situation. in the beginning of the dream it was fine- it just got progressively worse until finally- it was time to bolt. i am usually pretty good at bolting- until i hit a wall. needless to say- that woke me up- but didn't stop me from sleeping- or dreaming- for that matter. soon i was back asleep and right back where i was- except i wasn't running anymore. now i was angry. now i was aimlessly searching for the bitches who made me uncomfortable enough to run. but they were nowhere to be found. i am a dream warrior princess. nobody fucks with me. i lost my purse. shit- how could that happen. it has everything in it- my library card-  my country music cd cover- but not the cd- all my drawing pencils i write with- cuz i cant draw shit- my lip gloss- my smashbox liners- my lotion- thank goodness not my cellphone- and i couldn't even remember what else- all my worldly treasures- missing from myself. then i started running again- but this time to where i do not know- except this time i did not kick the wall again- my dream let me go. i ran after my purse- but i never did find it- i cried a lil- but i never had a big fit. i looked through the rental car trunk one more time- still i never found it- i gave up. so now i am awake- looking at my unlost purse- rubbing my sore legs- trying to see through the murky haze- of my peachy life. figuring out what dreams mean- man i don't have a clue- but i think the wall is him and i think my purse was you.

i used to get up around eleven

dear not going to make the noon mark diary,

fuck this- i am out of here. the bed is calling me bad. i thought for sure it was a go- but it ain't. i must give in to the calling. becky and the grump lay sound asleep. the 10:30am train is going by- i never noticed a daytime train before- prolly cuz i ain't never up this early and aware yet. yeah, it is tough being a whore, but someone has to keep the profession strong. i am doing a finer job than most, i'd say. keeping the dream alive. doing nothing is not over-rated- it is a rough job- doing it right is anyway. good night y'all. i should be up around two. ima be hungry as a big bitch.

global calming caused by whore hating one local cuntface

dear going worldwide diary,

morocco, russia, you guys- this is really getting serious. my little map thing is turning green all over. my head is starting to swell up. ima have to get hair extensions due to all the pending bald spots. what am i doing right? what am  i doing wrong? what do you want more of? what do you want less of? do you like my greasy hair? do you like pictures? i am at a complete loss of words here. i mean- i can ramble all day- but what are other people in these far off countries looking for? at least i know where russia is. if i got a post office box- would you guys send me stuff? because you all know i collect little rocks. i have rocks from greece and sand from israel. and everyone has seen my hollywood walk of fame rock- but i have a whole collection of little rocks. i also have a piece of slate from abe lincoln's tomb. i have sand from the west coast and the east coast that i got PERSONALLY within 24 hours of each other. ain't that dumb. i have sand from when my little nephew went to daytona and got busted bringing it back on the plane and the TSA almost took it until he told them it was for his crazy aunt trixie. SHOUT OUT LIL BRANDON. i don't know tho- world wide. super scary.

aunts up my tree (spying on me)

dear making a point diary,

since i slept like a turd on a log last night, i have decided to try and not sleep today until at least noon and then take a two hour nap. i think i can do it. Lord knows i have plenty of things that could keep me busy iffin i needed outside stimulation to help. the thing is- i am already yawning. it's in my head tho- it's all a big mind game. a power struggle. i painted my nails before i went to bed and omfg- they are the dumbest spring color. what was i thinking? for one, i can tell you- minority report was on- i'd never seen it, so i am all but certain that influenced me somehow to choose this rotten hot creamy orange color 'my chihuahua bites,' even tho i ain't sure how. i dreamed of some weird shit last night- the ants were bad- and i think i had a waterbed. i fucking hate ants and don't care much for waterbeds either. do they even make those anymore? i know i wont have ants like i did last year. i played hell with them bitches and i won. i got the job done. i think.

10,000 lakes + 1,842 more lakes= minnesota land

 dear land of lakes diary,

whenever i fly to california and i have a layover and its at st. paul minnesota, i love love LOVE the descent because it is the most spectacular sight. i like it more than arizona at sky harbor or leaving LAX when you fly out over the water and turn around to come east. there are 11,842 lakes in minnesota and flying in- i think you can see at least half of them. not only that- it's the way the ground is parted by fields. there are so many beautiful variations of earth when you are so far up in the sky, bordered by tiny roads, at times, with a patch of trees, and a puddle perfectly placed- every so often- on a beautiful canvas of patchwork of quilted patterns of grass and farmers fields. beautiful earth. so breathtaking. as you get closer to the ground and your eyes catch the finer details- you begin to catch little glimpses of the lives below. the farm houses, the barns- even a clothesline with a sheet- blowing and blowing. i remember being a child looking up at the big planes wondering if anyone in the plane was looking down and could see me. then- much older, while i was in the plane looking down, i wondered if anyone saw me in the big plane while they were looking up. but i never saw anyone.